CW: Suicide.
Redditor GlitteringMud9950 is going to become a grandmother, but she’s currently still trying to parent her adult child.
The Original Poster (OP) has been trying to get her pregnant daughter to step up, but is constantly faced with tantrums in response.
This confusing situation ultimately led the OP to subReddit ‘Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for wanting my pregnant daughter to do something with her life and not rely on me?”
She went on to explain.
“My [40-year-old female], daughter, [22-year-old female], Rita is pregnant, she’s almost 20 weeks and she just told me a few days ago.”
“Rita moved back in with me and my husband (her stepdad) when the place she was renting with her [boyfriend 22-year-old male], and a former roommate fell through.”
“Rita and her bf are still together and decided to keep the baby. The bf lives about an hour and a half away.”
“Anyhow, Rita does absolutely nothing. She doesn’t work or go to school. She’ll watch TV until 5-6am then sleep until 1-2pm most days.”
“Only cleans her room when I tell her to. Doesn’t wash dishes or her laundry, nor does she take out the trash.”
“When I try to talk to her she starts crying and screaming that I hate her and I’m trying to stress her out and she can’t deal with it.”
“(My other young adult kid is in college full time and works part time. They were raised with the same rules and expectations.)”
“I tried telling Rita she’s having a baby soon and she needs to grow up. Cue more crying and screaming. She literally throws herself on the floor and sobs.”
“That she needs to get her act together to take care of the baby and try to be a decent parent. That the baby is hers, not mine and her and her bf responsibility to raise and provide for.”
“That she needs to go to school or work or both and apply for daycare vouchers and any assistance she can. That she needs to pull her head out of the sand and actually do something with her life.”
“(I had kids young, but I also went to school part time for several years to achieve my goals.)”
“These conversations always end with Rita on the floor, crying, screaming and basically throwing a tantrum. The only time she does anything is when either I force her to or her bf picks her up.”
“Other than that, she’ll go 4-5 days without showering or changing clothes. I’ve told her that has to stop. I love her but I’m not raising her baby or taking care of her like a child.”
“She knows what’s right and expected of her. Rita says I’m the ah because I’m turning my back on her and my grandchild…”
“…and if they suffer its my fault because I have the ability to give them a good life and home with plenty of stability but I’d rather make her struggle. (I’d never let the baby go without.)”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors
“NTA. She is going to either have to step up or give the baby up for adoption. After making sure she’s physically healthy, you should help her get into therapy.”
“She’s clearly having a tough time figuring out how she’s going to make it in this world with the responsibility of a child.”
“Being a supportive parent to her and grandparent to the child does not mean giving them everything. But you can support your daughter to become more independent.”
“I strongly feel a support group and therapy are a good starting point here.” – vocabulazy
“NTA sink or swim – as long as you give her a free home, she won’t change. Tell her to leave – she wanted the baby, now she needs to figure it out with the bf.”
“Or you can be living with two babies, and you will be doing everything for both of them.” – alien_overlord_1001
“You need to be prepared to raise the baby by yourself. Your daughter has something wrong with her. (Or she’s just massively entitled and immature.)”
“OR you could show her the door and then hopefully she’ll give that baby up for adoption. She doesn’t sound fit to take care of a goldfish. NTA” – Littleballoffur22
“Are we sure your daughter is entirely mentally well? I don’t say that to be mean. But it really sounds like she needs professional help NTA” – Sisi_R920
“NTA, I wonder if the baby was partly kept to ensure you can’t kick her out.”
“An adult that can’t be bothered to shower probably should not have a kid.”
“(I will say caring for something can sometimes give people motivation, but I’m not sure that will be the case)” – Raindripdrop
“NTA. I would set her down for a meeting and a contract. Make it clear that the parameters of the meeting are for her to be part of an adult conversation.”
“If she cannot manage that, then your home will no longer be available to her. I would make part of the contract that she starts to pay rent, find a job, and have chores.”
“If she can’t maintain this, she has 30 days to move out.” – HappyLifeCoffeeHelps
“It sounds like your daughter is suffering from severe depression. You aren’t going to be able to berate that out of her.”
“The best chance she has for being able to work or care for her baby is for that to be dealt with first.”
“Telling her how she’s an utter failure in life while also telling her she’s not going to be able to care for the baby while she’s in this state will likely exacerbate her symptoms.”
“This is serious. People who are depressed enough to stop showering and fall on the floor crying when confronted with big stuff in the near future are at a high risk of dying by suicide.”
“She really needs your support now, because she needs help and you need her to trust you when you say that.”
“She is also overwhelmed, so you may need to help her take the first steps, like seeing a doctor or finding a therapist.” – geth1138
“If she is not sleeping and going 4 or 5 days without showering or changing her clothes then she is about to bring a child into a mental health crisis…”
“…which has the strong possibility of getting much worse after she gives birth and postpartum depression is added to the mix.”
“Moralizing won’t improve her mental health nor will blaming or judging nor comparing her to her sibling or yourself when you were her age.”
“She is still young enough that she may need parenting to navigate the convergence of a few significant crises.”
“Your daughter needs help getting herself to the appropriate medical/mental health care professionals she needs.”
“If she throws herself on the floor, then don’t participate but calmly tell her this convo will resume after she can pull herself together and walk away.”
“Keep going back until she agrees to get treatment. If she refuses then you confer with your doctor and a mental health provider about the best next steps. She must get help now.”
“That is your best hope for getting her out of your home and on the path to healthy independence.” – Venus_Cat_Roars
“This situation is above Reddit’s pay grade. Your daughter is struggling with some sort of mental health issue and needs intervention.”
“In the middle of all this, she is having a baby. She is not in a state to take care of an infant when it’s time. Figure out the options now.” – Spiritual-Bridge3027
The OP went on to edit their original post.
“Edit: talked to Rita about things over her favorite foods while we were both calm and in decent moods. Rita hates being an adult, says it’s scary and the idea of having a baby is terrifying.”
“She wants to be a kid again without all the adult worries and responsibilities.”
“She semi regrets getting pregnant and giving up her freedom, but she and bf agreed to keep the baby she wishes she hadn’t said yes so fast so she feels a bit trapped and overwhelmed.”
“I asked her about the tantrums. She said it’s just easier than facing reality right now. She has zero interest in going to school or working.”
“She’d rather spend her time doing things that bring her personal fulfillment and happiness.”
“I told Rita that I do understand and empathize, but it does not change the current situation and the fact a baby is on the way.”
“I suggested an open adoption. Rita said no, that’s not an option for her and her, but admitted she has no idea what’s going to happen or how they’re going to manage once the baby is here…”
“…and she’s really unsure and scared. I once again suggested seeking therapy.”
“Rita is not currently interested because she says therapy makes her feel like she’s in some way defective or broken and she’s not good enough as she is.”
“Rita talked and vented a bit more, and I just kept quiet and listened.”
Best of luck to the OP and her daughter.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/