Communicating with your partner about relationship issues like sex is fundamental.
You would hope that addressing difficult topics and finding solutions together would only strengthen the bond, and if there is no progress or a willingness to work together, at least you know where the relationship stands.
But when Redditor throwRA1029374 brought up a concern to his partner about something that's been bothering him in the bedroom, some harsh words were said.
So he went to Reddit's Relationship Advice column and opened up about his predicament in the hopes of finding his happy ending.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My partner says the face I make when I climax is unattractive and doesn't like for me to 'finish' because of that."
The OP began the post by first mentioning this was a throwaway account due to his partner being aware of his main account.
"My partner is a female but prefers they/them pronouns which is reflected in this post."
"I (20 M[ale]) have been with my partner (21 F[emale]) for about two years. During this time it's been rare for me to climax during sex."
"I never made a fuss about it before because I figured my partner was just tired after their climax and didn't have the energy to help me reach mine. My fault for being slow, I suppose."
"I'd usually either suck it up and get blue balled or go off to the bathroom to finish myself off in private."
"I recently read about how relationships where both partners are happy with the sex tend to be happier in other aspects too. I decided to bite the bullet and finally bring this up to my partner. I didn't even bring it up because of selfish reasons, I brought it up to try to benefit our relationship overall."
"I casually brought up to my partner while relaxing watching TV together how I thought sex could be better if we made an effort for us both to finish every time, and how I'd read couples who have great sex tend to have happier relationships."
"At first my partner got defensive and accused me of saying they're bad in bed, which I never said."
"I tried to clarify that's not what I meant, and (frustrated now at being verbally attacked) shot back with that I feel it's unfair how I never get to finish but they always do."
"My partner basically said that I'm ugly when I climax and that's why they purposely try to finish before me so that they don't have to see it."
"Childishly, I told them they're 'o face' isn't exactly beautiful either (which I didn't really mean to be honest) and that EVERYONE pulls a face when they climax. They were adamant that they don't make any type of facial expression and that I'm just weird."
"I left and drove three hours away to a friend's house for the night."
"This was a few days ago and I'm home now but we haven't had sex since or talked about it. I'm honestly really hurt and now feel super insecure."
"I doubt I could even enjoy sex if we were to have it. How do I bring this back up without it being a fight? I'm honestly okay with not getting to climax in bed at this point but I feel like this still needs to be talked about and resolved."
"I feel like my partner just thinks I'm ugly and doesn't even want to be with me. Everything feels super tense between us too and I hate it, even though they're acting like nothing happened."
Many Redditors agreed that orgasm expressions are NOT typically portrait-worthy and that the OP deserved to be with someone who respects him—or at the very least can be mature enough to avoid the problem by simply closing their eyes.
"No one's face looks good during an orgasm, unless they're faking and getting their picture taken. We all look stupid lmao."
"Your partner is really rude and yes, when you have sex with someone, you deserve to finish too." – Supervium
"Your partner has decided that your desire for a satisfying sexual experience is less important than their desire not to see a particular expression on your face."
"I don't care if your O-face is the most ridiculous expression ever made by a human; that is some selfish bullsh*t.""
Not caring if you had good sex would be bad enough, but they are actively trying to keep you from having good sex because they don't like your face."
"I'm not sure why you'd want to continue a relationship with someone who wants you to have a bad time, when you can look for a partner who wants good times to be mutual." – NotPiffany
"I don't believe for a second this actually has anything to do with 'your face.'"
"Myself i believe it was their knee jerk reaction to project and gaslight you. This is a much bigger issue then just a simple orgasm face, this is a lack of respect, selfishness and immaturity on their part."
"OP you need to stand up for your wants as you 100% should not be leaving a room to finish, if your partner has a issue then to bad thats their issue!"
"Ps when 2 people love each other giving each other an orgasm should be just as if not more important then getting one, because its about pleasing each other out of love!"
"Edit to add another point."
"You should never blame yourself for taking to long to orgasm...your comment shows this relationship or sex that you are having in this relationship is hurting your self esteem and that is never ok and you deserve soooo much better!" – sofiasofa
"This was mean as hell of them. Basically everyone looks a bit ridiculous when they climax! Sex is messy and weird and occasionally funny!"
"Dude you deserve a partner who cares more about your pleasure and wellbeing then what you look like at a vulnerable moment. Do some hard thinking about this relationship. This seems like a red flag to me." – AngelusLorelei
Those who "finish" first offered their perspective and thought the OP's partner was being selfish.
"I'm a woman. I often finish before my fiance."
"I love when he finishes because it means the sex we've had was damn good, and we both had a great time. I don't care what he looks like in those few seconds of release, and it's sh**ty that your partner apparently does."
"If that's a mark of her personality, it reeks of selfishness and harshness. You deserve someone who won't make you feel bad for something that should be really good." – Elli_Khoraz
"I often finish first and sometimes I don't have the energy to help my husband finish. So I cuddle up to him and kiss him and such until he finishes himself. I would never expect him to go away and do it somewhere else like he should be ashamed of himself."
"OP, your partner sounds A) selfish and B) immature. Everybody makes a face during an orgasm. Sure, sometimes my husband makes a weird one, or it looks kinda funny, but I'm sure I do as well."
"If my partner didn't make any face or anything, I would be worried that something is wrong. And you both should be happy with your sex life and is worrying that they don't care about that." – irian9
This Redditor gave a sobering observation about the relationship.
"Alright, OP, I'm going to have to break it to you. Your relationship is not 'okay outside of this issue.' Relationships aren't like that, problems aren't divided like that."
"If your partner doesn't put in their work around the house, somewhere in that situation is a fundamental lack of respect. If your partner doesn't try to make sex as enjoyable for you as it is for them, somewhere in that situation is a fundamental lack of respect. If your partner calls you mean names that one is obviously a fundamental lack of respect."
"Respect. Is. Everything."
"Your relationship is dead in the water when your partner stops treating you with respect. Your partner telling you that your face when you orgasm is unattractive is functionally the same as being like 'ugh, your laugh is annoying' or 'ugh, you smile weird.' That's f'king disrespectful and cruel."
"And then on top of that they decided that they hated the way you look so much that they, without any input from you, decided you're not allowed to have orgasms anymore. Something about that legitimately makes me uncomfortable."
"I can't put my finger on it exactly but I can tell you that's both disrespectful and disgusting. Your partner sounds inherently selfish and toddler levels of bratty."
"On top of all of that they stormed out because you had the gall to have an opinion. Let's also add to all of this that your partner doesn't need to look at your face when you orgasm. Like, you see how f'ked that is right?"
"Instead of just not looking at you when you orgasm they decided that you just don't get orgasms anymore because they're so immature and selfish that they think seeing something that isn't necessarily pretty (a thing that every other normal person on this planet has come to terms with) is more important than you having the same pleasurable experience as them."
"The moment I saw the title I knew that the situation was bullsh*t and you're clearly dealing with some self confidence issues if you don't think this situation is absolutely bullsh*t. Your partner doesn't respect you. Sorry, there is no fixing that." – ughnamesarehard
It seems the OP had a major wake up call about his self worth and made a difficult decision in order for him to move forward.
In an update, the OP wrote:
"I posted here about a week ago looking for advice about how to bring up the fact that what my partner had said hurt me quite a lot without causing a fight. I honestly didn't really receive much advice in that aspect, but did have plenty of people point out to me that this was super toxic behavior."
"I decided to end things with my partner. It hurts right now, but I feel it is for the best."
"If they are unwilling to even pretend to care at all about my pleasure in bed, what else won't they care about in the future? Will my opinions on anything involving my children matter at all, for example?"
"Two days ago while they were at work and I was home I moved my belongings into the guest bedroom. We are on a lease together so I cannot fully move out. When they got home from work we had a talk in which I broke up with them."
"They were very upset and asked what happened as they thought we were super happy. I told them it was about the sex thing and they got pretty mad. I was accused of being selfish, thinking with my d*ck only, ect."
"I honestly didn't feel like fighting so I just sat there and played a poker face until they got frustrated at the lack of reaction and locked themselves in our (I suppose their, now) bedroom. I went to my new room and could hear them crying inside the other bedroom and they just kept repeating 'where is his stuff?' over and over."
"I just put in earbuds and watched Hulu until I fell asleep."
His feelings of guilt slowly gave way to resentment.
"I felt super bad for most of the first day and after that, and replaying the break up over in my head I actually got super pissed. How dare they accuse me of being selfish and thinking with my d*ck when the whole reason this happened is because they're f'king selfish in bed and only cared about their orgasms?"
His anger manifested in a way that didn't help his cause.
"Last night I watched porn on the TV in my bedroom pretty loud (which is right up against the wall of their bedroom) for like four hours."
"I wasn't really watching it and was actually reading a book/scrolling through social media/whatever else but they don't know that. I plan to do this every night until I grow tired of it."
"I've very quickly grown to resent my ex-partner and can't believe I put up with their sh*t for so long. I'm super glad to be out of the relationship."
"We haven't actually spoken since the breakup and I honestly don't plan to. If they try to talk to me about anything other than household bills I'm just gonna walk away."
"Don't get me wrong, I'm heartbroken and devastated but I know this is for the best. I'll eventually pick up the pieces of my heart and find a partner who actually cares for me and loves me. Thanks for helping me see the light y'all."
While Redditors praised the new development, they weren't exactly on board with his reaction to the breakup and gave him another reality check in the comments.
"While I'm happy for you that you broke up with her, blasting porn for hours on end isn't going to do you any favors." – otter_rumpus
"Good on you for breaking up with them. But the things you are doing now are just outright petty and stupid."
"Have some decency for yourself and show them that you can be a better person. What you are doing is very counterproductive." – YarraYarra
"Yeah, their reaction was a pretty good example of why you broke up with them. Your anger is understandable."
"Still, actively antagonizing the person you live with is going to make you both miserable."
"There's no need to punish them; you broke up and they're sad. If they escalate with rude behavior of their own, you're going to have an extremely awful few months spent mostly with them." – himbologic
Most Redditors were disappointed in his act of revenge, calling it "petty" and accusing him of being just as "insufferable" as his ex.
However, this person cut the OP some slack but also gave a friendly warning.
"I agree 100% with breaking up with your partner. What a sh*thead."
"And I understand the porn thing. Immature? Absolutely. Funny? Hell yeah."
"Just keep in mind that this is someone you do have to live with until your lease is up. Remember that they know where you sleep lol." – PARAxNON
At least he's off to a good start towards a satisfying finish.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.