Stepparents always hope that their stepchildren will come to view them as if they were their blood relations, and vice-versa.
Sadly, that isn't always the case, as some stepchildren are never able to accept their stepparents into their lives, as they can never replace their actual parents.
While some stepparents choose to take a backseat in the lives of their stepchildren, figuring their actual parents should be the ones doing all the parenting, things can get even more complicated when divorce comes into play.
The ex-wife of Redditor Significant_Virus747 had two teenage children of her own from a previous relationship.
Following their divorce, the original poster (OP) was surprised to discover that his ex-wife still expected him to be present in the lives of her children despite the fact that they never viewed him as a parent figure.
Specifically in one department, which the OP flatly refused to continue.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making my ex wife and her kids live in 'poverty' even though I have money?"
The OP explained why he didn't think he was responsible for the financial situation of his ex-wife or her children anymore.
"I (46 M[ale]) recently finalized my divorce with my now ex-wife Liza (41 F[emale])."
"We were only married for three years, and the cause for divorce was issues with finances."
"We had separate bank accounts for our own savings and checking accounts for where our salaries went."
"I did create an extra account for her where I would deposit money in monthly just as fun spending money as I make significantly more and wanted her to have less stress with her finances."
"Even with this setup, she would consistently go over the limit and would even take lots of cash out of my wallet and personal safe without informing me."
"When we were married, she and her two kids (18 M and 16 F) from her previous relationship moved into the house that I own, and I paid for them to go to a private high school."
"Their dad is in their life, so they never saw me as anything other than the guy who married their mom, but I understand that because they did meet me much later in their lives and not as little kids."
"Regardless, I tried to keep a good relationship, but neither of them ever wanted that and made me feel like an ATM."
"I got a really thorough prenup made before we married, so I basically kept everything I have except for some alimony I have to pay every month."
"After the divorce, Liza and her kids moved out, and I informed her that I had closed the bank account I made for sending her money and I was going to stop paying for kids' private school tuition after this school year was over."
"So that way, at least, they finish the year out and have a few months to figure out the next plans and transferring."
"It's been about three months since then, and I got a nasty call from her saying she can't afford rent anymore, so she and the kids have to move in with her mother. She basically berated me for 'taking away' the credit card attached to my bank account."
"Apparently, the kids have also had to stop some of their extracurricular sports because she can't pay for the programs."
"She said I left her in 'poverty,' and she had to apply for government assistance and food stamps."
"Also, when we were married, I had mentioned potentially paying for her kid's college tuition when the time comes, but it was never a set thing."
"Apparently she still thought this offer was on the table and mapped out how her son just got accepted to his dream school and the cost of attendance will be 80k per year, so she wanted to know how I would be sending the funds for this."
"I just told her she's crazy if she thinks I'm giving up my hard-earned money for someone else's kids I have no ties to anymore and that I covered her bills completely for 3 years, so she should have saved her salary then instead of blowing through it on designer items."
"A lot of her family/friends and her kids' dad are all calling me saying I need to provide for the kids at least because I'm their 'stepdad' and that's a lifelong commitment."
"Also, according to them, it's not fair that I'm taking away their opportunities to be at a fancy private school and college, especially when I have the money to pay for all of it and keep up their lifestyle to how it was when they lived with me."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay his former stepchildren's tuition.
Everyone agreed that as his stepchildren never fully accepted him in their lives, not to mention the fact that his ex-wife mismanaged his and her own money during their marriage, the OP had no obligation to pay their current or future tuition.
"NTA."
"What kind of sane person would expect their ex-husband to pay for her and her kid's lives?"
"Not to mention the fact that the kids are not yours."
"Tell them that their ATM is now closed and wish them the best with their life."
"Block their numbers and enjoy your money!"- lazy_panda369
"WTF."
"NTA."
"Not even remotely."
"You are divorced."
"You had a prenup."
"The kids didn't consider you their dad."
"AND they have their real dad."
"Doesn't sound like you adopted them."
"I don't see what the problem is."
"Legally, you are not responsible for HER kids."
"Clearly she was bad with money if you are divorcing over financial issues."
"No child support was set up."
"She married you knowing there was a prenup."
"What's done is done."- VegetableBee1
"So wait, their FATHER is saying that YOU should pay for their school?"
"Wow."
"NTA."
"These people see you have money and are taxing you with guilt."
"No way."
"So sorry that they see life this way bc it sounds like you gave them every opportunity to be better."-Hot_Bookkeeper2349
"Holy Wow: NTA."
"Honestly, you went above and beyond."
"Cut contact when you can."
"This dumpster fire is no longer your issue."- BoudiccaRisen
"NTA, she can't blame you for not being ATM and making her choices."
"I guess it would have been different if you raised the kids for like 15 years, had things in writing, and they called you a dad, but 3?"- Icy-Dot4990
"NTA."
"I have no fear that you'll fall for this ex's post-breakup sob story, mainly because you took the trouble to get a prenup before you took her and her kids on."
"It seems you were aware that your money might be a motivation for your ex to entangle herself with you."
"Your precaution has paid off so far."
"Be prepared, however, to argue in court whether or not you are responsible to pay for her children's future education."
"Some courts hold that a person can rely on another's promise to pay, and act upon it and that the promisor must pay."
"If one of them chooses to pursue the court route, you must lay out documentation to prove that you have never intentionally taken on her children's financial care; only that of your wife, and convince the judge that you've never made any offers of future financial help for her children."-Mysterious_Pea_5008
"I think an obvious NTA."
"And being a stepdad is a life long commitment, which is lucky you're now an ex-stepdad."-Sad_Bathroom_7897
"NTA."
"Sounds like your ex needs a reality check."
"Well, actually it sounds like she's in the middle of receiving one and don't like it much."- jimbob19304
"NTA."
"What did she do before she met you?"
"You were only married three years you owe her nothing."
"Her family and kids' dad are all just money grabbers who want you to feel bad for something you shouldn't."- Artistic_Tough5005
"NTA."
"She was a very greedy woman - you are better off without her."
"They aren't your kids, and they only saw you as an ATM - you owe them nothing."
"I hope you find someone who actually loves you and not your money."- alien_overlord_1001
ATMs are notoriously unreliable devices.
As they have a way of being out of order or out of money.
Something the OP's ex-wife and stepchildren should have taken into account.
Had they treated the OP more like a husband or parent, there is every chance he would have gladly continued to pay for the children's tuition and help his ex-wife more financially.
Then, too, had the OP's ex-wife taken a closer look at that prenup, this whole situation might have been avoided.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.