Teenagers and love.
What a messy situation.
People don’t like being teased about their possible love interests.
This can be an issue at any age, but it’s especially dramatic for the younger generations.
Hormones are running amok and nobody knows how they really feel.
But those feelings don’t excuse bad behavior.
Case in point…
Redditor motherbeeee wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for punishing my son for his, ‘preferences?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (41 F[emale]) have 2 children, 14 M[ale] and 11 M from my previous marriage.”
“My 14-year-old is the subject of this post.”
“I’ll call him Andrew.”
“Andrew has recently begun his first year of high school.”
“He doesn’t have a lot of friends because we live closer to a different high school than most of his former classmates ended up at.”
“Luckily one of his very close friends from a few years back goes to his school.”
“A girl I will call Dana.”
“They have become close again over the last 6ish weeks.”
“They spend time together at school and she has been coming over on weekends, or him at her house.”
“Andrew talks about her a lot. “
“To be honest, I thought they had crushes on each other.”
“By the way, Dana is mixed black with Vietnamese and we are white.”
“Unfortunately that is relevant.”
“Last weekend Dana was over for dinner. “
“Things were going normally until my 11-year-old made a joke about Dana being Andrew’s girlfriend.”
“He and my husband have been lightly teasing Andrew for a couple of weeks about Dana being his girlfriend and he always denies it hotly.”
“That night after my 11-year-old’s joke, Andrew not only denied it but spouted a, ‘I DON’T LIKE BLACK GIRLS!’ loudly for the entire table to hear, including Dana.”
“I was stunned.”
“Dana looked highly embarrassed.”
“I knew in the moment I would talk to him later, but just for the time being said something like, ‘Hey, that isn’t cool.'”
“The remainder of dinner was very awkward and then Dana left.”
“Once she was gone I told Andrew how he probably hurt Dana’s feelings.”
“I explained how black women and girls already struggle with feeling accepted in society, and that he was ignoring the other half of her race entirely.”
“Not to mention the bad example he was setting for his brother.”
“He went into defensive mode and said he just thinks dark girls are ‘ugly’ and is tired of people at home and at school thinking he would date, ‘someone like her.’”
“After that conversation, I told him that he was grounded until he offered Dana a sincere apology and made an effort to learn about misogynoir through reading.”
“I then told him that if I were Dana, I would not want to be his friend anymore after his racist remarks.”
“To my astonishment, this has been unpopular with my ex as well as my current husband.”
“My current husband is Puerto Rican, so I was doubly surprised he didn’t side with me.”
“They both say that Andrew is entitled to his own preferences when it comes to girls and I am wrong to punish him.”
“I took it more seriously from my current husband who has been on the receiving end of racism.”
“I now do not know what to do. “
“Andrew has apologized to D, but has yet to find a good book on misogyny and read it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I wrong for punishing him? Should I let him off the hook? AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“It isn’t about ‘preferences,’ it’s about humiliating Dana.”
“Your sons are both in the wrong: 11 M for cracking wise at the table about ‘girlfriends,’ and Andrew’s massive overreaction with heavy notes of racism.”
“This makes me wonder if he doesn’t have feelings of a kind for Dana.”
“Disappointing that both the dads are dismissing this as ‘preference.'”
“The only AHs here are the Y-chromosome bearers.” ~ Inner-Show-1172
“You have to remember that a lot of times if a topic is repeatedly being used to tease someone it’s eventually not gonna be harmless.”
“Eventually that person gonna break and that’s exactly what happened to your son.”
“That tease is what broke the camelback for him.”
“You should have a sit-down conversation with him and he needs to communicate if something he is being teased about is bothering him.” ~ lilwildjess
OP responded…
“I wondered as well if his strong reaction is because he does have a crush on Dana.”
“Maybe I should have taken my 11-year-old’s teasing more seriously.”
“I thought it was just playful and harmless, but thinking about it now I could have said something about that.”
Reddit continued…
“Actually going to go against the grain here a little.”
“ESH except Dana.”
“Yes what your son said was rude and he needs to apologize for what he said.”
“On the flip side, why is no one respecting a 14-year-old in his own home?”
“He said he’s not interested and to stop multiple times by your own account.”
“Why is everyone pushing a ‘boys can’t be friends with girls’ narrative on him?”
“That same narrative that encourages toxic masculinity and sexism towards women?”
“The reason he had such a strong assertion is because everyone has been bullying him over this topic for weeks now.”
“I would be worried about the message that is sending to both your sons.”
“On top of the mindset of your current husband.”
“People find humor in things they feel have at least a kernel of truth.”
“Moreover it’s not your place to decide your son’s relationship status or his feelings.”
“You just assumed he had a crush because he is hanging out with her a lot.”
“You said so yourself he doesn’t have a lot of friends.”
“Humans are social creatures and naturally will socialize as much as possible.”
“If they only have one or two people they will stick to them like glue by circumstance.”
“Your bad assumptions made you complicit in allowing the bullying his father and brother were doing.”
“All of this combined sends a message to your 14-year-old that his emotions do not matter.”
“This is how we get incels.”
“We teach men they can’t just be friends with girls and that the only way they can have any emotion is sexual ones.”
“Whether he has a crush on her or not does not matter.”
“What matters is he needs to have the agency to be able to freely express his own emotions without pre-emptive judgment.”
“That can’t happen if you’re assuming his emotions beforehand.” ~ LeadingJudgment2
“NTA. Of course, your son is allowed to have his preferences, but the way he expressed them – in front of Dana – and afterward is unacceptable.”
“Using words like he would never date ‘someone like her’ is just rude and racist.”
“I understand that he is annoyed by people assuming, but a normal ‘we are just friends and don’t have romantic feelings for each other’ would have done it and not also hurt his friend and demean her.”
“Also AH by the way are our younger son and husband for ‘teasing’ your son for his close friendship with a girl.”
“They should be punished too.” ~ MadameMimmm
“NTA. ‘Being entitled to your own preferences’ doesn’t mean being rude to those who don’t ‘fit’ them.”
“He could have asked to stop the teasing in kind.”
“The friendship with the girl probably will end or at least they won’t have the same trust.” ~ Fuzzy_Biscotti_7959
“NTA. You are right and you’re not punishing him for his preference.”
“You’re punishing him because of his attitude towards black girls.”
“You can not be attracted to someone without acting the way he did.”
“And as a black man, I gotta be honest, take your husband’s take with a grain of salt.”
“Puerto Rican people and most people of all racists regardless of if they have experienced racism don’t understand the complexities of racism.”
“Especially the more their society values whiteness.”
“Latin and Hispanic communities that are considered black still perform misogynoir let alone if he’s a white Puerto Rican.”
“You can recognize the deeper complexities that he writes off.”
“You’re right, don’t let him off. It’s better to try to better his attitude now even if they disagree with you.”
“Even if he doesn’t like it, even if he still thinks that way, maybe that seed will bloom when he grows enough to understand why this is wrong.” ~ nigrivamai
“NTA: He was cruel and awful to Dana.”
“Honestly, I would have defended her more vehemently right in front of her.”
“He was a terrible friend.”
“He can have his preferences, but his attitudes are racist.” ~ Beachrabbit123
OP came back to chat…
“Thank you everyone for your input.”
“I want to say that I see now I was wrong to view the teasing as lighthearted when it upset my son and led to him lashing out.”
“I feel the need to reaffirm that it was not me who personally was involved in the teasing, which seems to be a common misconception.”
“That said, I haven’t argued the point because I can see I was in the wrong for not putting an end to the teasing.”
“And it makes me no better than if I were directly involved.”
“I believe after this thread that I am justified in my punishment of my son for his racism, but for the rest, I owe him an apology just as he owed Dana one.”
“I am going to follow through with the grounding, but I will have a talk with Andrew about what was going on and try to explain again why he was apologizing.”
“I appreciate all of the recommendations on books and documentaries.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you, for the most part.
It sounds like your son does need some schooling on respect for others and attitude.
As does your younger son and husband.
Good luck.