Sleeping arrangements in relationships can be an awkward situation.
When meeting the parents for the first time, or before a major commitment has occurred, parents may not be keen on kids sharing beds.
But what about after they tie the knot?
Case in point...
Redditor Accomplished-Menu773 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for moving to a hotel because my wife's family insisted I sleep on the couch?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I got married last summer."
"Her family lives across the country from us."
"So up until this point I had never actually visited them, but I had met them a handful of times, and we've always gotten along fine."
"They invited us to come to visit and stay with them for a few days, and we took them up on the offer."
"We flew in yesterday, and everything went well - her dad and I watched football while she caught up with her mom and sisters, and then we had a really nice dinner."
"But things went south at the end of the night when it was made clear that they didn't want me sharing a bed with my wife while in their home, and that they expected me to sleep on the couch."
"I honestly thought they were joking at first, but they insisted we sleep separately."
"I had a problem with the implication that I shouldn't be allowed to sleep next to my wife."
"I also have a bad back, and the couch did not look the least bit comfortable (they don't have a guest room).
"After arguing back and forth for a bit, I decided to leave and book a hotel."
"I told my wife she didn't have to come with me, she chose to stay, and I said I'd come back the next day."
"I went off to a Marriott about 10 miles away and got a good night's sleep, trying to not let the whole situation bother me."
"This morning, I called my wife asking when I should come by."
"She told me her parents want me to apologize for leaving the way I did."
"I told her that I'm willing to apologize to keep the peace, but they need to acknowledge that it wasn't appropriate to insist I can't share a bed with my own wife."
"She said she'd talk to them and call me back."
"About 10 minutes later, I hear back from her, and she tells me that not only will they not apologize for it, but they are also now insisting I need to come back and stay on the couch for the rest of our visit."
"And if I don't agree to this, I'm not welcome back in the house."
"I'm pretty livid at this point - I told her that there's absolutely no chance that I will do that."
"And I am no longer willing to offer any sort of apology."
"My wife's sisters are now bothering me saying this is just the way their parents are, that my wife is very upset."
"And that I need to just give in and stay on the couch for the rest of the trip before this turns into some sort of family feud."
"From my perspective, I don't care what they think."
"And I'm willing to treat the rest of this trip as a solo vacation, go sightseeing, and meet my wife back at the airport at the end of the week."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts."
"It's their house, their rules, and their rules are stupid."
"Rather than fighting a pointless battle, you set a clear and valid boundary, and they chose to take offense to it."
"They want you to stay on their couch because it's a power play."
"You staying in a hotel takes that power away, and they can't handle it."
"The fact that your wife doesn't have your back on this is a giant red flag. Good luck." ~ b_digital
"I just saw a similar story like this on pettyrevenge."
"Wait until they come to visit you, offer them a place to stay, then insist your F[ather] I[n] L[aw] sleep on the couch."
"Your house, your rules." ~ VacationInevitable26
"My biggest issue isn't even the fact they were trying to make married people sleep in different areas, it's that they are requiring he sleeps on the couch."
"And I have one question. His wife offered to let her husband take her old bed and her take the couch?"
"It shouldn't be a need at all, but if her parents are insisting they both stay in the home but not in the same room with no guest room while the husband has a bad back, why would that not be the wife's first thought to a solution."
"NOT that the husband just has to deal with it to appease HER parent's ridiculous rules."
"And I'd be making for damn sure that EVERY time in-laws visit again they have to have one on the guest bed and one on the couch."
"Honestly I'm petty enough that it would be the case even if there were 2 empty beds."
"And the moment they mention a hotel then say the same that they did."
"That if they don't want the sleeping arrangements you assigned on this trip, then they will not be welcome in your home."
"I'll admit that I'm petty and vindictive, but at the least, I'd be heavily evaluating my relationship."
"Purely because of the insistence that OP having basic accommodations is less important than his wife's parents need to control OP by forcing him to sleep on a couch."
"I can see in some ways how it could be seen as disrespect to the host, but when the couple is married, it's disrespect to the fact that the couple is married to force them to sleep in separate beds."
"The one exception being if the in-laws also slept in different beds when they had guests as well as having guests be in separate beds." ~ teyyannn
"I think people who don't grow up in these types of households don't realize how difficult standing up for yourself and/or your spouse can be at first, especially in some cultures where respecting your elders is a big thing."
"Not that I'm condoning OP's spouse's behavior, just agreeing that there may be a lot going on as a result of OP's spouse's childhood that may have caused her to react the way she did."
"OP needs to have an honest, open conversation about his spouse and her family dynamics, and how it makes him feel."
"And find out from her why she didn't support him." ~ 3YearsinJapan
"If they can't respect OP's relationship then there is no point being there."
"A married/committed couple should stay in the same room and bed unless the bed is too small (still should be given the option) or the couple themselves choose not to."
"There is no fathomable reason to have a committed couple sleep separately." ~ SageRiBardan
"This is what happens when you refuse to let a total control freak control you. "
"They lose their sh**."
"They couldn't handle OP sleeping in a hotel and being perfectly at ease and comfortable."
"They wanted to inflict some discomfort on him, and he refused to play along.
NTA, OP. And don't go back."
"The fact that the whole family is telling you to just grab your ankles to keep the peace - that tells me a lot about that family dynamic."
"You are early in your marriage."
"You've taken the first step to let the in-laws know you have a backbone."
"Don't quit now. Their daughter married a man, not a doormat." ~ redheadjd
"I would spend the visit looking for marriage counselors. You need one."
"NTA, but I have serious doubts about your relationship."
"And DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with your wife until you figure out whose side she is on."
"Right now it is not yours."
"You should not come second to her family, especially in this situation." ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
OP came back with updates...
"Wow, I didn't expect this post to blow up the way it did."
"Thanks for all the responses and awards!"
"I took the advice of one of the posters here to ask my wife and her sisters to meet me for dinner apart from their parents."
"It was interesting, to say the least."
"After we sat down, I leaned into them a bit about what had happened."
"I asked my wife if she knew her dad was going to demand we sleep separately, and she said she was surprised by it as well."
"She'd expect that if I were still just her boyfriend, but we're married now."
"I then asked them all if they thought it was OK for their parents to act the way they did."
"They said it wasn't, but they know their father, and it's best to just let things like this go."
"This led to a somewhat uncomfortable conversation about how controlling he can get, how he angers easily when he doesn't get his way, and that he was already throwing a fit over me 'disrespecting him' by leaving."
"The reason they were all trying to get me to come back and apologize was that he would find some way to make them all miserable for the rest of the week if I didn't."
"I told my wife I was really disappointed that she wouldn't side with her husband when I was clearly in the right, and she went sort of quiet."
"I then asked if they thought this was even about house rules because it seemed more like their dad was just trying to show me who was in charge."
"They agreed."
"Up to this point, I had really done everything I could to not escalate this situation."
"But I started to get really mad that they were all so afraid of how their dad would react."
"I decided I needed to push back a bit."
"I know my wife was mainly here to spend time with her sisters who she rarely gets to see."
"So I told them all I was going to move to a hotel by the beach about an hour away in San Diego for the rest of the week and I'd book a second room for them if they wanted to all join."
"They don't get to go on trips much, so I figured they'd be excited to get a free vacation away from their parents."
"They know that their dad is probably going to freak out when they leave, but I think they realized this situation had gone too far so they decided they would come and deal with the fallout afterward."
"So that's where this all stands for now."
"I'm about to check out of my hotel and hit the road for San Diego."
"My wife and her sisters are coming down in a separate car after their parents leave for work."
"I fully expect their dad to throw a conniption fit when he finds out they left without telling him, but I really don't care at this point."
"I tried to be the bigger person at every turn, but he pushed this all way too far."
"Thanks again to everyone for all the insight."
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
This was an explosive situation.
We hope you enjoy San Diego!
Good luck with your father-in-law.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp