Everyone’s free to make the decision of whether or not to allow children to attend their wedding and other important events.
But they must go into their decision, understanding that it may impact who attends, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Equivalent-Pen-1917 already wasn’t too excited about her brother-in-law’s upcoming wedding because of some past family drama.
But when he and his future wife decided they were having a childfree wedding, it made the Original Poster’s (OP) decision to not attend much easier.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to babysit during my brother-in-law’s wedding?”
The OP was bitter about an unresolved family feud prior to her wedding.
“Two weeks before my (32 Female) and my husband’s (34 Male) 2018 wedding, my BIL (Brother-in-Law) got drunk during my husband’s stag (bachelor) party.”
“My BIL and two of the cousins shared group texts with everyone at the party about me, which were extremely offensive, resulting in an argument between my husband and BIL.”
“No one ever apologized, and my in-laws covered for those involved. They said I overreacted and that it was just ‘British humor.'”
“These comments mocked my appearance, non-British accent, family, and health issues.”
“I basically ignored everyone from that point on, always polite but distant, and made no attempts at friendship.”
The OP and her brother-in-law had important events happening around the same time.
“At Christmas, we announced our pregnancy and the due date in August.”
“At the same time, my BIL and future sister-in-law (FSIL) announced their wedding date and venue for October 2023. The location is two hours from our house.”
“A few days later, my MIL asked me if I had looked at the venue online, which I had. The venue caters to kid-free events.”
“I said to my Mother-in-Law (MIL) that it looked lovely, but I was concerned about the kid-free element and distance from our house since weddings are an ALL-day thing.”
“My MIL said, ‘Oh, they’re not having a kid-free wedding.'”
But the OP’s MIL was either misinformed or misleading.
“We got an invitation in the mail, and it was for a kid-free wedding, which is okay with us.”
“With the invitation was a note that read that at the request of MIL/FIL, the couple had reserved a guest room at the venue for us the night of the wedding.”
“We politely RSVPed, saying we wouldn’t be attending because we couldn’t leave our baby overnight as we have no one we feel comfortable leaving him with!”
“He’ll only be seven weeks by that time, I have no family in the UK, my husband’s family will be at wedding, and my husband said he won’t go if our baby and I aren’t going.”
The family didn’t like that RSVP.
“The next day, my MIL/FIL called, upset we aren’t attending and said I could spend the day in the room during the wedding because ‘it would look bad if my husband was not there.'”
“My husband told them that was ridiculous to expect me to spend the day in a hotel room with my infant.”
“MY FIL argued that several cousins had small children and were still attending, but we stood firm.”
The family then found a loophole that did not work for the OP and her husband.
“One week later, my FIL announced that a cousin’s friend had agreed to watch all the family kids, including six kids under the age of four, plus our seven-week-old in OUR home during the wedding since it was the closest home to the venue.”
“We politely declined and explained I just had a c-section eight days ago, and I also was not leaving my seven-week-old overnight with one stranger and a group of six kids.”
The arrangements only got worse from there.
“We thought that was the end of it, but three days ago, I got a message from one of the cousins, asking to call about the wedding. I showed it to my husband and we forgot about it until yesterday.”
“Our cousin’s wife called, wanting to know what items she should bring for her daughter…”
“As it turns out, my FIL and BIL told the family that we aren’t attending, because we offered to keep ALL the cousins’ children at our house and babysit them!”
“I was MAD. I told her that was not true and that I wasn’t running an overnight drop-in service for a bunch of people who didn’t even like me.”
“My in-laws are saying my refusal is embarrassing and is making them and my BIL look bad.”
“My BIL has called repeatedly, and several of the group text participants have left messages to ‘chat’ about the wedding arrangements.”
“My husband and some of the family members are on my side, but others feel like I’m being petty and holding a grudge to ruin BIL’s wedding.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn’t think the OP was YTA but felt she should have convinced her husband to attend.
“You certainly don’t owe anyone babysitting and they are a**holes for being presumptuous and entitled. So yeah, for your specific question, you’re NTA.”
“But… they’re allowed to have a kid-free wedding if they want, and they did attempt to accommodate you in a couple of different ways, which you’re under no obligation to accept.”
“But your husband should still go to his brother’s wedding instead of basically trying to punish them for making it kid-free. I think he’d regret skipping it.” – theimperfexionist
“Early on, you should have encouraged him to go to his brother’s wedding.”
“I’m not sure he should now, but at first, he should’ve gone. You could’ve had a friend stay with you.”
“They clearly suck. NTA.” – Steve3124
“NTA, but it’s weird you won’t just go stay in a hotel nearby so your husband can still go…” – kringlek222
Others reassured the OP that she was NTA for not wanting to attend this particular wedding.
“I wouldn’t leave my home, especially with a newborn AND after having a c-section… absolutely don’t do this! Your baby’s immunity isn’t up to being carted to a hotel, which is rife with bacteria.”
“Besides how much stuff would you have to cart for overnight stay(s), young kids need soooo much stuff. In addition, YOU likely won’t feel up to leaving your home after major abdominal surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, and the bone-aching sleep deprivation.”
“Nah. I would get your husband to message everyone and go full Daenerys Targaryen in the last episode… and inform them HE does NOT agree to be used as a nanny service. That none of you are available and how insulting their behavior is. Tell them he had better not see nor hear from any of them regarding this wedding and babysitting again as his next reaction won’t be as polite.”
“NTA.” – WelschWickedWitch
“NTA. You don’t owe them anything, and not attending a wedding because of a new baby is entirely reasonable.”
“Before the rest of the drama, I would have said it would be good for your husband to go still. Maybe leave early to drive back home to you.”
“But after this behavior, maybe not.” – 7937397
“NTA. At the last minute, say good news, you are going to the wedding.”
“Then show up with the baby and stand in the back holding it for the ceremony.”
“During the reception, make a big deal of being the baby around to everyone to steal the spotlight.”
“If they don’t let you in, make a huge scene.”
“THAT is how you’d be the AH!” – madogvelkor
“OP, FIRST: NTA, NTA, SO MUCH NTA.”
“Now, here’s some of the best advice my brilliant therapist ever gave me to shrug off any names or guilt they try to throw your way like they don’t affect you at all.”
“This denies them the satisfaction of your emotional reaction, and you’ve given them nothing to use against you.”
“Nasty people: You won’t watch our kids??? You’re such a b***h!”
“You, being unsettlingly calm: All right, I’m a b***h.”
“Nasty or misinformed people: S**t! This is going to ruin the wedding. We can’t go if you don’t take them! What are we supposed to do?!”
“You, still calm: I really don’t know, but I can’t help you. I wish you the best of luck, though.”
“Repeat as necessary until you get an opportunity to end the conversation.”
“Also, congratulations on your baby! I know you and your husband are going to be phenomenal parents, and that he’ll grow up knowing he’s safe and loved.” – NotThisOne-ThatOne
Some also advised the OP to prevent children from being dropped off before the wedding.
“NTA.”
“Be prepared. They will leave their kids at your doorstep the day off.”
“Don’t he home. Plan a trip with your baby and husband.”
“Your husband is doing the only thing that he should do, and that’s not going to that wedding. Especially since his family keeps disrespecting you, his wife.”
“The sheer audacity.” – cultqueennn
“NTA: The nerve of your in-laws! Props to your hubby for being on your side.”
“Be prepared for the day of the wedding for folks to show up at your door with children in tow because you couldn’t have really meant you weren’t watching their children.” – debdnow
“Just to add to this, your husband needs to make it clear to each and every person that you and he will NOT be doing this, and there will be no one home on the day of. These people need to be extra informed so that they don’t just leave their kids on your f**kin’ doorstep because they all SOUND like they’d do just that. Jesus. Anyway. NTA.” – OhioPolitiTHIC
“Arrange to be out of the house that day because as sure as God made little green apples someone will show up with kids. NTA.” – Traveling-Techie
“NTA.”
“Your in-laws sound pretty entitled, unkind, and more concerned about saving face and their appearance than about your feelings as a daughter-in-law and a member of their family.”
“I also wouldn’t be surprised if family members attempt to drop their kids off at your place anyway and I would suggest that you get ahead of that by sending out a group message to the people with children saying that you are not providing childcare and any children left at your home you will be contacting the proper authorities for child abandonment.”
“Whether you do or not is up to you, but you should make sure they know you and your husband aren’t f**king around with this.” – ANBU_Black_Ops
“NTA!”
“A single message needs to be sent from your husband in the group chat:”
“‘We will not be looking after any children except our own, and we will not be attending the wedding. I cannot tell you all how ashamed I am of your behavior towards my family. We are not your free babysitters, and my wife is no longer to be the butt of your jokes. Rest assured that should ANYONE attempt to drop their children at our home then we will call Social Services for child abandonment. This is the last I will say on this matter, and I will prioritize my wife and child over all of you.'”
“Then leave the group chats. As a Brit, I’m ashamed of them. I am so so sorry that they’ve used the s**tty ‘British humor’ as an excuse for awful behavior and, frankly, bullying.”
“If you were local, I’d stand guard at your door to make sure they did not disturb your peace.” – Pandora840
The subReddit was totally appalled by how the OP was being treated by her husband’s family, though it was refreshing to see her husband defending her, unlike many other AITA posts.
They clearly needed to make other arrangements for the wedding and for all the family’s kids, and depending on the OP and her husband was definitely not the way to go.