In 2023, we really should all have a firm understanding that families can come from anywhere and be created in shapes and sizes.
But some people are unwilling to accept anything they don’t deem “ordinary,” cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Majestic_Hamster3787 knew that her mother-in-law (MIL) preferred her biological grandson over her adopted granddaughter.
But after her most recent visit to her home, the Original Poster (OP) realized just how deep her MIL’s negative feelings toward her adopted granddaughter went.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) that she’s not allowed to meet our kids anymore?”
The OP had a family who she loved.
“My husband and I have two (5 Female) and (8 Male) children. After a very traumatic birth with my elder one, I decided that I’m not ready to go through that again.”
“But we still wanted more children. So five years ago, we adopted.”
“A side note, Julia and Malcolm know that Julia is adopted. I’ve had the conversation with both the children, although I have had it separately with both of them, too. I think I might have to have this conversation once again and make sure Julia knows that it doesn’t matter whether she’s adopted or not.”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) did not share the same love.
“My mother-in-law cares for our family. But she makes her preference for Malcolm more than clear.”
“To begin, she was absolutely furious hearing that I would not be having another biological child and was instantly disapproving. After hearing we were going to adopt a child, her anger turned into rage.”
“She screamed about how we didn’t know the parentage of the child and might end up bringing in someone who would disgrace her lineage.”
“My husband was able to calm her down. Thankfully when she saw little Julia, it seemed like this was all behind us.”
But the MIL’s negative feelings ran deeper than the OP thought.
“Yesterday MIL decided to visit us. My husband was away on a trip, so she was just helping around. I was absolutely exhausted so I asked if I could go down for a nap, and she was more than agreeing.”
“After a few hours, she woke me up and informed me that she was about to leave.”
“All was good, I was cooking in the kitchen, and all of a sudden, I heard a loud bang, followed by Julia crying.”
“When I rushed into the hall, I saw Malcolm towering over her. ‘You’re not real! All of this is mine!'”
“He started screaming, which was incredibly confusing, to say the least.”
The OP discovered the truth.
“After calming them down, I asked Malcom what he meant.”
“He then revealed that Grandma Muriel had told him that he was ‘Mommy and Daddy’s real son.'”
“This made me incredibly mad. I asked him what else Grandma had told him.”
“He told me all about how she had been telling him that Julia wasn’t really his sister and how he should be shown extra attention for being ‘extra special,’ and how he’s always going to be Grandma’s favorite grandson, and so much more.”
The OP took immediate action.
“Blinded with rage, I blocked Muriel on everything after sending her a text, detailing her actions and how this was absolutely unacceptable, and how she’d never be seeing her grandkids until they’re much older and understand the situation so they wouldn’t be swayed by her words.”
“I probably overreacted. To be fair, she is quite an old lady.”
The OP’s husband lashed out at her.
“After my husband returned, we got into quite the argument. To say the least, my husband disagreed.”
“He adores his mother and told me that stopping her from seeing the kids is inhumane.”
“He said she’s simply old-fashioned, and she didn’t know her words would bring this big of an impact or some such.”
“We will be having a civil discussion about this later.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried about Julia’s future with the grandmother in the picture.
“What an absolute monster your MIL is. Does your husband not see it? Or was he so f**ked up by her that he doesn’t see how cruel she is? I can’t imagine as a parent being okay with my mother poisoning the mind of my son against my daughter.” – Bimbels
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he shares his mother’s view. Obviously, he isn’t enough of a father to Julia to keep her away from an ABUSIVE situation. NTA, you draw the line here or your daughter will suffer for it.” – VegemilB
“OP, please protect your daughter from that AH woman and her AH son.”
“For Muriel to say those awful things is inhumane, no part of what she said is old-fashioned; it’s cruel and intentional. It seems like if she can’t get you to agree with her horrible thinking, she’ll manipulate your husband and your son into doing so.”
“NTA, but you would be if you don’t do what’s best for your daughter.” – millennial1234
“It doesn’t really matter whether or not your MiL understands what kind of impact this could have on Julia. Her intentions honestly don’t mean s**t. Because no matter the intention, the outcome will be the same for Julia, believing she is a second-class citizen.”
“But hey, good to know that your husband apparently cares more about his mother’s feelings than your daughter’s. Who is five and could develop serious lifelong trauma.”
“It honestly sounds like he seems to expect just to have Julia ‘suck it up’ or ‘understand’ that grandma is old and doesn’t mean it. But why is expecting so much emotional maturity from a literal five-year-old while expecting none from his grown mother?” – Kiwipopchan
Others agreed and wondered if the husband should be banned, too.
“I need you to understand this: Your husband is saying he will let his mother abuse your daughter.”
“You have a serious problem in your family, and you need to get into counseling to fix it immediately before he ruins this young girl’s life. And you need to prepare for the fact that your husband may never really love or protect his adopted daughter, and you will have to be the one who protects her from both of them.”
“NTA.” – No-Importance-659
“He has no business being a parent if he can’t keep his mother away from his daughter. I also suggested therapy. Parents through adoption have to be ready to protect their kids, first and foremost.” – Rredhead926
“My God, I was horrified when I read that the husband disagreed with her decision because he adores his mom.”
“OP should have their son tell his dad EXACTLY what grandmommy dearest said and then ask, ‘So you’re okay with your mom saying these things about your daughter? Is that what you are telling me?'”
“Then ask, ‘Does our daughter deserve to be told she isn’t as worthy of our love because she’s not our biological child? Are you telling me that you love your mom more than Julia? Because that’s the only takeaway from you wanting your mother around after the horrible things she said.'”
“And if he still wants his mom around, divorce him. The End. Your child’s welfare is more important than saving a marriage with a man who will allow his mom to abuse his child.” – Jedisilk015
“Not excusing the husband’s behavior, but I just dropped in to leave a few thoughts:”
“1. Children of toxic parents are often unable to realize the depth of the toxicity and inherent danger in maintaining relationships with these family members.”
“2. They do not have a core belief in themselves that they are worthy of ‘love’ that is not situationally approved by the horribly destructive family member, and they essentially don’t understand what love is to the rest of us who can see how f**ked up their family is.”
“That isn’t your fault, and it isn’t Julia’s fault. Best of luck, OP, and forever NTA on this one.” – raisins_are_gwapes2
“Someone might have posted here on Reddit a while back about how his adoptive parents neglected him after they suddenly had a biological child after years of trying before and after adoption.”
“He was contemplating disappearing from them and never going back. The same might happen here where the husband may neglect the adopted child, and OP will have to step up and protect her, whether within or outside the marriage.” – gullydon
One Redditor shared what they felt the OP should say to her husband.
“You can either support me in my decision to hold your mother accountable for her actions, or I will file for divorce. This is a hard dealbreaker for me.”
“What your mother did was unforgivable in my eyes, and I will not allow our children to be raised to think they aren’t really brother and sister because your ignorant mother thinks our adopted child is less than our biological child.”
“So you need to pack a bag and go stay somewhere else because I can’t even look at you right now. I am beyond disappointed that you don’t see anything wrong with what your mother said and did or the fact that your son attacked your daughter because of it. Pull your head out of your a**, or I will do what I have to do to protect our children… even if that means ending this marriage.”
“NTA.” – The__Riker__Maneuver
To this comment, the OP shared an update:
“I think this might just be where this goes. If my husband doesn’t agree to cut her off from our kids, I’m done.”
“Their mental health, happiness, and relationship with each other are more important than a husband who won’t see that he’s actively hurting them by neglecting his own daughter, and more so also ruining her perception in front of his son.”
“Thank you so much for the comment.”
The subReddit was completely floored by the mother-in-law’s comments and applauded the OP for acting quickly. What happened in the aftermath with the OP’s husband was far more telling, and it was clear that the OP would need to step up her protection of her children even more in the future.