Family dynamics are complicated, to say the least.
When it comes to holidays, rarely does everyone agree on one plan.
For Redditor isolated-wife, her daughter’s birthday is falling on the same day her sister wants to celebrate Mother’s Day.
The Original Poster (OP) put her foot down, which caused an argument that ultimately led her to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked,
“AITA for not wanting to share my daughter’s birthday?”
She went on to explain.
“So I really don’t think I’m TA here.”
“My [29-year-old Female] sister [28-year-old Female] lately has been taking it upon herself to organize family dinners for ‘quality time’.”
“She’s newly married, so I don’t know if it’s a nesting thing or what.”
“Saturday is my daughter’s birthday, and I organized a party for her. She’s turning four, and I invited everyone.”
“My sister decided to organize a dinner right after the party for “mother’s day” so she doesn’t have to, in her own words, “drive all that way twice”. She lives 30 mins away..”
“Anyway, she made the reservation. She told us.”
“I said uh sorry no, that’s my daughter’s birthday, and even if her party is over at that time, we are going home and my daughter is going to enjoy her ENTIRE birthday.”
“(She’s four, so I’m sure she will want to go home and open all her new toys), and they don’t need me there if they want to do their mother’s day time with our mom the same day.”
“I can see our mom on actual mother’s day.”
“For some background they do this a lot. My sister’s son [8-year-old Male] gets the WHOLE family at his soccer games, but no one comes to my daughter’s gymnastics.”
“I made big plans for Easter, which included inviting them to an Easter Fair specific to kids with sensory issues. (My daughter is autistic).”
“They showed up late, missed the entire hunt, and left after only a few minutes because everyone made plans for the zoo last minute, and then guilted ME for not wanting to go.”
“They treat my daughter like being little and autistic means she’s incapable of getting her feelings hurt or that shes not able to see when they’re doing this.”
“She has babysat for me literally barely a handful of times. When her son was little I watched him CONSTANTLY while she went out.”
“My in laws family knew him better than her in laws, because I was always forced to either bring him with me or cancel plans.”
“She left me with him, after I said no, at my own bridal shower because she had a date (with her now husband).”
“Anyway, it turned into a HUGE argument with my family, my sister left the family group chat. I got called selfish by literally everyone.”
“Apparently, my sister was making some kind of announcement at this dinner, and her husband was busy on actual Mother’s day.”
“I said, ‘I don’t care, pick a day that’s not my kid’s birthday. I’m busy the WHOLE day, not just the length of the party.’”
“Noone is speaking to me now. And likely, no one is coming to my daughter’s birthday at all.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“There is nothing wrong in wanting your daughter to celebrate her birthday instead of a mother’s day party where she will be treated in a not a good way by her family.”
“You yourself said they don’t treat her like a 4-year-old should be treated.” – Terrible_Strawberry5
“N TA. It sounds like your sister wants to control everything. Good job standing your ground for your daughter. It sounds like she’s already not being treated well.”
“Continue to love and protect her. That’s all you can do.” – Littlemack18
“NTA for wanting to give your daughter a whole day to celebrate her birthday. And besides, she’s 4.”
“After her party, she’s going to be wiped out, amped up, or both, and almost certainly not in any shape to be going to a restaurant for a nice meal.”
“Heading home for some time with her new toys in her own space with only her people around her, and where she can pass out if she needs to from all the stimulation, is really going to be what she needs.”
“(Is what I was going to say before I saw that she was autistic. Now I want to say it twice, because that goes double for neurospicy kids)” – Hadespuppy
“NTA”
“‘Apparently my sister was making some kind of announcement at this dinner, and her husband was busy on actual mother’s day.’”
“I’m guessing she’s pregnant.”
“Regardless, you’re busy Saturday. Expecting you to accommodate her plans constantly is ridiculous, particularly at the cost of your daughter’s birthday.”
“She’s calling you selfish, but she’s the one who threw a tantrum over not getting her way.”
“She’s the one that couldn’t handle attention being on a four-year-old for the one day out of the year that’s their birthday without trying to schedule something on top of it.”
“She’s the one who couldn’t handle your attention being focused on your daughter on her own birthday.”
“And now the family is willing to punish you and your daughter.”
“They’re being a**holes.”
“‘My sister’s son gets the WHOLE family at his soccer games, but no one comes to my daughter’s gymnastics.’”
“Again, a**holes. I think bringing up this double standard is warranted.”
“I also think maybe it’s time to stop inviting the family who is choosing to treat a child like this – they’ve made their feelings clear.”
“Your nephew is their favorite, and your daughter (and you) are an afterthought.” – Kettlewise
“It may be a lot to assume, but this whole situation just sounds like a family that couldn’t be bothered with a medical diagnosis of Autism.”
“I know families just like this, the “it’s not Autism, it’s just a phase” group that will straight up ignore medical fact because they can’t be bothered to alter their lifestyle or be inconvenienced in any way whatsoever.”
“To acknowledge the child has autism would be admitting they are the ones failing you and your daughter, because they’re perfectly capable of changing their lifestyle to accommodate her but simply refuse to.”
“Some people will do anything to avoid placing the blame on themselves.”
“Even if they acknowledge the autism, it legitimately seems like they think it means she doesn’t matter, like at all.”
“They seriously might have such an ignorant level of understanding of autism to the point they think everyone with autism is “checked out” or “not there”…”
“…and so they think their actions won’t matter “because she won’t remember anyways,” completely ignoring how autism is a spectrum…”
“…and people who are diagnosed with it have a vast range of functioning between “wouldn’t know it unless they told you” to “in need of full time professional medical assistance”.”
“Just sounds like a family that is uncomfortable around mental disability and is expressing it via action rather than words.”
“NTA. That’s just my read on this situation, but then again, this is from a very limited perspective with limited information from OP only.” – The_Nut_Bucket
“NTA. Just had a convo on another post where we were talking about child neglect from parents, but other family affects them as well.”
“Your daughter’s feelings should be all that matters to you. Ask her what she wants to do and go from there.”
“Either way I don’t think you are an a**hole because you’re looking out for her.”
“And if no one shows up for her birthday party (if I’ve got this right, the parties are on two separate days), then they are the a**holes. Support should be shown to all family as much as possible.” – SmokinGus
The OP went on to update her original post.
“UPDATE:”
“Thank you everyone for all the support. It makes me feel a lot better, especially since the smear campaign is still ongoing.”
“I blocked the number of the main [family member] (my older brother, 40), canceled the arcade reservation, and decided to take the few people who were coming to Knott’s Berry Farm!”
“The price shakes out to about the same, and I can contact their accessibility department for resources and guides for the special needs kids.”
“I think this is going to go way better.”
“My mom is ditching the mothers day dinner “for her” and coming with us because she said my daughter’s birthday is more important than another mother’s day, so I’m feeling really good about that.”
“❤️”
“SECOND UPDATE:”
“Had my sister and nephew moved off my phone bill. She can pay for their service from now on. [Family member] (brother) is still in his screeching, but both of them are blocked from contacting me.”
“I feel sad that this limits her on family, but no family is better than a family that forces you always to take last place and tells you to be happy about it. I definitely know that.”
“We are going to have a blast at Knott’s, and special thank you’s to the responses to my inbox from fellow neurospicy users with all the tips on making sure she has a great time there without getting overwhelmed!!! ❤️”
Happy birthday to the OP’s daughter, and Happy Mother’s Day to the rockstar mom herself.