Parenting is tough. Some say, "it takes a village."
But the problem with a village is that invites more people into the picture.
Redditor CharminUltraSoft316 recently learned that lesson the hard way when their mother-in-law was babysitting their sick baby and after a series of unfortunate events more family members got involved.
The original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" to ask if their ultimate reaction was warranted.
They asked:
"AITA for cancelling my son's birthday party because my Mother-In-Law left poop on my toothbrush"
How did the poop on a toothbrush lead to a cancelled birthday party?
"My mother-in-law watches my three kids. They are age 5, 3 and 7 months. My mother-in-law usually watches them and drops them off from school."
"The kids are battling a stomach virus so everyone was home on Monday. The little one had a poop explosion so my mother-in-law washed her butt in our bathroom sink.
"However, she did not clean up after and there was poop all around the sink, on the toothpaste, on the toothbrushes and the little cups that the kids use when brushing their teeth. I have pictures if you guys really want to see."
"This has happened before but it's the first time we said anything. My wife called her mom to be more careful because it's absolutely disgusting and gross."
"My wife is Hispanic so her tone can definitely be aggressive, especially to a gringo like myself, but her mom seemed to understand the frustration."
The story, unfortunately, did not end there.
"However, once her sisters (both in their 30s and single for good reason) caught wind that my wife 'belittled' their mother all Hell broke loose."
"The sisters began defending the mother, calling out how dirty/messy our house is, calling my wife fat and basically just saying how lucky we are to have the MIL [mother-in-law] in our life and it's no big deal. In fact, we're the a-holes for being upset about this."
"I guess the sisters got to my mother-in-law because then MIL came back and started parroting the same talking points about how messy our house is, how ungrateful my wife is and how my MIL cleans our house and cooks for the kids all of the time."
"My 5-year-old son was also at her house this weekend and had an accident where he hershey squirted on the bed cuz he's sick. That was also thrown in our face multiple times."
"They also referred to watching our kids as FAVORS which is weird because they always ask to take them. My mother-in-law says she won't come ever again to watch the kids."
"She no-showed today so I had to call out today to watch the baby which is fine. However, I don't like how the MIL is affecting my job and career with her pettiness as I had some important stuff scheduled today."
"Keep in mind, we pay her $300 (cash) a week to watch the kids. Now I'm going to pay about $150 more per month for someone to watch the kids which is no big deal really."
"However, my son's birthday is tomorrow. They had a big ol' party planned at my mother-in-law's for Saturday."
"However, I have told everyone that we will not be attending the party and we have barred her family from seeing, giving gifts or even speaking to the kids for the time being."
"AITA for cancelling my son's party and not allowing my wife's family to celebrate his birthday on Saturday?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The overall consensus from Reddit released the OP from the burden of being the a**hole.
"Your MIL didn't bother to clean up unhygienic material from your house and is blaming you for having an unclean house? No, that's on her."
"Your kids could have gotten sick from her behavior. Oh, wait, they are. Hmm."
"Your kids are sick, and the mess they make is somehow your fault when MIL is the one doing the caregiving? No. It's not."
"This isn't the first time such things have happened?"
"Get better caregivers. MIL isn't competent. If she can't prioritize safety issues like cleaning up after such things happen, she's not being safe for your children."
"Makes me wonder how often they have gotten sick because of her unsafe lack of cleanliness."
"When your wife complained about MIL's incompetence in childcare, MIL went out and got herself some enablers to support her incompetence? And they attacked your wife and you, insulted you both, etc...?"
"NTA. This is about not spending time with the people that blame and insult you for the things that someone else did. They behaved badly, and are blaming you."
"That's not people who are healthy to have around your children. I wouldn't want to have them around to do more of the same thing on your child's birthday, either."
"Protecting your child and having a birthday that doesn't include people that blame you for the behavior of your MIL, that's just being a good parent."
"Having such people around for a birthday would spoil the birthday. And it would teach your children to blame others for their own behaviors." - blueberryyogurtcup
"NTA ... mostly.... be VERY careful about using your kids as pawns in a power struggle with relatives though. I agree you should cancel the party at MIL, but have one at your place and extend the invite (hint, they won't come but you look like the bigger person)."
"Don't bar them from sending gifts, it's not your kids fault your MIL is LITERALLY TOXIC."
"I would consider the extra $150 a month a small price to pay to not have to mix family and money. It sounds like your MIL and family could pull the child care rug out from under you at any time and hold it over your head as bargaining leverage to get what they want."
"It may cost a bit more, but the stability and peace of mind you'd get with outside child support is worth it. If you miss just one or two days of work a month because MIL refuses to babysit, you've lost more than $150."
"I would go even further to say I would NEVER trust your MIL to watch the kids unsupervised ever again. The lack of judgement she showed by thinking a shit-sink isn't a big ol' health hazard is staggering... who knows what other lapses in judgement might be waiting around the corner." - Kidd_Gloves_
"NTA. I'd happily pay a little extra for childcare to not have to deal with that nonsense. You pay her to watch your kids and she leaves literal human sh*t all over the place?"
"There's no excuse for that. Sounds like she went crying to her daughters to get them to gang up on you."
"It sucks your kid's birthday is caught up in this mess, but honestly I don't think being around them is smart right now. What's worse, not attending the party or going to the party and having a fight break out?"
"'Hey MIL, could you please not leave sh*t all over the place? Thanks'."
"'W-well, your house is dirty! You're fat and ungrateful!'"
"Astounding that anyone thinks you're the AH here." - PearlStreetBlues
"NTA."
"E.coli isn't the only thing you can get from feces. C. diff[icile] is a thing and I can guarantee you that your kids will be vulnerable to it if they need antibiotics and she continues to take care of them."
"Is it common outside of hospital or long term care settings? No. But that doesn't mean it's never acquired outside of the hospital."
"A lot of people have C. diff in their digestive tract naturally. It generally only becomes a problem when antibiotics kick your digestive flora out of whack."
"(There are other ways to get it, but that's the major cause of it.) If your MIL is not taking care of your kids' a**es properly, do you really trust her to be washing her hands after she sh*ts?"
"I had C. diff when I was in a nursing home for rehab when I had my back fused and it is absolutely horrible. You think a baby blowout is bad?"
"Imagine a massive baby blowout like 6+ times a day, but with the smell of Satan's a**crack in the middle of July. It is not fun and leaves you at serious risk of dehydration, at the very least."
"I cannot imagine what that would feel like for a poor child. Also, C. diff is highly contagious."
"Everyone who came in to see me while I had it was completely covered up with protective pants, gowns, gloves, and masks—imagine what people wear when they treat COVID patients—and all that went into the trash when they left. So if she passes it on, it's entirely possible that your whole family could end up with it."
"Stand your ground and do not let this woman take care of your children. Put them in childcare, where there are actually sanitary standards that won't put your children at risk." - worlds_of_smoke
"NTA ... the sisters in laws made it a big deal. Per your post, you have had issues in the past with her watching your children."
"I agree with canceling the party at her house, BUT, I would host the party at your own home. BTW, put your kids in daycare, they're much more sanitary. Good luck." - mmabear1966
It's unfortunate the parents' concern for their children's health and safety caused a rift in the family.
But it sounds like finding new childcare might be the best solution for everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp