Worrying for the people that we love is pretty natural.
Whether they are sick, away from home, or just having a hard time, we concern ourselves with their well-being. We can’t help it sometimes.
But what happens when the person you rely on most does not react in the way you expect when you seriously need them, like in a medical emergency?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) CalligrapherWrong221 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for ignoring my husband after he ignored me in the hospital”
OP started with the setting.
“This is going to be a long one, so buckle up, but ill try to keep it as short as possible.”
“My husband (24M) is visiting his family in Florida. I’m (24F) visiting mine in Pennsylvania.”
“I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant with my first child.”
Everything was fine until…
“The past few days, I was having pretty bad cramping, which I thought was just maybe Braxton hicks or round ligament pain, so I ignored it.”
“Well yesterday, it started getting severely worse, and there was blood in my urine.”
“I waited a few hours, but when the pain didn’t lighten up, I called my husband and informed him I was going to the ER.”
Things escalated at the hospital.
“I was told it was a severe UTI on the verge of becoming a kidney infection, which was causing me to have contractions along with a fever.”
“I texted my husband about 20 times while in the hospital and didn’t get a response.”
“After finally being discharged, I called him, and he was absolutely sh*t-faced.”
“Of course I get angry at him, inform him that I am angry, and say I don’t want to speak to him tonight.”
That sent OP’s husband into a tailspin.
“Well, he decided to start messaging his family’s group chat that I am a part of, also a discord server I talk to all my online friends in because I wasn’t responding to his text messages.”
“I’ll copy a couple of the messages.”
‘“I’m sorry I’m not ever allowed to drink. I came home to visit my family one time and drank once. I’m sorry I wanted to spend time with my family once having fun.'”
“‘If you never want me to drink and spend time with my family, then f*ck it. I’ll never talk to them again, but my dad died, and I see them for the first time since, and you are mad that I drank with them once”’
“Ok sorry, I wanted to have a drink one time with my family after my dad passed I’ll never take a sip of alcohol again just for you”
“For reference, his dad passed seven months ago.”
“I have NEVER told my husband he’s not allowed to drink, I even encouraged him multiple times to go out with his family, and I made the plans for him to visit them.”
“I immediately call him to try to mediate and calm him down to stop the embarrassment he was causing me, but instead, his sister answers the phone.”
“She goes on to tell me I need to learn to trust, that she and his family told him to stay off his phone and to ‘relax and have fun!’ since it was his last night there, that I need to ‘let past sh*t go'”.
“And told me I am ‘sensitive and dramatic’ due to being pregnant.”
“And then he ignored me for the rest of the night.”
OP was left to wonder:
“Now I just need to know, am I the a**hole in this situation?”
“Edit to add – he was not drunk before I went to the hospital. I spoke with him on the phone prior.”
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some felt that OP’s husband was to blame.
“NTA.”
“He’s being manipulative, using his dad’s death to guilt-trip you and playing to the gallery.”
“It’s noticeable that neither he nor his family shows the slightest concern for the fact you could have been losing HIS CHILD.” ~ Now_Villager
“NTA.”
“And he needs to learn the difference between ‘having a drink’ and ‘getting sh*t-faced.'”
“I’d also question the care of the family that encourages him to ignore his pregnant hospitalized spouse.”
“Lot to unpack there.” ~ maevinn
“Yes, there were multiple wrong choices he made here.”
“Getting sh*tfaced was the least of these problems, and of course, the husband is focusing on that to make himself seem like a victim.”
“Like I said in my response to this comment, I’d sober right the f*ck up if someone important to me told me they were in the hospital.”
“Not to mention I’d absolutely apologize if I got too drunk to deal with something like that.” ~
moth_girl_7
While others felt this was a larger issue.
“Your husband is abusive, his family is enabling him, and you are 1000% NTA.”
“Get out ASAP – his already heinous behavior is far more likely to get worse than it is to get better” ~ DreamingOfNYC
“This!”
“Op, please do this”
“What he is doing is on purpose to control the narrative. He not only gets sh*t-faced knowing that you were in the hospital, but venting in all your groups’ chats, making you look controlling”
“That’s concerning. This is no mistake.” ~ notyoureffingproblem
“This is absolutely it, OP.”
“Why are you accepting this as what you deserve?”
“How much have you suffered in your life that you would allow a man to treat you this way?”
“I am so sorry for everything you have endured. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.”
“Other commenters are right. A loving partner would have been on the next plane.”
“At the very minimum, a partner that cared about you would have been monitoring their phone all day. You deserve a partner who puts the same effort in that you do.”
“Your child deserves to know what Mom is like when she is truly happy. YOU deserve to know what life is like when you are truly happy.”
“A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.”
“I hope you feel better soon. ❤️” ~ Personal_Regular_569
And, of course, personal stories.
“Twelve years ago, I landed in the hospital for several days for a kidney infection while 22 weeks pregnant.”
“My then-husband, the father of my son, refused to stay overnight with me when the doctors asked him to because he had a class in the morning and it would be ‘inconvenient’ to stay with me when ‘he didn’t have to.'”
“I cried like a baby, but I forgave him and made excuses for him to my mother (who stayed with me in his place and was incandescent with rage on my behalf).”
“Our divorce was finalized last week, but I wish to God I’d done it twelve years ago. Don’t make the mistake I did, OP. It will not get better from here.” ~ the_divine_sara
“Wiggling in here as another currently pregnant wife, your husband is not husband material.”
“My husband is an actual alcoholic (he’s working on it), and there is still absolutely no way he would be willing to leave me and our daughter like that.”
“I’m currently 38 weeks, and he’s been restricting himself to a beer or two, maybe once a week, just in case anything goes wrong.”
“Previously in our relationship, before we even had kids, he’s been sh*tfaced drunk, and I got scared about one of his friends, he instantly sobered up to take care of me.”
“If he didn’t have his phone on him and he saw 20 texts from me when he got back to it, he would instantly call me and apologize and be frantic with worry, just like I would be with him.”
“Your child’s father does not see you or your kid as a priority in his life, and his family sucks.”
“My husband’s family sucks too, but he sides with me because I’m his wife.”
“Think about how this guy would take care of your kid. Can you trust him with them?” ~
Half_Adventurous
“Heck, my boyfriend of a year (at that time) signed out during a busy day at work because I had a high fever that wasn’t responding to medication.”
“And when I was hospitalized while he was out of town, came back early so that I wouldn’t have to be in hospital alone.”
“I can’t imagine this kind of behavior from someone whose wife and unborn child are at risk.” ~ D-Jewelled
“The fact that his dad died recently makes this so much weirder for me.”
“After my dad died, I was hyper-aware of the possibility that my loved ones could die.”
“Anytime someone I loved was even the least bit sick, I was WORRIED.”
“The fact that this man, who recently lost his dad, was told that his pregnant wife was going to the emergency room with super concerning symptoms.”
“Just put his phone to the side and never checked for messages just to know his wife and child hadn’t also died? I cannot comprehend it.” ~ readthethings13579
As an anxiety sufferer, I know that ‘worry’ can be detrimental to your own well-being and the health of the relationships you nurture.
Still, though, if your reaction to a loved one’s difficulty is to ignore it, you may have other problems.