When two single parents meet and start to date, the possibility of them forming a new family is exciting and romantic.
But there are many variables that can get in the way of all the members of the family being happy, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While looking forward to her wedding, Redditor M2Yb23 had reservations about her future stepson and how he would impact her sons.
When he wanted to live with them instead of his biological mother, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure it was a good idea.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not allowing my stepson to live with us?"
The OP's future stepson wanted to live with them instead of his biological mother.
"I have two boys (10 Male and 5 Male), and I'm getting married in the next few weeks to my boyfriend, who has a 12-year-old son from a previous relationship."
"My future husband's son asked his dad if he could come live with us after we get married because he wants to experience a genuine family dynamic with parents and siblings, given that his biological parents never married anyone else."
"My husband is on board with this idea, believing it would contribute positively to the boy's personal growth."
The OP had concerns about her future stepson moving in, however.
"I expressed to my husband that I have reservations about having him live with us, based on observations during the weekends he spends at our place:"
"Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so. When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom, he does so with obvious reluctance."
"For example, Let's say we're at a park. I can't let my five-year-old go to the bathroom alone. So, I might have my stepson accompany him for safety reasons. It's the kind of thing an older child should do for a younger one."
"Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak toward my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. I find this overly competitive atmosphere uncomfortable. I desire my children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment."
"The third and most significant concern is his academic and behavioral performance. My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. I am concerned about his potential negative influence on my children, particularly my older son."
The OP's future husband and mother didn't agree with her reservations.
"My husband dismisses these concerns as typical for his age, believing that with our guidance, he could improve."
"I sought advice from my mother, and she disagrees with me, asserting that providing a united family environment could greatly benefit my stepson."
"Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Whether they gave an NTA or not, some understood the OP's reservations about moving in.
"I'm concerned you don't think those behaviors are completely normal. I also have three boys, and they have definitely done those exact same things to one another."
"NTA for having reservations. However, considering what your reservations are, YTA."
"You've known this kid since he was less than two years old and now have given some pretty bulls**t reasons for your concerns, in my opinion." - CaveJohnson82
"NTA, exactly. I get that you're concerned for your children. But let me give you some food for thought."
"First, the stepson will also be one of your children. You need to accept him like you want your husband-to-be to accept your two. If you aren't willing to do that, you probably need to break things off. Just being honest."
"Second, the twelve-year-old is reluctant to take his much younger sibling to the bathroom and is competitive with the one near his own age…? Haha, ma'am, I'm a dad of five wonderful children, and this sounds like very normal sibling behavior to me. I wouldn't worry about it."
"Now, struggling academically? Here's where I come closest to saying YTA. What are you gonna do if you have a biological child who struggles academically? Throw him/her out of the house so they're not maybe a bad influence on your other children? Of course not! You love them and realize they need a little extra help with school stuff."
"Who knows, maybe the confusion and instability of a single-parent home is part of what's causing that. I don't know what minor behavior challenges mean, exactly, but he's a 12-year-old boy. Boys are often a bit ornery. It comes with the territory."
"A good role model plus discipline that is firm, fair, and consistent will take care of pretty much all of that if you keep at it and give it time to work."
"I'm gonna hold with NTA, but skating on thin ice in some areas." - drfreemlizard
"I think you're somewhere in-between YTA and NTA. You have legitimate concerns about your stepson. He wasn't living with his father before, and living with that stepson wasn't something you really signed up for. Saying 'no' because of the concerns you raised I think is reasonable, but I think you could be handling the situation better."
"The father and son want to live together, and it is no different than your feelings for having your kids live with you. You're protective of your kids, and that's prudent. That said, I think you should be working towards some way to allow him to live with you."
"You should probably communicate some conditions if this kid wants to live with you. Something like getting his school grades up, modifying his behavior, etc... spell out what you think will prove this can work. And if he can, then you'll let him move in. And you can be just as clear about rules and what might make him have to move back in with his other parent." - aka_mythos
"I'm leaning towards NTA because I picture in six months you posting that your stepson lives with you, and your now husband does nothing to parent him or raise him, and everything falls on you. Which then everyone will say, that's not fair, and dad needs to step up."
"But I do think it would be good for your stepson to live with you prior to that happening. You and your fiancé need to step up and discuss boundaries and living arrangements, including things that all the children are treated equally (it's not your boys and his), that you both are viewed as authority figures and can talk with any of the children and it's respected (no 'you're not my mom' issues), and highly considered not only therapy for each of the kids but also family and couples therapy."
"Regardless, this is going to be a huge adjustment, and being proactive will be the best course." - punknprncss
"NTA. However, you might not be able to marry this guy."
"Here's why: There is a well-known social issue with adoption in which you NEVER disrupt the birth order. Kids develop as a part of a family unit and hold a specific place in that order: parent, firstborn, middle, youngest, etc."
"What you are doing by letting this boy live there is moving the oldest into the middle spot and doing so at very formative years in his life. It WILL MESS UP YOUR TEN-YEAR-OLD, no question. Just Google 'adoption birth order,' and read up on it."
"Also, there is nothing wrong with the 12-year-old who wants to join the family. His parents have put him in a less-than-perfect spot, and his desire to join your family is natural and good even. It's a heartbreaking situation; I feel for the 12-year-old, truly."
"But it's not as simple as 'he doesn't want to help out. It's a psychological crucible that you will submit your boys to, and that's if the 12-year-old boy is just normal. If he is selfish or has behavioral issues, it will be worse." - EpicMarcus
But others thought the OP was intentionally excluding her future stepson and was the AH.
"YTA. You're marrying his father, so you should start considering him as your son, as well."
"If your eldest son (10 Male) started displaying all these behaviors, then surely you wouldn't just kick him out and give up on him."
"I would get your boyfriend on board with ways to deal with the behaviors that you're not happy with." - PandaFrankOpinions
"YTA."
"Your future stepson sounds like a typical 12-year-old. You seem to think he is a free mother's helper for you with your younger child and that he should treat your older child like he is made of glass. He doesn't need to take your five-year-old to the bathroom and invite him to play. They have different interests given their seven-year age gap."
"Your ten-year-old son won't melt or break from competition. And lastly, a lot of kids that age go through some academic and minor behavioral struggles. Your own kids will, as well."
"I will say that if you continue this, your partner should refuse to marry you and should end the relationship. Your kids are not the only kids in your blended family, and they should not be your boyfriend's priority." - sheramom4
"At five years old, it is acceptable to bring your son into the ladies' room with you. You shouldn't be putting this responsibility on another child."
"The competitive streak you're describing is to gain your approval. He can tell you don't like him, and he's trying to prove himself to you."
"Of course, he's acting out at school. His father is about to marry an a**hole who treats him like s**t. How do you expect him to act?"
"You need a major attitude adjustment. Pro-tip from a teacher: find something you like about your stepson, and focus on it. You'll soon find other things you like about him, and then maybe all the negativity you feel towards him won't be quite so palpable. YTA." - HelenaBirkinBag
"YTA sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children but have no interest in being a mother to his."
"What would your reaction be if your fiance didn't want your boys living with y'all after marriage? Would it be a deal breaker? Would you consider it? Remember, it's what you're asking from him."
"You sound like you're digging up reasons, and even what you're scraping up isn't alarming behavior. Most 12-year-old boys aren't interested in playing with five-year-olds, even biological brothers. But his living there would give them all the opportunity to grow as siblings. And, of course, he isn't excited to be asked to chaperone a child to the bathroom, is your 10-year-old?"
"Overall, it seems very selfish and like you want your idea of the perfect family, which doesn't include your stepson. You should look for a partner without children." - ProofReplacement3278
"YTA."
"You said your future husband and your mom both called you unreasonable. That's because you are."
"Why should your sons be the only ones to benefit from having an intact family unit? Why can't you're sons be kicked to the curb in favor of your stepson? Because as much as you try to deny it, that's what you're doing."
"He's 12 years old. He's not a babysitter. You asking him to take your youngest to the bathroom is not his job. That's your job."
"The reason why he isn't gung ho to hang out with him is because he's seven freaking years older than him. Tell us, when you were 12, how enthused would you be to take a five-year-old to the bathroom and wipe their a**?"
"You are that stepmom. I hope to God your fiancé takes a good long look at the person you are and puts your wedding on hold." - BadBandit1970
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I know that I am not the best person, but I never mistreated or ignored my future stepson. I care for him, and I would never think of hurting him."
"I realize now that I was being overly protective of my own children and not considering things from my future stepson's perspective. I was afraid that my future stepson might bully my kids (for example, excluding the younger one from activities he enjoys, like building with Legos, or teasing the older one when he wins), but now I can see that if he wants to live with us, it's because he cares about his future siblings."
"Moreover, as a responsible adult, I understand that I have an obligation to help him with his behavior and school grades."
"I talked to my boyfriend, and I accept that he can come live with us."
"Now, we'll need to move to a new house so that each child can have their own room, and we'll have to work on getting custody."
The OP later shared a longer update in a separate post.
"I initially want to thank the comments that helped me understand that I was in the wrong. I learned that I was being extremely selfish, only looking out for my own children and my fear that they might somehow face bullying at home, but I wasn't considering the feelings of my stepson."
"I've also learned that the dynamics between siblings, something I never experienced, inevitably involve a bit of competition and rivalry."
"I was so focused on myself and my kids that I couldn't see that if he wants to live with us, then obviously he cares about us, especially the idea of having siblings. So, I hope we will work together to build a great dynamic in our house."
"I talked to my fiancé, even showed him this Reddit post, and told him that I agree our stepson should live with us and that I was wrong about my reservations concerning the boy."
"He talked to the mother of my stepson, who has legal custody of him."
"I didn't participate in the conversation, as I understand it was a moment for the biological parents."
"Despite being reluctant, after hearing from her own child that he wanted to live with us, she agreed to work out an arrangement where he will spend a significant amount of time with us."
"My fiancé and boy's mother will still have to discuss the details."
The OP's future stepson was super excited about the development.
"After that, my fiancé and I took my stepson out to eat his favorite burger and talked. I told him that we're happy to have him as a new member of our household, that we're going to look for a new house to accommodate the family better now that we'll be five, and that he can have his own room. He was very happy."
"We didn't address some concerns that I still have, like the issue of discipline and following rules. I avoided that topic so it doesn't seem like I'm threatening him to go back to living with his mom. I want him to feel accepted unconditionally in our home."
"But of course, we'll have that conversation about discipline with the older two soon to prevent any issues and also emphasize the importance of maintaining good grades in school."
The subReddit could understand that concerns would come with any shift in the family dynamic, but the concerns the OP had shouldn't necessarily be something to keep the family apart.
With some patience and grace for each family member, they surely could figure something out.
We applaud the OP for listening to the advice from the subreddit and using it to reevaluate things!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp