Having a baby is an exciting life event.
It is also a challenging and daunting life experience.
New parents fumble their way through everything.
It can also be a very sensitive time when it comes to emotions.
So now and again someone may say something with the best of intentions that can lead to chaos.
These are times when the truth may not set anyone free.
Case in point...
Redditor Own_Smoke3137 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not lying to my D[aughter] I[n] L[aw] about my post partum weight loss?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son, 27 and his wife, the same age had a baby 4 months ago."
"I recently went over to see them."
"They seemed a bit tense, but what new parents aren't?"
"So anyway, my DIL asked me how long it took to lose my weight and to get back to 'normal.'"
"I said that I wore my normal clothes home, and never really gained much weight with any of my pregnancies."
"My mother was the same, as are my daughters."
"Then she asked if I really wore makeup home."
"I asked why she was asking but she insisted on an answer, so I said yes."
"She ran off crying."
"I asked my son WTF was going on and he said she saw some pictures and didn't believe it was him as a baby, it must be a niece because it was impossible."
"Apparently, he said obviously it's not impossible, you are looking at the picture."
"So she had been snotty about it."
"We decided it was best to leave."
"Later, her mother decided to call me and tell me I should not go over there till I apologize and I told her that I'm not apologizing for telling the truth."
"She told me I'm a b*tch and hung up."
"My husband thinks this is ridiculous, but my DIL is still mad, and my son ended up staying here last night because she was insinuating that I must have done drugs to keep that skinny."
"He's back there but my daughter called and said he was asking to stay there for 'awhile.'"
"It's a mess."
"I don't want to apologize."
"The pictures were in a baby book/scrapbook my eldest made."
"My son didn't just show her the pics."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"These first few comments are wild speculation and need to downvote."
"There is exactly no evidence that the son/ husband is to blame."
"DIL sounds incredibly insecure but that might well be just her." ~ Eastofdark
"10000% - why do people automatically make assumptions?"
"Could he be a jerk? Yes."
"But it could also be that she's just an exhausted, still very swollen, puffy new mom who is feeling very self-conscious on her own? Also yes."
"She could be someone who struggles with body image before pregnancy."
"There are a billion other scenarios that don't make the husband the automatic bad guy."
"I had my daughter and felt amazing - no pain wasn't tired."
"So on the way home from the hospital, I stopped by Walmart (where I worked before being put on bed rest) to grab a few necessities."
"My ex-husband asked if I wanted him to run in, but I actually wanted to do it."
"I'd been stuck on bed rest prior to her birth and just wanted to do something normal for the first time in months."
"He stayed in the car with the babe, I ran in."
"I bumped into several people I knew and ALL of them said 'Jeez, when are you popping that baby out.'"
"Um - 3 days ago?"
"I wasn't a self-conscious kind of person but it was still like holy Toledo, so I look that bad?"
"Back home I go! I had a mini-meltdown in the car."
"But he does need to get his dumb@ss home to his sad wife and brand new baby (and get the M[other] I[n] L[aw] outta there if she's causing issues). NTA." ~ TheBurgTheWord
"Or, hear me out, it could be that she's insecure and still hopped up on tons of hormones due to having a baby and taking care of it."
"That and probably being sleep deprived."
"It can be really really hard to be rational if you have those things going on."
"Pregnant women/new moms cry about crazy things all the time."
"I mean sh*t, I cry about stupid things two weeks leading up to my monthly."
"She's probably super insecure, was going through a scrapbook because baby pictures are cute, and she now has her own baby, and then saw OP and instantly felt bad."
"This stuff happens."
"It could be that she just has some issues that are not even related to how her husband might be treating her."
"NTA OP, sounds like she's having a rough time and you're in the crossfire." ~ Beautiful_Hornet776
"I think there is a good chance she is very hormonal, has a severe lack of sleep, and is just dealing with the stress of having a new baby."
"While living in a world that has photoshopped celebrities showing their post-baby body that they got back in a week like it was no big deal."
"And a society that in general just constantly shoves insane impossible beauty standards and expectations of mothers down everyone's throats at every corner while passive-aggressively insinuating that these standards are perfectly normal and easily attainable and if you can't it's because u a big ol lazy failure."
"I would say 'I'm sorry I had no intention of upsetting or insulting you,' because is it fair?"
"No, but it will keep the peace and in the long run it's not a hill to die on."
"And she doesn't have to apologize for what she did because she did nothing wrong. She just needs to assure her it isn't a personal attack and she meant nothing by it."
"Then give her space because hormones or not, OP doesn't have to tolerate such behavior." ~ Razzlesndazzles
"OP please go talk to your DIL in person and ask what's wrong calmly."
"No you didn't lie but most women aren't like you so she's probably feeling bad about herself and the weight gain. (You should tell her this)."
"Reassure her it's ok and see if you can get to the bottom of this."
"I don't know if your son said something or she's just in a vulnerable state after birth but it would be a kindness on your side to help her come to terms with whatever issues she is having." ~ Organic_Start_420
"I mean, she is giving the full story?"
"She was naturally thin and didn't put on extra weight during pregnancy."
"She also decided to wear makeup going home."
"Women judging women goes BOTH ways and this is a case where a woman feels lesser because she's seen another woman just doing her own thing."
"It's sad for DIL that she is this insecure but she has to deal with that insecurity herself and stop blaming other women for it."
"OP is doing nothing wrong simply stating the truth, does not need to apologize, and it's not on her to placate her DIL being rude about her body."
"Like saying she must have been on drugs to be thin after pregnancy, what the f**k, totally unacceptable and out of order."
"Like in your example - someone 'explaining' they had an eating disorder is no one's business."
"Even if an image of you with an eating disorder makes someone else insecure."
"It is not on a woman with an eating disorder to say, 'Oh but I was actually really ill with an eating disorder, and that's why I was thin!'"
"This sh*t is STILL placing values and judgment on weight and bodies as if you have to explain away your own body to make someone else feel better. F**k that."
"We are all allowed to exist and not feel the need to placate others about it."
"I'm tired of women feeling like they can judge other women because someone else simply existing/doing their own thing makes them feel insecure or less than others."
"It's internalized misogyny and, as sad as it is for DIL, she is out of line and needs to be pushed to do some serious reflecting on herself - not for OP to make her feel better." ~ faroffland
"I don't think you did anything wrong by answering her questions truthfully."
"BUT I think it would be really nice for you to go to her and tell her that you didn't mean to upset her and that everyone's body works differently and that's okay."
"If she responds poorly then that's her own problem and responsibility, but it sounds like she might need support from another woman." ~ -too-hot-to-handle-
"So she should open herself up to someone who already accuses her of doing drugs bc she didn't gain much weight with her pregnancies."
"She is a grown woman who at this age (27!) should know that all bodies are different and that folks respond to body changes differently."
"I would not be going over there until she apologized for the drug use accusations."
"The MIL already tried to ask why she wanted to know, but the DIL insisted on an answer."
"OP def is NTA but the DIL sure is." ~ BabeWithThePower713
Well, OP, Reddit is on your side.
You were asked a question, and you answered honestly.
It sounds like DIL is feeling overwhelmed and may need some help.
It probably wasn't personal.
Hopefully, this will all pass over soon.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp