Sleeping arrangements in relationships can be an awkward situation.
When meeting the parents for the first time, or before a major commitment has occurred, parents may not be keen on kids sharing beds.
But what about after they tie the knot?
Case in point…
Redditor Accomplished-Menu773 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for moving to a hotel because my wife’s family insisted I sleep on the couch?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I got married last summer.”
“Her family lives across the country from us.”
“So up until this point I had never actually visited them, but I had met them a handful of times, and we’ve always gotten along fine.”
“They invited us to come to visit and stay with them for a few days, and we took them up on the offer.”
“We flew in yesterday, and everything went well – her dad and I watched football while she caught up with her mom and sisters, and then we had a really nice dinner.”
“But things went south at the end of the night when it was made clear that they didn’t want me sharing a bed with my wife while in their home, and that they expected me to sleep on the couch.”
“I honestly thought they were joking at first, but they insisted we sleep separately.”
“I had a problem with the implication that I shouldn’t be allowed to sleep next to my wife.”
“I also have a bad back, and the couch did not look the least bit comfortable (they don’t have a guest room).
“After arguing back and forth for a bit, I decided to leave and book a hotel.”
“I told my wife she didn’t have to come with me, she chose to stay, and I said I’d come back the next day.”
“I went off to a Marriott about 10 miles away and got a good night’s sleep, trying to not let the whole situation bother me.”
“This morning, I called my wife asking when I should come by.”
“She told me her parents want me to apologize for leaving the way I did.”
“I told her that I’m willing to apologize to keep the peace, but they need to acknowledge that it wasn’t appropriate to insist I can’t share a bed with my own wife.”
“She said she’d talk to them and call me back.”
“About 10 minutes later, I hear back from her, and she tells me that not only will they not apologize for it, but they are also now insisting I need to come back and stay on the couch for the rest of our visit.”
“And if I don’t agree to this, I’m not welcome back in the house.”
“I’m pretty livid at this point – I told her that there’s absolutely no chance that I will do that.”
“And I am no longer willing to offer any sort of apology.”
“My wife’s sisters are now bothering me saying this is just the way their parents are, that my wife is very upset.”
“And that I need to just give in and stay on the couch for the rest of the trip before this turns into some sort of family feud.”
“From my perspective, I don’t care what they think.”
“And I’m willing to treat the rest of this trip as a solo vacation, go sightseeing, and meet my wife back at the airport at the end of the week.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts.”
“It’s their house, their rules, and their rules are stupid.”
“Rather than fighting a pointless battle, you set a clear and valid boundary, and they chose to take offense to it.”
“They want you to stay on their couch because it’s a power play.”
“You staying in a hotel takes that power away, and they can’t handle it.”
“The fact that your wife doesn’t have your back on this is a giant red flag. Good luck.” ~ b_digital
“I just saw a similar story like this on pettyrevenge.”
“Wait until they come to visit you, offer them a place to stay, then insist your F[ather] I[n] L[aw] sleep on the couch.”
“Your house, your rules.” ~ VacationInevitable26
“My biggest issue isn’t even the fact they were trying to make married people sleep in different areas, it’s that they are requiring he sleeps on the couch.”
“And I have one question. His wife offered to let her husband take her old bed and her take the couch?”
“It shouldn’t be a need at all, but if her parents are insisting they both stay in the home but not in the same room with no guest room while the husband has a bad back, why would that not be the wife’s first thought to a solution.”
“NOT that the husband just has to deal with it to appease HER parent’s ridiculous rules.”
“And I’d be making for damn sure that EVERY time in-laws visit again they have to have one on the guest bed and one on the couch.”
“Honestly I’m petty enough that it would be the case even if there were 2 empty beds.”
“And the moment they mention a hotel then say the same that they did.”
“That if they don’t want the sleeping arrangements you assigned on this trip, then they will not be welcome in your home.”
“I’ll admit that I’m petty and vindictive, but at the least, I’d be heavily evaluating my relationship.”
“Purely because of the insistence that OP having basic accommodations is less important than his wife’s parents need to control OP by forcing him to sleep on a couch.”
“I can see in some ways how it could be seen as disrespect to the host, but when the couple is married, it’s disrespect to the fact that the couple is married to force them to sleep in separate beds.”
“The one exception being if the in-laws also slept in different beds when they had guests as well as having guests be in separate beds.” ~ teyyannn
“I think people who don’t grow up in these types of households don’t realize how difficult standing up for yourself and/or your spouse can be at first, especially in some cultures where respecting your elders is a big thing.”
“Not that I’m condoning OP’s spouse’s behavior, just agreeing that there may be a lot going on as a result of OP’s spouse’s childhood that may have caused her to react the way she did.”
“OP needs to have an honest, open conversation about his spouse and her family dynamics, and how it makes him feel.”
“And find out from her why she didn’t support him.” ~ 3YearsinJapan
“If they can’t respect OP’s relationship then there is no point being there.”
“A married/committed couple should stay in the same room and bed unless the bed is too small (still should be given the option) or the couple themselves choose not to.”
“There is no fathomable reason to have a committed couple sleep separately.” ~ SageRiBardan
“This is what happens when you refuse to let a total control freak control you. “
“They lose their sh**.”
“They couldn’t handle OP sleeping in a hotel and being perfectly at ease and comfortable.”
“They wanted to inflict some discomfort on him, and he refused to play along.
NTA, OP. And don’t go back.”
“The fact that the whole family is telling you to just grab your ankles to keep the peace – that tells me a lot about that family dynamic.”
“You are early in your marriage.”
“You’ve taken the first step to let the in-laws know you have a backbone.”
“Don’t quit now. Their daughter married a man, not a doormat.” ~ redheadjd
“I would spend the visit looking for marriage counselors. You need one.”
“NTA, but I have serious doubts about your relationship.”
“And DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with your wife until you figure out whose side she is on.”
“Right now it is not yours.”
“You should not come second to her family, especially in this situation.” ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
OP came back with updates…
“Wow, I didn’t expect this post to blow up the way it did.”
“Thanks for all the responses and awards!”
“I took the advice of one of the posters here to ask my wife and her sisters to meet me for dinner apart from their parents.”
“It was interesting, to say the least.”
“After we sat down, I leaned into them a bit about what had happened.”
“I asked my wife if she knew her dad was going to demand we sleep separately, and she said she was surprised by it as well.”
“She’d expect that if I were still just her boyfriend, but we’re married now.”
“I then asked them all if they thought it was OK for their parents to act the way they did.”
“They said it wasn’t, but they know their father, and it’s best to just let things like this go.”
“This led to a somewhat uncomfortable conversation about how controlling he can get, how he angers easily when he doesn’t get his way, and that he was already throwing a fit over me ‘disrespecting him’ by leaving.”
“The reason they were all trying to get me to come back and apologize was that he would find some way to make them all miserable for the rest of the week if I didn’t.”
“I told my wife I was really disappointed that she wouldn’t side with her husband when I was clearly in the right, and she went sort of quiet.”
“I then asked if they thought this was even about house rules because it seemed more like their dad was just trying to show me who was in charge.”
“They agreed.”
“Up to this point, I had really done everything I could to not escalate this situation.”
“But I started to get really mad that they were all so afraid of how their dad would react.”
“I decided I needed to push back a bit.”
“I know my wife was mainly here to spend time with her sisters who she rarely gets to see.”
“So I told them all I was going to move to a hotel by the beach about an hour away in San Diego for the rest of the week and I’d book a second room for them if they wanted to all join.”
“They don’t get to go on trips much, so I figured they’d be excited to get a free vacation away from their parents.”
“They know that their dad is probably going to freak out when they leave, but I think they realized this situation had gone too far so they decided they would come and deal with the fallout afterward.”
“So that’s where this all stands for now.”
“I’m about to check out of my hotel and hit the road for San Diego.”
“My wife and her sisters are coming down in a separate car after their parents leave for work.”
“I fully expect their dad to throw a conniption fit when he finds out they left without telling him, but I really don’t care at this point.”
“I tried to be the bigger person at every turn, but he pushed this all way too far.”
“Thanks again to everyone for all the insight.”
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
This was an explosive situation.
We hope you enjoy San Diego!
Good luck with your father-in-law.