Content Warning: Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Tokophobia (fear of giving birth)
It’s becoming increasingly common for women to opt out of the possibility of becoming mothers, or at least biological mothers, because of the range of dangers involved in pregnancy.
Because it’s honestly a disservice how little we talk about the ramifications to women’s mental health and physical health that often come along with one or multiple pregnancies, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (ATAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwra_hospitalwife had been at a loss for what to do and what to expect during his wife’s pregnancy, especially toward the end when she insisted that she would not be birthing her baby.
When she went into active labor in their home, the Original Poster (OP) had to trick her by offering her the top pregnancy food craving to get her to the hospital.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for using my scared pregnant wife’s cravings against her to drive her to the hospital during labor when she absolutely wouldn’t go?”
The OP and his wife recently welcomed their baby home.
“My wife and I have been together for six years now, and a few months ago, we welcomed our first child, our baby girl, the sweetest baby ever.”
“The ongoing tension between my wife and me started with what happened on the day of the birth.”
Toward the end of the pregnancy, the OP’s wife dreaded giving birth.
“During the final two months of her pregnancy, my wife was overwhelmed with anxiety about giving birth.”
“As her due date approached, she refused to even talk to her doctor on the phone, breaking down in tears at the slightest mention of labor.”
“It was like she was in denial as if ignoring it would make it go away. I tried to encourage her to see a therapist or at least talk to someone, but she shut me down every time, saying she just wasn’t ready.”
The OP was alarmed when his wife refused to go to the hospital.
“On the day she went into labor, she was having obvious, intense contractions, but she kept insisting they were minor and refused to go to the hospital.”
“Her mom, her sister, my mom, my sister, and I all tried to reason with her, but nothing got through.”
“She was determined to stay home, despite being in active labor.”
“At that point, my sister and I knew we had to act. Throughout her pregnancy, my wife had been craving churros, so my sister casually mentioned she was going to pick some up.”
“My wife jumped at the chance to go with her, thinking it would help take her mind off things. But my sister and I had already agreed we were taking her straight to the hospital.”
“There was no way we could leave it up to her judgment anymore.”
The OP’s wife held the trick he had pulled against him for a long time.
“When my wife realized where we were going, her face dropped. She started crying and panicking in the car, but we pushed through because it was the only way. In the end, everything went smoothly.”
“She gave birth safely, and both she and the baby were healthy.”
“It’s been a few months now, and she keeps berating me, using it like a weapon in every argument.”
“Every single time, I apologize, I reassure her, I tell her that I can empathize that she was very scared that day. I never meant to hurt her, I just wanted what was best for her and our child.”
“There was no ill will involved, but she continues to make me feel like I am somehow a terrible person for what I did to her.”
The OP finally spoke up for himself after months of being berated.
“This time when she berated me again, I finally let myself snap because I felt she deserved some harshness from me too. I told her she thinks she’s doing our marriage great favors by being the toxic one, always carrying that bomb in her back pocket, ready to throw it in my face whenever she wants, without a shred of shame.”
“And if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t hesitate because, in that moment, her choices couldn’t be trusted. If she’s still bitter about it after endlessly making up to her, that’s just foolish.”
“She should be grateful I stepped in, took control, and made sure both she and the baby came through safely and healthy.”
“And unless she’s willing to work with me and understand my perspective and communicate healthily, I won’t speak to her about it anymore.”
“She refused to take it in and called me an a**hole for ‘dismissing and stonewalling’ her just because I firmly made it clear I was only going to engage in constructive conversation over this.”
“I don’t respond well to being called names like that because I never talk to her that way. I have never talked to anyone that way. I was furious with her for calling me an a**hole, so I finally said something like, ‘Talk to me in that tone again, and you’ll soon be a single mom real quick.'”
“She can’t stop crying. I feel terrible, but this had been a pattern. I had just been taking all the verbal beatings and had to put an end to it by responding with the same energy.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned that the OP’s wife needed serious help.
“Your wife needs help, and I say that with all kindness.”
“I had an intense fear of labor. I expressed this to my Doctor. My Doctor was very upfront that that fear is/was one of the biggest precursors to Post-Partum Depression. There is help available.”
“While her resentment can somewhat be understood, she needs a painful wake-up call that her behavior was dangerous and something is STILL wrong. Get her help. NTA.” – Which_Conclusion_659
“You need to talk to her doctor.”
“This sounds like something way bigger than an AITAH post, more like she’s got a serious hormonal imbalance or something like postpartum depression, anxiety, or psychosis.”
“There could very well be something wrong going on in her brain that requires intervention.” – Eadicara
“I also ignored the labor thing. I had severe anxiety and was scared of hospitals/doctors. I even tried to get out of the car on the way. It got so bad that I nearly had the baby at home.”
“I had four difficult pregnancies, all high-risk, but in the end, I always called the ambulance. The last baby was born before they could put me on the labor table.”
“It sounds like she has pre- and postpartum depression. Don’t feel guilty, you have done the right thing for your wife and baby’s safety. But I think she needs professional help.” – theanti_influencer75
“I just want to say for the OP personally, when she said you were a ‘terrible person for what you did to her’… You didn’t do anything TO her. You did it FOR her and your baby to make sure they both stayed alive. You were absolutely in the right making that call.”
“Her doctor needs to be looped in like yesterday, and honestly, I hope she’ll be able to look back on this someday and apologize for how she treated you, even if she couldn’t really help it at the time.” – Bri-KachuDodson
“In one of my antenatal classes a couple of weeks ago the midwives mentioned that it’s not uncommon for women in active labor or transition to get up and start packing their bags to go home because they’ve changed their mind and want to go home.”
“They chuckled about it, but the thought to me is just horrific. The worst pain and fear a person might ever experience and yet because it’s ‘normal’ it’s treated as perfectly fine, and little is done to counsel women through it or to prepare for it.” – gagrushenka
Others agreed but also reassured the OP that it was okay to speak up for himself, too.
“I mean, what else was he to do, let her deliver on the kitchen floor??”
“The fact she is still angry and bitter about the fact her husband and sister HELPED her, when she wasn’t appropriately helping herself and her baby (and his), sounds like some post-partum that is critical to deal with. You can’t just ignore being in labor and pretend it’s not happening.”
“Good luck, OP, you did the caring thing, all along from the sound of it. Sorry that there’s more to do with getting her further help. She’ll realize it someday. Hang in there!” – jacquie999
“She’s experiencing Postpartum Depression. You’re NTA, OP, for defending boundaries, but Mom isn’t herself right now. She’s in trouble.” – scarletpepperpot
“If you still want to remain married, I suggest speaking to her health provider and therapists or reaching out to service providers to see why she is acting this way.” – tweakingirl
“I would go with her to her OB to talk about Postpartum Depression and Postpartum anxiety. That kind of anger sounds like PPD to me based on my own experience. Talk therapy for sure and maybe some medication for a bit.”
“Sounds like she’s at 15 out of 10 on the anxiety scale, and sometimes medications can help you get to a manageable threshold to where other practices and talk therapy can really work. But if anything and everything sets her off she’s not going to be able to work through it where she is now.”
“Your NTA. Everyone has a breaking point. But this is probably a good time to start working at the root of the problem for both of your sakes. Just so no one says anything that has long-term damage on your relationship.” – tablee2322
“When I was pregnant for my second, I was suffering from almost debilitating anxiety. One example, my oldest son was 6 at the time, and I’d read some FB shared posts that whoever the terrorist group at the time was, was going to attack elementary schools on 9/11, and I truly believed it would happen in my tiny town no one has heard of, and convinced my husband he was sick so I could keep him home from school that day.”
“I stopped going to grocery stores because I was convinced I would get sick and die. I had my husband bring me to the hospital I don’t know how many times because I just knew something was ‘wrong.'”
“He did his best, but neither of us knew you could suffer from prenatal anxiety like that, and I WISH he’d have told my doctor for me, because I didn’t even know I wasn’t acting normally.” – DreamAppropriate5913
The subReddit was alarmed by the OP’s wife’s behavior and hoped that she would get the help that she needed to feel better. But they also hoped that the OP received the help and closure he needed.
As much as postpartum depression and anxiety could cause the wife’s behavior, that wouldn’t make it any less hurtful.