Keeping it sexy and spicy in the bedroom are some of the ways many couples make it work.
Now, bringing the sexy out of the bedroom and in public is something that everybody should be on the same page about.
A surprise in this department can lead to some issues.
Case in point...
Redditor Throwaway920390 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not using my husband's 'hilarious' gift?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"H (29 M[ale]) and I (26 F[emale]) have been married for four years."
"I had a great job in sales before Covid, but we found during the pandemic that things just worked better with H at work and me at home (he earns enough to support us both)."
"I never thought I'd end up being a 'traditional' wife, but given that he's the breadwinner, I sometimes feel as though I should pick up a lot of the slack at home."
"I'm not a great cook, but I'm sociable and enjoy being the hostess."
"When H has friends over to watch soccer, I prep a huge tray of snacks, keep the beers on ice, and pop in with drink and food top-ups during the game."
"I don't stay to watch, but I do ask the guys how they're doing, etc, just polite chit-chat."
"They all seemed into it and often comment that H has done well to have such a great wife."
"It's a nice setup."
"Last week, H came home with a beautifully gift-wrapped box and said he'd got me a little something to wear when his friends are next over."
"I do my best to dress nicely when they're around, so I figured it would be a pretty dress or something."
"He had this huge grin on his face, so I was SO excited."
"I opened the box to find a red latex mini-dress and a ball gag."
"The gag was designed to look like a soccer ball, and the dress is in his team's color."
"I didn't know what to say at first."
"I was so confused (he's never been into anything like that, he's very vanilla)."
"I asked if it was a joke, and at first, he said no and told me his friends wouldn't believe how lucky he was if I walked in with the snacks like that."
"I can't remember what I said next, but then he told me it would be hilarious if I wore it, and I should lighten up."
"I gave it a nervous laugh and told him I thought it was funny too."
"This morning, he'd put both items on my dresser and said he's looking forward to seeing me in them when the guys are around tomorrow."
"I reminded him that he said it was a joke. He got a bit sulky and said he can't believe I don't have a sense of humor."
"But from what he's saying, it sounds like he's expecting me to wear it."
"I'm so confused because..."
"1) I don't know if he's done this as a joke because his friends think I talk too much, or..."
"2) If he'd get off on me being humiliated."
"He says I'm being uptight and called me out for being an AH, but I honestly don't think I'm unreasonable."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"WTF? If it's something he's into, this is not the way to introduce it."
"And if humor is really the goal, tell him that his friends would find it even funnier if HE wore it (undeniably true), and then you can get upset if he doesn't go along with that because that would make him uptight, and where is his sense of humor?
"100% NTA." ~ bigcup321
"Unless his friends are the biggest collection of a**holes and creeps in the world, I'm pretty sure at least one of them would be super uncomfortable and confused if she wore those things to bring them snacks."
"At best it looks like they are dragging his friends consensually into their kinks."
"If I were married to one of those dudes, and my husband came home and said his friend's wife had walked around in that outfit plus ball gag serving them, I would also be pretty upset."
"I'm fine with him going to strip clubs, but another woman subbing in front of my husband kinda rubs me the wrong way."
"Again I would feel like someone consensually involved my husband in their sex life, and that is not ok."
"This is just so weird that even a low-level a**hole would probably go 'wtf.'"
"I would probably tell the friends directly 'Husband wanted me to wear a ball gag today, and I don't know if he thinks I talk too much or you guys think I talk too much, but he made it weird, and so the snack service has now ended.'"
"'You are welcome to ask him to get you snacks if you want them. Sorry if I've bothered you guys, but now I just feel too uncomfortable to come around.'"
"Let him deal with whatever fallout comes of that." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"That's how my boyfriend would be."
"He's texting me, and I'd call him with an emergency so he could nope tf out of there."
"At the same, he'd never in a million years want me to feel the way this woman's HUSBAND is making her feel."
"Partners are supposed to love and support you and prioritize your respect and comfort."
"He'd never even give me something like that as a 'joke gift' because he values my feelings."
"OP, I think you can do better."
"You are NTA. Far from it."
"Your husband though." ~ StromanthePoet
"My husband wouldn't even be subtle."
"It would be 'Well this is f**ked up."
"I'm leaving. Don't call me again. as he's leaving: 'THIS IS WHY I DON'T HANG OUT WITH STRAIGHT PEOPLE, MAN! WTF?'"
"NTA OP, this is beyond weird and disgusting, and nobody thinks their homie's wife dressed as a waitress at a BDSM sports bar is a 'joke.'"
"That's also a REALLY expensive joke."
"I don't think he's kidding, and you should shut that s**t down immediately if he keeps pressuring you to behave in a sexual manner in front of his friends, I would constitute that sexual harassment and divorce him ASAP." ~ thr0wwwwawayyy
"I don't get how everyone seems to miss that the key element of kink is communication, literally from beginning to end."
"You discuss things you want to try (latex! Being dressed up by your partner! Exhibitionism!), each participant's potential comfort with that, limits, a safe word."
"And typically you build your way up. You don't go straight to 'wear fetish gear in front of my friends while serving us food and drinks.'"
"If I were being generous, I'd say that this was an incredibly poor attempt to approach an interest in kink with OP since society is sh*t at helping straight folk communicate their sexual desires that deviate from the norm."
"But that doesn't make this acceptable; he's being so defensive when OP asked for clarification that it's frankly unhealthy and borderline violent communication."
"This would make me feel really unsafe as a sexual/romantic partner." ~ Uma__
"I really enjoy having guests, treating them with delicious food, and making my husband happy."
"But doing all the prep work AND being the waitress during the evening for my husband and his friends?"
"F*** that. I'm not his maid."
"We could prep together, but once the game is on bye-bye."
"He and his friends can manage with the food and drinks while I go enjoy a girl's night out or a spa day."
"OP is already being waayyyyyy too nice, and her husband is, at best, dumb as a knife without a handle, at worst a huge toxic and abusive creep who just started showing off his true colors." ~ dalaigh93
"This. Snack service has now ended."
"NTA, OP. Your husband sure is for taking what he claimed is a joke to the level of basically saying outright he's into this."
"Seems he wanted you to laugh but also desperately wants you to 'be sexier' or something."
"Privately? There are ways to ask. Publicly? It's humiliation." ~ runswithwands
"I honestly think that maybe the compliments made him feel amazing—and he is bragging about exactly how much he can get his wife to do."
"Like she doesn't do it out of the kindness of her own heart, but because she's submissive to him and does whatever he wants."
"I bet he talked himself up like this with his friends, and that's why he wants his wife to dress up like this."
"It's not a bondage kink—it's simultaneously a humiliation kink and making himself feel like 'an alpha' with his friends."
"This feels like some toxic Andrew Tate incel sh*t."
"It's not a joke. Don't do it."
"And have a serious talk with your husband about why he thinks this is okay. NTA." ~ Quirky_Number4460
"NTA. The husband is really f**ked up for even suggesting that as a joke."
"If this is his first act like this, then what the f**k is he going to do next?"
"I honestly thought it'd be like a sexy maid outfit, which would still be awful, but a f**king ball gag!" ~ Rush_Is_Right
Well, OP, Reddit, is with you loud and clear.
There are jokes, and then there are red flags.
Situations like these should be cleared ahead of time and discussed and agreed upon.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp