Weddings are a time of joy.
“Drama-free” is a key priority for the special day.
That is why some people are left off the guest list.
Especially if the event is more on the small and intimate side.
And sometimes those people excluded are family members.
Which, of course, can let loose ALL of the drama.
Case in point…
Redditor Technical-Ad7912 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not inviting my daughter to my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (47) have been in low contact with my daughter Noelle for three years at this point.”
“I went low contact with her.”
“There is a lot that happened, but my last straw was when she was 23.”
“She stole my credit card and racked up close to $4,000 in spending”
“There is a lot more to it, but that was my last straw.”
“Anyways, I am getting married.”
“I have been with him for ten years, and we are doing a very small gathering.”
“My two other kids, his kids, and my grandma.”
“So a total of 8 people.”
“Noelle is better now, got her life together, and we are talking more often but I didn’t invite her.”
“I don’t trust her not to pull a stunt at the wedding.”
“It got back to her, and she is pissed.”
“Long argument on both sides and in the end, she called me an a**.”
“My kids are divided on this issue, so I want an outside opinion.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. She broke your trust and has to work to rebuild your trust before you can fully invite her back into your life.” ~ Quiet_Nerd_2148
“NAH here. At least not now.”
“Do understand, though, that not inviting her to your wedding will be taken as a decision not to have a relationship with her.”
“That’s a decision you’re free to make, but you can’t expect her not to be hurt and angry about it.” ~ gentlealt
“OP’s comment history indicates that daughter has ‘bad blood’ with all but one person who will be in attendance and has a history of trying to start fights.”
“I can understand why you wouldn’t want to risk it on your wedding day. NTA.” ~ Independent_Bet_1657
“I’m sorry, but it’s not on OP’s conscience to care about the feelings of or want a relationship with someone who has done so many horrible things to so many people and never even did the bare minimum of apologizing.”
“Noelle carries the onus of reestablishing a healthy relationship, and her reaction shows that she hasn’t changed at all.”
“She’s still the same selfish, manipulative thief she’s always been, only instead of stealing material items she’s now leeching everyone’s emotional energy. NTA.” ~ justanotheracct33
“NTA. You know your daughter, and the fact that your other kids are divided – meaning that some of them agree with not inviting her – I’d say you are justified in it.”
“If a sibling also thinks their sister shouldn’t be there, that’s pretty damning.”
“Rebuilding trust takes time, and if you aren’t ready to have her at a high-stakes event like a wedding then you have every right to not invite her.” ~ DUNDER_KILL
“NTA, but it’s complicated.”
“It’s harsh to exclude someone who is trying to get better.”
“At the same time, it is still your wedding, and who you invite is up to you.” ~ nshud2
“You have to decide whether you want to end your relationship with her or not.”
“I get you don’t trust her, you probably have a good reason not to trust her, and you are justified in not inviting her, but you could potentially lose any progress you’ve made in your relationship with her.”
“Choosing not to invite her is going to cause a rift in your relationship.”
“Any backsliding that happens in your relationship with her will be your fault.”
“Just make sure you know that by not inviting her you are putting yourself in a position to move further away from your daughter.”
“If you think it’s worth risking that to ensure your daughter doesn’t do anything at the wedding, then go for it.” ~ NoConstruction9606
“This. It’s OP’s call, but ‘You are the only one of my children I’m not inviting to my wedding’ is a very clear statement about where she falls in your life.”
“If you are OK with this being a serious rupture, then go ahead.”
“Just know that you’re potentially burning that bridge permanently.” ~ Dogismygod
Redditors had a few specific questions…
“NTA. Did you have to pay that credit card bill when she racked it up?” ~ Deep-Lingonberry4568
“Did she ever face consequences either legally or in another way to atone for this?” ~ asecretnarwhal
“Has she apologized or made amends or done anything that acknowledges how much trouble she caused?”
“Or is it more she’s sidled back into your life with ‘Hey, I’m better now?'” ~ Haunting-blade
OP responded…
“Luckily I was able to prove fraud on that.”
“And no, I didn’t go for legal action since I wanted her to have one last chance to fix herself.”
“If she were going to go to jail, I would have nothing to do with it.”
“Obviously, if she did something extremely horrible, I would turn her in.”
“It’s more sliding back and going I’m better now for me, if I try to bring up the past, it’s a lot of changing the subject.”
“I know she apologized to her sister, but it didn’t end well.”
Reddit continued…
“So she stole from you, faced zero consequences for her actions, and has shown zero remorse for her actions.”
“Then waltzes back into your life with a flippant ‘I’m changed now,’ and if you try to address her previous actions, she throws a hissy fit and changes the subject?”
“Sounds like she’s learned nothing, and this is the first time she’s faced with a consequence she wasn’t expecting.”
“Why should she get to dictate the terms of forgiveness? She wronged you.”
“Sounds like she expected to go back to normalcy, and this is the first hard slap in the face indicates that you haven’t bought into it.”
“ETA: You know what this feels like?”
“When you tell a child ‘no’ and they throw a screaming tantrum.”
“Then wipe their eyes, crawl on your lap, tell you you’re the best and they love you so much.”
“And you smile and hug them back and tell them you love them, too.”
“And then they ask you again.”
“And you tell them ‘no’ again.”
“And then the old screaming tantrum comes right back out again.” ~ Remasa
“She needs to (attempt to) mend these bridges individually and in private.”
“Your wedding is not the forum for that.”
“She wants to view this in a vacuum: although she’s made mistakes, her mother isn’t inviting her to her wedding, and that’s wrong.”
“The reality is, she has damaged almost every single relationship she has with the people who will be in attendance.”
“And it’s not fair to you or your other guests, or her for that matter, to be presented with the burning wreckage that she has created while you’re trying your college best to have one of the happiest days of your life.”
“No one is going to enjoy that, her included.”
“Harming familial relationships will always result in the consequence of familial tension, and she’s got to deal with that.”
“Another day. Away from your wedding.” ~ Legitimate_Essay_221
“None of the above.”
“It’s your wedding, so you get to invite who you want.”
“Sadly the result of your decision will not help your relationship with your child in the short run, especially since you didn’t let her know.”
“By avoiding a difficult discussion, she may see this as a signal you do not genuinely want her in your life. Ironically, she may have justification not to trust you.”
“But there really isn’t enough information to say for sure.” ~JfPickups
Reddit also asked…
“Did she steal her sister’s credit card, too?” ~ Longjumping_Hat_2672
OP answered…
“Basically tried to steal her boyfriend.”
“She set her sister up on multiple blind dates, harassed her, sent explicit texts to her boyfriend.”
“When that didn’t work, she went over to her boyfriend’s house, and the cops were called on her when he turned her down, and she wouldn’t leave.”
“He broke up with her since he didn’t want to deal with Noelle.”
“Noelle stole and sold some jewelry that was from her late husband.”
“We were not able to get it back.”
“My other daughter said she would be civil if she were there, but one snide comment from Noelle and she would not hold back.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA. You aren’t obligated to invite anyone to your wedding that you don’t want to be at your wedding, especially if you don’t trust the person not to cause a scene.”
“That said, not inviting your child will likely have other consequences that you should be prepared to deal with, including them never speaking to you again.” ~ Reddit
“NTA. It is her own actions that have led to you not trusting her.”
“Her being ‘better’ is not the same as her being good.”
“And being willing to talk with her is not the same as wanting or trusting her to attend big life events with you.” ~ nopenothappening99
OP came back with an Update…
“Thank you for everyone’s comments. I think I am fine if this ends my relationship with her.”
“If she wants to cut contact since I am not healed enough or trust her enough after all she did, then it’s on her.”
“It’s been three years of low contact, and my life has been better.”
“I don’t think no contact would change any of that.”
“Especially she hasn’t given me an apology to this day.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It’s your special day.
You get to have whoever you want (and don’t want) in attendance.
Maybe some family therapy could help, but only if you truly want it.
Congrats, and good luck!