Every relationship is unique.
The circumstances of their lives, the various idiosyncracies that everyone involved has, not to mention how they all relate to one another.
So, it can be difficult to judge another perosn’s relationship by the standards to which you hold your own.
What happens, then, when someone tries to do just that?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) question18282 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my friend her wife doesn’t wear her wedding ring at work?”
OP began with a quick bit of history.
“I’ve (33F) been friends with Charlotte (33F) since we were little girls.”
“Despite being close to her and her daughter (5F), I don’t really see her wife Avery (35F) much.”
“She doesn’t get along with most of our friends with Charlotte and is a private person which is extremely fine.”
“Avery is a Cardiologist.”
She explained how this all came about.
“My Mother in law’s sister is sick and I asked Charlotte if she could arrange an appointment for us from her wife.”
“She called and said she had arranged it. I decided to accompany my MIL and her sister to the office.”
“It all went well but I noticed Avery did not have her wedding ring on.”
“During the whole visit, she did not even mention Charlotte until I said something.”
“And everyone addressed her as Dr while the other times she insisted on Mrs.”
Suspicious… very suspicious.
“It was kind of weird to me because she always has worn it when I’ve seen her. (Actually, the few times we were out, Avery always wore her ring and acted like it was very important to her).”
“I don’t know what was going on, but I thought, as her good friend, I should mention this to Charlotte.”
“The next time I met up with her, I said I had noticed that Avery was not wearing her wedding ring at her office.”
“She laughed and asked me what I was getting at, and I said I just wanted to mention what I had seen, and I didn’t mean anything.”
“Charlotte said Avery is a very ‘by the book’ person and never wears any jewelry in her office or at the hospital.”
“I apologized and only said I thought it was weird that she didn’t wear it and didn’t mention anything about her wife despite knowing who I was.”
“Charlotte told me she just explained and that I needed to let it go. I let it go, but she is still clearly upset.”
OP was left to wonder,
“My other friends told me I should not have mentioned it and I should apologize to Charlotte. I still smell something fishy going on, but I don’t know.”
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some were confused by OP’s actual issue.
“YTA”
“So your issue is that she didn’t bring up her personal life at work and complies with well-known recommendations that rings interfere with medically appropriate hand washing protocol?” ~ madelinegumbo
“And against any medical practice policies that you wouldn’t be horrified to go to.”
“Even most fast food restaurants say you can’t wear a ring if it’ll risk tearing your gloves, yet OP thinks a cardiologist should have worse hygiene than a Burger King.” ~ MagicCarpet5846
“YTA”
“A lot of people in medical fields don’t wear their wedding rings to work. And why would she bring up her wife at your MILs appointment? It’s a cardiology appointment, not a social call.”
“None of this is remotely weird except your behavior in this situation.” ~ strikingfirefly
“YTA.”
“Lots of people don’t wear their rings to work in the medical field.”
“It tears through gloves. They might be doing procedures, etc., it means literally nothing.”
“As far as not bringing YOUR friend up to your MIL… why would she??”
“She wasn’t there to chit-chat with you.”
“You were irrelevant to the whole visit, actually.”
“Some patients prefer the doctor to assess and talk about THEM when they’re paying for their time, not their daughter in laws friend.”
“Also, I’m always cautious to mention if I know someone related to the patient.”
“I’ve found that sometimes it can make some patients concerned about whether or not their info is going to be shared with their friend, even if it’s just a casual “Oh I saw so and so in the ER today.”’
“Obviously, I’m not going to do that, but a patient doesn’t necessarily know me well enough to trust me or feel comfortable in that aspect, so why would I even broach the topic?” ~ snarkcentral124
Others pointed out the practicalities of it all.
“A lot of people in a lot of fields don’t/can’t wear jewelry for safety, hygiene, or other practical purposes.”
“Medical, electrical, mechanical, anyone that works with their hands has to protect themselves.”
“I once saw a guy demo an induction heat dent removal device that made his wedding ring glow.”
“If you work with mechanical equipment, rings get caught where uncovered digits won’t.”
“Even slipping with a hammer while roofing cal causes a finger to swell up, and the choice is to cut the ring or lose the finger.”
“At 33 years old, I’m surprised you’ve never encountered anyone who doesn’t wear a wedding ring because of work.”
“And don’t google degloving.” ~ Various_Froyo9860
“In addition to this, I could see LGBTQ individuals not want to broadcast they have an SO and field questions, depending on how out/safe they are.”
“Judging by how OP describes their relationship, I don’t believe she is in any position to know how out Avery is at work.” ~ esaeklsg
“Seconding this! Or she may be out at work and not want to get into her relationship status with patients!”
“There are so many reasons she may not be wearing a ring, and they are all nobody else’s business” ~ BellesThumbs
“Queer people are still very much at risk for discrimination.”
“Some might not want to flaunt their relationship status out of fear of being harassed or worse – and that’s ignoring the professional setting of the instigating encounter.” ~ jayclaw97
There were personal stories, of course.
“I am an RN, and once I took my gloves off and my ring popped into a c-diff trash can, I no longer wear my ring at work, lol” ~ Illustrious-Stick458
“My ring would snag on gloves or could come off when I take the gloves off.”
“My wife and I both work in the hospital. She works in surgery with cautery tools, so it is not safe to wear rings. We both wear ours outside work but never at work.”
“OP is weird. You can’t wear wedding rings everywhere.” ~ Not-A-SoggyBagel
“I work in a lab setting, not medical, but I wear gloves and get dirty constantly. Rings and other jewelry are just annoying when you’re washing your hands 30+ times per day.” ~ maximumhippo
“I once swapped primary care providers because my former doctor talked soo much about her personal life that it felt severely unprofessional.”
“It actually seemed to interfere with receiving proper care because she would cut me off to talk about something super irrelevant. Really strange to want that in a doctor.”
“It really does seem like you had no positive intentions here, OP — hopefully you’re oblivious — YTA” ~ pierceisstreetsahead
“YTA.”
“Nurse here, there’s a universal understanding in health care that you are to be ‘bare below the elbow’ that includes wedding rings, watches, bracelets, etc.”
“It’s infection control first and foremost, plus it also lowers the risk of unintentional harm coming to patients from said rings, watches, etc.”
“As to her not mentioning her wife to you, it’s extremely unprofessional during a consultation to bring up personal life whether you know the person or not.”
“She was just doing her job trying to remain professional about it, and your immediate thought was to turn to the worst-case scenario and run to your friend like it was some juicy gossip piece???”
“That’s odd.” ~ lil_squish6
Not everyone saw OP as the villain here.
“NTA.”
“These are very common friend questions.”
“I’m guessing by the book; Charlotte means Avery is A H.”
“She certainly sounds like one of those pretentious Drs, and Charlotte defends because of the paycheck.”
“If you can’t ask your friend a common question without her getting defensive and butthurt, do you really want to be friends?”
“Not to mention, a simple Google search shows that most hospitals don’t have jewelry regulations. Especially an oncologist who isn’t a surgeon.” ~ Infamous_Ad_6469
“NTA”
“You were trying to be a good friend, but Charlotte is right. Now you have to let it go.”
“I don’t think you had/have to apologize tbh, but then again, I don’t know the tone with which you gave the news.”
“Charlotte seems to have taken it badly, so maybe reflect on HOW you said it to her and maybe if there were other instances you may have come over as ‘I don’t like your wife.'” ~ Severe_Band4297
Judging other relationships can be difficult even when you believe you have all the relevant information.
Often, it’s better not to try.