While parents may not like to think about it, their kids are going to grow up sometime and, in the vast majority of cases, will also move out of their house.
Some parents handle this truth better than others, especially when something serves as a stark reminder that their child has grown up, like their "little girl" buying her first house, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor CalendarDad was impressed with his college-age son when he came home with a calendar that he participated in making, which funded his rowing team and also donated to charity.
But when his wife found out what was really in that calendar, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure how to appease both of them.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for 'devastating' my wife over our son's nude calendar?"
The OP's son recently participated in his rowing team's calendar photoshoot.
"So my (45 Male) son Cole is a freshman college athlete, getting a jump on training."
"Apparently, there is a British college rowing team that puts out a +beefcake+ nude calendar of their team as a fundraiser. Apparently, it has become quite a thing and is relatively famous."
"I guess the boys got together and decided to do the same thing. High-quality printing and absolutely A+ photography, and came up with a really slick product."
"It is selling well on campus, and at this point, it's going to be on pretty much every girl's dorm wall (and some guys' walls as well)."
"They've made decent money to help fund the team, but MOST donated to a children's cancer charity, which is pretty amazing."
The OP's wife was not equally enthused about the project.
"We didn't know anything about this until Cole came home and proudly presented us with a copy (his month is May)."
"It did not go well. His mother almost had a stroke. Wailing. Hyperventilating. Weeping."
"Apparently, she is too 'mortified for words' to comprehend that a bunch of college girls are going to have a picture of 'her baby' in the buff on their walls for one month. And 'What will her friends think?'"
The OP didn't agree with his wife's concerns.
"I think it's ridiculous. A calendar of naked guys is nothing to get worked up over. They're all technically adults, and I'm proud of the boys' ingenuity and confidence. I'm sure it took some balls to do that (figuratively, not only literally). And to give the money to charity... is amazing."
"I told my wife that she should lighten up, that if I looked as good as he did at that age and had been as handsome and tan and fit, I would have done it too."
"Also, the calendar is NOT X-rated and is NOT porn. Okay, it's pretty d**n racy and is definitely pushing the limits, but no one's 'business' is really exposed thanks to judicious poses and props and such, although they are definitely pushing that 'exposure' to the absolute max."
"I have to admit, if anything were shifted the tiniest bit, you'd be able to tell the boys' religion, so to speak, but they kept it all legal enough... and they obviously WANT it to sell. Fine. Who cares."
The OP's wife wanted him to do something to rectify the situation.
"His mom, though, is insisting that I 'do something about it.'"
"But what am I supposed to do? What's done is done."
"'Stop them!'"
"You can't stop what has already finished."
"'Get them back!'"
"...Seriously? You know that's impossible, right?"
"'Punish him!'"
"For what? How?"
"Cue more hysterics. And now she's not even speaking with me for not supporting her, and she's 'ashamed to show her face' to her friends, who I'm sure couldn't care less about some college boys' pictures from 600 miles away."
The OP wasn't sure what else there was to do.
"And for what it's worth, Cole's girlfriend is totally on board with it."
"My wife called me an a**hole (but not in those words) for not taking her side."
"Am I really the a**hole here? Perhaps I am the a**hole for not seeing things from my wife's point of view and not sympathizing with her."
"But I don't think I am."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP's wife was taking away from her son's moment with her hysterics.
"You are NTA. Your adult son is NTA. Your son's supportive girlfriend is NTA."
"Unfortunately, even after your wife removes the stick up her rear she'll still be an A/H for the ridiculous, over-the-top histrionics. It's fine to be uncomfortable with what your adult son did. the wailing/sobbing/dramatics, though, are counterproductive and annoying." - Bear_Aspirin_00
"Your son sounds wonderful. I'd be very proud of mine if he did the same thing (once he's a few years older of course). They came up with a great idea, saw it through to the end, and raised money for an important charity. An excellent practical lesson in entrepreneurship, product development, and marketing."
"NTA. Your wife needs to stop having hysterics and shaming Cole for this."
"If she'd told you quietly that she was horrified and embarrassed, then you should have been supportive. But the screaming, crying, and demands that he should be punished, I have no sympathy whatsoever." - Moose-Live
"NTA. So here's the deal... In order for your wife's friends to know about it, they'd have to buy the said calendar. AKA: They wanted to see semi-nude young men."
"What are they gonna do? Call her/text her and tell her she should be ashamed of him all while knowing they spent money on an item containing photos of semi-nude men half their age?"
"It's like someone calling their friend and telling them that their daughter has an Only Friends page and passing judgment... The only way you'd know is if YOU visited the site..."
"As for your wife's feelings. She's welcome to her opinion and feelings. But she crosses the AH line the minute she even implies that you should automatically side with her simply because you're married. That's bulls**t and it needs to stop."
"Just because you marry someone doesn't mean you're signing up to always agree with them and side with them on everything. There are going to be times when you're wrong, or she's wrong. This is a perfect example. She's in the wrong, and you would be too if you tried to stop the calendar from being sold or tried to 'punish' your adult son." - SigSauerPower320
"NTA."
"But it's time to give your wife a little perspective on your son's actions. He's a college student that participates in sports and was part of an effort to raise money for their team and sick children. He seems to be succeeding with all of that and also has a social life since he has a girlfriend."
"Let's talk about what he's not. He's not a criminal. He's not a drug addict. He doesn't seem to suffer from mental illness. He doesn't think only about himself or he wouldn't be helping to raise money for sick children."
"Your wife needs to be thankful for the son she has. Many people aren't that lucky." - MaryAnne0601
"The wife may not agree with her son's decision but there are better ways of handling it than having a meltdown."
"I think that OP and his son are NTA. It was done for a good cause. Even if it weren't for charity, it is still nobody's business what an adult does with their own body." - SweatyCaterpillar979
"NTA. She doesn't have to approve of the calendar. If she doesn't want to see the pictures, that's totally understandable. But insisting that you try to stop the calendar from being published and trying to get you to punish him is totally unreasonable and ridiculous." - DisneyFoodie20
But others encouraged the OP to be empathetic to his wife's feelings as an empty-nester.
"YTA. You're clearly a proud dad right now, and that's... great, but let's think about it from your wife's perspective for a bit."
"How would you feel if you had a daughter on the college volleyball or soccer team and she posted similarly racy photos along with her teammates and she proudly brought over the calendar to your home?"
"How about if every guy across her college had that calendar with her showing her racy pics? Would you still feel comfortable? Imagine you going to lunch with your daughter, and you see the stares of looks she gets."
"That's what your wife is feeling when she sees racy pics of her son." - canttouchthisJC
"YTA for the obvious contempt that you have for your wife's feelings."
"I agree with you that a nude calendar isn't a big deal, but even the way you wrote this post, knowing that people are going to judge you, you still marginalized her and are supercritical."
"Stop being a jerk to your wife." - hbgbees
"This is one of the most disgusting posts I've seen. Of course YTA. Your son did a horrible thing, and your wife is right." - Hateful-Love-05
"YTA and weirdly happy about your son posing nude. Gross." - IslandAshamed9016
"YTA. I bet you wouldn't be okay about it if it was a daughter." - InfiniteDate4429
"A little bit YTA. She just lost her baby at home. He's at college. She's having an emotional reaction to him being on his own."
"You could have shown some empathy. I agree with all your points as to why it's a good thing, but the point here is not the calendar but your s**tty treatment of your wife." - V_Mrs_R43
"Oh... yuck. I really don't believe this is on all the girls' walls. Your poor wife, I'm sure she wishes she could rinse her eyes out with bleach."
"Yes, YTA, for being so inconsiderate of her feelings. That is her baby, and this is going to have repercussions when he gets older. As other commenters have stated, I'm sure you would not have said this if you had a daughter and she wanted to do a nude photoshoot spread 'for charity.'" - Ok-Border4341
This nude calendar for charity situation had the subReddit just as divided on the situation as the OP and his wife were.
Some completely understood where the OP was coming from and even thought that maybe his wife was trying to make her son's moment, hard work, and efforts toward charity about her.
But others thought the wife might have been struggling with her son going off to college, and this was a serious reminder that he was growing up, for which the OP might show a little more empathy.
Either way, their son was out in the world on his own now, and the couple needed to figure out how to live together and support one another as a couple again, or else someone might wind up being unhappy.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.