It’s always fun to see loved ones and share time.
But loved ones can overstay their welcome.
Plus, certain situations and necessities make it stressful to offer the space.
Redditor charliestownMA wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for saying no to hosting my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and her additional needs kid overnight again?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A few months ago my sister and law and her daughter who is 3 came to stay with us for nearly a week because she is getting assessed for autism in our state.”
“I had suggested to my partner that they stay in a hotel, even offered that we cover the costs because my SIL is what I could only call a free-range mom.”
“She is struggling and is likely trying to do whatever will make the day go by.”
“Anyway, they visited, and we have a 4-year-old son.”
“He has his routines, we have our rules at home, aside from our weekly movie night, he doesn’t access any other screen time and doesn’t have a personal device.”
“My SIL’s kid was glued to her iPad the entire time, volume on loud and if my SIL tried lowering the volume the kid would start screaming, it seems that the SIL never actually carried through with it.”
“We tried to be accommodating, and she sat at the dinner table with us for dinner on her iPad our son was very curious and at first we were like this is a good opportunity for him to understand some people do things differently for whatever reason.”
“But by day three, it was clear that this wasn’t just about the kid getting used to a different environment, it was full-blown chaos.”
“Constant screaming and banging well into the night, the iPad on loud until nighttime too.”
“It kept everyone up.”
“We have a large 5-bedroom home, and we all stayed up because of it, including our son, who could not sleep until he asked to stay in our room.”
“I occasionally W[ork] F[rom] H[ome] but just couldn’t and had to leave.”
“The lack of boundaries extended to other areas too.”
“My SIL would say she was stepping out for a walk and be gone for hours, leaving her daughter with us with no heads up or prep.”
“And I want to be clear, I have so much empathy.”
“I know parenting a child with additional needs is exhausting.”
“I know she likely never gets a break.”
‘But I didn’t sign up to be free childcare, especially when we were already hosting them, driving them around, buying a lot of additional frozen food and snacks that we never keep at home so that the daughter could eat.”
“All while trying to maintain some structure for our own kid.”
“My partner and I argued about it afterward.”
“He felt I was being too harsh.”
“I said, if they need to come again for another assessment, we either book and pay for a hotel if they really can’t afford it or set very clear boundaries about what kind of help we’re able to offer, and stick to them.”
“Now my SIL needs to come to our state again and has asked to stay for the few days she is here.”
“My partner thinks I’m being unkind and unsupportive, but I honestly think we did everything we could last time, and hosting again is just too stressful.”
“So I said no.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for saying no to hosting them overnight again?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Mean suggestion incoming.”
“How about you book a hotel for you and your son and let your partner deal with his sister and niece?”
“He won’t invite them again.”
“In other words, nacho.”
“To add NTA one bit.” ~Mysterious-Law-172
“NTA and the fact that you’re even asking makes me want to scream.”
“You know what kills me?”
“It’s always the person doing the least who thinks you’re being ‘unkind and unsupportive.'”
“Your husband wants to be the good guy to his sister while you deal with the actual fallout. Classic.”
“I hate how we’re supposed to just… absorb everyone else’s chaos because ‘family.'”
“Like your kid asking to sleep in your room because he can’t handle the noise isn’t enough of a reason?”
“Your SIL literally abandoning her kid with you for hours without asking isn’t enough?”
“Offering to PAY FOR A HOTEL is already more than most people would do but somehow you’re still the asshole?”
“Make it make sense.”
“Honestly, just reading this made my chest tight because I know that exact feeling – where you’re trying so hard to be understanding, but inside, you’re screaming because your own life is falling apart, and everyone acts like you’re selfish for having a single boundary.”
“Bet your husband wouldn’t last one day as the primary caregiver during their visit. bet.” ~ anshukg
“Take your son and go have a staycation at a hotel.”
“Let your husband deal with it.”
“All of it.”
“Like, the house needs to look the same as you left it. NTA.” ~ Wonderful_Horror7315
“That’s the answer.”
“If the husband thinks they need to be more understanding, he can take all his patience and empathy and cater to them himself.”
“I have experience in the special needs category, and while iPads can be helpful and a little grace is warranted, it is absolutely not okay to dump your special needs kid on others without permission and disappear for hours at a time.”
“It’s not okay to expect others to play host while you let your child run amok. It’s not okay to make your host family go several nights without sleep (it’s not the child’s fault, but then you need to start considering other accommodations).”
“I feel for SIL but her struggle should not automatically be everyone else’s struggle because she feels entitled to a break.” ~ cbm984
“NTA. If your husband is not going to support you, rent an Airbnb for you and your son.”
“He needs to be inconvenienced by the sister-in-law’s visit.” ~ tarnishau14
“NTA. But maybe leave and use that hotel room for yourself and your kid.”
“Your partner can stay at home and host.” ~ SpillingBlackInk
“OP shouldn’t have to foot the bill.”
“But I think her husband should because I agree that she should leave him to host.”
“Maybe visit her own family during that time or something.” ~ ALostAmphibian
“NTA. Can you stay with friends or relatives on a ‘visit’ with your kid while they’re there?”
“Let your husband deal with them on his own if he wants to, but you should opt-out if he’s going to insist on hosting them.” ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
“NTA, but have either of you communicated with your SIL about the impact the last stay had on your family?”
“I’m curious about whether she is even aware.”
“She may not like hearing it, but I feel like you have some valid points – i.e. the disruption to your/your child’s schedule, the free childcare, the food, etc.”
“But you have a right to your peace and aren’t under any obligation to host anyone who causes chaos in your household.” ~ small-black-cat-290
“NTA. Sounds like your partner wants to be in the good books for hosting, but not doing any of the hard work including unexpected/unplanned babysitting that’s falling to you.”
“Having her stay again would/should require two yeses from the partner and you.”
“Though, If you lose this battle, have an open conversation with both the SIL and partner on the challenges that occurred last time, and what needs to happen this time to make this stay work.” ~ Snackinpenguin
“NTA at all.”
“Seems like your partner prefers to please his sister instead of doing what’s right for your son.”
“Book the hotel for you and your son.”
“You deserve it.” ~ Popular-Parsnip8911
“NTA. But he can host his sister, and you and your kids can go during SIL’s stays with your parents or family.”
“Or even in a hotel – at least, you can profit to rest and your husband can take care of his family.” ~ Lucy_Nell
“NTA. Mate, they were guests from hell, do you really need to ask?”
“She took the piss last time, plain and simple.”
“You bent over backward, and she walked all over it.”
“You’re not a hotel+a free nanny service.”
“Honestly, I would’ve cut the Wi-Fi after bedtime and told them to jog on the next morning.”
“You’re well within your rights to say no.”
“Boundaries exist for a reason.” ~ ruyrybeyro
“As the mom of an autistic daughter, I still feel for you because it’s clear that your SIL is an absolutely irresponsible parent.”
“Even with a high-needs autistic kid, they can be taught certain routines that help calm them wherever they are.”
“It’s clear your SIL hasn’t bothered to train her special needs kid.”
“She wants to have a holiday of sorts while leaving you guys to do free babysitting for a kid who isn’t even used to you all.”
“Tell your husband that you are objecting to his sister taking advantage of your hospitality and treating your place as a free daycare NOT about letting them stay.”
“NTA. Tell.” ~ Spiritual-Bridge3027
“NTA – ask that he take time off work to watch her kid and gift her kid with headphones.”
“Personally, I’d take a vacation with my own kid and leave my partner on his own if he didn’t care about my feelings or how the family was affected.” ~ WaryScientist
“Why don’t you and your kid leave for that period of time and let your husband see what you’ve been dealing with while he hosts his sister since it’s so important to him to support his family? NTA.” ~ StacyB125
“NTA. If he wants to let them stay, book a hotel room for you and your kid.”
“It’s his sister.”
“He can deal with her.” ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
“NTA… this is a very bad influence on your child and totally disruptive of the routine in your house.”
“Offer to find an air BnB I doubt a hotel would want that behavior either.” ~ PCO244EVER
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your SIL can find other accommodations.
Maybe you can even offer to babysit for a night or two.
But order in your own home is important to maintain.
Good Luck.