There is still progress to be made, but we have thankfully reached a point where certain outdated views on gender roles are officially a thing of the past.
That men and women should all be expected to behave a certain way, and like certain things.
Sadly, some people are still in the mindset that men and women are expected to live up to certain expectations.
Particularly when it comes to relationships.
Redditor lost-my-mind-in-la was pleased that their teenage daughter had just started seeing her first serious boyfriend.
Something the original poster (OP) was much less pleased with, however, was the way they witnessed their daughter treating her new boyfriend.
Making matters a bit worse, their daughter’s behavior appeared to be encouraged by the OP’s wife, to which the OP wasted no time in expressing their displeasure.
Wondering if their anger was justified, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my wife it’s not ‘cute’ for her to encourage our teenage daughter to expect her boyfriend to pay for EVERYTHING in their relationship?”
The OP explained how they were dismayed by the way their daughter was behaving with her boyfriend, and that their wife was encouraging this behavior.
“Wife and I have been married 18 years, we have our 16-year-old daughter who has been dating a slightly shy/ awkward young man for around 3-4 months now.”
“He seems very nervous around my daughter and has admitted in a passing comment here and there to my wife and me that he can’t believe she agreed to date him, and he thinks she’s way out of his league.”
“He seems very respectful, just shy.”
“My wife is usually an independent, awesome woman and her ideals align closely with mine, particularly in terms of feminism and equality.”
“We have both striven to raise our daughter to be as independent and capable as possible.”
“Since my daughter has been dating this kid, my wife has changed considerably and has given our daughter advice that has left me with raised brows more than once.”
“Some of the advice I’ve heard my wife give is ‘oh it’s cute for boys to pay for everything, especially in your first relationship!’”
“Or ‘oh honey don’t worry about that, he can pay for you, if he really liked you he would’ and similar.”
“I’ve tried to balance this out by telling my daughter straight away ‘two people in a partnership should be contributing equally’ and my personal favorite ‘if someone asks if they can take you out to dinner, it’s reasonable to expect them to pay, but if someone asks you to grab dinner with them, it’s reasonable to split the payment’.”
“I figured that would be an easy way for a young person to understand the difference.”
“However I’ve noticed my daughter becoming more and more entitled with her boyfriend’s money.”
“They haven’t been anywhere obviously since we’re home but the way she talks about him ‘oh I’ll just ask him to pay for x’ etc leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”
“She has also flippantly bragged/ mentioned that she gets him to buy gift cards for her etc by mentioning her mother’s advice, i.e. ‘if you really liked me you’d pay for x.'”
“I spoke to my wife privately and told her my concerns, she insists it’s a rite of passage for girls and it’s cute that she should feel a guy is completely spoiling her.”
“I told her that it’s not cute for her to be thinking it’s acceptable to view relationships as personal ATMs, and my wife became very angry with me and is now calling me an a**hole with a lot of hostility.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole in telling their wife not to encourage their daughter’s behavior.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s daughter should not expect her boyfriend to pay for everything, with many feeling she was taking advantage of him and would develop bad habits down the line.
“Ask your wife how she would feel if his dad told his son ‘if she really liked you, she’d ….’
“You get the idea.”- cpplearning
“Ew, no, not cute! “
“You sir are NTA, your wife and daughter however are.”
“Honestly I’d call a family meeting and sit down with BOTH of them and explain how damaging this attitude of entitlement can be, both for her and the boys she’s going to exploit.”
“If things don’t change, give that poor boyfriend of hers a heads up.”
“If he’s a good kid he doesn’t deserve to be used if she doesn’t actually care about him beyond his wallet.”- LunasTwilight
“This is teaching her to be financially dependent on men and creating a sense of entitlement.”
“Also, assuming he’s around her age, it’s very unreasonable to expect a 16-year-old to have money to pay for everything of hers in the first place.”- throw_away-20000019
“It’s not cute.”
“Your wife is TA.”
“Your daughter is becoming TA.”
“The boy also needs some guidance, but that probably shouldn’t come from you.”- aitafun
“Encouraging her daughter to exploit her bf financially and being a fierce, independent woman whose ideals align with yours on feminism and equality do not compute.”
“Maybe she is not as fierce and independent as you thought.”- resjudicata8
“NTA for sure.”
”’If you really liked me you would pay?'”
“You should talk to your daughter though, ask her if she notices what she is doing and if she really likes him for him and not just his money.”- iritatingg
“NTA, your wife’s advice is turning your daughter entitled and spoiled.”
“This is not healthy in a relationship of any age and splitting costs should be how it is.”
“You are completely right about relationships not being personal ATMs.”
“If I was dating someone who started acting increasingly entitled to my money I’d leave, it’s not cool.”- NothingSinister
“NTA at ALL!”
“Your wife telling her that is extremely harmful.”
“If a guy wants to pay for everything they’d do that willingly.”
“My SO does that and it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but he’ll pay for dinner or whatever before I even have a chance to, and I appreciate it but it makes me uncomfortable, I digress.”
“Please make sure to speak to your daughter about this behavior PLEASE.”-_americancer_
“Your wife is training your daughter to live outside her means and to rely on others for what she wants.”
“This is a dangerous slope until the ‘if you love me, you will pay’ is directed at you and your wife.”
“It’s literally setting her up to think money = love.”- TexTheBrit
“Next time he comes around give him 50 bucks in front of her and tell him you don’t think he should pay everything for her.”- Dixon_Brothers
“Yeah her mom is turning her into an entitled person.”
“She’s framing it as cute to frame it as something positive and innocent when it’s really just taking advantage of someone.”
“Also the ‘if you really like me you’d pay for it’ thing is manipulative and gross.”
“I just feel really bad for that poor dude dating her.”- jickmagger_
“NTA, that’s so so wrong.”- Reddit
“A good foundation of morals goes a long way when young people enter the world around them.”
“Relationships are partnerships.”- SlickerThanWhiskey
“Women that hop back and forth between exploiting feminism and chivalry when it’s advantageous for them are the worst.”- lods13
“It’s not cute, it’s very rude to expect someone to pay for everything.”
“She can pay for some of his stuff too so it’s equal, or she can just pay for her own things.”-ghostlyfawn
“It’s a good way for the boy to feel entitled to things from your daughter.”
“What your wife and daughter are doing is unacceptable and downright sh*tty.”
“If your wife and daughter don’t realize or won’t accept that what they are doing is wrong, I kinda think you should tell this poor kid your daughter is dating to dump her and move on.”
“He probably won’t listen, but maybe it plants the seed for him to see he’s being treated like sh*t.”- irish52084
“Look, Just because she says it doesn’t mean she practices it.”
“Sorry but your wife is making feminism look bad.”
“Are you sure you’re not her ATM too?”
“NTA by the way.”- ezonian
There is nothing wrong with men wanting to be chivalrous, and offering to treat their significant others to nice things every now and again.
Though it shouldn’t always be expected by women, particularly by their high school sweethearts, who likely don’t have much money of their own.
If the OP’s daughter doesn’t come to accept this sooner rather than later, she’ll likely find herself in for a world of disappointment down the line.