Quite fittingly for 2023, period education is becoming a somewhat more acceptable subject, and even male students are being educated on what happens during the cycle and how to be a positive ally.
But we as a society honestly still have such a long way to go, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Soft_Personality_251 was furious with her son after he threw his sister's feminine hygiene products away, as a way to get back at her for telling him to keep the noise level down.
When she overheard her son bragging to his friends about what he had done, the Original Poster (OP) thought the most fitting punishment was to throw something valuable of his away, too.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for throwing my son's switch in the trash?"
The OP's son recently pulled a prank on his older sister.
"My daughter Mae is 13 (Female) and has been having the worst mood swings with her periods. She's also had really bad cramping and other issues."
"She got snippy with my son Mic (9 Male) over being loud while playing Fortnite."
"Mic decided that his revenge was to throw away my daughter's feminine hygiene products all in the thrash. She went to switch out her pad and Mic had thrown everything away."
"I had to make an emergency run to get more pads for my daughter who's already feeling s**tty."
The OP punished her son.
"I hear Mic playing Fortnite on his Nintendo Switch and laughing with his friends about what he did."
"I grabbed his Nintendo Switch and threw THAT in the trash."
"He started crying, and my husband was like, 'Really?' and took it out of the garbage."
The couple disagreed about the punishment.
"He then told my son he's grounded from the Switch until we decide to give it back. My husband locked it up in a safe in our bedroom and swears he won't give it back but throwing it away was over the top."
"I don't think Mic should get it back and it should be given away to someone else, but my husband thinks I'm overreacting."
"But I think what our son did was cruel and he should be punished for it, and a loss of his switch is punishment."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some deeply disagreed with the OP's approach.
"YTA ... your son threw your daughter's belongings in the trash when he was angry, and you show him that's wrong by doing the same thing?"
"You're an adult. What your son did was wrong, but you could have taught him that lesson by grounding him rather than having a sudden, scary, emotional reaction." - Own-Preparation4687
"YTA. Throwing away a switch is stupid and wasteful."
"I might give you credit if you actually did give it away to someone as you mention, but you threw it in the trash in a fit of anger obviously. Punishing in anger almost always makes YTA."
"Your husband is right." - angiehome2023
"YTA and so is your son. Your husband sounds like the only sane person in the house right now."
"Your behavior was just as juvenile as your nine-year-old's. He has an excuse: He's nine. What's yours?"
"Yes, there should be consequences for his actions. Putting the Switch away for a few weeks. Doing extra chores to make up for the time you had to spend going to get feminine hygiene products. Doing extra chores to earn the money to pay for replacement pads."
"What you've taught him is that it's OK to have a tantrum and ruin someone's things. He did it, you did it with something even more expensive. He won't learn from what you did, he'll just learn that bigger people get to have bigger tantrums."
"Time to think about what you want him to learn, not to react in rage to a stupid juvenile tantrum." - Zauberpunch
"YTA."
"Teaching your children revenge (no matter how petty) is not a great example."
"Take away the Switch, sure. But you just copied his actions and reinforced exactly what he did, then grounded him." - Haunting-Juice983
"YTA. Your son shouldn't have thrown away his sister's hygiene products, and grounding him from his Switch seems like a reasonable consequence. But you reacted in anger and retaliated by throwing away the Switch, an item that most likely won't be replaced."
"And, by the way, mood swings and cramps are not reasons to treat people badly. Reading between the lines, I'm sensing some favoritism for your daughter and perhaps she's allowed to get away with behavior that wouldn't fly for your son." - JMRR1416
"YTA. What you should have done was what your husband did. Lock the switch in a safe that he cannot reach and ground him until he genuinely learns his lesson and apologizes to his sister. What you did was immature parenting."
"Switch is far more expensive than sanitary pads from what I understand. Yes, your son should not have it back for a while at least, but throwing it away felt like retaliating rather than teaching him a lesson. It was what I would think his 13-year-old sister would have done not his adult mother."
"His mother should have taught him to be more tolerant as his sister goes through this new stage in life AND taught his sister how to control raging hormones from causing tension with her brother." - Imaginary_Path7046
"This post brought back memories for me. That's what puberty was like for me too."
"I didn't physically attack my brother unless he came at me first (which happened often) but I was awful to him. He was so annoying and I just felt constant rage/misery. He could breathe the wrong way and it'd make me snap. When I was on my period was actually a relief because I'd feel normal for a few days until it all started all over again."
"Nobody understood why I was so angry all the time (not even me) and no one did anything to help aside from shout at me and guilt me for how I felt. I truly don't wish that kind of puberty on anyone."
"Anyway, OP, yes YTA. I understand being annoyed about it all but you didn't need to throw the switch away." - Paranoia_Pizza
Others didn't totally agree with the OP's approach but understood her frustrations.
"Take the cost of the pads ect out of Mic's allowance."
"From now on, when he destroys or throws away his sister's things (medical supplies in this case) he has to pay the cost of replacement. This may mean extra chores. He has to learn he cannot throw away other people's medical supplies."
"Also, restriction is enough."
"NTA, Mic was laughing with his lil friends and you show"ed them they aren't running the house. The adults are. It was an eff around and find out moment for Mic."
"Moving forward, restriction and locking electrons in the safe is wise and reasoned." - ParkingArachnid8354
"NTA, there should be meaningful repercussions for male children surrounding periods, to be honest."
"But your husband 'obviously' knows best the way to punish someone for blatantly gender-based bullying and then braying on his Switch about it to his little nine-year-old bros."
"Truly disgusting. Queue all the bleeding heart 'but he's only an ickle nine-year-old baby (YUCK), his mind isn't developed yet like an adult (BARF).'"
"Of course it hasn't, but maybe if you all actually bothered to discipline your darling baby angels, we wouldn't have to put up with feral tweens and teens." - Kind_Finger420
"It's an expensive toy to throw away, like throwing away money. Taking it away and making him pay (through chores) for all of her feminine hygiene products, maybe some goodies, and a very public apology (humility not humiliation) would teach him a good lesson."
"In my opinion, NTA, but your son is becoming one though, and it's time to correct his behavior." - HughCayrzo1
"NTA. A lot of people don't seem to understand how periods work, or what it's like to go through that when you're 13. I remember being that age and how excruciatingly painful it was, and how no matter what I took for it, it wouldn't stop."
"The absolute horror I'd feel at that age if someone threw out all of my pads, and the emergency that'd create along with the discomfort, you have no idea."
"What your son did was calculated. He knew she was on her period, he knew what was causing her mood swings, and then he bragged about it to his friends. She can't control her period and what it does to her, but he absolutely can control himself."
"I don't disagree with what you did, because it's a taste of his own medicine." - spleef35
"I'm not going to say YTA and I'm not going to say NTA because it was an overreaction, but I can understand where you're coming from."
"I have painful cramps and PMDD, I get snappy and overstimulated during and pre-period. At 13, you're still learning and adjusting to the changes and working out what works and doesn't."
"I tell my brother to be quiet all the time and if he went and threw at all my period undies, that's a heap of money wasted (like $350aud worth). Even when I was still using pads, I had to have these specific ones and when we struggled to find them, oh my god, it would've ended up in meltdowns if he threw them out."
"I feel for my mum having to tell with me and the mood swings because it's not like I wanted them, I just couldn't control it."
"I think he should get the Switch back at some point but he needs to understand what he's done and what his sister is going through. My brother and I have a six-year age gap and he knew pretty early on that this was happening."
"I don't think this is a case of favoritism, it's seeing your daughter in pain and struggling and that's got to be hard for any parent, it's a pain that Dads and brothers (sometimes other female family members as well) don't and won't really ever understand." - story13emily
The subReddit was thoroughly upset by the son's revenge on his older sister, and they were certain he needed to be educated more about periods. But they were more torn about throwing the Switch away, with some arguing that it was an ultimate punishment, while others thought that throwing away in anger was a terrible message to send a child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp