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Mom Bans MIL From Seeing Daughter After She Secretly Cut Her Long Hair Without Permission

Hairdresser cutting hair of customer

So many people have a deep attachment to their hair.

That’s why hair care and style are seen as an intimate relationship.

This can be especially true for parents and their kid’s hair.

Cutting a child’s hair without consent can cause quite a dust-up.

Case in point…

Redditor No_Departure_937 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for barring my MIL from seeing my daughter after she cut and straightened my daughter’s hair without permission?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (39 F[emle]) have a daughter Vihana (14 F) with my husband Cole (39 M[ale]).”

“I’m South Asian and my husband and the rest of his family are white.”

“My M[other] I[n] L[aw], Connie had recently taken Vihana over for the weekend at her and my F[ather] I[n] L[aw], Tom (65 M)’s house.”

“They’ve had my daughter over for weekends and holiday stays before so I wasn’t worried about anything happening, and Vihana seemed fine during our morning and nightly phone calls.”

“Today, when my MIL dropped Vihana off, I was shocked to see her almost waist-length hair was now shoulder-length and that it was now straightened.”

“Vihana has been determined to grow her hair out since she was in the sixth grade and has expressed no desire to straighten her normally curly hair before.”

“Vihana was crying and explained to me that her grandma had done this all herself, and lied to her that I gave my permission for my MIL to do this which is why she didn’t mention it when we talked.”

“Needless to say, I was pissed and after comforting my daughter, I told Cole what happened and we talked for an hour about what we should do about the situation.”

“We eventually came to the agreement that my MIL wouldn’t be seeing Vihana alone until she learned to respect Vihana’s boundaries.”

“We ended up calling my FIL to see if he had anything to do with this, and he was horrified when we explained things to him and said that my MIL gave him the same lie about getting my permission to do this.”

“My FIL apologized profusely before hanging up, and I ended up sending a text to my MIL about how she was unable to see Vihana alone until she apologized for what she did and learned to respect Vihana’s boundaries.”

“It was quiet for a while until Cole and I started getting bombarded with texts from both my MIL and my SIL, Lucy.”

“My MIL is furious with me for trying to keep her away from her granddaughter, and for telling My FIL what happened because he’s now staying in a hotel and contemplating their marriage.”

“Lucy is calling me a bi**h for what I did and saying it wasn’t a crime for my MIL to act in my daughter’s best interest even if she went behind my back because clearly, I wasn’t going to take care of her.”

The OP was left to wonder,

“So AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole

“It wasn’t in your daughter’s best interest.”

“It actively went against her desires and her body autonomy.”

“She lied to your daughter, and to her husband, and actively did something she clearly knew was wrong.”

“Well, she gets to pay the price.”

“She’s one of those people who doesn’t believe any boundaries are meant for her and she doesn’t have to respect them.”

“And telling your daughter that you approved… that’s just disgusting.”

“She’s trying to undermine your relationship. Wow. NTA.” ~ corgihuntress

“A discussion about bodily autonomy and boundaries absolutely needs to happen, especially since OP’s kid is a teenage girl.”

“It’s heartbreaking to think she’d need to enforce those boundaries with someone she’s always trusted.”

“When my nieces and nephews were little, they’d be told to give me a hug goodbye.”

“I always told them they never had to hug me if they didn’t want to.”

“The more shy one loved when I offered additional options like a high five, fist bump, or just a wave.”

“Not giving a child the choice to say no can go terribly wrong…”

“If said kid has always been told they have to hug someone to avoid making them feel sad, an abusive adult will use it to their advantage.”

“I know that may sound extreme, but it’s one little thing that can stick with them as they grow up.”

“It helps them enforce boundaries that were established long ago.”

“(It’s almost 2 am, so hopefully I’m explaining it on a way that makes sense).” ~ DragonCelica

“This post is terrifying to me!”

“My daughter is 10, and has been growing her hair out since she was 2.”

“Hair is kind of important to our cultural identity, both men and women alike.”

“But, I married a very white man with very white hair.”

“My S[ister] I[n] L[aw] is a lovely person, but she doesn’t understand non-white hair, and kinda pokes fun at my daughter’s hair, tries to comb it with implemented made-for-white hair, and gets pissed that my daughter’s hair is big and costly and fragile.”

“She literally doesn’t understand that white hair works different than our hair, and that just because my kid is half white doesn’t give her permission to f**k with it.”

“So, she makes little comments to my kids when they are alone.”

“She’s been sneaky suggesting my daughter get a short cut, and has even told her that the texture might change if she ‘starts over fresh.'”

“She tells my daughter how great hair like hers is, because it’s silky and straight, and implies that non white hair is somehow bad.”

“She’s NEVER been racist to me in the 25 years I’ve known her, never said an unkind word about my own hair.”

“But now my husband and I are terrified over it every time they are alone with each other.”

“And thanks to this post, I’m afraid she’ll cut my daughter’s hair without permission.”

“Gonna have my husband talk to her first, get ahead of it.” ~ madeupsomeone

“She was never racist to your face, because you are an adult who can stand up to her, but she is actively being racist to your daughter who is vulnerable.”

“It’s what racists and bigots do: they punch down.”

“Honestly, her cutting your daughter’s hair should be the least of your worries.”

“The bigger, more long-term problem is the sustained psychological damage and internalized self-hatred that each little comment is inflicting.”

“Get your daughter away from her.”

“No unsupervised contact.”

“You don’t need to make a big scene about it, just start quietly lessening opportunities for interaction until your daughter is well out of her sphere of influence.”  ~ Mossycoat-bear

“This is the way!”

“My father makes small jokes about people.”

“While I was growing up, he joked about my looks, my sister’s weight, joked that my friend looked like a dog, etc.”

“Many of his comments were about women knowing their place.”

“They should look cute and not think too much.”

“I was used to it and didn’t see the real harm.”

“When my kids were little, he started in on them and I just stopped visiting.”

“I stopped calling to have him over.”

“They saw him at family gatherings but I didn’t allow them alone with him and called him on every comment.”

“I’m glad they didn’t have to grow up and internalize his comments into negative self-talk the way I have.” ~ Counting-Stitches

“Lucy is calling me a b**ch for what I did and saying it wasn’t a crime for my MIL to act in my daughter’s best interest even if she went behind my back.”

“No, Lucy. MIL firstly doesn’t get to decide all by herself what’s in the best interest of someone else’s child.”

“And No Lucy, it’s not ok to go behind people’s backs.”

“FIL is contemplating his marriage… surely not only because of one incident… it takes a lot more for people to get to a point where they ‘contemplate their marriage.'”

“Maybe MIL is a pathological liar and has done other damage too.”

“And that’s their problem to deal with.”

“So yeah OP, NTA.”

“Keep your MIL away from your kid.”

“I am so sad for your daughter.”

“It takes so much time and effort to grow and maintain hair.” ~ VeraXavier

“NTA. The lying about having your permission is what really gets me.”

“Lying to her granddaughter, lying to her husband… what did she expect to happen?”

“I highly doubt that your FIL is contemplating their marriage because of this, it’s more likely that he tried to confront her about it and she blew up, or maybe it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.” ~ KatKaleen

“She lied, violated a SERIOUS boundary, and hurt your kid (emotionally).”

“You’re being very kind and generous with even giving her a way to regain contact.”

“Scorched earth for years would still make you NTA.”

“Given her reaction to your reaction, I think you’re being too nice.”

“She doesn’t see what she’s done as wrong, which means more shenanigans could follow if she’s allowed contact.” ~ BetweenWeebandOtaku

“NTA… good for you for standing up for your daughter.”

“Don’t listen to anyone telling you your mil was acting in your daughters ‘best interest.'”

“Your daughter is 14, she’s old enough to decide for herself how she wants her hair.”

“Your mil did this without her consent and she was crying after, it clearly wasn’t in her best interest.” ~ smashers04

Well, OP, Reddit is with you.

You have to protect your daughter.

Thankfully, it sounds like you have your husband and FIL on your side.

Trust has been broken and must be restored by your MIL.

Good luck to you and your daughter.