Being the person left with a deathbed request is hard.
When a dying loved one asks for a favor, people say yes.
But sometimes that yes can be met with friction.
Case in point...
Redditor Clear_Dream_7649 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my late sister's husband that his daughter is not getting any of my sister's dresses?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister died 17 years ago."
"She left behind a 4-month-old daughter (now 17) and a 5-year-old son (now 22)."
"My sister was diagnosed with cancer eight months into her pregnancy, and she was aware it was terminal right away."
"After my niece was born, she asked me if I would keep her dresses (she had a collection of very nice dresses she had accumulated because she worked for a fashion magazine and got discounts and freebies sometimes) and her favorite jewelry for her kids."
"She said maybe her daughter wouldn't want the clothes, but if she did, they would be with me."
"She told me she knew her husband loved her."
"But she knew he would remarry and that lines can be blurred, and she really didn't want any of his future children or his future wife laying claim to her possessions."
"She wanted them for her children."
"She had a necklace that she knew her son would like one day (and he asked for it when he was 15 and still wears it today)."
"I said of course."
"Her husband did remarry."
"About a year after my sister died, he told our family he had gotten another woman pregnant and then a couple of months later announced they were to marry."
"Things were awkward for a few years."
"He was still part of our lives, but we had not been close when my sister was alive, and his wife was holding some hard feelings toward him and us."
"Their older daughter is 14, and they have a 9-year-old daughter together as well."
"The 14-year-old has a school dance coming up and wanted to wear one of my sister's dresses because she saw a photo of my sister wearing one and heard from her dad that I had them."
"He told me she wanted a dress and wanted me to send it over with my niece for his daughter."
"I refused to send it, and he responded by asking my nephew."
"My nephew said his half-sister had no business having anything to do with one of his mom's dresses."
"My niece wasn't angry like my nephew was, but she found the idea weird."
"My sister's husband told me it wasn't fair to deny the girl the dress because she's not my sister's daughter and that she is part of the family and it shouldn't be a big deal."
"I told him I didn't feel comfortable giving it and was going to do what my sister wanted."
"He suggested she could choose another dress from the collection, and I said she was not getting ANY of the dresses."
"He said I should not be depriving his daughter, and she's being treated unfairly."
"I told him those dresses were nothing to do with her."
"They are for my sister's children."
"He called me pathetic."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your sister was right that he would get remarried and completely fail to safeguard the items she wanted to pass on to her own daughter."
"He has proven her right!!!"
"Stick to your guns and safeguard those items for your sister's daughter." ~ YouSayWotNow
"Consider the timing."
"After his late wife died, he was quick to impregnate and marry another woman."
"They were probably already together when the late wife was still alive." ~ Redtori2009
"It wasn't that quick."
"There's an issue at hand, but I don't think this has anything to do with it."
"I was widowed about six months ago."
"Some people can't ever wrap their head around being with anyone else, and some people can't handle being alone."
"Grief is weird and completely personal."
"Pertinent facts: OP's sis passed, leaving two kids."
"She entrusted OP with items meant for her own kids."
"He remarried after her death and had additional kids, period."
"I don't think we need to doubt his devotion to his departed wife." ~ Bella_LaGhostly
"Not that quick at all."
"His wife died when their daughter was four months old. Daughter is now 17."
"His next oldest daughter, with his new partner, is only 14."
"That's a reasonably respectable amount of time."
"OP is NTA but you are jumping to some wild conclusions here." ~ Feeling-Visit1472
"NTA. Are people not aware of the term 'boundaries?'"
"And why is it always the new wife and her children that just want to vanish or use every single part that belonged to the last wife?"
"Go buy new dresses."
"Nobody is being treated unfairly."
"You were given responsibility by the sister you lost."
"And no one has a right to those dresses except her daughter."
"It's not that hard to understand this." ~ AncientTransition528
"NTA. You respected your sister's wishes."
"Now had it been an emotional wish to wear it, one can understand."
"However, here the only reason was that she 'Liked' the dress."
"Pretty sure she can find another that she likes."
"Let him be butt-hurt." ~ lovealwayswins14
"NTA. It would be one thing if your sister had not addressed this situation, and you were being left to make a decision with no guidance."
"But she didn't."
"She said the dresses were for her daughter and not for any future children her hubby might have."
"Seems pretty clear to me."
"You're executing the will of your sister."
"Nothing less. Nothing more." ~ Sooner70
"NTA. I applaud you for keeping your promise to your sister."
"Stick to your guns."
"You have more integrity and class than your former BIL will ever have." ~ LoveBeach8
"NTA:"
"Your Sister knew her husband and left her things in your care for a reason!!"
"This little girl will probably try and keep it after the dance or mess it up somehow."
"Hide them away until the niece has moved out and wants them." ~ Katie_Emm
"NTA. Your sister specifically said they're for her own children only."
"You respected that wish."
"Your sister said who she wanted to give the dresses and jewelry to since it was hers and entrusted you with giving them to her kids."
"You're doing the right thing by not giving the dress to her." ~ poshde
"NTA. Your late sister made it very clear that under no circumstances were her possessions to be given to anyone aside from HER children or you."
"Your former brother-in-law, his current wife, and their children have no claim to anything." ~ QueenVell
"NTA. You are simply respecting your sister's wishes, and you are not wrong for that."
"It's kind of funny how she saw this coming, though."
"Or maybe not, because your former B[other] I[n] L[aw] is clearly an AH."
"He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for the fact these dresses are for his first-born daughter; the only things she has from her mother, who she never got to know."
"The fact he cannot even allow her to have this memory of her mother exclusively for herself, and by calling the whole thing 'not a big deal,' makes me wonder how else he minimizes your niece."
"His wife was holding some hard feelings toward him and us."
"Even more reason to not allow any of those dresses to leave your house."
"All you know of your former BIL's wife is that she harbors animosity towards you, and if you allow her daughter to wear the dress for the dance, you have no idea whether it will come back in one piece - or indeed at all." ~ ImStealingTheTowels
"You're not pathetic. You are following through on your dead sister's wishes."
"It takes a lot of discipline and resolve to do this when you have such resistance from living, breathing people."
"Stay strong in the knowledge that you are honoring your sister's wishes."
"You KNOW you're doing the right thing. NTA." ~ McSkill7864
"NTA, your sister had the foresight to see this coming."
"Your former BIL is the AH, and he knows the reason the dresses were given to you to hold."
"Please keep good contact with your niece and make sure they are not abusive to her over this issue."
"Make sure she has a safe exit plan when she turns 18." ~ Crazybutnotlazy1983
OP came back with some clarification...
"Just a quick edit to say I have likely gotten his other kids' ages wrong."
"The older one is more likely 15 now, and I think I might have aged up the younger one."
"I'm not close to these kids, don't spend time with them or anything, really."
"But the timeline was about a year after my sister died; he told us he had gotten another woman pregnant."
"The older of his two girls with wife #2 is that child."
"Second one was born a few years after."
"They were married a few months into her first pregnancy."
"Sorry for that confusion."
"My niece only recently turned 17, so doing actual math in my head, 15 is more likely for the first child with his second wife."
"Sorry for that confusion!"
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your sister asked you specifically to keep these things safe.
You understood the assignment and carried out her wishes.
Stay strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp