Redditor Maleficent_Guide_837 lives a life where he purposefully does not put down roots.
He enjoys moving from place to place, embarking on fleeting relationships, and ultimately not settling down.
His brother lives the opposite way, and while the brothers are not at odds over this difference, the Original Poster (OP) and his sister-in-law are.
The OP recently was intentionally not invited to his brother’s birthday party by his SIL. This snub drove the OP to renege on a Disney trip he had purchased and planned for his brother’s family.
The entire situation has driven a wedge deeper between the OP and his SIL, pushing the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for not giving my brother and his wife the gift I got them since she didn’t want me at his birthday party?”
He went on to explain.
“I [Male age 39] travel for work and make good money. I have never been interested in settling down or having a family.”
“I mostly work and take vacations. I don’t own an apartment much less a house. I live out of a backpack and a duffel bag.”
“My brother Victor 30 is the opposite. All he ever ever wanted since he was a kid was to have a perfect family.”
“Our dad did the same kind of work that I do and Victor hated it. He was always closer to our mom than our dad.”
“He married the first girl he dated after college and they already have two kids. They are happy. And I love my brother and my nephews.”
“I spend a bunch of my extra money on them because I have more than I need and I want them to have a great life.”
“My brother chose to be a teacher so he could spend more time with his wife and kids. I respect that but he isn’t well paid.”
“His 30th birthday was coming up and I decided to do something nice for his family.”
“I checked with him when he and his wife had a free week this summer and I got them a week away at Disney World.”
“I also paid for my folks to go along so they could watch the kids and give him and his wife some alone time.”
“His wife thinks I’m a scumbag because I refuse to get a girlfriend or have a serious relationship. I don’t want that.”
“I like meeting a woman at a resort or on a tour. Spending a week together and then saying goodbye. It works for me. They don’t want anything more from me than I am willing to give.”
“Because she thinks I’m a degenerate, womanizing, alcoholic, dirtbag she doesn’t want me around her husband or children.”
“So she made sure I knew I wasn’t invited to his birthday party at their house.”
“I am seriously tired of her bullsh*t so I cancelled everything. I took my mom and dad on a golf vacation instead. I sent my brother a card with $100 gift card to a restaurant he likes.”
“My sister-in-law found out from my parents what his original gift was going to be and has been contacting me saying that I’m being a d*ck taking away an experience like that from her family over a party invitation.”
“I told her that she was the one who decided I wasn’t good enough to be around her family, so my dirty money wasn’t going to be around her either. I told her not to bother me anymore.”
“My folks are staying out of it, and my brother is as well. He knows I don’t owe him sh*t and that I just like to blow money on stupid gifts.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA but sis-in-law definitely is. If she doesn’t want you because of your lifestyle, then she doesn’t want your money (which funds your lifestyle) to taint her perfection.”
“It’s good that fam is staying out of it, but you may have to decide how much you’re willing to tolerate long term to keep a relationship with your brother.” – Pair_of_Pearls
“NTA”
“She has no right to comment on how you choose to live your life. It’s YOURS to live. She has no right to keep you away from your brother and nephews either.”
“She is TA. She doesn’t want you around but wants you to spend on them? You are not the one robbing her of experiences. She is the one robbing you of your brother and nephews.”
“And you took your parents? I love it sm.”
“Dude, any person would be lucky to have you in their lives.” – Scarlet_sunset01
“NTA”
“She blew it, she knows she blew it, and she wants to blame you instead of herself.”
“You didn’t hang it over her head. You didn’t even tell her. You planned a present, then backtracked when you weren’t even invited to the relevant event, and she found out from someone else.”
“100% in the clear.”
“If you’re generally close with your brother, then he is also an AH if he was aware she didn’t invite you to the party and went along with it.” – embopbopbopdoowop
“That was not a stupid gift. It was a magnanimous, kind, and thoughtful gift.”
“NTA”
“It is understandable that you are hurt to be excluded from your brother’s birthday celebration. Your SIL sounds like a nasty piece of work. So judgemental!”
“Your brother is an AH for tolerating her horrible behavior.”
“EDIT – hang on – why DOES your brother tolerate her decision on your attendance at his birthday?” – Time-Tie-231
“NTA, seriously, why does she even know that about you? It’s such a weird thing to care about when it would never intersect with her life.”
“As far as her oh-so-innocent family is concerned, you are the single uncle. There’s plenty out there.” – SnooPets8873
“NTA”
“And honestly? I think that is a good thing. Your SiL looks like a person who thinks that as a childless uncle, you should provide for your nieces/nephews.”
“She showed her true colors now, in mostly harmless situations.”
“It would be much worse if something like this happened in a serious case, with the rest of your family heavily involved and children used as pawns.”
“This incident gives you an opportunity to set boundaries for the future and no one can blame you.” – Garamon7
“Nta. She’s being a hateful person, and that’s what she gets. She doesn’t even know you yet she’s all about judging you and your lifestyle.”
“You care for your brother and nephews, which is what should matter the most, but she wants to cut you out of their life. Seems like she doesn’t want the best for your brother or her kids.” – M1ssChaos
“Clearly NTA. Interesting that your brother is fine with you being excluded from his birthday party. Seems the SIL makes the rules in that house.”
“This shows her to be two-faced as your lifestyle enables you to give generous gifts to your family.” – Candid-Quail-9927
“You’re blaming your SIL, but what about your brother? Why is he letting her dictate your relationship and if you can be around him and the kids?”
“You’re NTA, but they both are, not just SIL.” – Mintyfresh2022
“NTA It sucks that SIL cost your brother and nephews a nice trip to Disney, but this is on her. You’re not doing anything wrong by choosing to avoid long-term relationships.”
“You would be a jerk if you married someone and cheated, but you’re not doing that. Marriage and kids are not for everyone.” – Bloodrayna
“‘His wife thinks I’m a scumbag because I refuse to get a girlfriend or have a serious relationship.’”
“Interesting…now how are her views on women who live the same lifestyle, I wonder?”
“‘I don’t want that. I like meeting a woman at a resort or on a tour. Spending a week together and then saying goodbye.’”
“‘It works for me. They don’t want anything more from me than I am willing to give.’”
“So long as everyone is consenting and knows what they’re getting, i.e. a bit of fun for two weeks with no strings, then I see no issue with how you live.”
“It’s not like you go around mocking your brother or calling him or his wife a scumbag for being so insistent on the whole Susie Home Maker white picket fence ideal.”
“‘Because she thinks I’m a degenerate, womanizing, alcoholic, dirtbag she doesn’t want me around her husband or children.’”
“‘So she made sure I knew I wasn’t invited to his birthday party at their house.’”
“Sounds like a mouthy controlling a**hole to me.”
“‘My sister-in-law found out from my parents what his original gift was going to be and has been contacting me saying that I’m being a dick taking away an experience like that from her family over a party invitation.’”
“A mouthy controlling a**hole who is at least a hypocrite, but also potentially delusional.”
“She’s shocked that she can’t take a massive sh*t all over you and have it go unnoticed or forgiven immediately.”
“‘I told her not to bother me anymore.’”
“Good that you were firm about this and good that nobody around her is indulging her BS.”
“NTA” – MundanePlanet
Perhaps there’s more to the story here, but from what’s presented, NTA.