When we think of someone having a new baby, we think of all of the excitement of having a new little family member in the house.
But we don’t always think of how taxing it could be when the new family first goes home, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficient_Bid_4094 was so excited to have her new baby, but she was not in shape to start hosting people in her home yet.
When her father showed up with her stepmother, who she had very little relationship with, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled by their insensitivity.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for kicking out my dad’s wife when they came to visit my baby?”
The OP’s family was beginning to visit to meet her newborn.
“My husband and I welcomed our daughter six weeks ago.”
“My mum was with us for one week after the birth and then went home, and it was just me, my husband, and our newborn care specialist.”
“One week ago, my mum and stepdad came back to stay with us and visit the baby (they’ll be staying another week).”
“I invited my dad to come and visit for the same period, but since he wanted to bring his wife Maggie along on the trip, they are staying in a hotel (we are paying for it).”
“We had previously agreed that he would come to visit my apartment alone, and the rest of the time he would spend vacationing with his wife.”
But the OP’s father did not listen to her boundaries.
“This had all been working really well until yesterday when my dad brought his wife with him to the apartment.”
“He said he thought it would be okay since he has been coming alone for a week and she just wanted to meet the baby.”
“I told my dad that she would meet the baby when I was ready to receive visitors, not when he dictates, and she had to leave.”
“We went on bickering until my husband stepped in and told my dad the discussion was over.”
“My dad ended up staying to visit because if he’d left with her, it would have made the situation worse, and she went back to the hotel.”
The OP’s father was furious with her for kicking Maggie out.
“My dad has now said (via text and in person) that I overreacted, and that Maggie was not planning to stay long, and I could have just let her see the baby.”
“I think that given the agreement was not to bring her, any length of time was going against that.”
“He says I embarrassed her by having that argument in front of my mum and stepdad, and I think he’s the one who embarrassed her by bringing her at all.”
The rest of the family was divided about how the OP was handling the situation.
“My husband is on my side obviously”
“My mum and stepdad say it’s 50/50 but said that I veered into AH territory by ordering her out the way I did.”
“Having a new baby is a lot, and I’ll admit I haven’t been my most level-headed, so I’m wondering if maybe I went slightly overboard.”
“AITA?”
As the comments started to come in, the OP clarified her relationship with Maggie.
“Why didn’t I want Maggie to visit in the first place? Firstly, Maggie is extremely awkward around my mum. She apparently feels uncomfortable around ‘the woman my dad loved before her’ to the point where she can’t hold a conversation or make eye contact with her.”
“This makes for a maddeningly awkward atmosphere when they are around each other (my 30th birthday dinner was AWFUL). I didn’t want to deal with that level of awkwardness.”
“Second, I am not up to hosting. I am tired, I’m not looking or feeling my best, and I am not presentable. I am not up to being sociable, getting dressed properly, and making sure the apartment is presentable.”
“I don’t feel the need to do that around my parents but outside of that, I would, including for her. I am not having even my closest friends around for this reason. When I am more settled, I’d be fine with Maggie coming around with my dad.”
“What is the history between Maggie and me? I haven’t spent much time with Maggie, but she goes through periods of having a very volatile temperament, and they come on very quickly, and she can be quite unpleasant to be around, so I’ve never sought to be close to her. Especially now with a newborn.”
The OP also had some things to say about her dad and stepdad.
“Yes, I am aware my dad probably told her it was okay to come. My dad is someone who wants everything his way all the time, and if he has to use subterfuge, he’s fine with it. Most of the time people just put up with it to keep the peace, so often that he banks on that.”
“It is likely this is what happened here as well. It’s unfortunate that my dad is like that, and unfortunate that Maggie didn’t stand up and say no, so I had to.”
“For everyone asking my stepdad is here, my stepdad is an extra parent to me. He has been for 17 years. He’s the first person who knew we were expecting, he’s the one giving my husband advice, I talk to him more often than my bio dad, I need and want him here just as much as my mum.”
“My daughter is his granddaughter because I am a daughter to him. It has nothing to do with excluding Maggie, my stepdad is included because he is a parent here.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP’s boundaries were clear, which made her NTA.
“NTA. You were paying for his hotel and laid out a very clear boundary that his wife couldn’t come to see you.”
“He didn’t call and ask to bring his wife along for a few minutes; he thought he would just ambush you and you’d have to go along with it. Instead, you kept the boundary in place and he was revealed to be the one in the wrong.”
“The way he mentions your mother and her husband suggests that he was jealous about them being ‘prioritized,’ and wanted to establish some dominance. Good on you for shutting that nonsense down.”
“What he wants doesn’t matter when it comes to your newborn. The sooner he understands that, the better.” – Cursd818
“NTA.”
“1. You were clear with your rules and your father agreed.”
“2. You said stepdad is a parent to you and she’s not. She knew she wasn’t welcome and tried it.”
“3. She’s awkward around your mother and you didn’t feel like dealing with that.”
“Even without those reasons, No is a full sentence. When you said that, your father should have backed down.” – Far_Nefariousness773
“NTA. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to push past your limit. This wasn’t an innocent misunderstanding, or whatever his cover story was. He knew he was being naughty. He is the author of any embarrassment he might have suffered.” – south3y
“NTA at all. I’m not sure why people are mentioning that you let your stepdad visit as if that’s relevant. Whatever the reason is. It’s obvious that you’re closer to him and you established that he was a parental figure growing up.”
“You don’t have to be ‘fair’ to both. And like you said you just wanted people close to you and you get to decide who that is.”
“During the postpartum period, people should basically be kissing your a**. If your stepmom makes you uncomfortable and won’t lighten the ease, then there’s no discussion. She can visit later.”
“When you’re visiting someone who just had a baby, you need to remember that they’re not hosting you…” – wtvgirl
“I think you’re NTA, but if I were you, I’d send Maggie a message just saying something like, ‘Please don’t take it personally, I’m just not ready to receive that many visitors yet, especially if unannounced. I’m sure my dad told you it was okay, but that wasn’t his decision to make. I’m not pissed at you but at him.'”
“You really shouldn’t be required to send such a message but in reality, I think it’ll make it easier for you if you do. It prevents her from feeling even more awkward when you do eventually end up with her being in your home.” – piksnor123
But others thought the OP was being really insensitive and petty.
“YTA. Your dad presumably traveled from far away if he was at a hotel for a week. Your mom and stepdad stayed the very intrusive first week, and are already back again, and staying IN the house.”
“Yet you won’t let her literally CROSS THE THRESHOLD to see you and the baby. You say because she massively overstepped by having the colossal nerve to venture out from room 305 to view you in person on the last day of the visit. And naturally, you can’t risk rewarding such behavior. Ever think your dad likely said, ‘Come on, let’s go see the baby’?”
“I see from comments thus far indicating your problems with her …are NOT enough to warrant such a stiff-arming.”
“It’s your house, your rules, your new bundle, etc… but you’re being an a**hole to her because you don’t like her. That’s ALL this is. Don’t pretend it’s anything else.” – dart1126
“YTA. And the fact your dad stayed to placate you and not cause issues instead of taking his wife back to the hotel… Honestly, it sounds like you just want everyone to cater to you since you had a baby six weeks ago.”
“And I get it, having a baby is hard. But this vibe your giving is a bit odd.” – Safe_Initiative1340
“YTA. Maggie did not deserve to be treated this way, especially since someone (your husband, your stepdad) could have just brought the baby to the doorstep for her to literally set her eyes on a new member of the family and coo at him for all of a minute.”
“She traveled at your invitation and stayed away for a week at a hotel, got brought to your house by your dad and you’re totally fine icing her out… for what?”
“I swear, the god complex of some new parents and the giddy way they take on ‘my baby, my rules’ mentality is so frustrating for people to navigate.”
“And at the end of the day, you build the extended family for your child that you deserve. Don’t be surprised that it starts hurting when you’re eventually iced out as well…” – krikeydile
“YTA. It sounds like you saw a moment to have control over a woman you aren’t fond of and took it. Would it have really been too hard to let her meet the baby and then leave?”
“I have two of my own and I understand having boundaries, but they did travel to spend time with you and you decided to embarrass your step mom instead of avoiding conflict.”
“Sure, they should’ve followed your rules, but come on. This screams of spite.” – Asylem
“YTA. It’s clear you don’t like your stepmom, but the reasons are really vague and weird.”
“Like, you say she seems uncomfortable around your mum, but has she said anything about this, or is this just you projecting since your mum seems to defend her here?”
“And why is Maggie the only person in the family not allowed to see your baby? It’s one thing if she had done something bad that made you distrust or dislike her, or if you were treating her and your stepdad the same way, but you aren’t.”
“You were deliberately excluding her, making everything and everyone uncomfortable, and making her feel like the only person not in the family. You were trying to make your dad choose between her and you and your child. For no real reason at all.” – PutTheKettleOn20
While the subReddit could agree that the it was the OP’s home and the OP’s baby, and therefore her rules, as well, they could all agree that the OP could have handled this situation better.
Some thought that the OP’s dad had overstepped her boundaries, but she could have made the best of the situation and attempted to be the bigger person. Others, though, thought the OP had used this opportunity to be better toward her stepmother, who she clearly did not like for some undisclosed reason.