Most people agree that women are critically received in society, from how they behave, to what they do for work, to what they wear.
The worst thing is for women to experience that criticism at home, too, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ConsistentFuture5130 was preparing to go to a funeral with her teen daughter and asked her what she intended to wear.
But the Original Poster (OP) was so unhappy with what her daughter wanted to wear, she threatened to not drive her to the funeral.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for forbidding my daughter to go to a funeral in a backless dress?”
The OP asked her daughter what she would wear for an upcoming funeral.
“We have a funeral to attend and I (45 Female) asked my daughter (19 Female) what she was going to wear.”
“She showed me her outfit: black tights with black flats, a black sweater, and a black dress. The dress was fine at first glance, it was up to her neck and knee length, but it was backless.”
“Though not fully. Kind of from the bra line to her waist, there’s a gap where skin I see showing.”
The OP was not happy with her daughter’s wardrobe choice.
“I told her she was absolutely to not wear it as it was inappropriate.”
“She said it was fine and that was why she has the black sweater. It was going to be cold, and she said she wouldn’t remove it even if she was warm.”
“Sure, with the sweater in, you could never tell there was a gap, but I told her it was not appropriate and she would embarrass me.”
“She said, ‘tough luck,’ and repeated that that was what she would be wearing.”
The OP put her foot down.
“I said she was not wearing that and that she was otherwise not allowed to go.”
“She can’t currently drive because she’s got a twisted ankle; thus, I’d be picking her up and driving her, and she had no one else to do it.”
“I told her, I would not drive her half-naked to a funeral.”
“She told me I was mean and doesn’t answer my phone calls at all now.”
The OP’s sisters were divided over how the OP handled the situation.
“I told my sisters about this. One agrees with me, and the other (the one who plays the ‘cool’ aunt) agrees with my kid and told me I was the a**hole.”
“Was I really the asshole?”
“At this point, I’m not sure anymore. Technically she’ll be covered, but it’s still inappropriate.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was making something out of nothing, especially for a funeral.
“YTA. The sweater will cover her back. There is no issue here. And OP should probably remember that somebody is actually dead, and this is a day of connection and mourning and peace and not a fashion show.”
“Does OP think the corpse will rise up to sexualize her daughter’s back? ‘Booooooohhhhhh, what’s that under that sweater??? Skin?!?!?!?!?!?!?'” – OrangeCubit
“My stepdad was buried in his nice jeans and a clean white tee shirt.”
“D**n near everyone we knew showed up to the funeral in the same outfit; their nice jeans and a clean shirt. Some people wore button-downs, most people wore tee shirts.”
“People wore the same clothes, nicer versions of their everyday stuff, to every ‘dressy’ event. I can’t imagine getting screamed at and refused to be picked up because of something like my shirt sleeves were a smidgen too short, like I wore a baby tee instead of a standard cut and that was a problem.”
“OP is YTA and I feel like she knows it.” – Askew-glasses
“YTA for several reasons: You are trying to control an adult. She will be fully clothed. She’s bringing a sweater, and to appease her controlling mother, she said she wouldn’t take it off. You didn’t trust her when she told you this.”
“You are more concerned about what others might say that will EMBARRASS you than your own daughter’s feelings.”
“And you know you’re the only ride she has so she will miss the funeral. You need to get off your high horse because she is fully clothed and not naked. I’m surprised she hasn’t gone NC (no contact) with you.”
“Another mother on here is about to lose contact with their daughter because she is too stubborn to see she is YTA. You’re so worried about being embarrassed but you post your AH ways here. So you are correct you are an embarrassment as a mother.” – mackeyca87
“Yeah, during my great Uncle’s memorial, my cousin wore a dress with slight side cutouts… and nobody gave a hoot about it (she was also one of the more formally dressed people there).”
“It’s such an inconsequential amount of skin. (I hate calling people prudes, but…) OP is a controlling prude. And it’s not even of importance because her 19-year-old daughter will wear the sweater and she will probably be seated for a lot of the event. OP, YTA.” – Potatoesop
“Imagine describing a woman wearing tights, a dress that covers from knee to neck, and a sweater as ‘half-naked.’ YTA.”
“She is being completely respectful by wearing all black and finding a way to make her current wardrobe appropriate for the situation. You’re the one who is more worried about something embarrassing you than honoring the one who died. You should be embarrassed by your priorities and vanity.” – IndependentBoot5479
Others agreed and questioned what the OP expected her daughter to actually wear.
“Wait until she realizes her daughter is technically naked underneath clothing! We all are!”
“OP is way out of line in this one. I once wore a halter top underneath a suit jacket uniform because that is what I had available to me for work. No one ever knew about it or found out about it.”
“OP, YTA. Quit policing your daughter’s clothing. What she has chosen is more than appropriate for a funeral.” – Scorp128
“If it’s scandalous to have any bare skin under one layer of clothing (a sweater), then that must mean OP is wearing two layers of everything.”
“It would be just as inappropriate for OP to wear a dress or shirt without a sweater, even if long-sleeved, as it would for her daughter to wear a sweater over the cut out of the dress… except OP would be less appropriate because part of their back would be covered twice if they weren’t wearing a cardigan or blazer over their outfit or took the second off at any point.”
“If I die and ANYONE stops someone who cared about me from coming to my funeral because of piercings, tattoos, clothing, hair color, etc, then I will sure af be back to haunt them like mad (and as someone who had a broken ankle with torn ligaments less than a year ago, this just makes me extra mad).”
“YTA, OP. You’re just being absurd at this point.” – Haunting-Remove3081
“Geez. ‘Half-naked’? It’s not even fully backless, and she’s wearing a sweater. It sounds completely appropriate.”
“Your daughter is an adult. She’s picked an appropriate outfit, including the sweater to cover the (apparently scandalous) gap of skin.”
“And ’embarrass’ you? What are you going to do? Yank up her sweater and declare to the grieving masses how embarrassed you are that skin is visible?”
“You need to stop trying to control her and how she dresses herself. I don’t blame her for not answering your calls.”
“Also, it sounds like you completely resent your sister. The disdain oozes from the ‘one who plays the ‘cool’ aunt’ statement speaks volumes.”
“YTA. You’re making a huge deal out of nothing.” – 0kayte
“That’s a weird power trip you’re on. She’s an adult who can dress herself. Why are you even asking to see what she plans to wear?”
“Your daughter’s lower back, ‘naked’ under her clothing, will be of little concern to either the subject or the attendees at the funeral. You’re being needlessly controlling, and yes, YTA.” – baka-tari
“YTA. Black dress up to her neck, knee length, and she’s wearing tights. You’re worried about it being barely backless, even though she’s wearing a sweater that will cover her back.”
“What do you want her to wear? A black long sleeve full-length dress, gloves, with a veil too?”
“Gosh, what do you think of women that wear tank tops to their corporate job with a sweater? You’d shame me.”
“What are you wearing? Maybe you’re embarrassing her.” – Responsible-Read-468
The subReddit was unanimously opposed to how the OP was treating her daughter and how she was viewing the entire situation.
We are all naked under our clothing, after all; having a cut-out in a dress does not suddenly make the OP’s daughter naked. It seemed the OP needed to place the importance back where it belonged: on the funeral itself and who was being remembered, not on what the attendees were wearing.