Content Warning: Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Coercion
As much as we all might like to believe in happily ever afters and the ability for every relationship to work out, sometimes people are better off breaking up.
This is especially true when one person is made to feel uncomfortable in the relationship just to make the other person happy, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA-247 was engaged and discussing the business and money aspects of a prenuptial agreement with her future husband, but because of his history of a failed marriage and a “dead bedroom,” he also demanded that they include sexual frequency in their agreement.
Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if this was the relationship for her.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for digging in my heels about sex in a prenup?”
The OP was uncomfortable with the prenuptial agreement her boyfriend wanted.
“I honestly can’t believe I’m asking this, but my boyfriend has gotten so mad that I’m feeling a little crazy now.”
“Both 34, he had a terrible marriage before me that ended in a dead bedroom, and he’s determined to never go back to that life again. Understood, I think that sucked for him to experience.”
“So now he wants a prenup and literally write in the prenup that we will have sex X amount of times a week, or else I get absolutely nothing in the divorce.”
The pair could not come to an agreement.
“I had already agreed to a 50/50 prenup of marital assets, and we keep what we came into the marriage with.”
“Now that’s not enough for him. He wants me to ‘prove’ that I won’t stop having sex with him in the future.”
“I tell him I can’t prove the future, and putting something in writing doesn’t prove that.”
“Now he says I must have a guilty conscience if I won’t sign these terms because if I’m so certain it won’t happen, then what’s the problem?”
“But to me, it makes me feel like a sex slave and not a loved wife or partner.”
“AITA?”
On her burner account, the OP previously posted in the “AskMenRelationships” subReddit one other incident with her future husband, which also regarded sex and submissiveness in their relationship.
The OP explained that her partner became angry “if [she] ever said anything that wasn’t 100 percent praising him,” and they later broke up.
The OP wrote:
“My (34 Female) boyfriend (34 Male) has a history with a previous marriage where he was sexually neglected to the point it’s a genuine trauma now. Since then, he’s pursued submissive women and almost exclusively open relationships or FWB (Friends with Benefits) so he feels in control of getting sex. If one woman wasn’t in the mood or available, he had others he could reach out to.”
“When we met, I made it clear I only date in monogamous relationships. He pursued me and ended things with everyone else because he found an emotional connection with me he didn’t have with his FWBs.”
The OP was concerned about their compatibility.
“I have asked him if he can be happy with me when I’m not a submissive woman. I have a career where the women he dated and his previous wife didn’t work, he provided everything. I make significantly more money than him, which he has mentioned several times bothers him.”
“Yet when I ask if he can truly be happy with me, he tells me it’s nice not to have the weight of having to provide solely on his shoulders, it’s nice to have a woman that’s so intelligent, someone with drive and ambition, and that he absolutely fell in love with how I put myself through graduate school and have accomplished everything on my own.”
“Yet, we have arguments all the time if I ever say anything that isn’t 100% praising him.”
The little instances were adding up quickly.
“On Monday, I told him I wanted salad for dinner, he made soup full of carbs, and it was delicious, and I praised him for how delicious it was and left it at that.”
“On Tuesday, he made burritos; I ate one and told him it was really good (it was), but that I’m dieting and it’s not on my diet.”
“It’s been days, and he won’t look at me because he says I told him that he was wrong in cooking for me (I never did, and have told him at least two dozen times, no exaggeration, since then that I don’t think he’s wrong) and rejected his act of service for me, and am guilting him because I reminded him that I’ve been telling him for four months that I’m dieting.”
The OP began to question their relationship.
“I’m starting to lose hope here. He’s now upset because we aren’t having sex (it’s been four days), but we aren’t having sex because he won’t even look at me.”
“He says he wants me to initiate it when he’s mad to get him out of the funk, but the last time he was mad at me, I got on top of him… he refused because he was mad at me.”
“So this relationship is lose-lose situation, I guess.”
It resulted in the end of their relationship for the time being.
“Update: we broke up. He kept asking for sexual things that he knew I was semi-uncomfortable with, but I agreed to try.”
“Then he insisted he should be able to have sex with me even at 2:00 AM if he wakes up horny, even if I’m asleep. When I said no, he said it won’t work out because he won’t be made to feel guilty because he got horny in the middle of the night.”
“I told him that wanting my basic needs met, like sleeping, is not guilting him, and I’m done as well.”
Since that post, they must have gotten back together, resulting in this latest prenuptial disagreement.
Fellow Redditors frequently referred to both of these incidents in their comments.
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some came up with countless reasons why their sex life would change over time.
“Ask him what happens if one of you falls sick? If he pulls his back, does he really want you jumping on him screaming, ‘I can’t afford to fail the prenup’…?” – JosKarith
“I’m pregnant right now, and my husband won’t touch me because of how much pelvic pain I have. I try, but neither of us is very enthusiastic. You never know what life is going to hand you.” – Majestic_Lady910
“Just start adding stupid s**t to it, since the relationship is already over. He values sex more than he does consent and your mental health.”
“If you go through menopause or get depressed or ill, he isn’t going to give a f**k.” – Abstractteapot
“This is crazy. I would also ask what happens if he gets prostate cancer and can no longer perform after surgery? Does that mean he gets nothing?”
“The guy needs counseling.” – Lives4Sunshine
“Have you asked him what led to a dead bedroom? I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s his fault.”
“I used to visit the sub related to this, and a lot of times, men were like, ‘I come home from work, and my wife who was working as well also cleaned the house, took care of the kids, bathed the dog, made dinner, took care of our bills, mowed the yard, did our taxes, all while I watched TV. She didn’t want to have sex with me AGAIN last night! She’s AWFUL!'” – lifeisalime11
Others were appalled that the OP agreed to marry him after the previous post.
“Is this the boyfriend you broke up with a few months ago? Because you had excellent reasons to break up with him back then and you have excellent reasons to break up again. But this time, stay broken up.” – whitecatbluebasket
“OP!!!!!! In your other post, you guys broke up 49 days ago over his stance on sex and giving you silent treatments, and now you’re here with him as your fiancé and the same issue but greater? Break up with him and make it stick this time.”
“You say in your other post that you aren’t a submissive woman, which may be true. But he is turning you into one and his punching bag. Considering how he viewed and handled women before you because of his ‘trauma’ from not getting enough, he will cheat on you.”
“Have some self-respect and perseverance and cut this crazy guy out of your life.” – IDontEvenCareBear
“I think one of OP’s comments say that her fiancé wants a psychiatrist present at the time of signing to say that she’s not being coerced into signing. Except that this is 100% coercion. Show me a psychiatrist that will participate in this, and I will show you someone who should have their medical license revoked.”
“This whole situation is gross.” – BlossomCheryl
“Oh honey, I’ve been there. It sounds like (from both of your posts) that this relationship is the one that teaches you what emotional abuse is. I find it the most sinister of the abuses, honestly, as it is harder to detect and attacks your self-confidence. And this could easily escalate to physical and sexual abuse if you’re having a week where you can’t give him what you ‘agreed’ to.”
“You need to leave. You deserve so much more than him by far. A lot of what he is doing based on your posts is emotional abuse.” – sigh_le_mah
“Jes*s F**king Chr**t… he’s doing a rendition of the dance of the seven veils in all red, and you still can’t see the warning signs (red flags).”
“He is toxic. He is dangerous. He is manipulative. Traumatized people don’t get a pass to mistreat others. And while the trauma may not be his fault, it is 100% his responsibility to address it THROUGH THERAPY.”
“Maybe his misogynist @ss can go explain to some war vets how they’re gullible for using therapy to treat their PTSD and reclaim elements of their lives? I doubt he would, of course, because he’s the type who is so insecure that he insists on abusing (emotionally, at least, though I suspect more ways too) people who do their best to care for him in order to maintain a sense of control over them.”
“Denial of sex isn’t actually trauma, btw, but I agree it can hurt someone’s sense of worth. Claiming to be traumatized as a way to excuse and continue indulging in s**tty behavior, however, is a common tactic of manipulators. They find people who care, abuse them, and then convince them they’re somehow in the wrong to disagree with the abuse.”
“Girl. Get. Out.” – whorunsgraphs
The subReddit was endlessly appalled over this situation and concerned for the OP’s well-being in every sense of the word.
She clearly needed to get out and find someone who valued her as a whole partner, not just as someone for a specific form of entertainment a predetermined number of times per week.