With each passing year, our appearance is bound to change.
Our hair might get a little grayer, more and more wrinkles might appear on our faces, and our weight might fluctuate.
While some people embrace aging gracefully, others feel more and more self-conscious about their appearance the older they get.
Sometimes even going so far as to take measures to prevent their appearance from changing too much.
The wife of a recent Redditor was interested in a popular cosmetic procedure.
Something the Original Poster (OP) was firmly against, and made no effort to hide his opinion on the matter.
Even so, the OP's wife still went and got it done, resulting in the OP taking drastic measures to make sure she would never do it again.
Wondering if he went too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA: My (28 M[ale])wife (27 F[emale]) wants to take my vehicle to get botox after she lied to me about it."
The OP explained why he refused to give his wife their car keys on a recent occasion.
"A year ago my wife (27) went out and got lip injections after I asked her not to and was upset because it's not something I like at all in a woman."
"She lied about what she was doing and did it anyway."
"Then a few months after that, she went and got Botox for her forehead and nose. This is after we talked about lying about the lip injections and how I hate these kinds of things on women.'
"Nobody escapes time and age."
"Now, tomorrow she is asking to take my vehicle because she is getting botox AGAIN apparently for the same places, forehead and nose (Something makes me think it's more than that)."
"I denied her my vehicle because I feel I would be enabling her behaviors, and I also do not approve or condone what she's doing.
"She seems to think I'm a complete d8ck head because of this."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While neither the OP nor his wife came out looking particularly good to the Reddit community, the general consensus was that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for not allowing his wife to use the car.
Many felt the OP shouldn't have lied to her husband about getting Botox, even though they agreed that the OP ultimately had no say in what she chose to do with her body.
"ESH."
"Your wife lies to you."
"You feel like you can have a final say on her body and indulge in childish behavior."
"What you both need in your relationship is honesty and better communication."- Embarrassed-Owl8229
"ESH."
"You're the AH for forbidding her from getting it done. It's her body, after all."
"You're not an AH for not liking it and not letting her use your car."
"She's also the AH for lying."
"She will find a way to do all those surgeries (and who knows when she'll stop)."
"You have to decide if you still want to be with her or decide that it's too much for you."- PlateNo7021
"It doesn't sound like you were ready for marriage."
"You're not compatible with each other if you can't talk this out like rational people."- CareApart504
Others, however, couldn't get past the OP's controlling behavior of his wife, and he had absolutely no right to withhold his car keys so she could get Botox.
"YTA."
"Your car, your rules, right?"
"But maybe have an open conversation instead of using your car keys as a remote control for her decisions."- CompetitiveMoose9
"YTA."
"She shouldn't have lied, and I was very close to ESH."
"But...you are being unbelievably judgmental."
''Enabling her'?"
"She is well within her rights and doing nothing wrong by opting for some tweakments."
"You're very focused on what you like, what you don't like, what you don't approve of."
"I see no consideration for how she feels about herself or what she likes."- happybanana134
"YTA."
"And a manipulator at that."
"Your wife shouldn't even have been put in a situation where she had to lie to you."
"Because it's her body and her choice."
"Yes, you can express your opinion and concerns, but that's it. If she still wants to do it, you SUPPORT her."
"You offer to drive her there and back (if you can)."
"You are partners, aren't you?"
"What's the point then of having a partner in life?"- BreadfruitOk945
"YTA."
"It's her body, it doesn't matter what you consider seemly for women."
'She is an adult. She doesn't need your approval or permission."- Pleasant_Birthday_77
"I understand disliking the plastic surgery fake look."
"However, that's not fair. You are basically saying she is not allowed to do so."
"'enabling' her choice to get treatments done by lending her your car?"
"Botox is an anti-aging treatment and will not cause that anyway."
"Also, if you seem to come across as someone who says looks aren't important and it's vain to care 'no one escapes time and age,' however if that's truly the case, you should love your wife whether she looks like that or not."
"If looks really don't matter?"
"Seems like maybe in the past, you've made your opinion on that clear, and that's why she felt like she had to lie?"
"That seems like the bigger issue here rather than her using your car or getting it done in the first place."
"The fact you feel like it's some kind of inappropriate 'behavior' when in reality for most women it's a way of taking care of themselves makes it seem like the way you expressing your views is not by expressing- but trying to enforce compliance."
"YTA."- ShreddedApplez
"100% YTA."
"She's completely within her rights to do what she wants, she's an adult, she has autonomy over her body."
"You 'not liking' this in women is not an end to the story."
"You don't get to tell her what she's allowed to do, and denying her access to your vehicle because it's 'enabling her behaviour' is absolutely gross intent."
"You clearly don't want an equal relationship. You want someone you can dictate."-AnalFistingWalrus
"YTA."
"the way you talk, I assume she has to lie to you every day in order to do anything in her life."-vegemitepants
"Where is 'her' car?"
"If she does not have one, then why isn't 'your' car a shared car?"
"Also, you are welcome to your opinions on botox, etc., but that's where it ends."
'You don't get to decide what she does with her body."
"Period."
"YTA."- Plane-Thing-8072
"YTA."
"She wouldn't be lying to you if you didn't have the audacity to think you can forbid her to do whatever she damn well pleases with her own body."
"If this is a boundary, then have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship."
"Otherwise, take all the seats."
"Not your body, not your choice."
"Period."- theresbeans
"YTA."
"She's a grown woman she can make her own choices on her body."
"You made your opinion clear. That's all you can do."
'You must accept what she wants to do with her body or leave her. Those are your only two options."
"Cutting off her transportation is extremely controlling and a way to try to force her to do what you want."- Illustrious_Bird9234
"YTA for controlling what your wife is doing with her body when 'you don't like that look'."- zaubervoll
"Yikes bro, this is controlling territory."
"Get some therapy."- emollii
"If you are in a position where you can withhold a means of transportation and therefore free movement from your wife then there is an imbalance of power, and she is at your mercy."
"This is NOT healthy behaviour and you should rethink that."- jollycanoli
"YTA."
"Instead of 'getting over her lying to you multiple times,' you should try communicating WITH her about why she doesn't feel comfortable telling you the truth."
"Maybe actually make an effort to hear her side of things and understand."
"Sounds like you're just preaching and demanding and commanding."
"Also, are you making comments about how hot other women are?"
"Do they happen to be younger?"- Dangerous_Prize_4545
"YTA."
"Her body, her choice whether you like it or not."- QHAM6T46
"YTA for trying to stop her."
"She can do as she pleases; however, she shouldn't have lied."
"Honestly my partner and I have discussed Botox and surgeries, and he said he doesn't want me to get any and I have straight up told him if I feel it is necessary, I will be getting a tummy tuck and breast reduction after we are done having kids."
"He said that it's reasonable even if he's not fond of the idea."
"Sometimes your partner isn't going just to follow your lead, dude."- Fun-Complaint-8363
The OP has every right to wish his wife wouldn't get Botox.
Where his rights end, however, is telling her what she can and cannot do with her own body.
One can't help but feel that if the OP made a point of how beautiful his wife was already, without Botox, and made her feel even more beautiful, this whole thing could have been avoided.
Acting like he's in charge of her, however, instead could very possibly put their marriage in jeopardy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp