Content Warning: Dark jokes about murder and poisoning
No relationship is perfect, and every person is going to have a habit or two that's either annoying or troublesome, even for a partner who deeply loves them, like not putting their dirty laundry in the hamper.
But there are some behaviors that not only are inexcusable, but they're blatantly concerning, if not dangerous, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subreddit, and most importantly, they likely should be relationship deal breakers.
Redditor GovernmentExtreme245 had never known their husband to be much of a jokester or a "funny guy," so when he started joking around with them, it was a little confusing at first.
But when his jokes and pranks became increasingly violent and deranged in nature, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if they were reading too much into the material, or if their partner was no longer safe to live with.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for wanting to leave my husband because he keeps joking about murdering me?"
The OP's husband had started to tell them some alarming jokes.
"My husband isn't really the type of person who is good at jokes or known as a funny guy."
"He never jokes anyway, but over the last month, he keeps making jokes about my death, or him killing me, or about stuff involving my death."
"Some of these jokes genuinely made me feel a little scared."
For example, I came late from work and was eating dinner alone, a soup that he had made. After I took a few sips, he said something like, 'If this soup were poisoned, this would be your last meal.' That would suck since you don't even like soup.'"
"I don't know. Maybe that sounds funny, but I don't think so."
There were other jokes that were equally frightening.
"Then, when I forgot to take medications for my heart, which I have to take daily, he said, 'I wonder how long you'd last without them before your heart stops beating.'"
"Another time, I hit my head on the stairs and lost consciousness for a second. He pointed out to me how hard that hit was and came to the conclusion that it would take a lot more force for a skull to break than he originally thought."
"Once, he said how people around us are so busy that nobody would notice if one of us disappeared."
"It's like, not all of his jokes are directly targeted at me, but at the same time, they are."
The OP's husband also engaged in physical pranks.
"There are way more examples, and even physical things that he's done, like when he once pretended to chase me at 3:00 AM when I went to the toilet. This might sound funny, but it was terrifying for me."
"As I said, he's not a funny guy, and he never was until he started making these 'jokes.'"
The OP wondered if they were reading too much into the pranks.
"Reading this back, it sounds unserious and maybe people will find it funny, but it's not a fun situation to be in."
"I don't want to end up on the news one day, you know? But do you think I'm reading too much into my husband's jokes?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that these "jokes" were not funny and did not feel like jokes.
"Girl, no one's going to find this funny. What's funny about your husband fantasizing about poisoning your food and wondering how much force it would take to crush your skull?"
"Did something happen to make him start acting like this in the last month? Medication change, etc.? That's the only way I could understand this at all." - Fair_Theme_9388
"There is zero humor in what he is saying. The thoughts that are prompting his 'jokes' are coming from somewhere pretty dark." - CarlosHDanger
"It is not funny in any way. It is so dangerous." - Mountain_Cat_cold
"Sometimes, people want to say something but don't want to take responsibility for saying it. He is f**king serious about his jokes, but wants the shield of 'it was just a joke' between him and having to own the statement."
"He. Wants.You. DEAD."
"Run. Grab your birth certificate and your savings and GO." - AyJay9
"There's a huge difference between dark humor and straight-up creepy fixation. The fact that it started so suddenly makes me wonder, too, if something triggered it or if he picked it up from somewhere."
"Either way, jokes like that stop being 'jokes' the second the person on the receiving end feels unsafe." - speedy896
"As someone who makes similar jokes in my relationship (not quite murder but like, 'When you die, I'm keeping your body to use in the carpool lane'), I don't find this funny at all."
"The huge huge difference is that this was a discussed, mutually agreed upon thing in my relationship, we both find it funny, and the jokes aren't, "haha, you're dead.'" - Infernalsummer
"You need to leave him. There's nothing funny about this at all." - 64green
"Even if it was 'funny' or came across as 'jokey,' which it doesn't, there is an undertone of malice to all of his statements, and even though I am a stranger on the Internet, I am genuinely scared for OP." - GabrielleArcha
"No. It doesn't sound unserious; just the opposite, in fact. You need to get out of there as soon as possible and break contact with him. There is nothing funny about this."
"And when you hopefully leave him, don't for one second believe him when he says it was a joke or you're too sensitive, blah blah blah. Absolutely nothing about this is funny."
"Don't tell him your plan beforehand. Get some friends to help you move and just do it. And if you can't do it when he isn't there, then call the police and have them come to your home so you have protection while you pack up."
"Seriously, do NOT tell him you're leaving him. That is the most dangerous time for women leaving their partners." - paddington-1
Others believed the OP wasn't safe and urged them to leave immediately.
"When people make even idle death threats, they should be taken seriously. OP needs to get the f**k out as soon as possible." - Frosty-Prize-1522
"Run. Run away NOW. And don't tell him until after you leave, if even then! Work with a lawyer who can help you get divorced without ever having to face him to sign anything." - UpstairsTechnology97
"If he's voicing these 'jokes,' that's because he's thinking these thoughts. When I think something, I sometimes try to find a way to share what I'm thinking to make it interesting, funny, or whatever."
"But I don't tend to be thinking about murdering ANYONE, so I don't make murder related jokes. Mostly, 'How can a baby produce so much snot?' jokes."
"Think of it like a staircase. The bottom rung is thinking of a thing. The next is letting it live as a story in your head. The next is mentioning it in conversation. The top of that staircase is a murder attempt. When you find your partner is on that staircase, you should take action." - chrestomancy
"Since she's still going to work, she can sneak things out in her lunch or work bags (especially documents, just come home with a few papers a night before to 'review' and slide your docs into them)."
"A trusted family member can come pick them up. Or if leaving will happen quickly in sequence, you can dump them in a locked drawer at work for the week."
"If family is around as support, a place to stay, most clothing can be reasonably replaced if needed, you'll have basic amenities with family, and you can build back up from there."
"Very tough situation." - WiseAnimator7081
"I'm wondering if he's taken out some life insurance policies? Fully agree with getting the essential documents and medication to a safe place before getting out. It also seems like the medication might be tampered with, so that needs to be protected immediately."
"Meanwhile, take additional clothing to work and family. Spare jumper, change of clothes, because helping with a dirty job, underwear can fit in pockets. Spare, under-used utensils. I could clear out half my house before my partner would notice. Bag of clothes/brick-aback for charity."
"Ask him if he's got anything? Use a bag that comes through the letterbox to make it seem genuine. Say you're considering doing a tabletop sale or car boot sale and put items in the box. No need to tell him until safely out and divorce papers ready to serve." - PsychoMarion
"My second husband used to joke about stuff like this."
"Then, he tossed me from a window of our third-floor apartment, onto the roof of a Snap-On tools truck. The cops hauled him off. The judge gave him 15 years in prison, about 33 years ago."
"He never came out. From what I was told, his mouth wrote a check his ass couldn't cash."
"Seems fitting to OP's situation."
"And I want the OP to understand how quickly and unexpectedly this could escalate. My getting pitched out the window was such a sudden and violent reaction to my getting a promotion."
"If he wanted the promotion himself, all he had to do was tell me, and I would have gotten it for him. The only reason I got the position was that I had ripped $250,000 USD back for the company from the previous bookkeeper."
"The extent of my injuries were two kneecaps broken, two shoulders dislocated, a broken right wrist and to this day, I get pains in those bones every time the weather changes."
"The only reason I'm alive today is because the tool sales driver parked his truck in the fire lane to deliver tools to the mechanic shop next door to the pharmacy we lived over. If he'd been legally parked, I wouldn't be here." - CoppertopTX
The subReddit was deeply concerned for the OP and hoped that they would get out of the situation as soon as possible before something bad could happen.
There's dark humor, which is typically understood, consented to, and even demonstrated by both partners, and then there's behavior like this.
This was far from okay; if anything, it seemed like projection poorly disguised as jokes.
