Secrets always have a way of exploding.
It is only a matter of time.
Especially when more than one person knows the truth.
Then it's all too easy for the secret to unravel.
When, where, and how the truth happens really plays a major role in the fallout.
Case in point...
Redditor That_Technician_9244 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for walking out of a wedding I was a part of and 'ruining' the day?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I dated my ex-boyfriend 'John' for four years, and got serious enough where we started planning for our future (wedding, kids, etc.)"
"I thought we were pretty happy, but last year he dumped me pretty suddenly."
"I tried to figure out what went wrong, but he said it was 'personal' and that I should respect his space."
"During this time, my best friend 'Stacy' and her fiancé 'Tom' were my rocks, letting me crash at their place and just being overwhelmingly supportive and loving."
"When Stacy asked me to be her M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor], I thought it was a no-brainer and happily took on the task."
"Fast forward to what happened this weekend: the morning of the wedding, Tom asked me to meet him for breakfast super early in the AM before all of the festivities."
"I thought it was weird but assumed he maybe wanted me to pass something on to Stacy."
"What happened instead was that Tom let me know that a few days prior, Stacy admitted to him that she had an affair with John, which was what led to my breakup."
"He said that Stacy wanted to come clean to 'start their marriage fresh' and that he was forgiving her to move forward."
"He had gone back and forth between telling me and finally decided to spill the beans."
"I guess he had expected me to forgive Stacy too because the affair was 'so long ago.'"
"The opposite pretty much happened, and I just walked out on the wedding."
"It ended up causing a huge mess because I was basically running the whole show (Stacy made me do everything, so she didn't even know what was happening at certain times or who to call)."
"Not only that, but everyone realized that the MOH wasn't there (she had headshots and bios of the party on her wedding page), and news of the affair eventually got out because her cousin knew John."
"Stacy and Tom have both been slandering me online now, saying that I ruined their once-in-a-lifetime moment."
"Some of their friends are on their side, saying that I should have handled the situation more privately and at least stuck out the wedding since it was so last minute."
"I personally don't know what Tom expected."
"But either way, I've been getting bombarded with texts, and I heard that Stacy has been so upset she's had to take time off work, which does make me feel like an AH."
"Especially since I've just been ignoring her calls."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Hard NTA on this one."
"Was walking out of the wedding the day of a nice thing to do?"
"Not particularly."
"But what on Earth did they expect would happen by telling you?"
"And on the wedding day."
"They knew they were playing with fire."
"They chose when to tell you this information."
"Simply walking out - because whoa, nelly, I bet there were a ton of conflicting emotions - was pretty adult."
"You didn't cause a huge scene."
"You simply extricated yourself from the situation. NTA." ~ ironchef8000
"I would have pretended to forgive her and then given a hell of a MOH speech, but I'm petty like that." ~ Kashaya72
"Nope, I'm petty enough to do it before the ceremony starts, so she would be staying with an ugly-cry-face in the church (if they married there)."
"And all the guests would know why. NTA." ~ Responsible_Judge007
"Oh, what she did was better. Her way the whole day imploded, as it should have. NTA."
"The whole day was ruined because Stacey is a cheat and Tom is pathetic."
"Why would you marry a cheat?"
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."
"And to cheat with your 'best friend's B[oy]F[riend]?'"
"And then let her move in. She watches her grieve like they did nothing to cause the pain."
"And the audacity of the both of them going after OP."
"They are embarrassed that people now know Stacey is a cheater and Tom is the pathetic loser who has no self-respect." ~ Mmoct
"Stacey's the one to blame, but also WTF did Tom think was going to happen?"
"He spent months seeing first-hand the level of soul-destroying despair John's sudden, inexplicable break-up had caused her."
"It took him days to process the affair and decide how to move forward, but he gave her a few minutes to recover from the news that her best friend fu**ed her boyfriend and destroyed her life."
"Then he expected her to smile, work her a** off to make the wedding happen as Stacey wanted, then toast to the wonderful couple?"
"Nobody's that big an idiot."
"He knew she wasn't sticking around for the wedding."
"The only question was if she was going to have a public fight with the bride-to-be before she left." ~ GullibleWineBar
"I'm betting he knew exactly what would happen and did this on purpose."
"My guess is he is not so forgiving, and canceling the wedding last minute would be all too much."
"So let the cat out of the bag and watch the fun begin."
"Frankly, if I was getting married and told last minute about cheating, I'd do something similar if I thought of it."
"Or just make one hell of a speech and get it nullified the day after."
"Or after the honeymoon, after shagging the crap out of the cheat and leaving her feeling a tiny bit of the betrayal she made me feel."
"Who in their right mind would have thought it would be swept under the rug?"
"At least now the guy starts the marriage with a huge argument winner."
"Any time he does anything wrong can just refer to the cheating."
"But that'll be a very unhealthy marriage." ~ SteveJobsPenis
"Worst still, this fake AF friend asked her to be MOH then piled on so much work, knowing all the while she'd devastated her and didn't care!"
"And what the hell with Tom marrying her?"
"Then him getting cheeky because OP rightfully blew up by walking out?"
"Where the hell is his compassion?"
"And her friends taking her side?"
"OMG, all of them are nutters."
"You did handle it privately. You left."
"Why the hell should you suck it up for the nasty two-faced cuckolding piece of work for appearances?"
"I would go nuclear and blast on social media tagging the two-faced ex Bestie."
"She sounds pretty narcissistic to think all water under the bridge when she didn't even tell OP."
"So revolting John couldn't even come clean either."
"He deserves a good tongue-lashing."
"Soooo NTA. I hope you're okay OP." ~ sikonat
"Spot on! OP walked away quietly and calmly without making any scene."
"Stacy and Tom ought to apologize and be ashamed."
"Stacy for the affair with OP then partner John and both of them for the calculated way in which they told OP."
"If they didn't even know what was happening when at their own wedding, that just shows them up."
"Very hard and strong NTA." ~ Littlevoice13x
"NTA I agree."
"Tom chose to tell OP and she has every right to react as she did."
"If anything, Tom is even more guilty for what's down, in my opinion, because of his timing."
"He could've waited until after the wedding to tell OP."
"And I won't even say what I'm thinking about the ex-best friend, as that would get me banned from this sub." ~ mysteriousrev
"NTA. Also, while it's lovely to have a maid of honor, she's not a hired wedding planner."
"The couple themselves should have known each and every detail of their own wedding... It's their day!"
"If she'd fallen ill, gotten hurt, had an accident, or was unavailable etc."
"It still would have gone sideways, all because the couple didn't bother to know what was happening on their own day."
"That's not OP's fault."
"That's on the couple, and if it was a hotel, they should have had a single contact at the location who coordinates everything for staff and timings to feed questions to." ~ Sirix_8472
"So wait. Your BEST friend has an affair with your then fiancé."
"He breaks up with you over it, canceling your happily ever after."
"She asks you to be her MOH, but everyone is upset with you because you found out she slept with YOUR fiancé and you can't suck it up for a few hours to make HER day great to start her happily ever after. NTA." ~ Sashasez
"I had a similar thing happen."
"A friend (F[emale]) of my then boyfriend, let's call her B, was the one who warned me about him talking frequently with a girl over the phone and insisted I checked his Facebook account."
"That's how I found he was cheating on me."
"B and her husband were my rock during the following months after our breakup."
"They would insist I stayed with them at their apartment, invite me to eat out, take me on their trips."
"But also tried to make me drunk enough to you-know-what."
"That last thing, and many others (like her later cheating with the husband's best friend), made me distance myself from them."
"Fast-forward to like 5 years, I see I have a message request on Facebook."
"It was the woman with whom my ex had cheated."
"She had sent me (months ago) a bone-chilling voice message in which she told me that 'she was not the only one he cheated with,' and that he and B had been together many times during our relationship."
"With psycho laughs and all, she said he had just cheated on her with B and that they broke up."
"I contacted B's husband and told him everything."
"Turns out he already suspected they had been together all those years ago, and more recently B had cheated on him (again) with my ex and with a new guy."
"It was the darkest moment of my life."
"And I still can't believe I experienced all that, much less that B was so kind to me when she was also helping my ex cheat on me."
"It's even creepier when I remember that when I stayed at hers after the breakup, she dyed her hair like mine and bought the same sweater I used so we looked like 'sisters.'"
"OP is totally NTA. Good for her." ~ Anais-95
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You were wronged and betrayed.
You had every right to be angry.
You exited with grace and dignity when you could've gone nuclear.
Keep your head held high.
And move forward.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.