While people talk about the joys of a new baby coming into the family, and they might even talk about how tired the new parents are going to be in the early days and weeks, few people discuss just how many hardships the new parents might go through.
The situation can be made worse when the couple doesn’t show enough support for one another, resentment might show up in the relationship early, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
While his wife was in labor, Redditor panettonepizza felt exhausted from traveling and decided to get some sleep and take a shower.
But when his wife accused him of being insensitive and said he bragged about the experience, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to be honest with his wife.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my wife how great my shower/sleep was, when she was in the hospital after delivering our baby?”
The OP and his wife were living separately, even while she was pregnant.
“My wife (37 Female) recently gave birth to our son. We are living in different countries, a six-to-eight-hour drive apart, because I (35 Male) went back to full-time school, and she can only work in her country. This way, she could work during her pregnancy, to save up for maternity leave.”
“When her labor started, I was on rotation for my school. I got permission to leave and drove for approximately eight hours to make it there at midnight, just in time.”
The OP’s wife was struggling with the birth.
“She said she had unexpected bleeding and very painful contractions for two hours in the waiting room while she waited for a doctor.”
“But by time I got there, she was peacefully talking to her mother. She got an epidural and asked to wait to push until I arrived.”
“Our baby was born in the middle of the night. She had a third-degree tear and a very large hemorrhoid from pushing.”
“They moved us to a cramped room with a bed for her and a recliner that was very uncomfortable for me to sleep in.”
“My MIL (Mother-in-Law) went home and returned at night to relieve me. I went home, slept overnight, showered, and felt refreshed.”
The OP’s wife didn’t feel supported by her husband.
“I returned the next morning. I told her how great it was to sleep in our bed and to take a shower (her condo shower has the best pressure). I told her I badly needed it after driving all day and spending the next day in the hospital.”
“At that point, they had moved to a private room, which still only had a fold-out padded chair that MIL had slept in.”
“My wife complained that she couldn’t take a shower because the bathroom didn’t have any warm water, the baby had been up all night crying and feeding, and that it hurt for her to walk because of the tear and hemorrhoid.”
The OP’s wife brought it up in a later argument.
“Now our baby is two months old. I managed to have about two and a half weeks, which I spent with them. My MIL is staying with my wife to help with the baby.”
“A week ago, we got into an argument about something. She started accusing me of never once having woken up at night to help with the baby and told me that it was very inconsiderate of me to have bragged about my shower and sleep, when she couldn’t have those luxuries in the hospital.”
“She said I should have seen that she was sleep-deprived and still covered in her own sweat and blood and that it was callous and dense of me to make those comments.”
“She said it showed a lack of compassion.”
The OP didn’t understand where his wife was coming from.
“I didn’t make those comments maliciously! I had gone about 48 hours without a shower, and combined with the eight-hour travel, I felt quite filthy.”
“I had also woke up at 5:00 AM and did a five-hour shift before driving eight to ten hours to get to the hospital. It had been over 36 hours before I had last slept in a bed.”
“I expressed to my wife that it felt great to take a shower and sleep because of the sleep deficit I had and because of how filthy I was feeling.”
“I mentioned that having a good night of sleep and a shower meant that I felt fresh and could be fully present for her and the baby And as helpful as possible during this time.”
“AITA for just expressing gratitude for my experience?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP that he deserved comfort, as well.
“I say NTA. You weren’t bragging. Since you haven’t been living with her recently, it sounds like you were appreciating the amenities at her condo. I can see why she might have thought it was a bit of a self-centered thing for you to say, and clearly, the resentment must have festered for her to feel upset two months later.”
“With the birth of our second child, my husband mostly stayed out of the room while I was laboring, but I had him come into the room to take some photos and video as the pushing part was starting. Apparently, I made a weird face when he took one photo while I was in transition and not yet pushing. He didn’t take any more photos because of that, which is the thing that p**sed me off.”
“He did get a video and transferred it to DVD for me later, but I didn’t really want to watch it for a while. At one point, he asked me if I had watched it, and when I said no, he said, ‘You have to watch it; you don’t know what I went through recording that; it was like something from Alien!'”
“I figured he was being deliberately over the top, and I laughed. He does tend to faint at the sight of blood. Of course, I still remember that over 20 years later.” – Ericameria
“The reality is, of course, it was fine that you mentioned that, if a little insensitive, but because of deficiencies in your relationship, she is hypersensitive.”
“When one or both of you isn’t getting your needs met, then resentment should be expected from innocuous interactions like this. Sounds like right now you are both in a fairly mediocre marriage… but not sure you are an AH just for expressing gratitude for a good night of sleep in that situation.” – ntalwyr
“NTA.”
“If you can’t express positive feelings toward your spouse, then you’ll have a relationship with serious problems. And if she can’t feel good for you or get you to sympathize with her, there’s going to be problems.”
“We’re physical and emotional reciprocating creatures. It’s not all her or all you but, it’s clear there’s an issue here.” – uniqueiamjustjules
“NAH.”
“You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of her; it’s the whole ‘put on your own oxygen mask, then help others’ thing.”
“But maybe don’t make such a big deal about it to the person who doesn’t currently have that option, yeah? Yes, you had a grueling three days too, and yes, your hardships are just as valid as her hardships, but she’s not exactly in the best condition to be making those rational conclusions, now is she?”
“But man, you’re going to get dragged badly in here. As soon as you mention a pregnant woman, even a literal six-foot spear through the eyeball is not going to get any sympathy; you’d get dragged for getting that looked after and missing the birth, and honestly, you’d get in trouble for going into the delivery room with the spear in your eyeball, because then you’re making it all about yourself.” – Cent1234
“NAH.”
“I actually didn’t read anything into your comment because it wasn’t that you were rubbing it into her face. She also doesn’t sound like she said anything at the time, either.”
“She had already moved into her proper private room, and it was unfortunate that it had no hot water (what the h**l, the hospital should’ve been right on that, but it might depend on which country you were in). The fold-out bed for MIL is beside the point.”
“But although she did labour, she did get an epidural, which sounds like it was working well… but why did she not get a shower before she left the birth suite? The third-degree tear really sucks, though.”
“A comment like yours in context could mean that you were up and ready to help her as much as she needed and also a comment on her awesome shower at home… which she’s probably missing. And you also mention this in your OP which to me is not the mindset of a person who was rubbing it in. You both had hard days the day before but for very different reasons. I wonder if MIL is talking in her ear about this and it’s about her comfort rather than your wife’s.”
“It’s also unfortunate that you are currently living in separate countries. How long before you finish school? Were there any plans for your wife to join you, or will you finish school and then go home because that could be a long time.”
“The issue isn’t the comments about the shower/sleep after birth, but it’s deeper. You need to talk to your wife. Her mother may not be as helpful as you think. Your wife may be doing it all. She may need you for more than two and a half weeks.” – KitchenDismal9258
Most felt that the OP was insensitive as well as selfish toward his wife and newborn.
“YTA.”
“She did nine months pregnant and two months looking after YOUR child, for a total of eleven months, never mind the whole birth experience. You could not manage 48 hours.”
“Your solution was to have a shower and sleep, then brag about it.”
“You owe this woman a lot. A lot more than you have provided, a lot more than you were even thinking of providing. Provided, of course, that you had a hot shower and a good sleep first.” – my_igloo_is_melting
“YTA. Have the sleep and shower, but keep your d**n mouth shut. You told a woman who had just pushed another human being out of her body that you were tired because you drove eight hours?” – SuspiciousZombie788
“OP, you completely missed the point of what your wife was trying to say. She is upset that you aren’t there enough and that when you are you aren’t helping enough. The part about you bragging about the shower and your rest was one of those examples.”
“And yes, YTA for both of those. Try to be a little bit more considerate with what you say, and try to help out more with the baby when you are there.” – WaterPrincess78
“YTA.”
“Going without a shower for two days and driving for eight hours is NOTHING compared to going through hours of labor contractions and then pushing out a baby. Plus having a nasty tear and a hemorrhoid on one’s tender parts. Plus, not being able to take a shower to wash off the blood and sweat because the water was cold.”
“Honestly, you seem to lack any kind of empathy for what she’s been through and is still going through with a newborn.”
“If my husband had told me he had showered and had a great night’s sleep while I was laboring and giving birth, I might have thrown the placenta at him.” – Paevatar
“A mild YTA.”
“Your wife is lying there in shambles after a huge ordeal, and you take the opportunity to tell her how nice and fresh you feel after taking a great shower.”
“I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t malicious, but it shows a high level of social obliviousness. The rules of social convention say not to tell someone who is clearly starving and can’t get food how your stomach is full because you just had the most amazing lunch.” – The_Ghost_Reborn
While the subReddit could empathize with the OP wanting to feel comfortable, but they felt there was more going on here than just the shower and good night’s sleep.
It sounded like the new mom wasn’t getting the support she needed from her husband, which was fostering resentment, so when she heard about the comforts he’d experienced while she was struggling, it was too much for her to hear.