Having a newborn baby can be a wonderful experience.
It can also be an experience riddled with stressful situations.
Babies need constant attention.
And they often need their moms close by for food.
This can make attending social events tricky.
Redditor important_seconds wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister's child-free wedding after she asked me not to bring my baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (34 F[emale]) sister (29F) is getting married in three months."
"She's having a child-free wedding, which I totally respect."
"My husband (35 M[ale]) and I have a 3-month-old baby."
"When my sister first told us about the child-free situation, I assumed there would be some flexibility for immediate family, especially newborns who can't be left alone."
"I talked to my sister and asked if we could bring our baby to the ceremony, explaining I am breastfeeding and we don't feel comfortable leaving our baby with someone for an entire day."
"We have to fly into the town where she is getting married (and we don't know anyone there) so we would have to leave the baby with a stranger there, or leave the baby back home with someone we know for a long period of time. "
"I am quite anxious about being away from our newborn for too long, which my sister knows."
"To my surprise, my sister was adamant that no children, including our baby, would be allowed at the wedding."
"She said it wouldn't be fair to make an exception for us when other guests are also not allowed to bring their kids."
"I asked if we could at least bring the baby for the ceremony and leave afterward, but she said no, explaining she wants a strict no-kids atmosphere the entire day."
"I told her that if our baby couldn't come, we'd likely skip the wedding because it's too hard to leave our newborn for such a long stretch of time."
"We thought about the idea of just having my husband attend, but that also seemed a bit strange too."
"I also don't want to just leave the baby with my husband and go by myself."
"My sister got very upset with me, saying it's her special day, and she feels like I'm putting our baby above her wedding."
"She even hinted that I should figure out how to 'detach' from the baby for just a few days and that we should understand how important this event is for her."
"Maybe I am being unreasonable for not willing to leave my baby behind, but I just feel like I should be there for my baby at all times (plus I know how anxious I am gonna feel that entire day)."
"My sister's argument is that it's her wedding and her rules, and while I respect that, I also think she should be more understanding of our situation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I really the a**hole for refusing to attend her wedding if I can't bring my baby?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Another day, another AITA for not going to a child-free wedding or variations thereof."
"After 5 million of these stories, it's still difficult to understand why those holding child-free weddings get upset when people with children can't/won't come to your precious wedding."
"It's equally difficult to understand why those with children keep wanting exceptions for their rugrats."
"Not the AH for not going, not the AH for wanting a child-free wedding."
"There, I hope that clears it up for future posters."
"Also as a side note, no one has a bullet to your head about funding a wedding you don't want to attend."
"Don't fund it and don't attend it." ~ thealchemist1000-
"The only time anyone is an AH is when they make demands and/or throw a fit. Kinda like the sister."
"NTA." ~ 262run
"Every flipping time."
"It's like the heirs to the throne."
"When a child is born, everyone moves down a step."
"Your responsibility is to your child first!"
"Having a child-free wedding is like a destination wedding."
"Not everyone can accommodate your wishes and you've just got to accept it. NTA." ~ loverlyone
"NTA. I had a 'kids free' wedding ceremony and reception, primarily because I didn't need to pay full price only to have 30% of our guests be under the age of 12."
"But also, guess what? I made exceptions!"
"This whole "oh I couldn't make an exception for my sister's newborn because then my third cousin will be mad she didn't get to bring her pre-teen" is just nonsense."
"It's your party: invite who you want, and your invitees get to say sorry can't make it." ~ flyeTwaddle
"Exactly! Local guests (friends) didn't get their kids invited to our wedding."
"They have babysitters and wanted a fun night out anyway."
"Family who flew across the country came with kids because most of them couldn't have made it without. Nobody cared."
"People aren't idiots and can understand the situation." ~ sleddingdeer
"Recently a friend of mine was invited to a child-free wedding, and initially wasn't going to go because she has a newborn, but then the bride actually offered to pay for my friend's father to accompany her on the trip just so he could babysit."
"Now, that might not be feasible for everyone, but it worked out well in this case."
"My friend got to go to the wedding, the dad was thrilled to get a little free trip out of it." ~ jmajeremy
"NTA of course my baby will be above your wedding sister or not."
"Baby is still being fed predominantly milk at that point if you've even introduced solids at all and I wouldn't be comfortable flying somewhere strange and leaving the baby for that long."
"I also would not want to spend the time or money on what sounds like a self-absorbed sibling."
"Detach from my baby... please." ~ ExhaustedSilence
"Mother and baby are attached, and it's not an issue."
"It's biological for mothers to feel attached because human babies are born so vulnerable."
'We are hardwired to be protective and therefore it's difficult to leave."
"It's not just a breastfeeding thing."
'I used to go out and leave my baby home only because I could get home quickly but baby was always on my mind."
"When the baby woke up they also wanted me and me only."
"It's stressful and has nothing to do with the father's competency."
"6 months is also not a point where the baby suddenly grows independent and everyone can suddenly be free because the kid can potentially eat some solids."
"Every parent-child dynamic is different and doesn't need judgment from someone who obviously is clueless."
"OP should definitely prioritize the baby over a wedding, especially with an attitude like the bride's."
"Who knows if the marriage will last anyway?"
"Baby is there to stay. NTA." ~ Money_System1026
"NTA. Logistically you can't leave your baby for that long."
"Your sister doesn't want to make an exception, so she decides to be mad that you're respecting her decision?"
"To be honest, it's very difficult for people who haven't or don't breastfeed to understand how hard it is to be away from a 3-month-old."
"They can be cluster feeding at that age."
"Even if they are not, you'd have to figure out pumping, keeping things clean and cool, not over-pumping, and that's even if you can pump."
"Some people cannot, some babies refuse bottles, it's a whole nightmare that can have big consequences for the health of the baby and mother."
"'I'm not risking a starving or dehydrated baby or mastitis by choosing to be away from my baby for x many hours.'"
"Is a valid decision so is the bride's 'no babies.'"
"They are incompatible positions."
"I am sorry there is no good answer for this." ~ EquivalentTwo1
"Why can't you and your husband go to the town that the wedding is in, he stays close by in a hotel with the baby whilst you attend the ceremony, and then you can step out to go back to baby after the ceremony?"
"Ultimately it's up to you, but you either compromise and find a way, or you'll never hear the end of it from sister."
"NAH as I don't think anyone is in the wrong here." ~ RileysVoice
"My brother got married just after I had my second."
"She was breech so there was a planned C-section and she would've been around 5 weeks (she was actually just over 6 weeks because I went into labor)."
"When he invited me and the baby, he made it a hundred percent clear that if I felt it was too soon, or just didn't feel up to traveling with a young baby after a section, he would fully understand."
"He even offered to set up a Zoom feed on the day so we could still witness it."
"Luckily it all went smoothly and we booked a house to stay in for a week with my parents so that I could rest before and after."
"We have a beautiful picture of my brother holding his newest niece and beaming."
"NTA. Sister is entirely welcome to decide to exclude family members from her wedding."
"She does not get to demand that other members attend." ~ Panda_moon_pie
"Clear NTA at this point: 'My sister got very upset with me, saying it's her special day, and she feels like I'm putting our baby above her wedding.'"
"Of course you are."
"That's absolutely the right order of things."
"Baby comes before sisters and weddings always. Silly sister." ~ fairiestoldmeto
"NTA. Your baby is literally more important to you than her wedding."
"You're the baby's mother and the baby can't even hold its neck up LMAO."
"It would be very messed up if your sister's wedding was more important than your newborn."
"She created these conditions."
"She can't be mad about it now." ~ SaveBandit987654321
"NTA. Every wedding planning forum on the planet will warn you, that if you say childfree that's fine but you gotta be okay with people declining the invite over it."
"Your sister made her choice."
"She can suck it up." ~ CenterofChaos
"NTA. OF COURSE, YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR NEWBORN BABY ABOVE HER WEDDING!!"
"On the bright side, if you don't attend her wedding, you don't have to get her a gift. LOL." ~ Maximum-Swan-1009
Well, OP, Reddit is with you here.
You're putting your baby first.
There are several options and your sister is making it impossible for you.
Hopefully, she'll come around.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp