We’ve all had a job at some point that we really cared about and wanted to do what we could to help ourselves get ahead.
But sometimes other important things in our lives get left by the wayside, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor MiserableTour1974 was excited to attend a charity event for the second year in a row, and his fiancée was looking forward to attending with him.
But when his boss showed interest in attending, the Original Poster (OP) thought it was more important to go with his boss than to take his fiancée out for the event.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for choosing to take my boss to a charity event over my fiancée?”
The OP had become close to his boss during his time at his job.
“I [25 Male] started working at my company about a year ago.”
“My boss [48 Male] and I really hit it off. So much so that he frequently visits and sleeps on the couch in our basement.”
“My fiancée [23 Female] and I have lived together for several years now and just recently built a house together, so it has plenty of space, and she doesn’t mind him staying in the basement, but they don’t interact much.”
The OP was looking forward to attending a charity event.
“Months ago, I purchased tickets for a local charity event that I had taken my fiancée to last year.”
“I did not indicate I would take her this year, but she assumed the second ticket was for her.”
“Last evening, we had a difficult code deployment that my boss and I were up quite late for. After its success, we had a nightcap, and I mentioned the charity event this weekend.”
“He mentioned he had always wanted to go, so I invited him to go under my second ticket.”
“He was elated, and I thought also this would be good for my career progression as charity is a cornerstone of the company we work for.”
The OP’s fiancée did not look at the invitation in the same way.
“I told my fiancée this morning that my boss had never been to the event and was excited to go.”
“She said that we would all have a great time as last year was so much fun.”
“I then told her that there were only two tickets and she wasn’t going.”
“Needless to say, she was p**sed. Tickets are sold out already, so I can’t just buy another.”
“I told her that she needs to be considerate of my career progression and that I can always take her again next year.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were suspicious and thought something was going on between the OP and his boss.
“Your whole relationship with your boss is weird as f**k… Why the h**l is he sleeping on the couch in your basement? Are you sure you don’t have feelings for him?”
“YTA. You should have at least discussed this with your girlfriend.” – Irish_Lady84
“Uh. You might be unknowingly in love with your boss or him with you. Why is your 48-year-old boss sleeping on your couch some nights?”
“Prioritizing your interesting relationship with your boss for the sake of your career may have negative impacts on your romantic relationship.”
“YTA. You knew she thought the second ticket was for her. Also being buddy-buddy with your boss does not mean you’ll get career advancements. It means you have a friend who happens to be your boss.” – Wickedlove7
“A 48-year-old male sleeping over regularly in the basement at his 25-year-old employee’s house? Yeah, nothing weird there at all!”
“Seriously, OP. YTA for not talking to your girlfriend first. Also, stop having your boss sleepover. That’s inappropriate and really deeply weird. There is no context under which that is normal unless y’all were friends before he became your boss.” – kiwihoney
“YTA.”
“Your relationship with your boss is crossing boundaries.”
“This poor girl needs to get out.”
“Why have you built a house and asked her to marry you when you clearly don’t love her, respect her, or view her as a human being?”
“Just be honest. You’re having at the least an emotional affair with your boss.”
“Your boss sleeping frequently on your sofa is really throwing up red flags.” – greenbunnyblue
“NTA.”
“Whilst I don’t agree with your choices, your boss is the a**hole here. He is massively taking advantage of you as you are giving him accommodation for free.”
“He has manipulated you into providing a free service, possibly on the pretense he can do great things for your career. All I see is a boss that is winning at your expense.”
“Your boss is the a**hole.” – Prestigious-Slide-73
“YTA.”
“Putting aside the weirdness that is your boss, who is 23 years older than you sleeping on your couch in the basement…”
“Your fiancée was incredibly correct in assuming that the second ticket was for her and is completely justified in her annoyance. I know my mrs would be a little annoyed if I kept inviting my boss over outside of work hours AND THEN decided to invite him to a charity event that she was obviously keen on.”
“It may be ‘good for career progression,’ but sounds like it’s damaging to your relationship.”
“So figure out what means more to you. Your job or your future wife.” – Virus217
But others could appreciate a young person wanting to get ahead in their career.
“NTA. It just seems like a miscommunication. Just apologize for the misunderstanding and ask her how’d she want you to make it up to her.” – blueivybabyhairs
“A 48 (Male) and 25 (Male) can be friends without insinuating they are secret gay lovers. Common interests that suit the privacy of a basement include using drugs, video games, sports, and fantasy sports, and also there’s mention of actual work being done at times.”
“Also, the whole world isn’t that politically correct that bosses and employees can’t be equals outside work hours. Nor is it up to OP to mention that his boss has a private reason for the frequency of visits, whether it’s marital problems, loneliness, a terminal illness, mourning a dead son, the regret of being childless, or anything else that’s personal.”
“The OP is 25 and has built a house, a big house, and has a boss who can pay a wage to support that and who obviously sees potential in him. If OP says taking the boss is a good move, it sounds like he’s got the runs on the board to make that call.”
“Plus there’s the obvious, unmentionable reason why OP is taking his like-minded male boss to a charity p**s-up instead of his fiance, and even that reason alone is sufficient. NTA.” – Clean-Pie-3342
“NTA because you never invited your fiancee, and she should be supportive of your career.”
“But your boss sleeping in your basement is a little too close for comfort.” – Tiny-Click-5536
“NTA (with conditions).”
“My take on this is that it sounds like you have a ‘work hard, play hard’ job in a lucrative industry (you built a house, with plenty of space, at 25), and you could be looking at the foundation of a really great career with an early start.”
“Right now it means your work/life balance is 99/1, but if you’re open and honest with yourself, and open and honest with your fiancee that you understand this and have a plan for how to shift the balance as you continue progressing in your career, I think you’re ok here.”
“The charity event doesn’t sound like it’s specifically related to work, but it sounds like you’ve made the calculation that it will further your partnership with your boss. I would say make use of a little of that money you’re making now and have a nice getaway planned and proposed to your fiancee BEFORE you go to the event to make it up to her.”
“I’m making a lot of assumptions. You could just be glomming on to a lonely older professional who, as he frequently sleeps on your couch, never put a plan in place to achieve a balance, and thus all he does is work. If this is what you want, go for it but don’t expect anyone else to be on board. Also, kids will be impossible (not assuming you do or don’t want kids, just saying they call them workaholics for a reason).”
“It might just be an exercise in deciding what you really want. But it’s not an omen of doom if you’re choosing to grind it out while you’re young with limited responsibilities but continually seeking the next step toward balance as you progress.”
“You also need to remember that, while in the grind, you still have to make a concerted effort to make non-work people in your life feel special, or they may not choose to stick it out with you.” – StillSundayDrunk
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“It is scary to me that this is getting so much hate. I didn’t realize how weird the situation was because it’s my first real job.”
“I did not think people would find so much issue with him staying in my basement.”
“He stays with many employees because he moved far away during the pandemic, and now we are supposed to come into the office three times per week.”
“He does stay at my place more often, I think, because I have a finished basement and nice bar, though he is supposed to be rotating through us. I am pretty sure he asked everyone. He even jokes about whose accommodations are the best and who needs to work on theirs.”
“Some people did refuse to host him, and he teases them by saying their accommodations would probably be at the bottom of the list anyway.”
“He is very strict about when people leave the office, going as far as to chase people down in the parking lot if they leave early. I wanted to get on his good side early on to avoid the same treatment.”
“I also am paying for the charity event tickets in hopes to get ahead.”
“I didn’t think my fiancée would be this upset. I might give my boss both tickets so he can take his boss, and they can represent the company together.”
“My fiancée and I will still, of course, make a donation to the charity but will go out to eat somewhere nice instead.”
The subReddit could empathize with the OP’s desire to advance quickly through his career, but they questioned at what costs he was seeing that advancement.
Some thought it was harmless enough to allow a boss to sleep in the basement while traveling for work and even to attend an event together where possible networking could be done. But if it was coming at the expense of his other relationships, perhaps without him even recognizing the insinuations, the subReddit thought it might be time to set up some new boundaries.