Parenting is tough. Some say, "it takes a village."
But the problem with a village is that invites more people into the picture.
Redditor CharminUltraSoft316 recently learned that lesson the hard way when their mother-in-law was babysitting their sick baby and after a series of unfortunate events more family members got involved.
The original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" to ask if their ultimate reaction was warranted.
They asked:
"AITA for cancelling my son's birthday party because my Mother-In-Law left poop on my toothbrush"
How did the poop on a toothbrush lead to a cancelled birthday party?
"My mother-in-law watches my three kids. They are age 5, 3 and 7 months. My mother-in-law usually watches them and drops them off from school."
"The kids are battling a stomach virus so everyone was home on Monday. The little one had a poop explosion so my mother-in-law washed her butt in our bathroom sink.
"However, she did not clean up after and there was poop all around the sink, on the toothpaste, on the toothbrushes and the little cups that the kids use when brushing their teeth. I have pictures if you guys really want to see."
"This has happened before but it's the first time we said anything. My wife called her mom to be more careful because it's absolutely disgusting and gross."
"My wife is Hispanic so her tone can definitely be aggressive, especially to a gringo like myself, but her mom seemed to understand the frustration."
The story, unfortunately, did not end there.
"However, once her sisters (both in their 30s and single for good reason) caught wind that my wife 'belittled' their mother all Hell broke loose."
"The sisters began defending the mother, calling out how dirty/messy our house is, calling my wife fat and basically just saying how lucky we are to have the MIL [mother-in-law] in our life and it's no big deal. In fact, we're the a-holes for being upset about this."
"I guess the sisters got to my mother-in-law because then MIL came back and started parroting the same talking points about how messy our house is, how ungrateful my wife is and how my MIL cleans our house and cooks for the kids all of the time."
"My 5-year-old son was also at her house this weekend and had an accident where he hershey squirted on the bed cuz he's sick. That was also thrown in our face multiple times."
"They also referred to watching our kids as FAVORS which is weird because they always ask to take them. My mother-in-law says she won't come ever again to watch the kids."
"She no-showed today so I had to call out today to watch the baby which is fine. However, I don't like how the MIL is affecting my job and career with her pettiness as I had some important stuff scheduled today."
"Keep in mind, we pay her $300 (cash) a week to watch the kids. Now I'm going to pay about $150 more per month for someone to watch the kids which is no big deal really."
"However, my son's birthday is tomorrow. They had a big ol' party planned at my mother-in-law's for Saturday."
"However, I have told everyone that we will not be attending the party and we have barred her family from seeing, giving gifts or even speaking to the kids for the time being."
"AITA for cancelling my son's party and not allowing my wife's family to celebrate his birthday on Saturday?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The overall consensus from Reddit released the OP from the burden of being the a**hole.
"Your MIL didn't bother to clean up unhygienic material from your house and is blaming you for having an unclean house? No, that's on her."
"Your kids could have gotten sick from her behavior. Oh, wait, they are. Hmm."
"Your kids are sick, and the mess they make is somehow your fault when MIL is the one doing the caregiving? No. It's not."
"This isn't the first time such things have happened?"
"Get better caregivers. MIL isn't competent. If she can't prioritize safety issues like cleaning up after such things happen, she's not being safe for your children."
"Makes me wonder how often they have gotten sick because of her unsafe lack of cleanliness."
"When your wife complained about MIL's incompetence in childcare, MIL went out and got herself some enablers to support her incompetence? And they attacked your wife and you, insulted you both, etc...?"
"NTA. This is about not spending time with the people that blame and insult you for the things that someone else did. They behaved badly, and are blaming you."
"That's not people who are healthy to have around your children. I wouldn't want to have them around to do more of the same thing on your child's birthday, either."
"Protecting your child and having a birthday that doesn't include people that blame you for the behavior of your MIL, that's just being a good parent."
"Having such people around for a birthday would spoil the birthday. And it would teach your children to blame others for their own behaviors." - blueberryyogurtcup
"NTA ... mostly.... be VERY careful about using your kids as pawns in a power struggle with relatives though. I agree you should cancel the party at MIL, but have one at your place and extend the invite (hint, they won't come but you look like the bigger person)."
"Don't bar them from sending gifts, it's not your kids fault your MIL is LITERALLY TOXIC."
"I would consider the extra $150 a month a small price to pay to not have to mix family and money. It sounds like your MIL and family could pull the child care rug out from under you at any time and hold it over your head as bargaining leverage to get what they want."
"It may cost a bit more, but the stability and peace of mind you'd get with outside child support is worth it. If you miss just one or two days of work a month because MIL refuses to babysit, you've lost more than $150."
"I would go even further to say I would NEVER trust your MIL to watch the kids unsupervised ever again. The lack of judgement she showed by thinking a shit-sink isn't a big ol' health hazard is staggering... who knows what other lapses in judgement might be waiting around the corner." - Kidd_Gloves_
"NTA. I'd happily pay a little extra for childcare to not have to deal with that nonsense. You pay her to watch your kids and she leaves literal human sh*t all over the place?"
"There's no excuse for that. Sounds like she went crying to her daughters to get them to gang up on you."
"It sucks your kid's birthday is caught up in this mess, but honestly I don't think being around them is smart right now. What's worse, not attending the party or going to the party and having a fight break out?"
"'Hey MIL, could you please not leave sh*t all over the place? Thanks'."
"'W-well, your house is dirty! You're fat and ungrateful!'"
"Astounding that anyone thinks you're the AH here." - PearlStreetBlues
"NTA."
"E.coli isn't the only thing you can get from feces. C. diff[icile] is a thing and I can guarantee you that your kids will be vulnerable to it if they need antibiotics and she continues to take care of them."
"Is it common outside of hospital or long term care settings? No. But that doesn't mean it's never acquired outside of the hospital."
"A lot of people have C. diff in their digestive tract naturally. It generally only becomes a problem when antibiotics kick your digestive flora out of whack."
"(There are other ways to get it, but that's the major cause of it.) If your MIL is not taking care of your kids' a**es properly, do you really trust her to be washing her hands after she sh*ts?"
"I had C. diff when I was in a nursing home for rehab when I had my back fused and it is absolutely horrible. You think a baby blowout is bad?"
"Imagine a massive baby blowout like 6+ times a day, but with the smell of Satan's a**crack in the middle of July. It is not fun and leaves you at serious risk of dehydration, at the very least."
"I cannot imagine what that would feel like for a poor child. Also, C. diff is highly contagious."
"Everyone who came in to see me while I had it was completely covered up with protective pants, gowns, gloves, and masks—imagine what people wear when they treat COVID patients—and all that went into the trash when they left. So if she passes it on, it's entirely possible that your whole family could end up with it."
"Stand your ground and do not let this woman take care of your children. Put them in childcare, where there are actually sanitary standards that won't put your children at risk." - worlds_of_smoke
"NTA ... the sisters in laws made it a big deal. Per your post, you have had issues in the past with her watching your children."
"I agree with canceling the party at her house, BUT, I would host the party at your own home. BTW, put your kids in daycare, they're much more sanitary. Good luck." - mmabear1966
It's unfortunate the parents' concern for their children's health and safety caused a rift in the family.
But it sounds like finding new childcare might be the best solution for everyone.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.