Many people dream of becoming parents, and can’t wait till the moment when they are in a position to do so finally arrives.
Unfortunately, having children is not nearly as easy for some as it is for others.
While some mothers become pregnant with little to no effort, others have a much longer and harder road to conception.
And then there are those who receive the rather devastating news that for various reasons, they physically aren’t able to have children.
Redditor Divided-Path4534 and her husband were having a very hard time conceiving a child, and making matters worse, they had multiple instances of false hope.
The original poster (OP), was understandably having a difficult time processing this experience, but after her husband made a surprising remark at a family dinner, she was hurt and humiliated.
Concerned she didn’t handle the moment as well as she could have, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for leaving dinner at my husband’s family’s house over a comment he made about my miscarriage?”
The OP explained how her husband’s insensitive choice of words at a family gathering only made her feel worse in her already fragile state.
“My husband and I have been trying to have kids for 3 years.”
“I’ve had a series of miscarriages (MCs) and not a single pregnancy was successful.”
“Our recent MC was a month ago.”
“And although my husband never said anything, up until now, these have been such trying to times for me personally, the tension and emotions are very overwhelming and I’ve become too sensitive even at the mention of the topic.”
“He took me to his family’s house for dinner last night and my MC was brought up by his mom.”
“The look of disappointment on her face made me lose my appetite completely.”
“She went on and on about what may have caused it, then my husband chimed in and said that he’s starting to come to a conclusion that ‘maybe I’m ‘incapable’ of being a mom’.”
“I was floored for two reasons.”
“One is that he’d even say such thing.”
‘Two is that no doctor has told me that there was something wrong with me specifically so for him to declare I was ‘incapable’ of bearing children and being a mom hurt like a sting.”
“I looked at him and he was like ‘what?'”
“Then he told me to not get offended since he was just being honest.”
“He said he loves me and thinks I’m perfect but still thinks that ‘I’m flawed in that area’ referring to motherhood.”
“I had it at that point.”
“I just got up from my seat and took my stuff and headed to the door.”
“I said nothing just made my way out.”
“He shouted at me but I didn’t stop.”
“I went home and he came and started unloading on me about how immature and too sensitive and ridiculous I was being.”
“He said he was giving his honest opinion about the matter and I have no right to police the words that come out of his mouth whether I like what I’m hearing or not it’s still the truth.”
“We argued some then we stopped talking altogether.”
“He keeps saying I exaggerated and walked during dinner and disrespected him and his family over literally nothing.”
“I’m unsure if I handled this the right way, or yet acted out of emotions.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for walking out of the family dinner after her husband’s remarks.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s husband was being beyond insensitive, and shouldn’t have said anything about what was a very private matter in such a public setting, with more than a few even suggesting that the OP might be better off leaving him.
“I am almost speechless.”
“I am so very sorry for your loss and heartache.”
“Before you consider another try, I think you may wish to re-evaluate whether this is the man you want to parent with forever.”
“His insensitivity is outrageous and then he doubled down by attacking again at home behind his interpretation of ‘the truth’.”
“What a total AH.”
“Please consider counseling for yourself – for your grief, frustration, and to determine whether you really want to continue with this abusive boor.”
“Soooo NTA.”- NGDGUnpunished
“It was his opinion and it wasn’t based in any medical fact.”
“Miscarriage is a natural thing.”
“It happens quite frequently.”
“About 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage and it can happen for a variety of reasons.”
“It says nothing about you and motherhood.”
“Sometimes in nature, sperm DNA can be damaged during sperm production and transport.”
“This damage is known as DNA fragmentation.”
“High levels of sperm DNA fragmentation have been shown to double the likelihood of a miscarriage occurring.”
“So maybe instead of trying to blame you, he should look in the mirror.”
“Maybe it’s his low quality sperm that’s to blame, you know?”- jammy913
“Being ‘too sensitive’ about miscarriages is not a thing.”
“Your feelings and sadness surrounding them are valid.”
“I am so sorry.”
“Miscarriages very rarely have an identifiable cause.”
“Most likely, the fetus was incompatible with life for some reason.”
“It’s not anything you did or didn’t do.”
“If everyone who was ‘incapable of being a mom’ experienced miscarriages we wouldn’t need the foster care system.”
“He doesn’t think you’re perfect and at this moment he considers you little more than a potential incubator and believes your value lies in your ability to carry a child to term.”
“You are NTA but he and his mother absolutely are.”- chaosandpuppies
“Genuinely, I don’t believe that there’s such a thing as ‘too sensitive’ when it comes to your own miscarriages.”
“You are allowed to grieve and be hurt and be mad and frustrated and whatever you need.”
“And what your husband said wasn’t ‘the truth’, it was his evil, shitty opinion that he should have never, ever voiced aloud to you.”
“His comments were way out of line, then combined with the fact that he said them in front of others is an additional line that was crossed.”
“OP, I’m sorry for your loss and struggles to have children.”
“I’m sure the stress and emotions are immense.”
“Know that there are many others out there with the same issues and there are support groups out there and available if you ever need.”
“The inability to bear children in no way means you can’t be a mother.”- Ickyhouse
“Gurl, don’t have kids with this man.”- RollingKatamari
“You have not handled it the right way.”
“The right way is to change the locks, send him to mom and divorce him.”- Disastrous_Ad_8561
“Sorry for your losses.”
“You should lose him, what an insensitive AH.”
“The true measure of a person is how they behave in times of pain and sorrow.”
“Both him and his mum failed miserably.”
“You deserve better.”
“Keep on walking till you run in the opposite direction.”
“‘you are flawed in this area’?”
“He is flawed in the most important areas needed for a successful marriage- sensitivity and empathy.”
“Instead of tempering the discussion and moving away from uncomfortable and highly inappropriate commentary by your MIL on MCs he decided to add to the discussion in the most crass way.”
“Nope not the AH at all but husband and MIL definitely are.”- Haunting-Row-3961
“So horrifying and unacceptable.”
“You are not too sensitive…he and hid mother are cruel, unfeeling dolls.”
“The topic of M C should never have been brought up and commented upon publicly.”
“That is your private pain.”
“And to come right out and imply that you are flawed?!! “
“What is wrong with him?!!”
“Honesty in this case is just an excuse for cruelty and bashing you.”
“Maybe couples therapy could help but I couldn’t be with someone like this who is trying to assign blame for infertility.”
“Poor social skills and lack of boundaries…this was private info between the two of you, never to be voiced aloud.”
“Heartbroken that this happened to you, but I could not deal with him and his overstepping mother.”-marta83
“Oh god, your husband is a total a**!”
“Do not have children with a man who talks about you like this.”
“Dodge this bullet and get out now!”
“You aren’t policing his words, you are refusing him to casually cruel to you.”
One hopes that perhaps the OP’s behavior is also a result of his own sadness over his frustrating journey to becoming a parent.
But even so, one has to wonder how didn’t realize how insensitive his remarks were, in front of his family or not.
One hopes that he sees the error of his ways, and offers his wife the huge apology she deserves.
And one hopes another bundle of joy will arrive for them sooner rather than later.