One would like to think that we live in a world where men aren’t expected to be the primary breadwinners inn a heterosexual relastionship.
Indeed, it’s becoming more and more common for women to earn more than their husbands and boyfriends.
Yet far too many men still feel insecure about this, and will often urge their female partners not to mention this fact in the company of friends and family.
Redditor throwaway646797 earned more than her fiancé, resulting in her putting more money down on a major investment in their lives.
So she found herself surprised, and somewhat baffled, when her fiancé made an unusual request regarding this matter, a request she flatly refused.
When her refusal wound up putting her and her fiancé at odds, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole”, where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to let my future husband lie about the house he and I purchased during his ‘groom speech’?”
The OP shared how she contributed heavily toward a major milestone in the lives of her and her fiancé, but her fiancé wanted to take all the credit for it at their wedding.
“My fiancè (37 M[ale]) and I (33 F[emale]) got engaged few months ago.”
“We’re getting married soon and invitations were already sent out.”
“Right now we’re focusing on much smaller details.”
“We’ve also been busy moving into our new home that we purchased together ,30% of his savings + 70% of mine.”
“I have to say that saving up for this house took most of my savings and prevented me from enjoying the things I love spending money on.”
“My fiancé sat me down yesterday to talk about his ‘groom speech’.”
“He talked about few points but what made me upset was when he asked if I would be okay if he mentions the house we bought and say that HE was the one who bought it.”
“I was a bit taken aback.”
“I asked why and he said it’s ‘just a confidence boost’ during the speech and that’s it.”
“I said I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea because I think that it’s unfair not to acknowledge the fact that I’d sacrificed so much to be able to buy the house.”
“I reminded him of how much I contributed but he said this doesn’t change that it’s our house so it shouldn’t matter to me if he said he bought it himself or we both did.”
“I refused because then people will always think the house was bought by him which is something that will never change no matter how hard I try to prove that I contributed 70%.”
“He got made at me and said that I was really overthinking this whole thing and making a big deal out of it.”
“We got into an argument and he started yelling saying it’s just one favor he’s asking me to do and yet, I’m making this ridiculous, small request my hill to die on.”
“He’s basically sulking and now he’s out and refusing to answer my calls so basically he’s started the silent treatment til I cave in.”
“AITA for making this my hill to die on?”
“My fiancé comes from more humble background and money has always been a struggle for him and his family.”
“It’s become obvious how insecure he can be when it comes to money, especially when he compares how much I make VS how he makes.”
“I’ve never made him feel as less than and he has never took advantage of me in any way and so his recent request really cut me off guard to say the least.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to let her fiancé lie about their house at their wedding.
Everyone was disturbed by the behavior of the OP’s fiancé, with several wondering if it was a wise idea for the OP to go on with this marriage.
“NTA and I would bet he’s been telling people that already.”- MisanthropicEgg
“Girl, I HOPE you have a prenup written up for the love of god.”- jupedya
“This is actually a pretty big deal.”
“He wants you to go along with a lie that makes him look good at your expense.”
“It’s a permanent lie, unless he plans to fess up after the wedding which I doubt.”
“It’s a lie that misrepresents the balance of your relationship.”
“Instead of partners he wants to be seen as the ‘head’.”
“Is he prepared to take on the responsibility of that position and let you spend all of your money on you while he shoulders the financial responsibility for the household?”
“Or does he want you to continue to bankroll 70% while he gets credit for 100%?”
“It reveals an ugliness in how he thinks of you and wants to present the two of you as a couple.”
“He should be proud to have a wife who earns and saves and sacrifices for your future together.”
“Instead he wants to claim your accomplishment as his own and expects you to accept whatever impact this has on how friends and family view you all to ‘boost his confidence’.”
“He is lying to you.”
“It’s not about a confidence boost.”
“It’s about him declaring his status as the head of the house and the breadwinner and doing so by belittling your contributions.”
“His response tells you clearly that he is lying.”
“He calls it a small thing, one little favor, but he goes ballistic when you say no.”
“And seriously, the silent treatment?”
“Just, no.”
“Consider your next steps carefully.”
“NTA.”- saurellia
“Am I reading this sentence correctly, he is saying it shouldn’t matter to YOU if you both bought it?”
“But it’s OK for it to matter to HIM so much that he’s going to announce it to both your families and your wider social circle at the wedding?:
“Whoo, the hypocrisy.”
“IMO this is a hill worth dying on.”
“Yes, on the surface level it’s ‘just’ words in a speech.”
“But the deeper issue is that he does not value your massive contribution to your shared life, and he wants to paint a false picture to your shared friends and family denying it.”
“He’s basically setting you up to be painted as a gold digger when he’s the one benefitting from your scrimping and saving.”
“I have a hard time believing this is the only instance of this level of disrespect in your relationship.”
“And if you ever have kids, I’m certain you can look forward to him moaning to all your friends and family that he does ‘so much work’ as a father, read: changed 1 diaper, while you actually shoulder the majority of childcare.”
“If you don’t have kids, I imagine it will be something else like that.”
“I really hope I’m wrong and this is just temporary brain worms on his part.”
“But either way, NTA.”- crockofpot
“In a divorce he will tell everyone you got the house because you are a woman, lol.”
“Ask him about how he thinks your confidence is doing by him denying you recognition for a contribution you actually did when he wants to boost himself with something he didn’t do to even 50%?”
“NTA.”
“Did he maybe already tell people like his coworkers this lie?”
“What if he acts like he gets over it but does it anyway?”- CakeEatingRabbit
“Don’t cave in, let him run the silent treatment.”
“Also rethink about marrying this guy, he’s behaving like a child.”
“NTA.”-Abundleofjoyx
“Definetely NTA.”
“I wonder what his reaction would be when you would have asked that haha.”-Equivalent_Coffee902
“NTA.”
“But I’d think twice about marrying someone who wants to lie to your friends and family for the ‘confidence boost’ and reacts by sulking, lashing out, and ignoring you when you won’t go along with it.”-Ok-Ad-9401
“I had an ex with this mindset years ago.”
“When we broke up, because he shouted at me in public and told me to be quiet in a restaurant in front of others and expected me to step back and let him speak like that, many people cut me out and I just thought, well whatever.”
“Move on head held high.”
“Years later we spoke and it turns out he;d been telling all my friends at the time that he was paying for absolutely everything, every coffee, every date, every weekend away or holiday.”
“Everything I bought him, he’d bought himself and how I’ d got the birthday gifts I wanted and then left him.”
“So they all naturally felt I’d been secretly milking him and being a leech.”
“I asked him why he’d do that when ATM, I paid for about 80%of everything we did.”
“He said but He’s the man and he couldn’t have people thinking id provided and paid for things.”
“And he definitely didn’t want to say why we’d really broken up.”
“He didn’t understand why id been hurt or why it mattered.”
“OP – run.”
“Your marriage will be a tally score card and he will lie and sulk and you will be the cash cow funding his sh*tty attitude and lies to others.”-ereComesTheSun000
It’s worrisome enough that the OP’s fiancé doesn’t appear to be grateful for all she contributed towards their house.
But that he seems to want to control her, and appear as if he’s in some sort of position of power makes the situation even worse.
Here’s hoping he might see his mistakes, and show the OP how much he appreciates all she’s done before the wedding.
Assuming the wedding is still on.