In regards to wedding planning, it’s becoming increasingly common for brides to allow their bridesmaids to choose their dresses, as long as they fit within certain parameters.
But even if the parameters are pretty vague, it stands to reason that a bridesmaid would not try to steal focus from the bride, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Fit-Conclusion-1119 was looking forward to her wedding, including the dresses that her bridesmaids picked that were the best fit for them.
But when one of her bridesmaids showed up in a revealing dress as a “statement piece,” the Original Poster (OP) was left shocked on her wedding day.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for kicking out my bridesmaid for wearing a revealing dress at my wedding?”
The OP was fairly modest to appease her family.
“I (27 Female) got married to my husband (29 Male) last week.”
“I asked my friend from university, Ava (26 Female), to be a bridesmaid.”
“I grew up living with my parents and extended family quite religiously and dressed modestly as my family was very strict and traditional.”
“While I don’t agree with most of their ideas, I do follow them to avoid arguments. My parents don’t share the same ideas and are less religious and have always supported me, but do ask me to respect our extended family’s policies on dressing and culture.”
Ava had a very different approach than the OP.
“Ava is a very passionate feminist, and I know she wouldn’t agree with some of my family’s policies.”
“So before the wedding, I told her to please not say anything at the wedding, and if it upsets her, she can always stay closer to our group of friends.”
“She agreed and said she was coming to support me.”
The OP allowed each of her bridesmaids to pick their own dresses.
“I picked peach as a dress color for all my bridesmaids and told them to pick the style they felt comfortable in, as I didn’t specify a particular dress or shade of peach and gave them all four months’ notice.”
“I only asked for the dress to be modest as my wedding would include some of my extended family.”
“Ava said she was getting her dress custom-made and never showed me a picture as it was still getting made.”
The OP was shocked when Ava showed up on her wedding day.
“At the wedding, she comes in wearing a very tight, revealing peach dress. It was a tight, sleeveless mini-dress.”
“I didn’t think that was wedding appropriate, especially as I requested that my bridesmaids wear modest clothing for the sake of my extended family.”
“My MOH (Maid of Honor) said she would handle it and kicked her out.”
“Ava has said that the dress was her way of expressing herself.”
“She is not talking to me anymore, but I genuinely don’t think I am in the wrong.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had set a boundary.
“NTA. You asked her not to do something, but she did it anyway and created a bit of a sideshow on a day that’s supposed to be all about you and your new husband.”
“I get that she might disagree with your religious extended family. I get that she considers her fashion her way of ‘expressing herself.'”
“There is a time and a place for that, and that wasn’t one of them. If she couldn’t respect your wishes and your guidance for the event, she shouldn’t have come at all.”
“And if she really were your friend, she would have realized all of those things.” – Wolpfack
“A bridesmaid’s main role at the wedding is being a bridesmaid, not focusing on ‘expressing herself’ at the expense of the bride’s request.”
“On top of that, the fact that the bridesmaid never showed OP the dress beforehand also indicates that she knew her dress wasn’t going to meet the criteria of being modest and still made her role about her self-expression anyway rather than about celebrating her friend’s wedding.”
“Sounds like she suffers from main character syndrome. NTA.” – untroddenpath
“The OP said, ‘I know she wouldn’t agree with some of my family’s policies […] before the wedding I told her to please not […] She agreed and said she was coming to support me.'”
“And, ‘I only asked for the dress to be modest as my wedding would include some of my extended family.'”
“And, ‘Ava has said that the dress was her way of expressing herself.'”
“That’s enough for me. I’m inclined to trust the description of ‘very tight, revealing’ and the MOH’s judgment removing her.”
“The dress was a ‘statement’ when modesty was requested, and Ava agreed to be there to support the bride without pushing any agendas that would be controversial or distracting. NTA.” – BobsLobLobsLawBlogs
“Oh COME ON! When you’re asked nicely to dress modestly because of family, and you show up in a really tight, extremely low-cut dress, you d**n well know exactly what you’re doing.”
“She f**king did it on purpose to make a statement. I’m all for people expressing themselves, but OP’s wedding was absolutely not the place. NTA.” – kikazztknrf
“I have a semi-similar situation where I’m going to a friend’s traditional Japanese wedding. I found a dress which I really liked (which would’ve been totally cool for a Western wedding) and asked what she thought about it.”
“She requested something more “understated” and sent some examples of what typical wedding guests in Japan wear. And, no questions asked, I went ahead and bought something more suitable. Even though it wasn’t my taste, it is a lot more appropriate based on her request.”
“It is HER wedding day, and I am a guest. I am there to support her. I can always wear the original dress somewhere else. People need to be respectful. NTA.” – kitttxn
“NTA.”
“In a wedding, the two people marrying are the ones making the rules. Guests are expected to follow them, and bridesmaids and grooms even more!”
“You asked your bridesmaids for a ‘modest’ dress. Ava decided not to listen and tried to make a personal statement during an event that wasn’t hers.” – brisemartel
But others questioned the bride’s decision to exclude her friend.
“What is ‘revealing’? Is she wearing a bandeau top and a mini skirt? Does it look like a bridesmaid’s dress or a Vegas dancer’s costume?”
“Unless it is SO revealing that everyone would be shocked, YTA…”
“The bride gets to pick the bridesmaid’s dresses, but you had a serious lack of oversight in the dress-buying, and the word ‘modest’ varies from person to person.”
“If you said, ‘floor length, with a minimum of cap sleeves,’ people would know what you mean, exactly. You knew what Ava was up to, and you at no point thought to involve yourself.” – Away_Refute8493
“YTA. You gave the bridesmaids free rein over the style, you didn’t ask her to describe it or send pictures, and I bet you didn’t pay for it either.”
“And you’re expecting her to follow a tradition that you don’t agree with, your parents don’t agree with, and your partner and his family don’t agree with.” – Kirstemist
“All I can gather is the dress was form-fitting and sorry but if the shape of a fully clothed woman’s body is offensive then the bride should have given more explicit instructions on what would be appropriate. So without a photo of the dress in question, I am going with OP YTA.”
“Does the bride get to decide what the bridesmaids will wear? Yes.”
“Did the bride set reasonable parameters? Yes.”
“Were they descriptive enough that she would be OK with the choices made? Apparently not.”
“If she was at all concerned, she should have chosen some samples and showed them to the bridesmaids and said “hey this is the color, and these are your style options”. Bride gave them free rein with a very, very ambiguous rule set.” – Wise_Coffee
“Going to say YTA just because ‘modest’ and ‘revealing’ are very subjective, and what your opinion of modest is and what your friend’s opinion of what modest is could wildly differ. This should have been discussed beforehand and hashed out in concrete details.”
“Even if her dress wasn’t ready, you could have given her specifics or just picked a dress style for everyone if it was that big of an issue for your extended family. You didn’t do any of that, so this falls more on you than her.” – r_z_n
“This one is so far away from the world I live in that I’m actually upset for the friend.”
“Shaming women for having bodies doesn’t make sense to me, and if this is a strict religious requirement, then the actual definition of what modesty should have been provided or the dresses chosen by the bride.”
“This is honestly upsetting to me. To go so far as to tell her to leave, it hurts my heart.”
“Modest is subjective, and unless this is an absolutely shocking dress, then definitely YTA.” – ruckusrox
“I’m surprised that a bride who can articulate the (admittedly) excessive degree to which she caters to the (admittedly) antiquated sensibilities of the extended family wouldn’t just pick out her bridesmaid dresses to avoid this problem. It sounds like she knows her friend well enough to know what kind of clothing the friend feels comfortable in, and may have seen this coming.”
“It’s also just really sad that she’s willing to lose this friendship over a principle she doesn’t even believe in herself. OP’s rejection of the agency and discretion she gave her friend in choosing a dress has got to sting as much as OP’s feeling that her friend’s choice didn’t align with her extended family’s ideas of modesty.”
“Because this feels like some kind of friendship test OP knew her friend would fail. YTA.” – UrsinePoletry
The subReddit could understand the frustrations of a bride seeing her wedding party not come together properly, but they were divided over how the big day was handled.
On the one hand, it was pretty clear that a statement piece for a dress was not the right thing to wear at this particular wedding, but on the other hand, if the OP was really so worried about modesty, it may have been better to set strict parameters or even choose the dresses herself.