We can all admit that when one of our loved ones is in a tough spot, whether it be financially or emotionally or otherwise, we will do all that we can to get them into a better situation.
But providing assistance to them should not negatively impact someone else, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway23fw's eldest daughter and boyfriend found themselves in a tough situation right after having their fourth child, because they were both struggling to keep jobs, pay bills, and not get evicted from their home.
Wanting to make sure her grandchildren were provided for, the Original Poster (OP) made a decision that helped her eldest daughter and grandchildren, but left her younger daughter, about to graduate from high school, completely in the dust.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for sacrificing my daughter's college fund because her sister just gave birth to her fourth child?"
The OP's oldest daughter and boyfriend were struggling to keep jobs.
"My (48 Female) oldest daughter (24 Female) gave birth to her fourth child six months ago with her boyfriend."
"She used to work as a dishwasher, but due to health issues stemming from her second child (chronic back pain that started during the pregnancy) and then her third child (after-effects of a broken tailbone and more chronic pain that made standing and moving around hard), she can no longer work."
"She tried her best, getting an office temp job, but after about a week, the woman supervising her said, 'This isn't working out.' She was a very uptight woman who claimed that it always only took her three days max to train everybody else to do the data entry work, and that she couldn't 'just be a good person and accommodate slower learners.'"
"That woman likely caused her to get a bad reputation at the temp agency and she didn't get hired elsewhere."
"My daughter's boyfriend (28 Male) works at Walmart. He had much more hours when she was pregnant, but since then, his hours have ebbed and flowed. He said he would take a day in the future to look for jobs, but it's the holidays and he's busy with family."
"I feel a lot of empathy for my daughter and her boyfriend and wish I could help them out more, but I am a single mom working for a nursing home where I struggle to get full-time hours. My ex also ran up a lot of debt in both our names and is now living in another country, leaving me responsible for all the dues."
The OP's younger daughter was preparing for graduation and college.
"My younger daughter (17 Female) has a college fund. The amount in it would be enough to pay a large amount of a two-year community college tuition, given the scholarships and grants she would also likely get."
"She's applied to four-year universities, as well, with the understanding that she'd be taking out loans and working."
"So she's leaving her options open and deciding between four-year and community colleges."
The OP's oldest daughter's situation worsened when she got evicted.
"The other shoe dropped after my older daughter's landlord found out that they were having her boyfriend's brother and girlfriend living in their one-bedroom apartment in exchange for them helping with the rent. They got evicted."
"My daughter agrees it was wrong to lie to the landlord, but they likely would have been out on the streets soon, because they needed the brother's help with the rent to continue living there."
"Now my daughter and her boyfriend are depressed because her boyfriend got a job offer one state away, and they would have to move from their support network."
"It was a conditional job offer (he said something about a paid probation period) and not the most glamorous; it'd essentially just be manual labor."
"Her boyfriend would likely have to move out there without them first, or they would have to find short-term housing unless he wants to keep Walmart on a back burner and somewhere transfer over there, working two jobs."
"That's a lot of stress when he's also needed to help with the older two kids especially."
The OP wanted to help her grandchildren, but at a great price.
"They came to me asking for help so they could have more time to find financial stability here."
"I was torn, but seeing my grandkids in that moment, I knew my duty was to care for the most vulnerable people in the family, and that was them."
"So I made several calls to liquidate my daughter's college fund, saying yes to understanding the penalties, and told my daughter what I had done after the fact."
"She got very cold and said, 'You always brag about having a good memory. I hope you remember this moment then.'"
"She has not spoken to me since."
"She spent Thanksgiving inquiring with family members and friends to see if hospitals are keen to hire college students for kitchen or reception or anything."
"She also made some cryptic social media posts about how she hopes she'll be grateful one day that she won't have the privilege of studying anything outside of something technical because she needs something where she'll always be able to find a job in, so the most her passions will ever be able to be is hobbies or something like that."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was teaching her daughter that she never needed to be responsible.
"YTA. Why should your teenager be punished because your oldest keeps having babies she can't afford or support? You go on about 'doing your duty' to your oldest and her ever-expanding brood of children she can't pay for but seem absolutely fine not doing your duty to your other child?"
"If this was about 'duty,' you've failed horribly. You ruined her life to bail out someone not responsible enough to figure out how birth control works. Great job, 'Mom.'" - Panaccolade
"Yep. You are totally and completely YTA here. All day, every day."
"Way to screw over one daughter for the other's thoroughly s**tty life choices."
"Remember what your daughter told you. You'll need it to answer the question of why you never see her or hear from her and wonder why she won't let you see your grandchildren."
"Seriously. Wow."
"Did you also raid her piggy bank when she was nine to get your older daughter a car?" - MirroredGarageWalls
"YTA."
"This is such a blatant act of favoritism. You have made your youngest daughter's future harder due to no fault of her own, because of your oldest daughter's poor life choices. Frankly, she should not have four children she cannot afford."
"Your duty of care is to your minor child, not your adult child who thinks it's easier on the body to run around after four children than to get a job." - Mobile_Prune_3207
"YTA. You've got this completely backward. You are rewarding the daughter making poor life choices at the expense of the daughter who is trying. 'Caring for the vulnerable' is fine, but you can't care ONLY for the vulnerable. By doing so, you are unwittingly incentivizing your children to keep failing, expecting someone will always be there to bail them out." - GoNinjaPro
"This seems like textbook learned/willful helplessness to me."
"Applying for aid requires recognizing that you're in a bad situation and need to do something about it. The oldest daughter doesn't think she needs to do anything about it and refuses to acknowledge that she can because she's learned that if she whines hard enough about things, others will fix her problems for her."
"She's been raised with no concept of personal ownership over the consequences of her actions, and OP is just reinforcing that again and again. Getting mom to raid your sister's college fund requires a lot less time and effort than applying for aid for yourself, and the older sister sees nothing wrong with this as she's obviously become incredibly self-centered and entitled as a result of all this favoritism."
"Helping family is great, but the way to actually do that is to help them take ownership of their problems rather than just fixing it for them. The fact that OP didn't realize that they're the problem while typing this out doesn't give me high hopes that the enablement won't continue."
"While it's a terribly expensive and unfair lesson, it's better than the OP's younger daughter learned this about her family NOW, so she can graduate from high school and then leave them behind before they find a way to use her again." - FUBARded
"She sacrificed her daughter's future. The daughter who has made poor choices has an opportunity to move and improve her lot in life is bleeding your other daughter dry. This is just a band-aid and they will be in the same position in a few more months, maybe a little over a year."
"Why does OP think it's a good idea for her four grandchildren to live in a one-bedroom apartment with four adults?"
"Where is the logic in making the daughter who is making good choices suffer? One daughter already ruined her life and now OP is potentially ruining her other daughter's life by making poor choices. It doesn't sound like the older daughter can afford to live in their current town."
"OP's number one priority should be helping her minor child succeed in life. The older daughter has already made awful choices that will effect her and her children for a long time. OP is the AH." - PrincessAnnesFeathers
Others said that her teen daughter would likely go no contact with her as soon as possible.
"You're going to ruin your relationship with your younger daughter to save your older daughter who is making some of the worst life decisions ever."
"Leave her money alone! Let her have a chance to make something out of her life. YTA." - cthulularoo
"You are a massive a**hole. Not only do you have a loser daughter who can't seem to figure out how birth control works, but you also took money from your younger daughter who is actually trying to better herself and get away from the sucky family life you've subjected her to."
"If she's smart, she'll go 100 percent no contact with you, and you'll forever after be dead to her. YTA and you know it. You suck." - JanetInSpain
"On the plus side, the younger daughter will save massively in future, because having cut off her mother and older sister, hanger-on boyfriend, and their future 16 kids, she'll be able to spend her money on her own family."
"OP: I bet your daughter was right, and you'll remember that moment as the moment you discarded her and told her she wasn't worth your time or money." - randomdude2029
"I hope the younger daughter thrives despite the odds. I hope that she's so successful that when the rest of her deadbeat family comes begging for money, she says 'no.' They'll come with so many sob stories and promises to pay her back."
"'Destiny's pregnant with her second baby from her newest boyfriend!' 'No.'"
"'My truck needs to get fixed. I can't even get to my favorite hunting spot now!' 'No.'"
"'I didn't pay my taxes and now the IRS is making all these threats!' 'No.'"
"'Mackynzie is getting divorced again. She needs help!' 'No.'"
"'Well, Brandon was arrested for drugs and needs a lawyer!' 'No.'" - Wise-Celebration9892
"Her good daughter is going to go NC\LC (no contact or low contact) with her."
"Her other daughter that she is favoring appears to be a trainwreck coupled to a trainwreck. When bad mom runs out of children's future to steal and needs money to survive, do you think the loser daughter is going to be able to help her?"
"Nope, she is going to start whining to the good daughter about blood and family and obligation. I hope the good daughter says, 'Remember that moment I told you to remember?' and then hangs up." - AdAccomplished6870
"OP, you wrote, 'She got very cold and said, 'You always brag about having a good memory. I hope you remember this moment then.'"
"This is your youngest telling you that if you or your firstborn need any help in the future, expect to look elsewhere."
"People who have four children don't have the luxury of dipping out of employment when they feel like it, especially during the holiday season. You are penalizing the highly functioning minor daughter for other adult's selfish and foolish choices."
"She sounds MORE than smart enough to not let you do that to her twice. YTA." - Top_Put1541
The subReddit was appalled by the choices the OP had made, even if she wanted to be a good grandmother and make sure that her grandchildren had a safe place to live while their parents were financially struggling.
It seemed the OP's eldest daughter and daughter's boyfriend had turned making questionable decisions into a lifestyle, and their choices shouldn't come at the expense of another human being, especially when it sets that other person up for failure, and even more especially when it's a family member.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp