Children grow up and flee… well, leave the nest, that is.
That is the circle of life, right?
Even if it’s true, that doesn’t mean every parent has to be happy about it.
There is always going to be some turmoil when kids start to build their own lives.
Case in point…
Redditor aitadaughtermoving wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA For Telling My Daughter She Can’t Move 1,000+ Miles Away To Live With Her Girlfriend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A friend at work pointed me to this to get some more advice/points of view on my situation.”
“I (46 F[emale]) am the mother to two wonderful children, Andrew (16 M[ale]) and Nicole (21 F).”
“Nicole was very bright as a child and excelled in her classes, and she headed into college with a plan to get a Master’s at least.”
“I never had to worry about her doing well or hitting milestones, but the last few years have been very surprising.”
“She became a bit withdrawn in her teen years, more so than I realized until now.”
“And after her first year of college, she suddenly moved out from a relative’s home and got her own apartment.”
“Then, after her second year of college (last May), she told me and her father (58 M) that she was dropping out and might return in a year, but wasn’t sure.”
“And that she was incredibly stressed and depressed and had been for years.”
This caught the OP unaware.
“It felt like it was coming out of nowhere.”
“Last fall, she got a full-time job and started talking about how she was happy and finally in a good routine and that she loved working.”
“I was glad things were at least going well for her now, but still hoping she’d return to college soon.”
“One of the biggest recent bombshells she dropped on me, though, was a month ago when I drove to visit her.”
“We went out for lunch, and we started talking about this friend (25 F) of hers.”
The surprises kept coming.
“Eventually, my daughter admitted to me that she was a lesbian and that she and this girl had been dating since January.”
“And that she FLEW TO MEET HER WITHOUT TELLING ME OR HER FATHER!”
“Mind you, she flew over 1,000 miles to see this girl that she had NEVER MET and had only called and video chatted with for a few months.”
“I was shocked and angry, but all I did was gently scold her for not telling me, but that I’m glad she’s okay and that she had a good time with her girlfriend.”
“I’m very new to this whole thing with my daughter, as I thought she was interested in men.”
“But I’m willing to support her because I love her.”
“The problem now is that she told me earlier this week that she intends to move within the next year and a half.”
“She says it may be sooner rather than later because things are changing with her girlfriend’s living situation, and she wanted to give me a heads-up.”
The OP put her foot down.
“I told her absolutely not, that she can’t move in with someone she’s only been dating for a couple of months, especially not when she’s moving several states away.”
“All of her family is HERE, including me and her father and her brother, and her three living grandparents.”
“I told her she’s too young, and she can’t move that far away from us just for a girl.”
“She told me that regardless of her girlfriend, she’s been wanting to move far away for years and that her girlfriend’s state was on a list of potential places.”
“She said she loved being there when she visited and can’t wait to go back.”
“She says I’m being unreasonable by asking her to stay and that she hates it here and feels like she ‘can’t be herself.'”
“I don’t think she’s old enough or mature enough to leave.”
The OP was left to wonder.
“Am I being the a-hole here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. It seems like you don’t know much about your daughter’s personal life.”
‘And that’s okay because she doesn’t need to share. She’s not a teen living under your roof.”
“The more you butt in and tell her what she can and can’t do as an adult, the less you’re going to see her.”
“Have you considered that the reason she wants to leave at all is to get away from the restraints of her hometown and family?” ~ radstarr
“OP completely omits from their post that they were an addict their daughter’s entire childhood and the daughter was removed from her care for all but four years of said childhood.”
“And she was an addict for those four years also.”
“OP is absolutely unremorseful about this and omitted this critical context for obvious reasons.” ~ imothro
“That explains the comment about moving out of a relative’s house.”
“Couldn’t figure out why she’d be at a random relative.”
“To put her kid through that and then have the audacity to try to enforce rules after her daughter is already grown.”
“YTA OP. Sounds like your daughter is doing just fine in spite of you, not because of you.” ~ Muted-Appeal-823
“YTA, regardless of any addiction problems or your daughter not living with you.”
“Even if you were the perfect mother and she had the nicest childhood ever, you are still the a-hole because she is an adult and can live where she likes with who she likes.”
“You have no right to say she can’t.” ~ Smokedlotus
“Exactly, YTA. Your daughter is 21 and self-supporting.”
“She’s an adult.”
“Whether she is moving because of a job, a guy, a girl, or because she stuck a pin in a map.”
“You have 0 say in what she does.”
“She isn’t a child; you can’t forbid her to move.”
“And F[or] Y[our] I[information] (as someone who moved 200 miles away at 21), if you want to make the mistake of thinking you have a say in this, or you can sulk about it or think phone lines only operate one way the only person that will suffer over time is you.”
“Your daughter will move on, and she’ll make her own life whether it is with the current girlfriend or not.”
“And if you choose to stay behind, you’ll get left behind.” ~ twinmom2298
“I moved 3000 miles away for graduate school at 21.”
“Thing is, my parents understood that this was my desired trajectory.”
“They chose to have my back.”
‘My father helped me out with the down payment for an apartment so I would have a place to live upon landing, I rented a car, and I was out.”
“I would have gone anyway.”
“Things would have just been REALLY tight at first.”
“But because my parents are supportive parents, and they had the capability to help, they chose to make it easier for me.”
“It’s been nearly 17 years.”
“I established a life elsewhere. And I love my life.”
“While they wished I, an only child, had stayed near, I always had an itch to make my own path.”
“My parents are now thinking about retiring here, near me and my husband.”
“I would love them next to me. Why?”
“Because they supported my independent spirit.”
“I never forgot their support as I stumbled into my adult self.”
“OP, you have a choice.”
“Support your child, even if it isn’t your desire, or decry their choice and risk losing them forever.”
“I would also ask yourself if this is really about your fear that, given you missed out on so much of your daughter’s childhood, you won’t get the chance to build a relationship if she leaves.”
“Be honest with yourself.”
“If it is, I assure you, your support will go a lot farther than clinging to your selfish desires.”
“YTA, just in case it wasn’t clear.” ~ kajamae
“It’s one thing to gently discuss the realities of moving across the country to live with a partner you don’t know that well, with your fairly young adult child.”
“It’s a whole other thing to ‘forbid’ them from moving out of state because you want them to stay with you.”
“OP is within her rights to worry about her daughter – even if she was a terrible mother.”
“But her worries do not trump her self-sufficient daughter’s desire to move away. YTA.” ~ Aggressive_Pass845
“YTA. She is an adult and is financially independent (for the most part).”
“As much as you don’t want to see her get hurt and have the best intentions… you can’t control her life anymore.”
“This is where you have to cede control and pray that you did enough as a parent to help her navigate through adulthood.”
“What she needs is support, not someone telling her what to do.” ~ AlwaysandForeverRed
OP returned with a few updates…
“Because someone asked- my daughter didn’t ask for money.”
“She almost never asks for money; she’s like her father in that way.”
“She’s almost completely financially independent.”
“I have her on my health/dental insurance to help her out.”
“My mother pays her monthly phone plan because she insisted on doing something for my daughter, and my daughter’s grandfather on her father’s side pays her car insurance.”
“And my daughter goes to her father when she has car troubles because he has a lot of experience with cars.”
“My daughter takes care of all her other needs on her own.”
“My child’s father is NOT my husband.”
“We never married.”
“We have not been together since she was born.”
“I would have left him earlier had I not become pregnant.”
“I regret being involved with him because he is why I was introduced and became addicted to drugs.”
“I do not regret my daughter. “
“Please stop calling me a homophobe.”
“I support my daughter.”
“I am just apparently ignorant to some things about being gay.”
“I am no longer talking about or answering questions about my addiction.”
“Most of you are making baseless assumptions and disgusting accusations, and I won’t entertain them.”
“I tried my best to be a good mother and get clean. That’s that.”
“I may not have been the best person to have custody of her as a child, but neither was her actively abusive father who stalked, abused, manipulated, and intimidated me the entire time I’ve known him.”
“I can’t keep up with the comments.”
“I’ve also been banned from commenting because I apparently broke a rule.”
“I’m going to try to talk to my daughter about all of this when I see her this weekend.”
“I want to be a part of her life even if I think she’s moving in the wrong direction.”
Well, OP, Reddit has some major issues with your actions.
You want to be a good mother. That is obvious.
Perhaps some family therapy may be in order before your daughter moves away.
Good luck.