Sex ed and human biology can be uncomfortable subjects for some and there is a huge disparity in knowledge from person to person.
But when you've grown up in the same environment and had the same education as someone, is it understandable to be caught off guard at something they don't know?
What if it's a "biggie" like menopause?
Reddit user "donuts_are_tasty" found herself in the middle of some family tension after realizing her older sister didn't understand menopause.
She asked the AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") subReddit about her drama-inducing reaction:
"Aita for being surprised my sister didn't know how menopause happened?"
Before we get into the details, let's briefly talk about the AITA subReddit.
The format is simple. Someone who has a "grey area" moment shares it as a post.
Other people respond to the original poster ("OP") in the comments and cast their votes.
Voting Options Are:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Now that you've go the basics, let's get back to the post.
"So me (16f), my dad (45m), and my sister (23f) were watching this show (fictional) where there were firefighters who were rescuing a baby that was trapped in a house after a mudslide."
"Well when they walked in an elderly lady was deceased and there was a 3 day old baby in a crib. My dad made some comment about how the lady was the mother of the baby."
"Once it became clear the baby was a couple days old I said something like 'welp she's obviously not the mother' because this lady looked like she was in her 70s or 80s."
"My sister was like 'well she could be, anybody can have a baby at any age as long as they've gone through puberty' "
"and I was like 'unless they've gone through menopause' and she was like 'you can still have a baby after you go through menopause. ' "
"I laughed because I thought she was joking, then she asked why I was laughing and I told her: "
" 'You know why women go through menopause right? Like you know it's not just because they hit a certain age and just randomly go thought it, you know what happens to their uterus when it happens right?' "
"She said something like 'I thought it was just hormones' and I told her 'it's because a women runs out of eggs and you obviously can't make a baby with no egg' "
"She got all pissed off at me and said 'Well I didn't know, you don't have to treat me like an idiot.' "
"I genuinely thought she was kidding. We usually joke this kind of way where we will act uneducated on certain topics. She is also a very educated person so it really felt like she was joking."
"If I would've felt like she was actually serious I would not have laughed at her and I would've taken the time to actually educate her."
"Am I the a**hole for assuming she already knew why women went through menopause?"
Responses broke down into one of a few categories.
The people who pointed out that OP was incorrect about menopause also...
"NAH, you thought she was joking so you laughed - fair enough."
"I do, however, want to call you out on YOUR lack of knowledge regarding the menopause."
"Menopause doesn't mean the eggs have run our, it just means the ovaries have stopped releasing them." - DonCinimella
"NTA. You don't understand why menopause happens either."
"Your ovaries produce less estrogen. You don't 'run out of eggs.' "
"But you're 16. A lot of people that age don't care about menopause because they figure it's a million years in the future."
"At least you know more than your sister does." - Barn_Vivant
"I almost feel like OP is also TA for so confidently asserting incorrect reasons for a correct conclusion." - yifrancisren
"NTA"
"I can understand that she may have felt you were laughing at her. In the future, maybe try to curb that."
"But to be fair, you are both wrong."
"Menopause does mean a change in hormones, and you can no longer have a baby, like you said. But it's not because you run out of eggs."
"Menopause (which is a temporary situation) means that women can no longer get pregnant naturally and may need help if they want to have a baby in their 40s or 50s."
"It is still possible to carry a baby to term, but you would need a lot of treatment and therapy."
"You don't run out of eggs. Women are born with about 1 million eggs."
"At puberty, this number goes down by about half. I don't know why, but that's what I've learned."
"During each period one egg is prepped for fertilization. If nothing happens, the egg is reabsorbed into the body, and your uterine lining is released (that's the blood.)"
"There is no way that you can release half a million eggs over the course of your life. Running out is not what happens."
"The fertility window for women is varying. Some have 20 years, some have closer to 40 healthy fertile years."
"Even if you have 40 good years (very unlikely, the older you get, the more at risk you are for genetic problems), with an average of 12 periods per year (some women get more, some less), that means only 480 prepped eggs."
"You don't run out of eggs, your body just stops producing the necessary level of hormones required to cause your cycle. The eggs are still there, although their viability is also diminished because of the age of the eggs." - NotSoAverage_sister
The people who could absolutely understand how OP's sister got to where she is...
"As an American who went to a regular public school, nope. Biology is taught, but I understand more how chicks are made than I do about the end stages of female fertility."
"When it comes to biology in humans we learn the cells, be abstinent or you get STD/consequence baby, and what time puberty commonly happens."
"Menopause isn't something 99% of us learned until college and only if you're going to be a nurse/doctor." - Neravariine
"OK, I had to create a throwaway to post this comment. NAH."
"At 30 I went to an ob-gyn for the first time because I had lumps in my stomach that I was pretty sure were tumors of some sort."
"The doctor did an exam and determined that they were tumors and I needed a hysterectomy. I had no clue what that actually entailed."
"When she said it meant I wouldn't be able to have children I had to ask why."
"She politely (without making me feel dumb) explained removing my uterus was part of the process. I still didn't get it."
"She then said I would no longer have my period and I said 'Great, let's do this!' "
"This is what happens when your parents refuse to allow you to participate in Health class (seriously, they contacted the school and said I was not allowed in the class), never took you to the doctor, never educated you on anything health/body/sex."
"I had never been to an OB-GYN before."
"All these comments saying it's stupid for a woman to not know how her body works are coming from folks operating on a level that some of us simply never attained." - Mammoth-Insurance730
"NAH. Everyone has a blind spot."
"I get why she was defensive and why you laughed at her."
"I was horribly bad at geography and legitimately laughed when I heard there was a New Mexico; I said, 'What the heck happened to Old Mexico?' "
"I had a friend who thought nipples had a bone in them. If you talk to someone long enough, we all have a stupid, stupid thing we didn't know." - Lulu_42
And the folks who were just kind of horrified.
"the REAL a**hole here is the educational system that's apparently not covering this (very important) information."
"Holy crap. I'm so glad my mom was a nurse who covered everything in excruciating detail."
"...Even if I desperately wished she wouldn't at the time."
"Anyway, this is kind of a silly post, but sometimes those are refreshing on here."
"No giant, family destroying revelations. No huge moral dilemmas. Just an awkward moment where someone maybe could've behaved better."
"I'm going with NAH except school system that apparently failed these girls. Seriously, WTF."
"She's 23 in 2021. Which means she was born around 1998."
"I know public sex ed isn't great, but...the internet has existed as long as this girl has been alive."
"I didn't know anything about menopause from sex ed, either. Menopause is mentioned enough by our culture that someone being THIS ignorant about it is kind of laughable."
"I wouldn't throw her up in front of an audience so people could point and laugh, but her getting this mad about not knowing about something that no one is hiding and when all the information known to humanity is at your fingertips is...pretty a**holey to me." - merramac
How are you feeling about the situation?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp