Let's talk about justifications.
So, we all make decisions that we know aren't great decisions.
Tacos after midnight or dating a drummer (I'm kidding...) or any of a thousand other bad choices that we convince ourselves to make.
So, what happens when you've thoroughly convinced yourself that your course of action is right and good, but then the people affected by your choice disagree?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Happy-Mind-2618 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked:
"AITA for firing an employee returning from maternity leave?"
OP got right to the situation at hand.
I feel like the devil right now, so I’ll accept whatever judgement you all have.
I run a team of about 6 people. Our company offers a large amount of maternity leave, 10 months. One of my employees got pregnant recently, i’ll call her Jess.
Our team does project based work and in the period between her leaving for ML we finished up the project we were working on when she left, and started working on a project without her.
During this period, our team had to adapt to working without her expertise in certain matters. We adapted and eventually some of us developed the skills needed to do some of her workload.
The situation we have now is me, and 2 others split half the work that Jess used to do, and we hired someone new to come in to the team to handle the other part of Jess’s workload and then some.
This new employee came at significantly reduced cost, as he was straight out of Uni and we pay him a fraction of what Jess costs currently.
Everything was fine, until...
Now Jess has come back to the team, but there is another issue.
Our firm has informed us that for some fucking reason we no longer have the budget for a 7 person team, and will have to let someone go. This news came about when I submitted the paperwork for Jess’s return.
We are 5 months into a project that should take an estimated 10 months, and my decision came down to Jess and the man we hired to replace her. The reason we hired a replacement, which is not normally what we do, is because we anticipated that for this project the workload would be far greater than our current capacity, which it is not.
OP did outline their logic for making this decision.
As you can tell by the title, I chose the replacement. I did so for the following reasons:
Far cheaper, thus freeing up a lot more money than keeping Jess on
He was up to date with the project and we would be able to move forward seamlessly, whereas with Jess we would have to take time catching her up to speed on half the project
The clients already knew and liked working with him, whereas they didn’t know Jess at all
She has been out of the field for a prolonged period, whilst he has been here for the past 9 months, so she may, or may not, find it hard to adapt back to work life, whilst with him it isn’t a question
He performed his work better than she did hers and interacted better with the team.
Obviously, the ideal situation which I wanted was to keep both and not put a new single mother with no other job lined up out in the cold, but I had to do right by the team and firm. I told her I’d write her a brilliant Letter of Recommendation, and that in a few months she could try and apply for a job at our firm, hopefully we’ll have the budget, but she snapped at me and told me not to bother, and called me a cunt and left.
I know I sound cold and heartless but I had to be fair to both employees, not just Jess, right?
OP was left to wonder,
AITA?
Having explained the issue, op turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some pointed out that the question was very tone-deaf.
"YTA"
"Underpay someone"
"Increase everyone’s workload without increased pay"
"Punish a woman for spending time with her baby"
"And you’re seriously questioning if you’re an ah? Then again most in management are." ~ HPNerd44
"I really love how they said the new hire outperforms Jess but yet her duties had to be split multiple ways" ~ AdhesivenessNo2077
Others were concerned that there deeper issues.
"Just a misogynistic cog in the misogynistic wheel."
"He’s trying to impress his boss with the money he saved and the efficiency he gained by 'doing right by the company'"
"Wake up my dude" ~ pogoyoyo1
Some were confused at the existence of a maternity leave policy that doesn't do anything.
"What's the point of having a maternity leave policy if you just replace and fire the person taking maternity leave?"
"YTA" ~ Suitable-Cod-1381
"That policy sounds really generous when they are trying to hire new employees. They just don't mention it's actually a permanent leave" ~ PrincessLiarLiar
"YTA."
"What is the point of the company maternity leave policy if the person offered the leave and guaranteed a job to return to is fired before her return?"
"That isn't a maternity leave policy if you can just fire someone for using said leave. Which in the end, is what you did."
"Also, the new guy is only doing part of the job."
"The other team members have taken on additional responsibilities that Jess would have taken back upon her return."
"So they now have more work with the same pay."
"And yes, your 'fairness' is towards the actual employee. Not the temp."
"The temp is just that, a temp."
"Someone to gain some experience in part of a job. That's it."
"Basically a substitute for the person who actually has the job."
"Good luck when she sues!" ~ sheramom4
Many pointed out that this decision may have larger repercussions.
"He's also just signaled to all the rest of his employees that he's no good on his promises and is not family-friendly, and willing to cut a senior employee for a cheaper junior."
"Be prepared for employees to start jumping ship." ~ Inevitable_Access_15
"Assuming this takes place in the US, that's not company policy, that's federal law."
"FMLA, to be specific."
"OP's company is f*cked." ~ lollipop-guildmaster
"You're punishing her for having a baby and taking the maternity leave that your business offers."
"You knew she was coming back, why didn't you hire a temp replacement until that time?"
"You're not going save money after she takes legal action for being fired because she's a mother. YTA" ~ MyFickleMind
"OP somehow firmly believes he is free and clear of all legal ramifications and while I haven’t seen what country they are in, I have a hard time believing after all his comments, he can prove he fired her above board."
"ETA:"
"Not to mention, he says more than once in comments how no one was even remotely qualified to fill Jess’s shoes and perform her role to the same extent she did."
"Hell, even in the OP, he says it took THREE people to take on her job."
"How can you justify firing her for anything but punishment for using a benefit her own company provided?! Bonkers."
"I mean, his first attempt posting here said he 'basically' fired his employee for being pregnant. If that’s not admission of discrimination, I don’t know what is."
"In the words of Andrew Garfield in The Social Network, 'You better lawyer up, a—hole.”'
"YTA."
"Jess, if you ever see this and the OP is deleted, I took screenshots."
Commenters insinuated that this might have been less about Jess and more about her male replacement.
"And coincidentally the cheap employee OP thinks is better and fits better with the team is also male"
"I can't wait for OP's firm to be sued into oblivion" ~ avelak
"Finally someone calling out the sexism. 🎉 OP is a raging sexist AH." ~ sundresscomic
"A male specifically chosen because he’s young and doesn’t have a family to support."
"Dude is literally a cartoon version of 1950’s casual sexism and thinks this is normal." ~ Relax007
"Massive sexist behavior. I bet he also has kids too or wants some woman to pump them out for him one day." ~ fleurdumal1111
There were even those who insinuated that this was always the plan.
"YTA."
"Instead of hiring a contract or temporary worker to take over for a staff member who was out on medical/maternity leave, you hired a full-time employee."
"You found someone younger, with less experience, who would work for less money. So, you fired your long-term employee, in favor of the cheaper one."
"Your budget was for a 6 person team before Jess went on maternity leave, was for 6 people while she was out, and, gee what a shock, 'for some reason' still only has a budget for 6 people when Jess is ready to come back."
"You're discriminating against a woman for getting pregnant. She should sue your rear end off." ~ SirMittensOfTheHill
"You've gotten right to the heart of the matter!"
"OP never had the budget to hire an extra person permanently."
"In my opinion, OP wanted rid of Jess for a while, otherwise they'd have hired someone for MAT leave."
"Whatever money OP is trying to save, they're going to lose in a lawsuit!" ~ Umm_what_I_think_is
"YTA."
"Every single reason you mentioned was only true because she had been gone on maternity leave which legally CANNOT be a reason to terminate someone."
"Yet it is the cause behind everyone reason you gave. Be prepared for a lawsuit." ~ E_Turnips_97
The temptation to give in to those justifications can be powerful.
We have to remember, though, that our poor decisions affect those around us.
Sometimes, those repercussions can be long-lasting.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.