Being pregnant can be very stressful.
Yes, it's a miracle for many.
But it's not an easy task.
The body needs rest.
And added stress is never a great help.
Case in point...
Redditor Illustrious-Plum-926 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to tell my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] I don't want to watch her kid anymore?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I F[emale] (28) am with my fiancé M[ale] (28) and together we have an almost 2-year-old."
"When my SIL (32) had her child I offered to watch her child while she got back into work because I understand it's hard leaving your small baby in a daycare."
"This was never intended to be long-term but a nice gesture from myself as I don't charge her."
"However I am now pregnant again with my second child."
"I am 3 months pregnant and struggling with emotions and morning sickness."
"I can barely be present for my 2-year-old nonetheless watch my child and along with her almost 1 year old."
"Her child cries a lot due to teething and I'm not sure how to soothe her as she doesn't nap well and is a generally fussy baby compared to my child."
"I'm at my wit's end and have cried to my fiancé multiple times about how emotionally draining it is to watch both."
"I mentioned to my SIL that they need to find childcare as well as my fiancé and he said that my SIL asked to bear with them while they find a place but mentioned she thinks she may have found a place."
"That was a MONTH ago."
"So now I'm growing impatient and annoyed as I feel as though I'm struggling mentally and nobody seems to care, even though I have made it apparent how much of a burden it is for me."
"If that were my child I would've found a place within a week or two."
"However I'm at a loss of how to bring it up again without appearing rude."
"And my fiancé says to be patient as he is sure it's almost done but I argue how he would know that when there seems to be no end date in sight."
"Should I wait another month? Help."
The OP was left to wonder:
"If I bring it up again AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. She's the one being rude because you've already told her you they need to find childcare and they still haven't a month later."
"It's time to be firm and clear, and if they consider that rude, oh well. 'I know finding childcare is difficult, but it's been a month since I brought it up."'
"'This will be my last week watching your daughter. I hope you understand'" ~ Stranger0nReddit
"Agree except you need to give 2 weeks."
"That will give SIL time to ask for time off from work if she can't find childcare."
"I sincerely doubt she has been looking for childcare."
"You have saved them a fortune by watching their child and I'm sure they want to avoid childcare costs as long as possible." ~ needofanap
"Seriously. This isn't a job in an office or whatever."
"There is no 'notice' need to be given."
"OP has already been very patient, but her mental health and her own child come before SIL's baby."
"SIL and hubby need to get their s**t together and find appropriate child care. NTA." ~ Palindromer101
"Eh, to be fair a month is not really that long when it comes to finding childcare."
"Between finding good places, doing visits, and getting in it does take a while."
"The US generally has a shortage of childcare workers/places."
"Looking at child care and places often have a waitlist of a year or more."
"We are looking for childcare spots for next fall and are on a couple of waitlists."
"With that said, OP is not an a-hole for not being able to watch their kid anymore, it might be that NAH because SIL might be working really hard to find a place but has not had any luck." ~ Dizzy_Needleworker_3
"SIL is still the AH for not communicating the search with OP and keeping her in the loop."
"Also, it is really not OP's concern that childcare has long wait lists."
"SIL could have checked into them and gotten on a list before she accepted and exploited OP's offer. NTA." ~ mostlywrong
"Exactly this. SIL should at least communicate how she's tracking, instead of leaving OP hanging."
"SIL likely had one quick look at her options, decided she didn't want to pay, and now will continue to drag this on as long as she can (ie until OP steps up for herself)."
"OP does not have to accept this and should set clear boundaries - it's obviously affecting her and she's being taken advantage of."
"OP's husband should be supporting her, she's broken down in tears multiple times now and he still seems to prioritize SIL over his own wife."
"He's the d**k here for making OP feel she doesn't have a choice." ~ Dutchmuch5
"She told them a month ago."
"She doesn't owe them 2 weeks, she doesn't owe them another DAY."
"She's pregnant and struggling mentally and physically."
"OP: you are being taken advantage of."
"You need to make yourself and your children your priority."
"Not only are you NTA, but if this causes a problem in your relationship with your SIL, then she IS."
"Just my 2¢, but if I were you, I'd have a heart-to-heart with your husband about how you're feeling and he needs to be the one to tell her you're done."
"Good luck and congratulations on your baby!" ~ Heather0521
"NTA. Both of these people keep telling you to be patient but neither of them is the one with the problem."
"They are both telling YOU to be ok with this problem."
"I mean basically they don't have standing to tell you to be patient."
"Especially when the baby's parents are not paying you for this."
"It is not good for you or for your baby, for you to be under this sort of stress."
"I think you should just tell your fiancés sister (you don't have the protection of marriage yet so I'm not going to call her your SIL) that, beginning on Monday (yes, this Monday), you will no longer be able to babysit her child and that she will have to make other arrangements."
"She or her spouse may have to take parental leave but, they are the parents of their baby and it's their job, not yours, to suffer the burden of providing childcare for their baby."
"You're not being paid for this, so there's no contract to break."
"You're doing your fiance's sister a huge, huge, huge favor, and she's not entitled to go on any longer than you are willing to continue doing this huge favor." ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"NTA. Here's what you say,"
"I don't mean to sound rude, and I love your kid."
'But I'm pregnant and I can't keep doing this."
"It's too stressful to watch 2 toddlers, especially when they're fussy. I'll help out for this week, but you need to find someone else."
"You've been providing free babysitting for long enough."
"It's time to prioritize your health and helping your child adjust to all the big changes that are about to happen in your home." ~ Wonderful-Lie-650
"NTA. You have already saved your SIL thousands of dollars by being her daycare."
"Is she under the impression you will 'get over it' and forget she needed to find alternate care?"
"Being straightforward and advocating for what you need is not being rude."
"Give her a deadline."
"If you can, punctuate it by going out of town."
"Visit mom, or a sibling, perhaps?"
"Just be unavailable so she can't weasel out 'just one more week?'" ~ Qwillpen1912
"NTA. Is your fiancée concerned about your health at all???" ~ choppakilla
"Exactly my thought!"
"Once OP gives the final childcare date to these people she needs to have a frank discussion with the fiancé."
"Because honestly WTF!"
"This is his family (his sister) and he's not stepping g up and aiding the woman carrying his child."
"I would tell him how disappointed I was that he didn't think 'Maybe she should not be doing all this while she's pregnant' and once told that there was an issue go to his sister himself and say 'babysitting is over.'"
"He needs to get his head out his a**!" ~ KAT_GRL_WNDR
"This is what I am wondering!"
"She has clearly stated she is under duress and nobody seems to care??"
"Stress isn't good on bodies in general, and definitely not good while pregnant."
"Husband should be helping as much as he can in whatever capacity that is- upping his share of duties at home, helping his sister find new daycare, talking to the sister and setting actual boundaries, etc."
"If he doesn't think immediate action should be taken for his wife, he can start taking shifts watching niece/nephew."
"(Obviously, OP is NTA)." ~ Gold-Hovercraft1343
"NTA. Get your husband to wake up and tell his sister to stop abusing you and your generous offer." ~ ChubberTheChubber
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have every right to prioritize your health.
You already have a child you're responsible for.
And you're allowed to choose comfort for your pregnancy.
It's time SIL get it together.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp