Stepparents always hope that their stepchildren will come to view them as if they were their blood relations, and vice-versa.
Sadly, that isn't always the case, as some stepchildren are never able to accept their stepparents into their lives, as they can never replace their actual parents.
While some stepparents choose to take a backseat in the lives of their stepchildren, figuring their actual parents should be the ones doing all the parenting, things can get even more complicated when divorce comes into play.
The ex-wife of Redditor Significant_Virus747 had two teenage children of her own from a previous relationship.
Following their divorce, the original poster (OP) was surprised to discover that his ex-wife still expected him to be present in the lives of her children despite the fact that they never viewed him as a parent figure.
Specifically in one department, which the OP flatly refused to continue.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making my ex wife and her kids live in 'poverty' even though I have money?"
The OP explained why he didn't think he was responsible for the financial situation of his ex-wife or her children anymore.
"I (46 M[ale]) recently finalized my divorce with my now ex-wife Liza (41 F[emale])."
"We were only married for three years, and the cause for divorce was issues with finances."
"We had separate bank accounts for our own savings and checking accounts for where our salaries went."
"I did create an extra account for her where I would deposit money in monthly just as fun spending money as I make significantly more and wanted her to have less stress with her finances."
"Even with this setup, she would consistently go over the limit and would even take lots of cash out of my wallet and personal safe without informing me."
"When we were married, she and her two kids (18 M and 16 F) from her previous relationship moved into the house that I own, and I paid for them to go to a private high school."
"Their dad is in their life, so they never saw me as anything other than the guy who married their mom, but I understand that because they did meet me much later in their lives and not as little kids."
"Regardless, I tried to keep a good relationship, but neither of them ever wanted that and made me feel like an ATM."
"I got a really thorough prenup made before we married, so I basically kept everything I have except for some alimony I have to pay every month."
"After the divorce, Liza and her kids moved out, and I informed her that I had closed the bank account I made for sending her money and I was going to stop paying for kids' private school tuition after this school year was over."
"So that way, at least, they finish the year out and have a few months to figure out the next plans and transferring."
"It's been about three months since then, and I got a nasty call from her saying she can't afford rent anymore, so she and the kids have to move in with her mother. She basically berated me for 'taking away' the credit card attached to my bank account."
"Apparently, the kids have also had to stop some of their extracurricular sports because she can't pay for the programs."
"She said I left her in 'poverty,' and she had to apply for government assistance and food stamps."
"Also, when we were married, I had mentioned potentially paying for her kid's college tuition when the time comes, but it was never a set thing."
"Apparently she still thought this offer was on the table and mapped out how her son just got accepted to his dream school and the cost of attendance will be 80k per year, so she wanted to know how I would be sending the funds for this."
"I just told her she's crazy if she thinks I'm giving up my hard-earned money for someone else's kids I have no ties to anymore and that I covered her bills completely for 3 years, so she should have saved her salary then instead of blowing through it on designer items."
"A lot of her family/friends and her kids' dad are all calling me saying I need to provide for the kids at least because I'm their 'stepdad' and that's a lifelong commitment."
"Also, according to them, it's not fair that I'm taking away their opportunities to be at a fancy private school and college, especially when I have the money to pay for all of it and keep up their lifestyle to how it was when they lived with me."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay his former stepchildren's tuition.
Everyone agreed that as his stepchildren never fully accepted him in their lives, not to mention the fact that his ex-wife mismanaged his and her own money during their marriage, the OP had no obligation to pay their current or future tuition.
"NTA."
"What kind of sane person would expect their ex-husband to pay for her and her kid's lives?"
"Not to mention the fact that the kids are not yours."
"Tell them that their ATM is now closed and wish them the best with their life."
"Block their numbers and enjoy your money!"- lazy_panda369
"WTF."
"NTA."
"Not even remotely."
"You are divorced."
"You had a prenup."
"The kids didn't consider you their dad."
"AND they have their real dad."
"Doesn't sound like you adopted them."
"I don't see what the problem is."
"Legally, you are not responsible for HER kids."
"Clearly she was bad with money if you are divorcing over financial issues."
"No child support was set up."
"She married you knowing there was a prenup."
"What's done is done."- VegetableBee1
"So wait, their FATHER is saying that YOU should pay for their school?"
"Wow."
"NTA."
"These people see you have money and are taxing you with guilt."
"No way."
"So sorry that they see life this way bc it sounds like you gave them every opportunity to be better."-Hot_Bookkeeper2349
"Holy Wow: NTA."
"Honestly, you went above and beyond."
"Cut contact when you can."
"This dumpster fire is no longer your issue."- BoudiccaRisen
"NTA, she can't blame you for not being ATM and making her choices."
"I guess it would have been different if you raised the kids for like 15 years, had things in writing, and they called you a dad, but 3?"- Icy-Dot4990
"NTA."
"I have no fear that you'll fall for this ex's post-breakup sob story, mainly because you took the trouble to get a prenup before you took her and her kids on."
"It seems you were aware that your money might be a motivation for your ex to entangle herself with you."
"Your precaution has paid off so far."
"Be prepared, however, to argue in court whether or not you are responsible to pay for her children's future education."
"Some courts hold that a person can rely on another's promise to pay, and act upon it and that the promisor must pay."
"If one of them chooses to pursue the court route, you must lay out documentation to prove that you have never intentionally taken on her children's financial care; only that of your wife, and convince the judge that you've never made any offers of future financial help for her children."-Mysterious_Pea_5008
"I think an obvious NTA."
"And being a stepdad is a life long commitment, which is lucky you're now an ex-stepdad."-Sad_Bathroom_7897
"NTA."
"Sounds like your ex needs a reality check."
"Well, actually it sounds like she's in the middle of receiving one and don't like it much."- jimbob19304
"NTA."
"What did she do before she met you?"
"You were only married three years you owe her nothing."
"Her family and kids' dad are all just money grabbers who want you to feel bad for something you shouldn't."- Artistic_Tough5005
"NTA."
"She was a very greedy woman - you are better off without her."
"They aren't your kids, and they only saw you as an ATM - you owe them nothing."
"I hope you find someone who actually loves you and not your money."- alien_overlord_1001
ATMs are notoriously unreliable devices.
As they have a way of being out of order or out of money.
Something the OP's ex-wife and stepchildren should have taken into account.
Had they treated the OP more like a husband or parent, there is every chance he would have gladly continued to pay for the children's tuition and help his ex-wife more financially.
Then, too, had the OP's ex-wife taken a closer look at that prenup, this whole situation might have been avoided.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp