It's so easy to hurt someone's feelings.
And it's incredibly easy NOT to.
Sometimes, people don't realize they're being cruel.
And that can cause others to lash out.
This is especially true when it comes to partners in love.
Nobody knows how to cut deeper than the person who holds your heart.
Case in point...
Redditor Big_Theory7747 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for commenting on my partner's lack of a hairline when he keeps making comments about my weight?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We had a daughter last year, and I've put on about 30 pounds."
"Now, even though I've gained weight, I don't think I'm fat."
"My legs have just gotten thicker."
'Anyways, my husband keeps making comments saying that I haven't stopped eating since I've gotten pregnant."
"Yesterday, I was preparing a bottle for our daughter when he said, 'Why don't you move out the way, you don't see you're big?'"
"He tried to play it off after and said he was just talking about my butt."
"It really hurt my feelings, so I said, 'At least a fat person can lose weight, but your hair is never gonna grow back."
"For context, he's 27 but the front of his hair and the middle have thinned out a lot."
"He's very self-conscious about it to the point that he won't leave the house without a hat, and he'll turn back around if he realizes that he forgot to take it with him."
"He's been angry at me since I made the comment, but I felt like if he keeps talking about my weight, then I can talk about his hairline."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared everyone involved was the A**hole.
"It isn't just about whether or not these comments are hurtful to OP."
"They're going to be internalized by her daughter and may cause serious issues with her body image, relationship with food, and relationships with others (as she is learning that this is an appropriate way for a woman to be treated by someone who purportedly loves her) later in life."
"Marriage counseling, STAT." ~ disgruntled-rabbit
"If it's too hot, then get out of the kitchen."
"Tell him that his remarks hurt your feelings; it doesn't matter if he's just joking."
"If he doesn't want you to slap back with something, he shouldn't have remarked on your weight."
"Note: Many men lose their hair."
"There are a lot of sexy bald men and a lot of sexy thick women."
"We need to stop making them insults." ~ Darkling82
"I'm going to add to this: breastfeeding makes most people retain weight on their midsection."
"No matter what you do, going to the gym won't do much."
"You are hungry no matter how mindful you try, and if you cut back on calories, your supply takes a dip."
"I experimented with calorie intake from 1,800 my pre-pregnancy daily to 2,500 my breastfeeding minimum to 3,000 my maximum."
"I worked our 5x a week but could not shake off the remaining 15 lbs."
"I slowly weaned, and as my supply dipped, my appetite decreased, and weight loss happened."
"It's not instant, and unless you're fully weaned, you still hold on to weight."
"This is how most people are—those who lose weight over it aren't the norm."
"Post-partum is already so so hard on women, coupled that with motherhood and household management, having unsupportive partners who push your buttons is not at all helpful."
"Is OP being petty? Absolutely."
"Was it deserved? Sorry, yes."
"There's only so much you can take."
"Post-partum weight gain isn't easy to remove."
"A lot of hormonal factors are in play."
"It's not going to be forever, yes, but all things considered, the husband should've been more understanding."
"Maybe he should carry a baby full term and also feed it." ~ dominiquetiu
"NTA. Speaking as someone who has had weight problems and has done the weight loss fight, losing weight isn't as easy as a lot of people think it is."
"And you just had a baby."
"Your body is recovering from supporting two people."
"Your husband needs to do less criticizing and more helping."
"That said, also speaking as someone with very little hair, your comeback was perfect!"
"He needs to understand how hurtful his comments were and, if he is going to dish it out, he needs to be able to take it as well and, if he can't, he needs to keep quiet." ~ bamf1701
"NTA. Agree with this!"
"I hate people who can dish it out but can't take it."
"Oh, and suddenly, it wasn't meant to be hurtful when they were being shi**y to you, BUT they sure can't take even a SMIDGEN of what they dish out."
"DO THIS EVERY TIME UNTIL HE LEARNS OR LEAVES!!"
"DO NOT TOLERATE THIS BEHAVIOR!!"
"I'd quit doing so many things for him, but I return what energy I receive." ~ Bestheatherever
"ESH- Why are you two being so mean to each other?"
"INFO: Has he always been negative about your appearance, or is this something new?"
"You have a young child. You both sleep-deprived and snarly, maybe?"
"Whatever it is, you need to get to the bottom of it and stop sniping at each other."
"It's not fair to you or your daughter." ~ HRProf2020
OP responded...
"No, he hasn't always been like this."
"Overall, he's usually loving and not mean-spirited."
"He just keeps making these little comments about my weight, even though he knows that I'm insecure about the weight gain and that I am actively trying to lose it."
Reddit continued...
"OP, please listen to this."
"We've had four kids and my wife put on weight every time."
"She's very petite, so even 10lbs would be noticeable on her… except I didn't notice."
"To me, she was just as beautiful (and hot) as always."
"Only now that our youngest is almost ten and she's the slimmest she's ever been done I realize that she was a bit chunkier after the kids were born."
"I'm the kind of guy that notices everything (well, almost), but I didn't notice that, and it took looking at photos from each pregnancy to realize she had extra weight after each one."
"My take on this is, if he really loved you, the extra weight - after pushing a whole actual human out of your hoohaa - wouldn't make any difference at all."
"The fact that he makes these snide remarks, knowing it upsets you, speaks volumes."
"Because I know what it's like to lose it when someone hones in on your weak spot, I'm going to go with NTA." ~ gooderj
"Yes! Exactly! What if OP chooses not to care about the weight, thinking time spent with her family is more important than gym/diet time?"
"Is he going to jab her sore spot for years?"
"He's proved his virility with a newborn daughter."
"Does he need a 'hot' wife to prove that, too? Why is he focusing on the hair loss?"
"There's an insecurity issue that needs to be spoken about along with the downright meanness."
"I call NTA." ~ likeablyweird
"NTA. He started it. You finished it. Don't apologize."
"His feelings are not more important than yours."
"He'll either realize how profoundly cruel he's been to his wife, the woman he's supposed to love, or he will double down."
"In which case, you should probably reconsider if you want to be married to a man who thinks he can routinely insult and demean you."
"And think long and hard about your daughter watching this dynamic, thinking that this is how SHE should be treated by her partner going forward." ~ Cursd818
"JAH- justified a**hole. The comment from you was rude, but his comments are repetitive and thoroughly uncalled for."
"Classic fragile masculinity--wants to dish it, but he can't take it."
"Your line made me laugh, by the way, because you are 100% correct." ~ PomoWhat
"ESH (for this specific response alone; I feel there's a lot more to this; see below)."
"Responding in kind was an AH move, but he absolutely deserved that."
"But the bigger question is why is he demeaning your size when you are happy with your body as is, and the reason you have gained weight is because you made a literal person - his child, to be precise."
"Has he done this with other stuff?" ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
"You had a baby 1 year ago. It's not bloody easy dropping the weight."
"It took me two years to lose it after having my wee boy."
"And not once did my husband ever mention anything about my weight other than I was beautiful and didn't need to lose anything."
"Absolutely disgusting way to talk to his wife who just gave him a child NTA. He deserved the comeback." ~ Independent-Tea8516
"ESH. Sounds like both partners might benefit from learning some communication skills."
"Insulting someone and then passing it off as a joke is not funny."
"Anyone who saw the Golden Globes got THAT lesson with the opening monologue."
"Don't start this in your marriage."
"No one benefits. Learn to communicate. BOTH of you."
"There is no reason to be hurtful, but it takes talking to EACH OTHER (not some social media platform) to make that change."
"It really is worth it." ~ WTH_JFG
OP came back for a moment...
"I see a lot of people in the comments asking if I gained the weight after the pregnancy."
"It was during the pregnancy."
"People are also saying I can control my weight and I should be going to the gym."
"I do work out when I have the time."
"Finding time to go to the gym is very different for a father than it is for a mother."
"Yes, I know two wrongs don't make a right, and when I calmed down, I realized I should've handled it in a better way."
"Thanks for all the feedback."
Well, OP, most of Reddit seems to be behind you.
It sounds like some therapy may be in order for both of you.
Situations like these can fester a lot of resentment and hurt feelings.
And then that could carry to your daughter.
Best to get it all out now.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp