Finances can be a contentious issue for many couples.
Whether it’s struggling to pay bills or saving to obtain long term financial goals, many partners find themselves at odds and wanting different things. When the conflict boils over though it can get serious.
One Redditor by the name of throwaway05232021a found themselves home alone after a money conflict led to their wife leaving the house.
“AITA for taking away my wife’s access to our money?”
The OP (Original Poster) explained the financial issue:
“I have been married to my wife, Ashley, for 7 years. I am the only one that works. Ashley spends her time volunteering at a charity she started. I am fine with this as I make enough for both of us.”
“In financial decisions we have equal say. I will admit that I am the numbers nerd of the relationship – so I do the budget and handle our investments.”
“My wife has equal input into the budget – we both have to agree on it. Like many people we are saving for retirement and a couple of other financial goals.”
“Ashley’s sister and her family are going through a lot of financial issues at the moment. My BIL lost his job and my SIL is reaching out to my wife for help. They are asking for us to cover their monthly expenses.”
“I said no – while we have some discretionary money, we don’t have that much. Both my wife and I get ‘fun money’ to spend however we wish each month. I told my wife that I would match whatever amount of her fun money she wants to give her sister from my fun money.”
“My wife doesn’t want to do that – she says that won’t be enough money. She wants us to reduce the amount we are saving each month to help her sister. I refused. I do not want to jeopardize my family’s future for her sister’s present.”
“Ashley was very unhappy with my answer, but I refused to change my mind. I found out last week that my wife gave her sister money out of our general savings account. I was furious – to me this is a complete betrayal of trust.”
“I confronted her and her reply was that I ‘forced her to go behind my back by being unreasonable’. I was angry – I ended up going to the bank and opening up new accounts in my name only. I moved the balances to my new accounts.”
“I left in enough money for the expenses that she typically pays according to our budget (things like groceries, her gas, etc) as well as her fun money. I did not leave her without access to any money.”
“I did leave her with access only to money that she is supposed to spend according to the budget we both agreed to. I went home and told her what I had done. She is accusing me of financially abusing her.”
“I pointed out that she is the one that abused my trust, not the other way around. That is it is on her to prove to me that she is worthy of my trust because after what she did, I don’t trust her anymore. She said if that was the case, she should just leave.”
“That she wasn’t going to be treated as a child. I told her to leave then because I wasn’t going to give her the opportunity to steal from me again when it is clear she isn’t even sorry for what she did. She left to stay with her sister.”
“I believe I am completely justified for what I have done. She is the one that broke our agreement. Did I take it too far though?”
“This was the first time she ever did anything like this. Did I let anger get the best of me?”
“AITA for taking away her access to the money?”
Redditors were asked to judge OP’s response by deciding:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors reached a consensus declaring they were NTA.
“NTA. You both had an agreement, and she broke it.”
“That’s not financial abuse, especially since you didn’t take any more than what she would normally get after paying bills. Plus, it’s not like you force her to stay home against her will or to do charity instead of something that pays.”~Idontcare100989
“NTA- your budget/savings is spent money. She could have spent her fun money, she could have suggested advancing her fun money for a year and giving that to her sister.”
“You can’t afford to carry two households! You staunched the hemorrhage- who knows how long this would go on? Your always a critical illness away from using your savings.”~Capable_Ad_976
“NTA, but cutting off her access isn’t a good long-term solution to the problem. You and your wife need to find a good counselor to help you work through this and rebuild trust in your relationship.”~soap—poisoning
“NTA. Financial abuse doesn’t typically involve giving someone ‘fun money’.”
“Your wife showed an utter lack of respect by going behind your back and using shared money to give her sister when you expressly were against it. Maybe suggest your wife get a job if she wants to give her sister money.”
“I thought your compromise was nice actually. You didn’t have to offer to match it.”~USAF_Retired2017
“Forced her to go behind your back huh? If you asked her for an open marriage, she said no, and you went ahead and started dating would that same logic apply?”
“I mean she said no, so she forced you to go behind her back. That’s one of the poorest excuses I have ever heard, and the exact opposite of how things work. Touch of entitlement. NTA”~deerpacolyps
This couple has a lot to work out from finances to differing priorities, wishing them both the best.