While it's meant to be fun and fulfilling, there are actually a lot of things about dating that make the relationship scene really hard.
That might be especially true for people who are more prone to jealousy or controlling behaviors, when they should put trust into their partner and allow them to be an independent person, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Though she couldn't totally explain why, Redditor throw1118818 was deeply jealous and mistrusting of her husband's high school relationship with a woman who still lived in the area.
When the woman had a child of the same age as her own, the Original Poster (OP) did everything she could to keep her distance.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting husband's ex into a moms' class group chat?"
The OP had a hard time looking past her husband's relationship history.
"My husband and I met in college. Before that, he dated Millie from ages 14 to 17, all through high school."
"When I first met his family, they all seemed to be in awe of me, and it was quite awkward. He explained that his family (and most people in his life before college) believed he and Millie would be together forever."
"I was uncomfortable, but he assured me that he 'loves me and only me.'"
"We had a few fights over things his friends said, but ultimately, it was clear that we were being dumb. I didn't have any problems related to Millie for several years. Everyone seemed to have moved on."
The OP's jealousy resurged when she had kids going to school.
"My husband and I now have three kids. My middle son (age 6) is in the same grade as Millie's son. They are in different classes and I only found out about this after my MIL (Mother-in-Law) passively mentioned it."
"The moms in my son's class created a group chat. A couple of days, ago Millie contacted me and asked if I could add her to this group chat and said that she and her son are having trouble connecting with the other moms/kids and it would be a huge help."
"I was a bit confused as to why she was asking me for permission and how she got my number, but I quickly realized that the other moms probably told her and out of consideration for me wanted her to ask me. I'm not sure. Most of these women grew up with Millie so they 'know everything.'"
"I told her that I couldn't really stop anyone if they wanted to add her, but I'd rather she not join. Besides, it's a class group chat and her son isn't in it."
Millie confronted the OP about her feelings.
"She got upset and asked if I was only saying no because of her history with my husband."
"I said, 'Well, yeah.'"
"She then said I'm being sensitive and petty."
"I told her that I was uncomfortable."
"She said not everything is about me and I'm being selfish."
"I made a sarcastic comment about protecting my peace before firmly telling her she wouldn't change my mind and that neither she nor her son was my responsibility."
"Millie got even angrier and said that I was the only person still hung up over their relationship and that I needed to grow up and stop being so insecure. She also accused me of being elitist."
"She's still at it and will tell anyone who'll listen about how I'm being selfish and how I'm so hung up over the past."
"My husband thinks we're all being ridiculous. He was joking when he said that but I don't know."
"One of the moms in the group chat privately asked me about the whole thing, and she just said, 'Hmm,' so I really don't know what to think."
"They said they weren't going to add her unless I 'gave my permission.'"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn't understand why the OP felt so insecure about a high school girlfriend.
"YTA."
"Why exactly are you still jealous of a woman who has clearly moved on and has her own family?"
"She's right about everything she said to you."
"Explain to me exactly where she has acted in anyway that makes you uncomfortable, because it sounds like this is all in your head and you are being petty."
"Grow up." - GreekAmericanDonut
"My god, you are so insecure. Your marriage must be awful for you to be this insecure and jealous of someone your husband dated in high school. You were a high school mean girl, weren't you?"
"You need to grow up and stop being such a brat. I highly suggest therapy to deal with these ridiculous insecurities. YTA." - Fearless-whereas-84
"This kind of insecurity is so juvenile, I almost can't believe this post is written by an actual adult. This whole thing sounds like it was written by a high school student who is trying to imagine a grown-up relationship."
"My husband and I dated in high school, broke up, dated other people in our friend group, and got back together after college (we've now been married 16 years, 17 years in June)."
"It would never occur to me to be jealous of one of his ex-girlfriends like this even when I was straight out of college and just reconnecting with him. I was definitely not the odds-on favorite for his future wife, either (nor was he for my future husband). My husband's exes are my friends, and my exes are his friends. It's ancient history."
"If OP is an adult, I'd say she needs to grow up and get ahold of herself." - Chance_Novel_9133
"YTA. Your marriage cannot be going well if you are mean and jealous to a woman who dated your husband when they were teenagers."
"You are using a perceived power (over a parent chat group, for f**k's sake) to block her and her child from getting support just because you don't like someone who needs help and was your husband's boyfriend as a teenager."
"Why do you hate her so much that you would block her from getting support from a parent's group chat?"
"You are so the a**." - Disastrous_Oil3250
Others could not believe the OP openly admitted to her insecurities to so many people.
"I would never give another woman the satisfaction she gave Millie, and I'd eat a shoe before my grown-a** admitted I was insecure about someone else's three-year high school relationship! This is wild."
"And the OP even did this for no real reason. The girl never even did anything to her. I have to assume that Millie is way more attractive." - Babycatcher2023
"I don't say this about much, because for most things I don't judge, but how is OP not embarrassed?" - shesellsdeathknells
"My child's school has two classes per grade, and the kids are shifted around each year. All the kids have friends in the other class and communication between kids in different classes is in no way discouraged. They have lunch and recess together, so frequently play together."
"For whatever reason, Millie's son is struggling with his current classmates. Maybe all the friends he made last year are in the other class this year. Maybe his class is mostly girls. Who knows?"
"What is certain is that OP is acting like an AH. She sees a child struggling to make friends and thinks the best idea is to continue to isolate him because her husband dated the kid's mom at age 14!"
"OP is nuts, and an AH." - Neither-Bookkeeper39
"How insecure can a grown-a** woman with kids be that she'd begrudge another parent joining a school group? What, exactly, is she afraid will happen? High school is over, everyone has moved on without drama, so inventing some makes zero sense."
"I'm guessing the other moms know that OP will start drama, which is why they're running it by her. I would absolutely die before I'd let myself become known as the petty, insecure person inexplicably mad that my husband was not stored in mothballs before my unwrapping him. Yikes." - Puppersnme
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I can admit that I'm being insecure and sensitive."
"Why… I honestly don't really know, either. I'm disappointed I can't be cool about it. But while it hasn't been mentioned for a long time, I don't even want to risk hearing about 'what could've been' or 'true love.'"
"These were actual things that were said to me and again, it's certainly fair to say I'm being stupid because why on earth would people mention high school drama, but a lot of the people here are the types who peaked in high school and have no personality besides their youth."
"I do understand that I'm the a**hole, though. I'll let the other moms know that they shouldn't let me stop them, but I won't say I'm comfortable with it."
"I do feel a little crazy but I can't deny that I'm not uncomfortable no matter all the 'you do realize he married you' comments. I'll still let the other moms know that they can add her and not let me stop them as I'm being a little silly."
"You can tell me that I did wrong without making assumptions and wishing things on me and my kids."
"But no need to make odd assumptions about me. My marriage is going pretty well. And I was not a mean girl in high school, how'd you even come to that conclusion?"
"Regardless, I appreciate the advice and plan on learning from this."
The OP also took some advice from the thread.
"I took your advice. I've apologized to Millie and the other moms. It was slightly awkward but everything's good."
"She's going to make a group chat for her son's class instead of joining ours. Her reason for joining was quite stupid and both of us were being set up in a sense… some of the women here have nothing to do… it's a very rural small town after all."
"We both feel stupid for falling for it and I think we both knew we were entertaining bored moms, but the stress of life made us ignore that, and we both needed to yell at someone."
"She also apologized for trying to rile me up. We're not friends and likely will never be, but we have no hard feelings towards each other."
"Posting here was a little crazy, but I had some really nice people message me some advice. While everyone does seem a little obsessed with trying to make sure I understand that I'm nothing but an insecure b***h, I still appreciate the wake-up calls."
"I don't mind the harsh criticism at all because it made me realize that I do need therapy for another reason that I won't be sharing (and no, you won't be able to guess). I still will have to find time, though, because I work, have three young children, a husband, and several other responsibilities."
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye this situation and wonder why the OP was making this such a huge problem. While none of us might like thinking about our partner's past dating history, turning it basically into our entire personality really isn't the right plan, either.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp