I am beginning to think that weddings are the problem.
We’d discussed drunk weddings, dry weddings, awkward weddings, and shotgun weddings.
There are so many bad wedding stories that we have a category FOR wedding stories.
So what happens when the wedding in question is child-free but a hopeful attendee has a child and no sitter?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Few_Temporary_2185 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
AITA for telling my sister she needs to pay for child care or I’m not going to her wedding?
First, the introductions.
“My (f25) sister’s wedding (F28) is in a couple of months.”
“She recently sent out inventions.”
“I was invited as a regular guest, not a bridesmaid or MOH, since we live a state apart, and obviously, there’s a certain level of involvement and time that goes into being part of a bridal party, which I understand.”
“I want to be there for my sister, and obviously, I’d like to see her get married.”
The complication.
“But the problem is… I’m a single Mom.”
“My son is 6, and when he’s not at school, I need to be home watching him.”
“So being out for hours at a time isn’t really in the cards for me right now. My sister’s wedding is child-free.”
“Since it’s taking place in her state, I’d need to commute, and I’d probably have to be gone from my house for two full days.”
“I can’t have family watch my son since they’ll all be at the wedding. And I don’t really have friends who will babysit for 2 days.”
“I contacted my sister and asked if she’d be willing to let my son come to the wedding with me, and explained he couldn’t be left alone so young and that I didn’t have anyone to watch him.”
“She responded by telling me her ‘no children’ policy was strict, and she wouldn’t make exceptions.”
“I explained my situation again and said I’d need some form of child care or to bring him with me.”
“I then asked her if she would pay me to hire a nanny or babysitter to watch him.”
“She got offended and said ‘children and weddings are both parts of life,’ and I need to ‘just figure it out. It’s my kid, my problem.'”
“Which sure that’s true, but also… her wedding, her making it a problem by not allowing me to bring my kid.”
“I told her she could either pay for my child care or I wouldn’t be going to her wedding.”
“Which all she did was call me ‘ridiculous’ and ‘entitled.'”
“She said she shouldn’t have to pay for my child, and that part of being an adult is knowing how to take care of that kind of thing.”
“I think that’s ridiculous.”
“Money is tight. Child care is expensive.”
“I can’t magically afford for someone to watch my 6-year-old, and most people would just let me bring him to the wedding.”
“My sister says she’s definitely not paying for child care, and ‘I guess you’re not going to the wedding then.'”
“My whole family is mad at me for ‘not being there for my sister.”‘
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Entitlement vs Accommodation?
“YTA.”
“I’ve never heard of a bride/groom being expected to pay for a guest’s childcare.”
“What nonsense.” ~ Veblen1
“I’ve heard of it for child-free weddings where a lot of the guests have young kids.”
“The couple hires a babysitter to watch the guests’ kids in somebody’s hotel room for a few hours.”
“A minor expense in the context of a wedding.” ~ Odd-Help-4293
“We offered this for our guests at our wedding.”
“It cost us a couple hundred bucks for the evening, and I think they had three or four kids, but it allowed people who were traveling to bring their kids and not have to worry about what they were going to do with them.”
“I do not think that is an obligation for anyone, and we were lucky that our venue had space for us to do that even.” ~ lizzlightyear
“It happens sometimes, but it shouldn’t be an expectation” ~ Accomplished-Plan191
“I disagree.”
“You should accommodate out-of-town guests in this way as a matter of courtesy. Part of hosting a wedding is a consideration for the guests as well as the couple’s preferences.” ~ Routine_Comedian4751
“For real?”
“If someone’s going to a wedding and will only be in attendance for 2 hours, sure, maybe it’s reasonable to pay for childcare for a few people.”
“But people with kids should plan on taking care of their kids.”
“I wouldn’t expect someone else to pay for my parking when I’m visiting them, and I don’t expect other people to pay for my food when they’re hosting a night out at a restaurant.”
“And I wouldn’t expect people to budget for hiring babysitters for multiple days and nights for their wedding, either-“
“It’s already super expensive and difficult to arrange. Asking for the couple to be responsible for your children when the party is about them and not you is ridiculous.” ~ JadedOccultist
“Asking a bride a state away, your sister of all people, to pay for childcare for a night or two so you can attend their special event is not unreasonable at all… between sisters?”
“Like?”
“Hey sis, I can’t afford this thing. Do you really want me there?”
“If so, I have to ask can you pay for the childcare so I can attend?”
“Otherwise, I may just have to bow out. If the conversation went like this, and ops sister reacted with her stress and psycho in the moment, it might be fine.”
“But op wasn’t asking unreasonable things?”
“This is across state lines, a travel wedding, and a sister who’s not even a part of the wedding party.”
“It didn’t have to be a screaming match. It could have been oh no, sis, I can’t pay for that with all the wedding expenses. I’m so sorry you can’t come!”
“Like what planet are we living on that it’s abnormal to ask a sister for help in a situation they are being put in by their sister?”
“What the heck?” ~ JoyFulTho
For some, everyone was wrong.
“ESH.”
“OP has no right to demand childcare.”
“It’s her child and her responsibility, not her sister’s.”
“But her sister also has no right to be angry at her sister for not coming.”
“She can choose to have a childfree wedding, but she cannot demand that people with children attend.” ~ Marshmallowloverx
“It does seem that she sent her flying monkeys to shame her sister for not showing up.”
“She also seemed comfortable telling her sister how to parent.”
“ESH for different reasons” ~ Facetunethis
“ESH”
“She is correct. It is your child, so it’s your responsibility to find and pay for child care. Asking her to pay IS entitled.”
“Likewise, when she decided to have a child-free wedding, she did so knowing that some people might not be able to come, so she needs to graciously accept your RSVP of not attending and not get upset about it.” ~ WaywardMarauder
“‘My sister says she’s definitely not paying for child care, and ‘I guess you’re not going to the wedding then.’ My whole family is mad at me for ‘not being there for my sister.”
“Im tore between NAH and ESH for you and your sister (I think the rest of your family should either put in money or shut up).”
“She wants a child-free wedding and you can’t afford to have your kid be watched, so the answer is that you don’t go. I think she could have helped, but I also don’t really think she’s obligated to.” ~ Sufficient_Cat
“I’m leaning ESH because it sounds like the way it was worded made it sound like she expected the sister to pay (even though she doesn’t expect it),”
“And because the sister and family won’t accept not attending as an answer.”
“I probably would have worded it like ‘I’m so sorry but I can’t find anyone to watch my kid and can’t afford a nanny for the duration.”
“If you decide on group babysitting for everyone with kids, I’d be delighted to attend, but otherwise I can only send well wishes'” ~ creatingmyselfasigo
OP did return to add some clarity to her dilemma.Â
“I think some people are misunderstanding the post, so I’ll be more clear.”
“I’m not trying to force my sister to pay for anything, and it’s totally fine if I can’t come. She accepts that, and I just don’t go.”
“It only became a problem when my entire family came after me for not going to the wedding.”
“I’m not mad at my sister for not paying.”
“I’m mad at her for turning the family against me and saying ‘(me) doesn’t want to come to the wedding’ and complaining about me behind my back to my parents.”
“She complained about me not going to the wedding as if I was purposely avoiding it.”Â
The decision was extremely split on this one.
For every YTA there were a few ESH and NTA to go along with it, with the vast majority of responses not disagreeing with OP but instead taking offense to how she asked for the help.
I think this shows the fine nuance between thinking you deserve a certain thing or asking if a certain thing can be provided for your comfort or safety.
One is self-indulgence, the other is self-respect.