There’s little that causes more conflict within a family than money.
Namely, when one member of a family makes considerably more money than others.
Ideally, family members who make more money than the rest of their family, or the average person for that matter, are ready and willing to help their less fortunate family members out.
But should those family members feel entitled to that help?
The sister of Redditor ThrowawayCarpenter19 certainly seemed to think so, and wasn’t afraid to say so.
This led to some fairly heated discussions, which eventually made the original poster (OP)’s decision on whether or not to help out fairly easy.
But wondering if he did the right thing, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to pay for my Sister-in-law [SIL]’s fertility treatment?”
The OP first shared that he was, indeed, much luckier than the average working man, but that wasn’t always the case.
“I (32 M[ale]) am very wealthy.”
“I sold my startup to a big company 10 years ago and invested my money well since.”
“My wife (33 F[emale]) and I have been together since high school.”
“We have 5 kids (13F, 8F, twins 4M and 1F).”
“We had our first baby young and were flat broke, unplanned, not ready etc.”
“We made it work and luckily, I really succeeded financially afterwards.”
“We made a deal back then that we would not have more kids unless we have the money to give them a nice life.”
“We wanted a big family and since we have the money now, we were able to make our dream come true.”
The OP’s sister-in-law is not as financially steady as he is, but hoped that he might be willing to help pay for a service she couldn’t otherwise afford which could make her dreams a reality.
“My wife’s sister (46F) is single, childless and does okay financially, but is not rich.”
“She wants a baby and the treatments to cause her fertility issues would be almost $100,000 total.”
“It’s more than she can afford.”
“She asked us for the money a few weeks ago and my wife and I have been discussing it.”
“She texts her or me every couple of days to ‘check on our deal’. “
After growing increasingly impatient, the OP’s sister-in-law eventually confronted him about the matter.
“Yesterday the family way at our place for my 13 yo’s birthday and my SIL just blurts out ‘you two were poor when you had her, why won’t you help me have one now that you’re rich?'”
“I told her to please let it go right now and we will talk about it in private.”
“She called me a selfish and entitled AH in front of both our families.”
“I got angry and told her that now she is for sure not getting our money.”
“Her family has been blowing up my phone, calling me an AH.”
“AITA for not paying for her treatments, even though I could do it?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for declining to pay for his sister-in-law’s fertility treatments.
Everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to pay for such an expensive service even if he had the money to do so, and that his sister-in-law was the entitled one for expecting him to do so.
“The irony of someone looking for a handout calling you entitled is rich.”
“No pun intended.”-NUT-me-SHELL.
“You are not responsible for personally paying for someone else’s fertility treatments.”- toofat2serve.
“People amaze me with their boldness asking for other people’s money.”
“And then playing victim when the answer is ‘no’.”
“NTA its your money your decision.”
“Just because you are wealthy does not make any family member entitled to YOUR money.”-Blakangel715.
“Being unable to have a child when you want children is heartbreaking but it gives no one the right to be an entitled asshole.”- GothPenguin.
“NTA – people are responsible for themselves and all of their life choices.”
“It is a complete AH move on the part of SIL and her family to feel entitled to your money.”
“This isn’t you picking up the check at dinner.”
“They are completely out of line.”- Vulcancomic.
“As tragic as her fertility issues are, she is not entitled to your money to pay for it.”
“This is even worse, as you hadn’t turned her down yet – you and your wife were discussing it, and she was not helping you case by continuing to nag you about your decision, and especially not by blowing up at you in public.”
“As anyone can see by your reaction – she pretty much killed her chances with her little stunt.”
“Also, it is a low move to get family members to use peer pressure to try to convince you.”
“This is a coward’s tactic, it is what people do when they know they have otherwise lost, so they get a bunch of other people to gang up and bully you.”-bamf1701.
“I feel bad for her because it probably pains her to see you with all your kids and she can’t even have one but it’s still not your responsibility to pay for it.”-exotics.
“She’s not entitled to anyones money to have a child or to spend otherwise.”
“She can also look into fostering or adoption.”
“You aren’t responsible for her life choices.”
“And the way she made a public scene I would have said the same thing.”- PuzzleheadedTap4484.
“You’re not required to pay for her fertility treatments.”
“The entitlement is astounding.”- oneeyecheeselord.
“You have no obligation to pay for this type of elective medical care.”
“It was nice of you to consider it, but after that reaction, I would have landed on a firm no as well.”
“Also, a child needs a parent with better emotional control than that.”-warrinerdot.
:She calls you an entitled AH and feels she’s entitled to your money?”
“NTA but if I were you, I’d send a final, neutrally (or kindly if you can stand to) worded refusal.”
“Don’t leave the issue hanging on the negative note and don’t assume you should keep it to yourself.”
“I bet you you she is trash talking to anyone who will listen and you should show them that she is the one who is being unreasonable.”-Nyankh.
Many wondered if the OP did lend his sister-in-law money for fertility treatments, she then might expect him to continue lending him money for many other things down the line.
“NTA where does it stop.”
“If she feels entitled to the treatment, will she also expect you to pay for daycare, private school, a house in a better county, college?”
“It sucks for her, but once you open the wallet you’ll be on the hook every time she has trouble.”-ShootFrameHang.
“Ok so if you give her the money and she goes and has a kid, she WILL hit you up for more for her kid’s expenses.”
‘”You have money, why can’t you pay for formula and diapers?!'”
“‘You have money, why can’t you pay for a nanny so I can go out and have a break?!'”
“‘You have money, why can’t you pay for us to go to Disney?!'”
“‘You have money, why can’t you pay for my kid’s college tuition?!'”
“NTA and don’t give her any money for any reason.”-oranges214.
“What’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out?”
“Is SIL going to come to you every time it fails?”
“What happens when the baby arrives and there’s still no money?”
“She is not entitled to your money.”- Official_loli.
“You’re good fortune does not oblige you to give her a penny for this or anything else.”– jsodano.
A few questioned if it was really a good idea for the OP’s sister-in-law to still be trying to conceive a child at her age.
“I think it’s weird that no one is bringing up the fact that this woman is 46.”
“I feel like the success rate at that age is next to none.”
“Your money would very likely be wasted.”
“Regardless of her behavior, this would likely be futile.”
“Forgetting the money request, which is absolutely absurd.”
“By the time she has a baby she could be 47, 48, or older.”
“That baby will be so high risk of many many health problems and so will mom be.”
“And with increased likelihood of MAJOR lifelong health problems or birth defects.”
“Comes increased cost.”
“How is she going to cope with that?”
“She’s going to be trying to retirement before her kid graduates.”
“All as a single.mother.”
“These things are challenging , not impossible, in isolation.”
“But together, these things you’d be supporting by paying for her IVF.”
“As a child of older parents, please do not support this.”
“There’s absolutely a reason why women rarely naturally have kids at that type of age.”
It’s always hard when life doesn’t turn out the way you hoped it might, as seems to be the case with the OP’s sister-in-law.
But dragging other’s down to your own level of unhappiness will never amount to anything, except even more unhappiness.
Here’s hoping they can resolve this conflict.