There are probably an entire library’s worth of books about the mother son dynamic and the plight of the wife who gets between them.
Not every mother is jealous of and threatened by her son’s wife or creepily possessive of her son’s attention, but the ones who are…
A wife and mother of a toddler and a newborn is dealing with a mother-in-law with no concept of boundaries and a husband who puts his mommy first before his wife or children.
So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Certain-Ad4543 asked:
“AITA for shouting at my husband and throwing my mother-in-law (MIL) out?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) have been married to my husband (36, male)—I’ll refer to him as Alex, fake name—for 7 years and we have 2 children together, a 3-year-old girl and a 2-week-old baby.”
“A week ago my MIL (65, female)—we’ll call her Kathy—had a pretty bad breakup with a long term partner of hers. Following this, Kathy asked Alex if she could stay with us for a while and he obliged.”
“Alex didn’t run this by me, but as this is his mother and she is going through a rough patch, I let it go.”
“Now here’s where the problem begins.”
“MIL has been constantly critiquing my parenting and even inserting herself in me and Alex’s finances. I’m no stranger to her bashing my parenting when we would see her on holidays with my toddler, but this was her first time staying with us for so long.”
“Some of MIL’s bashing goes as follows—baby is mainly formula fed. I want to breastfeed exclusively but my milk supply is low and I’ve been working with my baby’s pediatrician.”
“She goes on long rants about how I’m ‘feeding my baby poison’ and ‘throwing money down the drain’ and how she ‘breastfed her children with no problems!’ and that I ‘need to stop being lazy’.”
“As well as a thousand critiques about how I’m holding my baby too much and I’ll spoil her. No amount of telling her my conversations with my baby’s pediatrician puts an end to this.”
“And when I make my 3-year-old something quick for breakfast or lunch, MIL goes on about how ‘I’m home all day doing nothing and can’t be bothered to cook my child a real meal’.”
“My final straw happened last night.”
“I’m currently on maternity leave—I’m an elementary school teacher. My husband is working and makes about 3x what I make.”
“When my husband got home from work, I asked him to watch the kids for a few minutes while I took a shower. MIL says I’m being lazy and a gold digger and that I expect her son to do all the work and then come home and babysit.”
“MIL said that I had should be able to handle household tasks myself since I was ‘home all the time not doing much’ and frankly I didn’t want her help nor did I want to ask for her help after her first day or two of being at my house.”
“I lost it.”
“I shouted at her to go back to her own house and to mind her own parenting. My husband then said I can’t do that to my own MIL and she lives all on her own now and I was being cruel.
“I shouted at him that she has 3 other children she can stay with, that he lets her get away with talking to his wife that way, and what kind of husband is he.”
“MIL and Alex left. Alex said he’ll stay with his mother for a night or two. I called my sister and mom to come over to help with the kids and to talk to them.”
“I feel like I may be the a**hole because even though Alex has heard many of the remarks she’s made about me and my parenting, I probably should’ve talked to him about it and how it made me feel.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I shouted at my husband and mother-in-law and threw my mother-in-law out of my house.”
“I think I could be the a**hole because I didn’t take the time to have a thought out talk with my husband about how his mother was upsetting me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“A 65-year-old woman who is bereft at a ‘bad breakup’ must really love the drama if she wants to insert herself into a home with a newborn. What a recipe for disaster.”
“It’s not JUST a newborn, it’s a newborn and a THREE-YEAR-OLD.”
“What was your a**hole husband thinking when he invited his mother to stay at your place without even ASKING you right after you gave birth?”
“You are in desperate need of a qualified marriage therapist—and possibly a divorce lawyer.”
“Your husband is nearly a decade older than you are, makes considerable more money than you, and is obviously used to ‘calling the shots’ in your marriage.”
“Does his mother come from a culture where the mother-son relationship is paramount? Or is that just the dynamic that they have leaned into?”
“It’s telling that there are other children that the mother didn’t impose herself on. There’s no legitimate reason why a 65-year-old woman couldn’t sort herself out after a bad breakup—unless she has some disability you haven’t mentioned.”
“It really seems like your MIL’s intent was to harm your marriage. She had a willing accomplice in your husband and there are so many warning signals attached to his choosing to take his mother’s side over yours.”
“You should be protected and defended by your husband—especially after a birth when your body is healing and the demands on you from caring for a newborn are extreme.”
“Was your MIL swanning around your home doing nothing? She could have cooked healthy meals for the whole family, instead of complaining and criticizing you. NTA.” ~ Snapdragon1453
“NTA.”
“1. Your husband invited his mother to stay with you, without asking, when you are 2 wks post-delivery.”
“2. He heard many of her mean remarks and never once stepped in to defend you/tell her to back the hell off and stay in her lane.”
“Your husband owes you a BIG apology before he gets to come back.”
“I don’t even need to get into how much of an a**hole MIL acted like—that one is too damn easy.”
“I’m even wondering how involved your husband is—as a parent—is if he isn’t even aware of the milk supply issue and what the pediatrician has said about other things. Why wouldn’t he even speak up about issues that involve HIS child?” ~ ParsimoniousSalad
“OP, your husband is basically neglecting you and the kids. From your post and comments, it sounds like he has no interest in you or the kids.”
“He is at best neglectful and at worst abusive—or at least willing to stand by while his mother verbally abuses you. He needs to shape up or ship out.” ~ Neature_Nerd
“You are a saint for putting up with him for this long. If I was in your shoes, he would get the boot.”
“Does he do anything for the family apart from going to work? If not, then what is the purpose of keeping him in your life if you are basically solo parenting?”
“I am so pissed off for you. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone respectful, supportive and loving, and who treats you as an equal.”
“It’s your home and guests should not be allowed to talk to you like that, relative or not. Your husband is a big a**hole, your MIL is a super a**hole and you are clearly NTA.” ~ ClerkExciting5337
“NTA and your husband is a sh*tty husband. No matter what he does do to be a good husband, his behaviour and unwillingness to stand up to his mother and understand she is wrong is not OK, and that outranks the parts of being a good husband and makes him a sh*tty one.”
“You need to give him an ultimatum, and come up with an exit plan, just in case it ever gets to that stage.”
“Regardless of her being his mother, you and the kids are his family and it’s your home. She does not get to dictate or disrespect you and he is a crappy husband and father for allowing that behaviour under your roof.” ~ RileysVoice
“NTA. You don’t need to take anyone’s abuse, especially in your own house. However, you have a husband problem.”
“He’s a mama’s boy, and he’s not putting you first. He’s putting mommy first and that’s not right.”
“He should be standing up for you.”
“Also, if he’s going to let her say whatever she wants in your house, you’re more than justified in talking to her any way you want.” ~ Vandreeson
Most Redditors felt it was past time for OP to…
The OP offered an update.
“My mother has bagged up all of my husband’s stuff and put it in the front yard.”
“My dad has joined me and my mother and sister. My parents and sister will be staying with me until who knows when.”
“Right now I’m doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, and have been discussing a lot with my mom, sister, and now my dad as well and they are all with me and helping me figure things out.”
“I feel like Alex has been trying to coax me into being a stay-at-home mom since my toddler was born, but I stayed strong on keeping my teaching job.”
“I’m still a little upset about the situation, but I will say there have been times I felt like I was carrying more of the load when it came to my toddler.”
“With our newborn he has come to a few doctor’s appointments, but he’s said something along the lines of as long as I’m there that’s all that matters since I’m the one who’s home with the baby.”
“I kind of snapped at him when he said that and we were in the midst of discussing all of his lack of parenting right before the MIL situation started to transpire.”
“My brothers-in-law and sister-in-law and their spouses have reached out to me with support. They are not happy with Alex or MIL.”
“My family’s been supporting me as I weigh my options as far as getting a divorce lawyer or demanding some big changes from Alex. Me and my mother are likely going to have some consultations soon to get my ducks in a row.”
“I think that’s covered everything, but I might be forgetting some things.”
It sounds like the OP is taking definitive steps to set boundaries for acceptable behavior with her husband and mother-in-law.
While the OP has some decisions to make, her marriage is really in her husband’s hands. Only he can change his attitude and actions.
Whatever the OP decides, it seems like they have plenty of support from their family and the rest of their husband’s family.