We've all had one of those items that carries with it incredible sentimental value, no matter what the financial price tag was on it.
It can be really hard when the other people in our life don't understand or appreciate the significance of it to us, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor PROM15E-BEL13VE saved up over 300 dollars to pay for her prom dress and accessories, and she specifically selected a dress she could wear again and again, which gave her a boost in self-confidence. While it was just a dress to other people, it was an important fixture in her life that she paid for herself.
When her mother and grandmother went behind her back and took her former prom dress, with the plans of dramatically altering it for her younger sister, the Original Poster (OP) felt deeply betrayed.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting my sister use my prom dress that I paid for?"
The OP had a prom dress that had become very important to her.
"I know it might seem a bit stupid, but this is important to me. It is currently an argument with my family."
"I (25 Female) had my prom in 2017, and I bought my entire prom outfit for myself due to my family not having the best income. I saved for over a year to be able to buy my dream dress and jewelry (everything in total was about 300 dollars, which is a lot for us)."
"I had an amazing time and that dress is very important to me since I have never had the best self-confidence, and it made me feel beautiful."
"It's not the typical 'prom dress;' it's more of a flowy summer dress, so I've been able to wear it since. Most recently, I wore it to a wedding."
"I didn't bring it with me because I live in a dorm room and I could only bring the essentials with me. Once I move to a bigger place, I plan on bringing all my stuff to my new place. The dress is currently at my cousin's place, and since this happened, I might bring it back with me when I go home."
The OP came up with an alternate solution when her younger sister asked to use the dress.
"Now my sister, Annie (18 Female), is going to her prom later this year, and she asked if she could use my dress as well. She loves it and wishes to use it."
"I told her that I would prefer that she didn't since it is so important to me (I have Autism and ADHD, which make it hard for me to let other people use my things)."
"She said okay and said she at least wanted to ask, but she was fine with finding another dress."
"I said she was welcome to use the jewelry, and she already planned to wear the hair accessories. I also said I'd help pay if she wanted since I am pretty stable in income."
"Annie thanked me and said we could go shopping together."
But the OP's mother and grandmother didn't respect the sisters' solution.
"Now, I live about three hours away from my family due to school and I don't go home often due to not having a car. I came home last week, two days early as a surprise, to visit as my nephews (my cousin's kids; she's like a sister) are getting baptized."
"When I walked through the front door to my parents' house, Annie was wearing my prom dress, and my grandma and mom were taking measurements."
"I asked them what they were doing, and they said that I was being an AH for not letting Annie use it. She is my 'baby sister' after all (my mom's words)."
"I got upset and screamed at Annie to take it off, which I later apologized for. I found out she believed I changed my mind because my mom lied to her and said I had agreed."
"I yelled at my mom and grandma because they tried to go behind my back and even change the dress to better fit Annie. She is 155 pounds, and I was almost 300 pounds when I last wore it, so it would never be my dress again if they altered it."
"I cried and yelled at them. As soon as Annie came back with my dress, I took it and packed it up, saying I'd stay it with me to my cousin's house. I might also take it back to my dorm now and figure out a safe way to store it until I have more room."
The family was divided over the issue.
"Now my family is torn. Some people agree with me and some say I'm an AH for not letting Annie use it."
"I don't feel like I was in the wrong for not letting her use it. After all, it was all my dress that I paid for, and I even offered to pay for her dress!"
"My sister thought I agreed to it. We have talked about it and I apologized for screaming. She also apologized for listening to what our mom said. The two of us are on good terms and I don't blame her for believing our mom."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were baffled by the mother's and grandmother's disrespect of the OP's boundaries.
"It is not sharing, it is stealing."
"Sister asked, was told no, sister respected that no. Mom is the issue here. She does not get to decide what is done with OP's property that OP paid for."
"It is flat-out altering the item. After alterations, OP would never be able to wear the dress again. Taking a garment that is sized to fit someone 300 pounds and trying to make it fit someone 150 pounds is a lot of material on the cutting floor."
"OP doesn't even need to have a 'thing.' No means no. Not wanting one's dress to be chopped up for someone else is a reasonable thing." - Scorp128
"It's a $300 dress that OP paid for that her mother and grandmother were going to steal from her and alter beyond repair for her sister who is a significantly different size than she is. That's not childish. That's theft."
"OP has every right to be upset with her mom and grandmother for trying to steal and ultimately destroy her property without her consent. How would you like it if your mother walked into your closet and started cutting up clothes that you had every intention of wearing again?" - mdm224
"Your mom and grandma had no right to give or lend your dress out. Your original offer to your sister to go shopping with her and help pay for her dress was a legitimate act of generosity."
"You really should store your valued possessions at your own home. It's too easy to lose track of things left in our childhood homes. Our parents do have a right to declutter their own homes and over time may think certain items left behind are abandoned." - toebeantuesday
"NTA. You and Annie had already agreed that you'd help her, just not by letting her destroy your dress."
"If you two were the same size, it might be a different thing. But to modify the dress that much would change it into an entirely different dress, so what would be the point?"
"Now, as to the real AHs. Your mother and your grandmother had no f**king business doing what they did. I am also neurodivergent, and I can guarantee that your unwillingness to share doesn't come from that, but from your upbringing."
"It's not Annie's fault that she appears to be the Golden Child. But you have, I would guess, suffered for it."
"Your mother and grandmother are real AHs. And you can tell them that for me, a mom and grandma." - McDuchess
"NTA, but your mom and grandma sure are. You are an adult who paid for your own gown, and you have made your feelings clear to your sister. Your mom and grandma went behind your back and lied about your change of heart."
"No sense is including her in your anger, unless you believe that she went along and lied to your mom and grandma about what you had said. None of them had the right to do what they did." - FerretLover12741
Others reassured the OP that it was okay to keep something that was important to her.
"NTA."
"Classic case of 'meddling mum'. There was no issue concerning the dress until your mum stuck her nose in and created the problem. Your family needs to respect your belongings, your wishes, and your boundaries that go along with them."
"Not only was she disrespecting your boundaries by letting our sister 'use it', but was also going to completely alter the dress which would've literally just given your sister the dress and ruined all sentimentality the dress has for you."
"If your mum had a photo of herself with a passed-on relative, and someone else wanted to put it in a frame that was smaller than the photo, your mum would be furious if that person were to cut or fold the photo to make it fit in the frame. It wouldn't matter if that person gave the photo back, cos now it wouldn't be the same photo cos it'd be either creased around a certain parameter, or it'd be cut and a bunch of background would be missing."
"Her opting to change your dress is a selfish thing to do on her part because she's not putting herself in your shoes to consider how you'd feel about it."
"My advice; gather anything important to you, get a chest with a lock to put it in, and hide the key well (I suggest either keeping it on you at all times or finding a place where no one will think to look)." - Gamerthon98
"NTA!! I would take everything out of your mom's and grandma's home that is important to you. Buy a heavy-duty chest (you can get some nice ones on clearance-online all the time) with a special steel lock, that you have to saw off an electric saw, if you lose the key. The lock is around 12 to 15 dollars and worth every penny!! She crossed a serious boundary." - East-Excuse199
"Whether we are neurotypical or neurodivergent, our experiences shape who we are and what triggers us. As your mother and grandmother refused to accept that this dress was yours and attempted to guilt you into sharing it after they were caught outright stealing it from you, I suspect this is not the first time you or your possessions have been redistributed by your mother and you've been called selfish for not agreeing."
"Instead of blaming your neurodivergence, ask yourself WHY you should let people have your things? Yes, sharing is important, but everyone has things that belong to them that they don't share and different comfort levels regarding what they will and will not part with. Maybe the reason you are hypersensitive to not letting other people take your things is because, for so much of your life, you weren't allowed to say no."
"To put it more bluntly, will your mother expect you to share your significant with Annie because she's your 'baby sister'? Will you be expected to give Annie your house someday because she's 'family'?" - Historical_Agent9426
"NTA. The moment someone lies about the situation, they are the AH. Your mom and grams are the a**holes here."
"Whatever you feel is important to you, take it with you, and store it safely. Don't trust them with anything important anymore. But do help your sister since she had nothing to do with what happened..." - LisaCabot
"NTA. Your mom and Gramma disrespected boundaries. I am so glad you and your sister worked it out and she was understanding."
"I recommend getting all your important docs and sentimental items and putting them in a locked trunk or locked storage unit until you get a bigger place."
"Since you don't have a lot of space to spare, get those important things out first, and for anything that isn't important to you, leave it behind. You can always replace it if necessary."
"I would also go LC (low contact) with Mom, Gramma, and any other relative on their side."
"They disrespected you and your boundaries and lied to your sister. Period." - mccracken214
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update:
"Thank you all for your help. Please don't blame my sister for this. She and I have talked it out, and we're on good terms. We will buy a dress together once her prom gets closer (May)."
"She's looking at prom dresses online, and once it gets closer to her prom, we, our two sisters and my cousin I mentioned in the original post, will go shopping (our mom already said she will not be coming)."
While a prom dress might just be a dress to most people, the subReddit could understand why this dress was so important to the OP and why she wanted to keep her dress the way that it was rather than let it be altered beyond recognition.
It was clear the OP needed to create some distance between herself and her mother and grandmother, and not just by going back to her dorm.
When she commutes back to her dorm, she should probably take all of her important belongings with her, just in case the two women decide to borrow or alter anything else, and maybe she should think about how much of a presence she wants them to have in her life going forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp