Redditor and self-proclaimed very cool dad, verycooldad89, recently joined Reddit to get advice about a particular situation.
The Original Poster (OP) came home to find his wife yelling at and firing their babysitter over "costing a bunch of money".
When the OP finally got the full story, he learned that their babysitter called an ambulance when their 7-month-old passed out from a breath holding episode.
The baby has these episodes regularly, and are apparently relatively harmless. However, the OP's mother, who had been watching the children prior, forgot to inform the babysitter of this.
The babysitter called an ambulance, which costs a pretty penny.
When the mom got home, she yelled at the babysitter and fired her for calling the ambulance.
The OP, on the other hand, thinks the babysitter did the right thing. This caused a huge argument between he and his wife, leading him to join Reddit for subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for yelling at my wife for firing our babysitter and making her cry because she called an ambulance?"
He went on to explain:
"Hello Reddit! I have just downloaded Reddit because my niece said I should post this story to the AITA board so here I am!"
"So basically here's what happened. Me and my wife hired our babysitter who we've been going to for years..."
"...we have 2 sons and a daughter and we've been hiring her since my oldest son was a baby..."
"...(though it was mostly her mom looking after the baby while she was 'helping' so we gave her a couple of dollars for that 😂😂😂)."
"She's now 16 and can look after the kids all on her own and my oldest two love her!"
"(My youngest is only 7 months so I'm not sure he really gets it yet 😂😂😂, but he seems relatively happy when he's with her)."
"This Friday my kids daycare has been closed for renovations and Daisy (our babysitter) has kindly offered to take care of them after school, from 3:30-6pm!"
"I get home from work at 6 and my wife gets home at half 6, however, I got home early from work at half five..."
"...when I got home I found my wife yelling at Daisy while Daisy was just sobbing and apologizing."
"I asked my wife what was going on and all she did was just start yelling that Daisy had cost us a bunch of money."
"My first thought was that she'd broken something, but my wife wasn't telling me what it was."
"She told Daisy she wouldn't be paying her for her time and to 'get the f*ck out of our house and never come back or she'd call the police'."
"Daisy then ran out crying and I left my wife to calm down while I comforted my kids (they were all crying in a different room while my wife yelled at Daisy)."
"When everything had calmed down, I got the full story from my wife."
"So here's what happened: My mother had been looking after the kids until 3:30 while we were at work."
"This was Daisy's first time looking after my youngest son, though we knew we could trust her with the babies since she looked after my daughter alone when she was a baby."
"Something important that you should know is that my youngest son has breath holding episodes, which occur when he gets frustrated or is in pain, and he will just hold his breath."
"To stop them you just have to blow on the baby or they will just snap out of it on their own, they're completely normal and relatively safe in babies."
"However, the episodes can sometimes cause passing out and blueness, and it's normal and he usually wakes up within a few seconds."
"To cut a long story short my mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911, and then my wife."
"My wife is now angry that Daisy called 911 for 'nothing' and has now wasted our money on an ambulance ride."
"Me and my wife are now arguing because I think Daisy did the right thing but my wife doesn't."
"Yesterday we got into a heated argument, we both said some hurtful stuff and she is now staying with her mother for a few days while she 'thinks over my priorities in the relationship'."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. Your wife is truly, truly awful and I hope you're having her read these responses." - OkeyDokey654
"NTA."
"Your wife behaved reprehensibly."
"Daisy deserves a medal and an apology. She was unprepared with the information she required."
"If you want an expert who'd already knew this, then you don't get to hire a teenager to babysit..."
"...and you're wife needs to get comfy paying a lot more for a professional adult nanny who comes with this sort of knowledge."
"Your wife prioritized money over the safety of the children and the most basic respect and kindness towards Daisy. You may also want to be reconsidering some things."
"Give Daisy the money and apology your wife owes her."
"EDIT: Also, I would strongly encourage you to apologize to her parents as well and make sure they are aware of the trauma Daisy experienced."
"She might have been scarred or ashamed to tell her parents the full truth, and it would be kind for you to support her on that front as well." - MLeek
"NTA. My little brother is a paramedic. They just lost a child because the parents waited too long to call 911 because the child did exactly what your child does."
"Turns out the child was actually choking. That child is now dead. Easily would have survived had they called 911 as they were nearby both the scene and hospital." - Much_Independent9628
"NTA"
"'my mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911'"
"Of course she'd do that. She totally did the right thing. She then called your wife, also the right thing."
"Your wife shouted, swore at & made a 16-year-old kid cry, who would've already had a bad scare about your son. That's just not ok on any level."
"Daisy needs to be paid for her time & your wife needs to apologize to her. Why she's entrenching her position now she knows Daisy didn't even know your son did that is really puzzling."
"Sounds like you've lost a good sitter too." - Apart-Ad-6518
"Your wife is wrong. Also, there should not be a charge if the baby was not transported" - AdAccomplished6870
"NTA."
"Is your wife normally irrational like this?"
"Does she realise she's valuing money over your child's health?"
"Your 16-year-old babysitter wasn't given incredibly important medical information, and your wife thinks when faced with an unconscious baby, her reaction should have been … what? Ignore it?"
"Call one of you guys?"
"Lord, pay the babysitter, give her a bonus, apologize for your wife's behavior (not something I'd normally suggest but d*mn)"
"Also if there's a babysitter network, you guys will likely be blacklisted." - Stormschance
"The child stopped breathing and was unresponsive. What exactly did your wife expect her to do?"
"It's on *you and your wife, not your mother, that Daisy didn't know about your child's issue and how to handle it."
"She did what any reasonable adult would have done in the same circumstances, and your wife is so far out of line it's abusive."
"What if this time, the child wasn't posturing? What if something was really wrong? Should Daisy have left it and allowed him to suffer an anoxic brain injury to save your wife money?"
"I'm appalled by a mother who didn't provide her children's caregiver with all necessary information and the ingratitude showed when that caregiver did her best to ensure the child was safe."
"This is 100% on your wife and her righteous indignation is sickening. NTA."
"ETA - several commenters have pointed out that I stated it was the wife's responsibility to inform the babysitter of the child's issue, leaving out the father."
"My point at the time was in direct reference to the chain of events going from grandma to babysitter with no explanation about the baby's condition."
"I didn't mean to infer that OP/dad wasn't just as responsible for giving the babysitter that crucial information so I've edited my comment* to reflect that they were both responsible."
"Thanks to those who pointed it out." - forgetregret1day
"OMG your wife is completely out of line. I was a licensed childcare provider and a developmental specialist with degrees in education..."
"...25 years experience and a mother, myself and I would have called the EMTs right away."
"As a parent the last thing I want is a 16-year-old, non-medical-professional to decide if my blue-faced child is going to be OK or not."
"Did the babysitter even know about the problem before she agreed to care? You really did the babysitter wrong, IMO. She's gonna be hesitant to babysit for anyone, I'll bet."
"NTA" - loverlyone
Mom needs to really rethink her priorities.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp