Amidst all of the excitement of inviting a baby into the family, parents-to-be have a lot of decisions to make.
When disagreements come up, sometimes it's really hard to tell an excited spouse that you're not as excited about their idea as they are, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Biliardas had known for a long time the names that their wife wanted to choose for their future children, but they had never spoken up about their disinterest in the choices.
Now with their first child to be born soon, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to say to their wife.
They asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) if I didn't want to use my wife's suggestion for our baby name, given its importance to her?"
The OP hadn't spent much time thinking about names for their future baby.
"My wife and I can't decide on the name for our baby."
"Since the start of pregnancy, she had a name in mind and it means a lot to her in terms of the name's meaning and its associations."
"We've not really discussed the baby names seriously during the pregnancy due to focus on other life priorities during that time, and I haven't put forward any name suggestions until after the baby was born."
But the OP also wasn't in love with the names their wife had chosen.
"So we've narrowed it down to two names, Upe (uh-peh), meaning River in our language, and Veja (veh-yah, pronounced similarly to Freyah), meaning Wind."
"Upe is the name that my wife wants and I'm not strictly against it, but I'm not really excited about it."
"Veja is the one that I proposed and my wife likes it but not as much as her option, and it doesn't have the association with water, which is important to her."
"We live in the UK, and we're also a bit concerned about crude associations and name-calling if we used the name Veja (vajayjay, etc), but we're not sure how substantiated this is. Any opinions from native speakers are appreciated!"
The OP was conflicted.
"I'd feel bad if my wife couldn't use her name, especially since it means that much for her, but at the same time, that name doesn't excite me at all, although with time I would probably get used to it."
"I really like my suggestion and my wife quite likes it too, but I'm not sure if she won't eventually regret not picking her option due to its meaning to her."
"I should add that we only want to use one name, no middle names or double-barrelling."
"WIBTA if we named our child using my suggestion, given the importance of my wife's option to her and the time she had that name in her head?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some strongly suggested not going with the wife's chosen names.
"I would highly suggest you don't go with Veja. I'm not a crude person, and my mind IMMEDIATELY went to 'vejayjay,' which I can guarantee, is exactly what every middle school bully is going to call her."
"I'm sure in another language, it's beautiful, but in an English-speaking country, you're putting a target on her back. Just saying." - PettyLabelleOtheBell
"I'm going to be honest. I'm in America. When I saw Veja, the first thing I thought was 'vajayjay.' But then you said it started with an F so maybe that wouldn't be a problem. I personally wouldn't because I wouldn't want my child made fun of." - Wandering_aimlessly9
"An English speaker could pronounce 'Upe' as 'you pee,' which is not something either of you would want. It's not as bad as 'vajayjay' but still not pleasant."
"I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for your problem." - Rodney_Copperbottom
"From the UK, while we all know people should take time to learn and pronounce names, and this is a common microaggression, both names will be roundly mispronounced and misunderstood here."
"Vayja, vejja, or veeja would be how many Brits would read that one, and Uppy or oop would be the attempt at the other."
"If you plan to bring these children up in the UK, it may be worth considering that when choosing from the wealth of glorious names your culture offers."
"Source: child of an immigrant who anglicized his name to better fit in, except everyone here still couldn't say it right. Sigh." - EssexCatWoman
"When I was in elementary school, I had a massive gap between my front teeth, and they were disproportionately large compared to the rest of my teeth (that were still baby teeth)."
"In third grade, we went on a field trip to a natural history museum, and the guide had some pelts she was letting the kids try on. She pulled out a beaver skin and asked who wanted to try it on."
"I did not raise my hand, I did not want to, but she saw me talking to and laughing with my friend and pointed me out and told me I should be the one to wear it because I had 'perfect beaver teeth.'"
"You'll never guess what I got called up until the end of middle school."
"It's not the same situation, but your child would be similarly set up for bullying with these names, OP." - PoisonNote
"From Latvian, no, those are not common names. In fact, I don't know anyone named like that in Latvia."
"We have many native names that are from nature and sound way better, like Madara, Laima, Margrieta, Lilija, Ritma, Spulga, Spodra, Dzintra, Ilze, Ildze, Vālodze, Rota, Mirdza and many more."
"I really can't tell why she likes those two names, since whenever their kid would visit grandparents or just plain its heritage's homeland, other kids would not take those names well, and she would get many questions." - Culcircus
Others gave advice on how to meet in the middle of the baby naming.
"I'd be a bit nervous about Upe rhyming with poopy in primary school too, and other things when you get to high school."
"I also wondered if it's common to name kids 'River' or 'Wind' where OP comes from, or if it could open up the kid to bullying if they returned in the future."
"There might be a nice spin on it, like Eva, Una, etc.?" - El_Scot
"Maybe change the spelling? Add an h at the end of 'Upe' to change it to 'Upeh' to emphasize how it should be pronounced. And for 'Veja,' change that j to a y for 'Veya,' which is obvious how to pronounce in English."
"I have no idea how that will change its meaning in its original language. If a consensus on the name can be reached, go back and look for more names that you like and try those." - ShaddiJ
"I'm not a fan of either name, to be honest. The important thing is that the wife has been talking about the one name since the beginning of the pregnancy, and OP never objected."
"Now, AFTER the baby is and his wife has been thinking of the baby by that for so long, he decides he's not 'excited' by it."
"If he didn't like the name, he should have said something a long, long time ago. Communication is key, OP." - Barbarake
"'River' is a pretty common name in America, and it's a lovely name that means 'Upe.' Why not name her River to honor the English-speaking country of her birth and make her life a little bit easier? When she is grown, she may opt to change her name to Upe or Veja, but that will be her choice." - Electrical-Growth-85
"My partner is French-Russian and I am Australian, so for us planning any names means finding something that is pronounceable in all three languages/accents and doesn't have inappropriate associations in any."
"Yes, it means you lose some names, maybe some you loved and that meant a lot. But the kid has to live with it."
"They're a whole separate person who is going to (hopefully) outlive you by a fair amount, they should not be saddled with a name that will get them bullied or ostracised just because it means something to the parents." - Officiallyanxious
One Redditor gave the OP advice about how to broach this subject with their wife.
"Not giving a verdict, just some input."
"I told my partner that I had a name in mind early in my pregnancy, and he said he liked it."
"I brought up choosing a name a number of times during the pregnancy, but he kept saying he hadn't really had time to think about it, and hadn't had any ideas."
"Each time, I mentioned the name I had in mind and said that I liked it even more now. The name had a bunch of associations with our shared interests, and I fell in love with it."
"I tried to keep the baby nameless in my head, as we hadn't decided. But I couldn't help thinking of the baby by that name."
"When he was born, my partner told me he didn't really like the name. He didn't dislike it, just didn't really want it. He started looking at names and pitching things he kinda liked."
"There was nothing we could agree on. We fought about it a number of times due to being sleep-deprived and emotional."
"In the end, he picked the middle name and we went with my choice, because he eventually realized that none of the names he kinda liked meant anything special, and that I had been calling the baby by the other name for over six months by that point, ever since he said he liked it, too."
"There were a lot of arguments over nothing, given the outcome, but I legitimately considered leaving him at one point during the arguing. It felt like the name wasn't important to him while I was pregnant, and it felt like the actual names he was picking weren't important to him (or us)."
"And, given my attachments and associations with my choice, it felt like I wasn't important to him. His "not 100% sure" feelings seemed to be more important to him than my deep attachment, which hurt a lot."
"Get more communicative NOW, OP, and be prepared with suggestions, either from this thread or your own mind or a combination of the two." - aphrahannah
While the subReddit could understand that choosing a name for a baby was important and potentially difficult to do, they urged the OP to get more communicative with their wife, immediately, and to deeply discuss their concerns about the names their wife wanted.
Because at the end of the day, no matter how much they liked the names they chose, they needed to put their kid's needs first, including how much they might like the name and what they might have to put up with because of it.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.