While it’s meant to be fun and fulfilling, there are actually a lot of things about dating that make the relationship scene really hard.
That might be especially true for people who are more prone to jealousy or controlling behaviors, when they should put trust into their partner and allow them to be an independent person, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Though she couldn’t totally explain why, Redditor throw1118818 was deeply jealous and mistrusting of her husband’s high school relationship with a woman who still lived in the area.
When the woman had a child of the same age as her own, the Original Poster (OP) did everything she could to keep her distance.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not letting husband’s ex into a moms’ class group chat?”
The OP had a hard time looking past her husband’s relationship history.
“My husband and I met in college. Before that, he dated Millie from ages 14 to 17, all through high school.”
“When I first met his family, they all seemed to be in awe of me, and it was quite awkward. He explained that his family (and most people in his life before college) believed he and Millie would be together forever.”
“I was uncomfortable, but he assured me that he ‘loves me and only me.'”
“We had a few fights over things his friends said, but ultimately, it was clear that we were being dumb. I didn’t have any problems related to Millie for several years. Everyone seemed to have moved on.”
The OP’s jealousy resurged when she had kids going to school.
“My husband and I now have three kids. My middle son (age 6) is in the same grade as Millie’s son. They are in different classes and I only found out about this after my MIL (Mother-in-Law) passively mentioned it.”
“The moms in my son’s class created a group chat. A couple of days, ago Millie contacted me and asked if I could add her to this group chat and said that she and her son are having trouble connecting with the other moms/kids and it would be a huge help.”
“I was a bit confused as to why she was asking me for permission and how she got my number, but I quickly realized that the other moms probably told her and out of consideration for me wanted her to ask me. I’m not sure. Most of these women grew up with Millie so they ‘know everything.'”
“I told her that I couldn’t really stop anyone if they wanted to add her, but I’d rather she not join. Besides, it’s a class group chat and her son isn’t in it.”
Millie confronted the OP about her feelings.
“She got upset and asked if I was only saying no because of her history with my husband.”
“I said, ‘Well, yeah.'”
“She then said I’m being sensitive and petty.”
“I told her that I was uncomfortable.”
“She said not everything is about me and I’m being selfish.”
“I made a sarcastic comment about protecting my peace before firmly telling her she wouldn’t change my mind and that neither she nor her son was my responsibility.”
“Millie got even angrier and said that I was the only person still hung up over their relationship and that I needed to grow up and stop being so insecure. She also accused me of being elitist.”
“She’s still at it and will tell anyone who’ll listen about how I’m being selfish and how I’m so hung up over the past.”
“My husband thinks we’re all being ridiculous. He was joking when he said that but I don’t know.”
“One of the moms in the group chat privately asked me about the whole thing, and she just said, ‘Hmm,’ so I really don’t know what to think.”
“They said they weren’t going to add her unless I ‘gave my permission.'”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn’t understand why the OP felt so insecure about a high school girlfriend.
“Why exactly are you still jealous of a woman who has clearly moved on and has her own family?”
“She’s right about everything she said to you.”
“Explain to me exactly where she has acted in anyway that makes you uncomfortable, because it sounds like this is all in your head and you are being petty.”
“Grow up.” – GreekAmericanDonut
“My god, you are so insecure. Your marriage must be awful for you to be this insecure and jealous of someone your husband dated in high school. You were a high school mean girl, weren’t you?”
“You need to grow up and stop being such a brat. I highly suggest therapy to deal with these ridiculous insecurities. YTA.” – Fearless-whereas-84
“This kind of insecurity is so juvenile, I almost can’t believe this post is written by an actual adult. This whole thing sounds like it was written by a high school student who is trying to imagine a grown-up relationship.”
“My husband and I dated in high school, broke up, dated other people in our friend group, and got back together after college (we’ve now been married 16 years, 17 years in June).”
“It would never occur to me to be jealous of one of his ex-girlfriends like this even when I was straight out of college and just reconnecting with him. I was definitely not the odds-on favorite for his future wife, either (nor was he for my future husband). My husband’s exes are my friends, and my exes are his friends. It’s ancient history.”
“If OP is an adult, I’d say she needs to grow up and get ahold of herself.” – Chance_Novel_9133
“YTA. Your marriage cannot be going well if you are mean and jealous to a woman who dated your husband when they were teenagers.”
“You are using a perceived power (over a parent chat group, for f**k’s sake) to block her and her child from getting support just because you don’t like someone who needs help and was your husband’s boyfriend as a teenager.”
“Why do you hate her so much that you would block her from getting support from a parent’s group chat?”
“You are so the a**.” – Disastrous_Oil3250
Others could not believe the OP openly admitted to her insecurities to so many people.
“I would never give another woman the satisfaction she gave Millie, and I’d eat a shoe before my grown-a** admitted I was insecure about someone else’s three-year high school relationship! This is wild.”
“And the OP even did this for no real reason. The girl never even did anything to her. I have to assume that Millie is way more attractive.” – Babycatcher2023
“I don’t say this about much, because for most things I don’t judge, but how is OP not embarrassed?” – shesellsdeathknells
“My child’s school has two classes per grade, and the kids are shifted around each year. All the kids have friends in the other class and communication between kids in different classes is in no way discouraged. They have lunch and recess together, so frequently play together.”
“For whatever reason, Millie’s son is struggling with his current classmates. Maybe all the friends he made last year are in the other class this year. Maybe his class is mostly girls. Who knows?”
“What is certain is that OP is acting like an AH. She sees a child struggling to make friends and thinks the best idea is to continue to isolate him because her husband dated the kid’s mom at age 14!”
“OP is nuts, and an AH.” – Neither-Bookkeeper39
“How insecure can a grown-a** woman with kids be that she’d begrudge another parent joining a school group? What, exactly, is she afraid will happen? High school is over, everyone has moved on without drama, so inventing some makes zero sense.”
“I’m guessing the other moms know that OP will start drama, which is why they’re running it by her. I would absolutely die before I’d let myself become known as the petty, insecure person inexplicably mad that my husband was not stored in mothballs before my unwrapping him. Yikes.” – Puppersnme
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I can admit that I’m being insecure and sensitive.”
“Why… I honestly don’t really know, either. I’m disappointed I can’t be cool about it. But while it hasn’t been mentioned for a long time, I don’t even want to risk hearing about ‘what could’ve been’ or ‘true love.'”
“These were actual things that were said to me and again, it’s certainly fair to say I’m being stupid because why on earth would people mention high school drama, but a lot of the people here are the types who peaked in high school and have no personality besides their youth.”
“I do understand that I’m the a**hole, though. I’ll let the other moms know that they shouldn’t let me stop them, but I won’t say I’m comfortable with it.”
“I do feel a little crazy but I can’t deny that I’m not uncomfortable no matter all the ‘you do realize he married you’ comments. I’ll still let the other moms know that they can add her and not let me stop them as I’m being a little silly.”
“You can tell me that I did wrong without making assumptions and wishing things on me and my kids.”
“But no need to make odd assumptions about me. My marriage is going pretty well. And I was not a mean girl in high school, how’d you even come to that conclusion?”
“Regardless, I appreciate the advice and plan on learning from this.”
The OP also took some advice from the thread.
“I took your advice. I’ve apologized to Millie and the other moms. It was slightly awkward but everything’s good.”
“She’s going to make a group chat for her son’s class instead of joining ours. Her reason for joining was quite stupid and both of us were being set up in a sense… some of the women here have nothing to do… it’s a very rural small town after all.”
“We both feel stupid for falling for it and I think we both knew we were entertaining bored moms, but the stress of life made us ignore that, and we both needed to yell at someone.”
“She also apologized for trying to rile me up. We’re not friends and likely will never be, but we have no hard feelings towards each other.”
“Posting here was a little crazy, but I had some really nice people message me some advice. While everyone does seem a little obsessed with trying to make sure I understand that I’m nothing but an insecure b***h, I still appreciate the wake-up calls.”
“I don’t mind the harsh criticism at all because it made me realize that I do need therapy for another reason that I won’t be sharing (and no, you won’t be able to guess). I still will have to find time, though, because I work, have three young children, a husband, and several other responsibilities.”
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye this situation and wonder why the OP was making this such a huge problem. While none of us might like thinking about our partner’s past dating history, turning it basically into our entire personality really isn’t the right plan, either.