Gender roles and norms are being broken and reconstructed every day.
Over the last several decades, enormous strides have been made to shake up the gender dynamic.
Sometimes women go back to work, and men stay at home with the kids.
Often, men cook and clean, and the women mow the lawn.
It’s a whole new world.
But there seem to be a lot of people who still haven’t received the message.
Case in point…
Redditor Adept_Conclusion_55 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for yelling at my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] after he woke me up and told me to make dinner while we were staying at his house?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 39 F[emale] my husband Tom 37 M[ale] and 2 sons 12 M were recently in a house fire and lost our home but luckily we were all out of the house when this happened.”
“Tom’s brother Sean 40 M and his wife agreed to let us stay at his place with their kids while we sort out insurance.”
“I don’t like Sean as he believes in traditional gender roles in a household.”
“We have had issues since he realized I would keep my maiden name at work, which I informed him was none of his business and my personal choice.”
“He works full time and his wife is a housewife.”
“When we had our sons, Sean thought I would quit my job as a doctor and become a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om].”
“However Tom became a S[tay] A[t] H[some] D[ad] instead and then went back to work after our sons went to school and doesn’t share the same thought process as Sean.”
“Sean clearly disproves of this and me and vocalized his thoughts about the situation.”
“I got Tom to speak to Sean and he has left us alone since, but occasionally used to make comments at holidays and birthdays about it, which I ignored.”
“They stopped when Tom returned to work, and since then, Tom says Sean has grown as a person.”
“Tom and Sean are very close, and I would never tell him to stop talking to him, but I personally interact as little as possible with Sean.”
“My sons’ school and Tom’s workplace are within walking distance from Sean’s house which is why I agreed to stay and suck it up while we get back on our feet as it is temporary.”
“Yesterday was a very hectic day at work, and I was exhausted.”
“My shift ended midday and I went straight to bed.”
“Everyone was out of the house; Sean and Tom went to work, the kids were at school, and Sean’s wife went to see a friend.”
“Sean got home first and woke me up.”
“I was upset and still tired, and when I asked him why, he said I should start on dinner as it was getting late and his wife was out and not picking up her phone.”
“Usually I do the cooking in the house with his wife, but I was upset that Sean had woken me up and yelled at him to not disturb me.”
“I kicked him out of the room and told him I was going to back sleep and he could sort out his own dinner.”
“When I woke up that evening, Sean told me that while I was under his house I needed to respect his house rules.”
“I told him he could’ve cooked himself, heated leftovers in the fridge, or got takeaway.”
“Tom thinks that Sean did overstep by waking me up and making demands, but I shouldn’t have yelled and escalated the situation.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Sean told me that while I was under his house I needed to respect his house rules.”
“Normally, I agree with this sentiment.”
“However, rules I think of generally refer to keeping clean and respecting property.”
“Making a rule strictly based on your gender is unreasonable.”
“You are not obligated to cook every day for a grown man. NTA.” ~ mdthomas
“Sean didn’t take into account any other aspect or circumstance and completely disrespected his S[ister] I[n] L[aw].”
“He is a misogynist and seems awful, to be honest.”
‘I could go on and on as it pertains to this.”
“I’m sure contributions to the household were discussed to some degree before they moved in, and OP or her husband likely would have still aided in the cooking without any type of agreement since they are living there and have kids.”
“But an agreement doesn’t mean there’s no room for flexibility or acknowledging that the conditions of our lives can make each day look a little different.”
“An agreement doesn’t mean OP or her husband will have the ability or desire to cook every day.”
“That’s expected and entirely ok because that’s just part of being human.”
“There may be days where OP doesn’t contribute to dinner, and she and her husband would need to have a dinner plan separate from her in-laws so her SIL doesn’t feel obligated to feed extra mouths (we already know none of the dinner arrangements would have fallen onto BIL’s shoulders).”
“The fact her BIL didn’t take into account that OP may need a break for a day or extra time to rest is concerning but not surprising.”
“But I think we can safely assume he doesn’t often consider the needs of women if those needs jeopardize his comfort and unflinching expectations.”
“I doubt he offers his own wife a break from the routine and labor of household duties and childcare.” ~ Friendly_Rate176
“Dude’s a grown man and if he’s not capable of making his own dinner, then he needs to talk to his momma about why she didn’t teach him.”
“My mother started teaching me to cook as soon as I was tall enough to reach the burners on our stove safely.”
“It’s about respecting the house and not disturbing the routines of that house if you can.”
“Don’t play music at odd hours of the night, don’t track mud on the carpets, ETC.”
“Not you are under my roof and my personal chef, maid, butler, or handyman.”
“NTA – OP I would suggest finding alternative housing as soon as possible because obviously, this is not going to be the end of this behavior.” ~ False-Importance-741
“Wow. A fully capable adult wakes up another adult to get her to make dinner for him.”
“That’s so mind-blowingly rude and ridiculous.”
“I really wanted to say something about how if you could have been calmer, that would have been better, but I just can’t imagine how you could get pulled out of sleep and *calmly* explain to this walking anachronism that he’s capable of using a microwave.”
“You’re just 100% NTA.” ~ bigcup321
“NTA and something tells me Sean has been waiting for something like this to happen for years just so he can try to ‘put you in your place.'”
“Hopefully you get the insurance sorted quickly…” ~ Silver_King_Gary
“NTA. I’m more surprised you aren’t calling him out for entering your room while you are sleeping.”
“Also you aren’t living under his rule. You were offered space as guests.”
“That does not include making your brother dinner.”
“IF ANYTHING THEY SHOULD BE MAKING IT FOR YOU.”
I”‘m sorry your house burnt down. That truly sucks.”
“I hope insurance sorts itself quickly, and you can move out again.”
“Honestly, NTA for yelling also as they entered the room you were sleeping in. That is f’d up.” ~ RsHoneyBadger
“NTA. Seems to me like Sean didn’t take you in out of the goodness of his heart. He took you in so he could have a second servant.” ~ LifeOnMarsden
OP came back with an Update…
“I spoke to a friend who said we are welcome at her house.”
“I told my husband I was leaving with the kids, and he was welcome to join me or stay at Sean.”
“My BIL didn’t tell my husband the whole story and said I just flat out refused to cook and then yelled at him out of tiredness.”
“One of the conditions on us staying was that we would cook and help out around the house.”
“I was upset that my husband believed Sean, but he didn’t have the full story.”
“In our culture, we place a big emphasis on respecting elders, and I know I feel uncomfortable opposing elder relatives on my side of the family, so I get why my husband does struggle.”
“This experience has made me put down my foot down though, and I have told my husband I don’t want our sons anywhere near Sean.”
“I think this has also been an eye-opener for my husband, and he has agreed to move out with me, although BIL asked him to stay.”
“When we get our place sorted only SIL and my kid’s cousins will be allowed over.”
“My SIL has called to apologize for BIL’s behavior and I have not heard from him at all.”
“He was silent to me and only talked to my husband and the kids.”
“I agreed to move in with BIL as I believed he had changed in his beliefs and it had been a few years since our last fight, but apparently not.”
“Also the house belonged to my husband’s late parents and he owns half of it.”
“With our insurance, they have finally ruled the fire as a faulty electrical in our kitchen, so we will get a place of our own by Friday.”
“Thank you, everyone, for the support in the comments.”
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is firmly with you.
And it also seems like you have this all sorted out.
You have to put yourself first.
Hopefully, one day your BIL will catch up with the times.
Good luck with getting the new house in order.
Glad you’re all safe.